BEYOND SHYNESS

by Jonathan Berent

  Next, focus on your muscles. Start with your right hand: Make a fist. Hold it… feel the tension. Memorize it. Then slowly let the fingers open up, releasing tension. Feel the tension disappear as relaxation overtakes it. Repeat the exercise until you have memorized the difference between a tense muscle and a relaxed one.

  Make mental contact with your right arm. “Feel” it with your mind. Feel the muscles in your shoulder, then focus on your biceps, elbow, forceps, wrist, moving into your hand and the very tips of your fingers. Imagine the muscles releasing their tension, becoming soft and loose. Think the words “soft and loose” to yourself. Then, begin to experience your right arm as “heavy and limp.” Say three times to yourself, “My right arm is heavy and limp.”

  Once again, if you experience any distracting thoughts, let them go. Focus on your breathing.

  Switch sides now, making a fist with your left hand. Hold it, feel the tension, and then release. Replace the tension with relaxation as your fingers open up.

  Next, make mental contact with your left arm. Again, “feel” it with your mind: shoulder, biceps, elbow, forceps, wrist, hand, fingertips. Feel the muscles relaxing. Feel them becoming soft and loose.

  As you feel yourself settle further into your chair, resume concentrating on your breathing: Slowly inhale through your nose, drawing the oxygen into your abdomen. Hold it for a moment, then slowly exhale, counting backward from 5 to 1 as before, with one to two seconds between each number.

  Renew your mental contact with your right arm. This time, say to yourself, “My right arm is warm … I feel the warmth flowing through my right arm.” Spend about thirty seconds repeating these phrases. Then expand your focus to include the sensations of heaviness and limpness. Your body should feel totally passive, with all your thoughts focused on that one arm.

  If you like, use imagery to picture yourself lying on your back at the beach in the warm sun. You feel the sun’s rays warming the palms and fingers of your right hand. You are completely still and have no wish to move. As you experiment with imagery, you may find that your mind starts to drift to other thoughts. To regain focus, simply concentrate on your breathing and in a relaxed, nonpressured way, return your attention to the task at hand.

  After a minute or so, move your awareness to your left arm. What does it feel like? Say to yourself, “My left arm is warm … I feel the warmth flowing through my left arm.” Again, repeat these phrases for about thirty seconds. Then, for another thirty seconds, say, “I feel the blood flowing through my left arm.” Note any sensations you feel in your left arm. Is there a tingling sensation? During the relaxation process, tingling is a good sign.

  At this point, go back to that sunny beach in your mind. Imagine yourself placing your hand in warm, still water, or basking on the sun-baked sand.

  Let go of all intruding thoughts. Focus on your breathing: slowly, naturally, passively.

  Now, move your awareness to your face. Allow the muscles of your forehead to soften. Picture your forehead smoothing out as your furrowed brow and other wrinkles dissipate. Feel the tension melt away. Let your jaw slacken and drop slightly. Let go of the tension in your jaw. Move up to your temples, then to your eyes, releasing the tension as you go. Find a comfortable position for your eyes and let them rest. Feel them become still and calm.

  Focus on the tension in your stomach. Hold the muscles of your stomach in, and then let them go. Let everything sink, and feel your weight being pulled into your chair. Allow all the muscles of your torso to let go completely.

  Let your whole body go further and further, as you seem to sink deeper and deeper in your chair.

  As you continue to breathe deliberately and deeply, bring your focus back to the abdominal area. Fill the area with air, and then count backward from 5 as you slowly exhale. Feel the tension flow from the body every time you exhale: Energy in, tension out. Energy in, tension out.

  Continue this process, focusing on your abdomen moving in and out with each deep breath, for several minutes. Let go a little more with each exhalation.

  Allow your body to take on the breathing process, and breathe naturally. Close your eyes now, and for a few minutes concentrate on your body’s natural rhythm. Your eyes will open only when you want them to once you are ready to end the relaxation.

  Now that you are finished, write down some words to describe your relaxed state. Just jot down whatever comes to mind, staying with the feeling of relaxation as you write:

  After:

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  This exercise is intended to build relaxation into your life as a daily ritual. Again, you must practice for twenty-one days straight in order to maximize the productivity of your relaxation training and to truly incorporate the stress management process into your life. Each time you achieve a state of deep relaxation, make a note of it, commit the feeling to memory so that you can go back to it as a mental goal next time you are trying to “come down” from excess stress. After twenty-one days, you will probably have memorized the process. Continue to practice, but this time close your eyes. Just as tennis players rely on “muscle memory” to execute the same basic moves again and again, so must you develop a “relaxation memory”—a blueprint to refer to every time you want to relax.

  By now, it has been several minutes since you finished the exercise. How do you feel: relaxed, or under stress? What sensations do you associate with each? What physical sensations are you experiencing: heaviness, limpness, warmth, tingling, regular breathing? Write these feelings down.

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  This list of sensations will become your “relaxation memory”—refer to it often to remind yourself that regular breathing, warm, dry hands, and soft, loose muscles are your ideal relaxed state.

  OTHER RELAXATION TECHNIQUES

  There are many other stress management techniques that can help you to “bring yourself down” quickly when you are highly stressed. You can use them before a situation where anticipation raises tensions that do not automatically subside after a few minutes. You also can use them during an interaction or when a surprise threatens to escalate your stress out of control. Or use them after an encounter has raised your stress level, if it is not subsiding naturally.

  Mental Imagery

  You experimented with mental imagery in the previous chapter on goal-setting. The use of mental imagery also can be an effective tool for anxiety control. Think of it as a new application of skills you already have: memory and imagination. When I asked you earlier to recall how many windows there are in your bedroom, you used imagery to retrieve the information. Mentally, you went into the room, looked from wall to wall, and counted. That process is mental imagery.

  From a relaxation perspective, your nervous system cannot distinguish between reality and imagery. Material passed from the body to the senses, whether real or imagined, is processed the same way. Therefore, imagery can play an important role in inducing internal self-regulation and relaxation. If there is a particular image—such as the warm, sandy beach of the previous exercise, a cool forest clearing covered with a blanket of pine needles, or even a clear blue sky—that represents relaxation to you, it would be valuable for you to be able to tune in to it whenever stress threatens to interfere with your life. Be sure to conjure up the reactions of all five senses: Imagine the look, sound, smell, taste, and feel of your surroundings. Mental getaways are a valuable part of the relaxation exercise we just went through. And it
is important to be aware that your nervous system—which is what overreacts in a stressful situation—cannot distinguish between reality and imagination.

  Here’s how to use mental imagery to create a mental getaway:

  (a) Choose a favorite place, a pleasant, relaxing setting that you have enjoyed in the past or one you would enjoy visiting in the future.

  (b) Close your eyes and think about the scene. Use your senses of hearing, smell, sight, taste, and touch to develop the scene. Put yourself there. If your mind wanders a bit, that’s okay. You’ll drift back to the scene after a short while.

  Behavior Rehearsal

  So far, we have used imagery to place ourselves in ideal relaxed settings. But mental imagery is also a valuable component in behavior rehearsal—picturing yourself succeeding at a stressful task. For example, a basketball player can imagine shooting the ball into the basket as a way of improving his or her performance. A golfer envisions putting the ball right into the hole as a means of practice. Both are relying on imagery to improve their games.

  When should you use imagery? In gearing up for public speaking class, Alan used imagery quite effectively—putting himself in front of a group, giving his speech successfully—just after doing the relaxation exercise we just went through, because the mind and body are more receptive to imagery in a relaxed state. I myself use imagery in preparing to give a speech—I find it useful to picture myself giving the speech, and to imagine the reaction of the audience. Again, practice makes perfect, and mental imagery offers an opportunity for a mental dress rehearsal of the situation you wish to confront.

  To add behavior rehearsal into your daily relaxation ritual, try the following:

  When you get close to the end of the relaxation exercise, when you know you are relaxed—right when you close your eyes—picture yourself in a group situation that so far has not been a success for you. Choose a scenario in which you would like to have success that does seem possible in the long term, such as a date, a work or school assignment, and so on. Walk into the room. Envision yourself as relaxed as you are now. You are in control. Your muscles are soft and loose, your face is relaxed, maybe even smiling. Your hands are warm and dry. Your breathing is even. If you get nervous as the scenario continues, pause to refocus your breathing and put your muscles at ease, pulling them back into a relaxed state. Experiment with behavior rehearsal as often as you like—this is a new skill, and there is no substitute for practice.

  OTHER STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES

  Once learned, stress management techniques such as mental imagery become valuable aids to those who rely on them. Think of them as tools you keep in your pocket. When you need a tune-up—of confidence, or calm—simply pull them out. They belong to you, and you can use them whenever you like. Here are a few more to add to your repertoire. Combined with the daily relaxation exercise, these relaxation tools will make the difference in the quality of your interactions.

  Thought Stopping

  Thought stopping is a stress management technique designed to interrupt obsessive thought patterns. If you find yourself continually going over and over a stressful situation in your mind, without arriving at a solution, and without determining any course of action, your thoughts may become obsessive. Think of it as “analysis paralysis”: You are analyzing something to the point of being unable to do anything but analyze it. Here’s what you do to end this circuitous thinking:

  (a) Shout the word “STOP!” to yourself.

  (b) Visualize a red stop sign.

  (c) If the thought continues to recur, place a rubber band around your wrist. When the thought pops into your head, snap the rubber band.

  Internal Coaching

  Internal coaching will help you to manage stress by accentuating your positive mental attitude. Internal coaching works best with short, clear messages that specifically target the behavior or attitude you would like to adopt. Here are some positive messages that you may find helpful to tell yourself:

  • “I am under control.”

  • “I can get through this. I’ve done it before. I can do it again.”

  • “I am okay. I will be okay.”

  NOTE: When you give internal coaching suggestions to yourself, be sure to leave out the words “no” and “not.” A sentence or phrase such as “I will not fail” causes feelings of defensiveness and negativity. Take the negatives out so that your brain can process the suggestion in a positive way.

  MANAGING THE ANXIETY OR PANIC ATTACK

  The most severe and debilitating type of distress that a socially anxious person suffers is the panic attack or anxiety attack. These attacks manifest themselves in two ways: as a wave of free-floating anxiety, or in response to specific situations. Naturally, there are different intensities, just as there are different degrees of social ability, dependence, and avoidance. If you suffer panic attacks of any kind, you are not alone. In fact, an estimated 3 million people experience panic attacks about once a week.

  In Chapter 2, we discussed anxiety symptoms in detail. What is the difference between an anxiety reaction and an anxiety attack? Perhaps it can best be explained by degree. The victim of an anxiety attack feels an overall loss of control, of being unable to cope with the situation that caused the symptoms. Thoughts such as “I’m afraid I’m going crazy” or “I’m afraid I’m going to pass out” or “I’m afraid I’m losing control” may occupy the victim’s mind. For those who suffer repeated anxiety attacks, fear of the anxiety symptoms, such as dizziness and sweating, may become as prominent as the fear of the event that causes the symptoms.

  If you experience a panic attack, follow the steps below to bring it under control. Please note that these steps are not designed to “cure” the panic attack, but they will help you handle it better when it occurs. If you like, jot down these six steps and keep them handy (in your purse or wallet). That way, you’ll have a plan of action the next time a panic attack occurs.

  1. Accept the reality. Acknowledge that a panic attack is upon you. Admitting you are panicked does not mean agreeing to continue having panic attacks forever. All it means is that, for the moment, you have to accept the reality and learn to flow with it. Panic attacks do end, and with stress management, you will learn to control your anxiety.

  2. Roll with the punch. Just as professional boxers are trained to roll with the punch instead of turning into it, so must you learn to go with the flow of the panic attack. Don’t deny your feelings. Roll with them, and do what you can to make yourself as comfortable as possible until your relaxation techniques bring down your extreme stress level.

  3. Try to float with it. Learn to get in touch with your relaxation response, and use deep breathing and mental imagery to float through the panic experience. Go with the force, not against it, to create a sense of ease. Think of a surfer riding a wave.

  4. Tell someone you trust. If you are with someone who is close to you, you may feel better if you let that person know you are experiencing an anxiety attack. This can relieve a lot of internal pressure on you (you won’t feel the need to cover up).

  5. Use relaxation techniques to bring down your stress level. But this can only be applied once you have mastered the techniques. After you give yourself permission to roll with the attack, you can apply relaxation techniques to bring it down. An increase of even three degrees in hand temperature is enough to abort an anxiety attack.

  6. Remember FEAR means FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARS REAL.

  BLUSHING AND SWEATING

  Many people have come to me because of a severe problem with blushing or sweating. Invariably, they feel they are completely alone with this problem. But blushing and sweating are very common symptoms of anxiety, and while they are not in and of themselves debilitating, the humiliation and avoidance they cause can be quite problematic. A businessman in the job market came to me because he found his severe sweating problem was interfering with his success in the interview process. He made sure to dress in a way that would compensate for the proble
m, but then spent the whole interview distracted by his increasing perspiration. He feared the interviewer could see sweat marks seeping right through his T-shirt and dress shirt and coloring his wool suit coat. This preoccupation, caused by a legitimate symptom, was in part keeping him from getting work; he simply could not present himself well when he was worried about his anxiety symptom.

  A woman in my group program had a similar problem with blushing; in her case, she feared attending social events because she was afraid she would become anxious and start to blush. Like the businessman, her preoccupation with her symptom was causing avoidance. But the symptom was not always as obvious as she thought. Once, in group, she was talking about blushing and admitted that, in fact, she believed she was blushing right then. I told her I didn’t see anything. Just then, another person in the group chimed in: “I think I see it. Yes, I definitely see a change in color.” Until that moment, the woman was not blushing. But then the psychophysiological response, the adaptation, occurred. Once someone drew attention to her, she actually did begin to blush! Both of these clients were helped by stress management training. They were also comforted to know that thousands of people share their problems. Another client said her dream was to wear a silk blouse—something she believed her anxiety-related sweating made impossible. But anxiety can be controlled through the techniques in this chapter.

  TOWARD A HEALTHY BALANCE