BEYOND SHYNESS
Page 15
Achieving the ideal balance of responsibilities and desires is an essential part of a healthy lifestyle. The healthier you are, the more fulfilled and productive you will be. Time is not elastic; it does not stretch. It is finite. Life is finite. Learning how to manage the time you spend awake to get the most out of life is an essential part of managing stress. Just as there are only so many hours in a day, there are only so many years ahead of you. If your life is not what you want it to be, you should take a look at the time that has passed and ask yourself how long you are willing to wait. How long are you going to allow yourself to avoid making the changes that are within your reach?
Use the pie graphs below to work out your current “pie of time” and your ideal “pie of time.” Assess how you currently spend your time on your personal interests, career, family, social life, and any other important factors. Then divide the pie into the appropriate portions. You will recall evaluating your goals concerning these areas of your life in Chapter 5.
To help you draw your “pie of time,” take a look at Renata’s “before” and “after” diagrams, which show where she felt she was when she first came to see me, and what her goals were in seeking change.
The percentage that Renata wanted to change was not overwhelming—20 percent. But it made a big difference to her.
Now, draw your “ideal” pie.
What might you actually do to change the size of the various activity slices to make them more “perfect” for you? To facilitate this change, consider the following issues:
1. Which is the most satisfying or rewarding part of the pie?
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2. Which is the most necessary part of the pie?
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3. Which part causes you the most distress?
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4. Which slices would you like to increase?
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5. Which slices would you like to decrease?
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6. In which slice are you most productive with your time?
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7. In which slice are you least productive?
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Now that you’ve drawn your ideal pie, take a moment to outline the three areas to which you need to apply specific stress management techniques.
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In which areas would you like to improve your interactive ability?
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FOR A LONGER, HAPPIER LIFE
If stress is a major cause of serious physical illness, does it follow that reducing stress could actually prolong life? The World Health Organization says yes. WHO statistics estimate that an individual who is 45 years of age will live another 33.1 years if he or she integrates six to seven of the following healthy habits; if he or she incorporates only three or fewer, he or she will live just 21.6 more years. When you are talking about 11.5 years’ difference, this isn’t something to quibble about or make light of. Try your best to adopt these seven healthful habits:
Get eight hours of sleep per night
Eat a healthy breakfast
No snacking between meals
Keep your weight within healthy limits
No smoking
Moderate use of alcohol
Moderate, regular exercise (at least twenty minutes three times per week)
And one special note about recreation: Distracting yourself from the stresses of the daily routine is a vital component of stress management. When I meet a client for the first time, one of the questions I usually ask is, “What do you do for fun?” The number of people who have no answer for this is startling.
If you have trouble interacting, you may find it difficult to pursue interests outside of work, school, or television. Take a minute now to ask yourself the same question: “What do I do for fun?” In my own life, exercise and sports play a major role in stress management. You could say that exercise is my therapy. A good game of basketball can take away a lot of excess tension, and it provides a chance to get together with other people in a fairly low-key manner. The competition is good-natured, but the conversation is very light, and I feel free to concentrate on the game, to really let go and lose myself as I play. Of course, working up a good sweat means getting rid of excess adrenaline, which can build up and cause stress and anxiety symptoms.
These days, there are many different ways to enjoy yourself, and the interactive requirements vary considerably, so it wouldn’t be too hard to find a group or event that allows you to function at your own sociability level. As you move forward through this self-help program, remind yourself that interactive health contributes to your overall health and longevity. Talking with others—sharing yourself and your experiences—not only makes you more productive at work and fulfilled in your personal life, it actually lowers your risk of disease. So stay committed to this program, and start to envision yourself as part of an interactive network. And keep in mind that having fun—alone or with other people—is one of your goals.
The bottom line with stress management is that all you can control is yourself. You cannot control others around you, which is especially important to understand. People do not always behave predictably or follow the course you would like them to. Situations are not always fair. But used appropriately, stress management can help you to control your reaction to these situations. Once you incorporate stress management into your life, you will find that it not only has the potential to improve the quality of your social interaction but it is also very much related to your overall health, feelings of well-being, and longevity.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Techniques for Self-Awareness
Chapter 6 introduced
you to several strategies for managing stress. Your imagination can also be useful in presenting learning opportunities that imitate interactive situations in a safe, controlled environment. Just as children learn to socialize through play, so can adults improve interaction through role play, imagery, and other imaginative practices. Considering hypothetical, or “just suppose,” situations will allow you to explore and experience new feelings, dimensions, and ideas—to enhance your self-awareness and better understand who you are, how you feel, and what you want in life. Feelings are important. The more you take responsibility for your feelings and emotions, the better off you are. As I said in Chapter 5: Beware the “I-Don’t-Know” disease! When someone asks you—or better yet, you ask yourself—how you feel, you should make every effort to answer honestly and completely. Looking at yourself from different angles increases self-awareness. Think of self-awareness techniques as a means of reinforcing the known as well as finding out about the unknown. The more awareness you have, the more you are able to take control. Like the exercises in the previous chapters, these exercises require your full, active participation. Don’t just skim through them. Really consider each one. Let your imagination work with you!
MENTAL IMAGERY EXERCISES
Imagination will help you to envision yourself from different angles and in different situations as well as help you focus your thoughts and articulate them clearly. You’ve already used mental imagery to picture the windows in your bedroom. Think about another room in your house—say, your kitchen. How many cabinets are there? Mental imagery allows your mind to take you into that room and look around. Experiment with the various mental imagery exercises listed here.
1. The Mental Wastebasket. Picture a wastebasket in your bedroom, kitchen, or perhaps at the office. You can throw anything into it that you wish to discard: an object, a person, a place, feeling, or situation.
What would you like to throw away?
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Toss it in there. How do you feel?
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What is the result of throwing it away?
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Do you wish to replace it with something else?
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What will you do with the space that it vacated?
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This exercise should give you an understanding of what things in your life may be causing anxiety or depression. By clarifying what remains, you also gain an understanding of what is left in your life once you discard these negative items. What is left is what is most important to you. In reality, you may not be able to “discard” the unpleasant or negative things you’ve thrown in your mental wastebasket. But you can begin to think about ways your relationship to those items, issues, or people might change for the better to improve your self-esteem and reduce your anxiety.
To get a sense of how this exercise can help, consider the case of Kelly, a twenty-six-year-old client of mine who was struggling to reconcile her relationship with her overprotective mother. Though she was angry, Kelly could not voice her feelings, and instead withdrew whenever a conversation turned into a fight, which was often. When Kelly and I worked on the wastebasket exercise, she made a breakthrough. “I want to throw my mother in the wastebasket,” she said. How would this change the relationship? “If I throw her away, then I will free myself from her control,” Kelly answered. I told her to picture herself throwing her mother into the wastebasket; she released a lot of energy and anger as she envisioned it.
When she had finished, I asked her how she felt. “Empty … but relieved,” she answered. This was a strong beginning, and we further explored the full implications of her desperate act. In time, Kelly clarified her real wish: to discard the “sick” relationship with her mother and replace it with a “healthy” one in which both women respected each other as independent adults. In time, Kelly became motivated to spend time with her friends, and eventually, she and her mother developed a healthier relationship.
Try it! The wastebasket exercise can be liberating. Let it empower you toward healthier interactive relationships.
2. The Environmental Overhaul. This exercise is similar to the Mental Wastebasket, with one major exception—if you wish, you can actually make some of the modifications you desire. Look around where you live. Choose a room that you would like to improve.
What would make you more relaxed, comfortable, or happy in this room?
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Imagine changing the furniture: What would you buy?
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What would you throw away?
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You can paint the room any color you want: What color will you choose?
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Which changes are feasible right now?
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Create an action plan to make some of these fantasies real (steps might include reorganization, cleaning, painting, shopping for furniture, getting rid of certain objects, and persuading family members to accept the change):
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Changing your immediate environment can be an important step to building confidence and trust within yourself. It can also be very empowering, because it enhances your sense of organization and self-control and lets you know you have choices. You may not be able to change an entire room at once (or your entire self) but little things add up to a big difference.
If there are people close to you, you might enlist their help in executing your plan, if it seems appropriate. But be careful not to let them make your decisions for you—this is your choice, and it is important for you to keep it your own. At any rate, don’t be impatient, or you could become overwhelmed. Instead, make one or two meaningful changes at a time.
3. Developing concentration. As you learned in Chapter 6, concentration is the key to overcoming interactive anxiety about other people and what they will think of you. If you are able to focus constructively on your physiological responses, you can learn to control them and diminish your anxiety reaction. In social situations, concentration is essential. For example, I sometimes find I have trouble remembering people’s names—even people to whom I was introduced just five minutes earlier! When I am able to channel my energy toward the introduction by concentrating on what is being said, though. I remember more accurately and feel more comfortable.
Where self-awareness is concerned, concentration is everything and involves all five senses: hearing, sight, touch, smell, and taste. The following exercises are designed to heighten your awareness of what is around you. You need not follow the order listed here. Instead, become familiar with the exercises and then practice them when an appropriate situation arises. You may designate a special time for each of them, or you can do them while you are traveling, waiting in lines, or in any other given situation. The most important thing is that you do them c
onsciously and with full awareness of the specific sense that is your focus for that exercise.
NOTE: Practice your most effective relaxation techniques before you begin these exercises (refer to Chapter 6 if necessary). People are better able to concentrate when they are relaxed.
Listening
• Pay attention to the sounds coming from outside: from the street, from above in the air, from as far away as possible. Then focus on one sound only.
• Pay attention to the sounds coming from a nearby room—the kitchen, living room, etc. Identify each one, then focus on a single sound
• Pay attention to the sounds coming from the room you are in: the windows, the electrical appliances. Then focus on one sound only.
• Listen to your breathing.
• Hear a short tune and attempt to re-create it.
• Listen to a sound, such as a ringing doorbell, a knock on the door, a telephone ringing, or a siren. How does it make you feel?
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• Listen to a voice on the telephone. Really focus on it.
• Listen to the voices of family members, colleagues, or fellow students, paying close attention to their intonation, pacing, and accent. What mood are they conveying?
Looking
• Look around the room and differentiate colors or patterns, such as straight lines, circles, and squares.
• Look at the architecture of the room. Now close your eyes. Can you describe it? Could you draw it?
• Look at one object in the room: chair, desk, chest of drawers, whatever. Close your eyes and try to picture the shape, the material, and the colors.
• Notice any changes in your environment at home, at school, or in your workplace.
• Look at magazine photos and try to guess what emotions the subjects’ expressions show.
• Observe the effect of light around you. How does it change shapes? Expressions? Moods?