BEYOND SHYNESS

by Jonathan Berent

  Don’t pressure yourself to be able to define a relationship from the first meeting. Keep your expectations general, and remember the playfulness factor. Enjoy someone’s company with no strings attached. Don’t fabricate obligations where none exist. It may take several conversations for a relationship to develop. If you had hoped for romance but the feelings appear not to be reciprocated, switch your interest to friendship, which has its own rich rewards.

  What if you are outright rejected? Rejection at any point—at first meeting, during a date, or well into a relationship—can be painful and difficult for most of us. But there are ways to prevent it from being an all-out failure. One thing I like to tell my clients is that the Chinese word for failure can be interpreted to mean “opportunity.” And opportunities, after all, are there for the taking. It all depends on how you perceive things.

  There is a technique you can borrow from salespeople to counter your feelings of rejection. High-earning salespeople know that you can’t succeed without being turned down at least occasionally. Some even look forward to rejection, because they know that being turned down this time brings them that much closer to succeeding next time around. They may even learn something in the process. So keep this in mind as you experiment with your new, social self: Hearing a no now may actually bring you closer to the bigger and better yes that is soon to happen!

  Apply this idea as you practice interacting: Being turned down at any point in the process helps you to learn a little more—about how to approach a stranger, have a conversation, make plans, go on a date, or move toward intimacy. If you learn something positive from the experience, you can bring that with you into your next social situation. Just as in sales, the payoff in either romance or friendship is worth far more than the possible downfall or minor setback of being turned down.

  A note on self-esteem: Rejection can hurt, but it certainly does not have to be devastating. It’s okay to feel disappointed when we do not get the reaction we want. But all too often, people overemphasize the importance or meaning of rejection—especially where fairly superficial interactions such as a first meeting or casual date are concerned. Here are some tips to keep rejection in perspective:

  • Don’t overthink it. Overanalysis will only increase your anxiety.

  • Keep the feelings of disappointment specific to the rejection situation at hand. Don’t say, “No one ever wants to talk to me.” Say, “Too bad the chemistry wasn’t right for both of us.”

  • Learn from the experience. Ask yourself what you might have done differently, if anything, but then move on. Don’t beat yourself up about it. If those thoughts start, use your thoughtstopping techniques (p. 138) to control them.

  • Use your “Adult” to look objectively at what happened.

  Remember, rejecting your offer of conversation or an evening out does not mean rejecting your whole “being.” You must continue to believe that you have something to offer, and that there are open, available people who would like to get to know you.

  ANXIETY AND THE SOCIAL PROCESS

  Generally, in life, we only make progress when we are willing to take risks. If you don’t take risks in your life, it’s probably because you are held back by anxiety. Because you fear that interaction will result in rejection, embarrassment, and scrutiny, you feel anxiety about it. After all, you tell yourself, why risk experiencing failure? But as we have discussed, rejection is not devastating; it is merely disappointing, and, with your anxiety under control, disappointment is entirely bearable. In time, and with practice and eventual success, your fear of disappointment will diminish.

  Some people, far from shying away from social contact, actually look forward to meeting new people. Meeting new people does not in itself cause anxiety. The beliefs you hold cause anxiety. If you believe rejection will be devastating to you, and that rejection is highly likely to happen, you will feel quite justified in making sure that you never meet any new people at all. But avoidance does not alleviate anxiety. It simply makes the problem worse next time the situation arises. You need to tap into your positive mental attitude. Tell yourself: “Meeting new people is healthy, and by doing it, I stand a good chance of having a positive experience.”

  To summarize, here are some tips for interactive success. Try to integrate them into your being—make them part of your overall attitude toward interacting.

  1. Anticipate success.

  2. Be willing to risk.

  3. Think positive thoughts about yourself to boost your selfesteem.

  4. Think positive thoughts about others as well.

  5. Be yourself.

  This last point leads into a discussion of mental focus. It is typical of a socially anxious person to focus on himself or herself, to forget to read the nonverbal signals of others. Before you attempt to meet someone, it’s a good idea to focus your attention in the right direction, not on yourself, but on the other person. Use your new skills of self-awareness and relaxation to enhance your focusing abilities.

  Think of your attention as a finite resource. Is it really best spent on thoughts about yourself? (“Do I look okay?” “Can he tell I’m sweating?” “Can she tell I’m blushing?” “I hope I don’t say anything dumb,” and so on.) With so much attention directed inward, there is very little left to spend on the other person. One of my clients has so much trouble focusing on others in conversation that she developed a habit of pinching herself to stay on track. Do all you can to stop your inward thinking, because paying attention to the other person will provide you with the basis of an interesting and successful conversation. If you have trouble averting the focus from your own anxiety, try using relaxation techniques to bring your symptoms under control. Diaphragmatic breathing, for example, can bring immediate relief.

  “Party Phobia”

  Many people who join my program or call in during my radio or TV appearances say they have “party phobia”: They become extremely anxious about attending social gatherings and either avoid them or clam up as soon as they arrive. Technically speaking, “party phobia” would mean that you are so fearful that you avoid parties altogether. But even people who actually attend parties do experience various levels of party anxiety. Some nervousness is normal: You’re meeting new people, perhaps dressing up a little. I understand the pain of anxiety, but you can learn not to let your anxiety exclude you from the fun. People give and attend parties because they want to enjoy the company of a group of friends and to meet other people whom they can bring into their social system. Here are some tips that you might find useful as you attempt to negotiate the party scene:

  1. Decide whether to arrive early—within the first half-hour—or late—an hour or more after the party begins. Either could be advantageous, depending upon your specific issues.

  • The early arriver can position herself before most guests have arrived, and therefore ease into the scene, interacting with people as they arrive. In this way, some superficial bonds are formed that allow for a higher comfort level as the event progresses.

  • The late arriver doesn’t have to go through that process. He may not meet everyone in attendance but can instead approach just two or three conversational groups, fitting into the environment and mood that already exist.

  2. Try to circulate. Don’t “ambush” anyone (don’t stay too long with one person, even if you don’t know anyone else there). It’s okay to introduce yourself to people.

  3. Be positive No one likes negative approaches or attitudes, so avoid talking about depressing subjects such as illness or bad experiences.

  4. Along these lines, don’t be negative about yourself. Present an open, friendly image. And don’t choose to stay home because you think the hosts don’t care whether you attend or not: If you were invited, they want you to be there.

  5. Have fun. That’s why you’re there. Keep a sense of humor. Don’t let others know you’re working at it.

  6. Apply relaxation techniques when necessary.

  CONVERSATION GUIDELINES<
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  What is the secret to good conversation? Shared interest in the subject; easy, natural flow from topic to topic; humor, when appropriate; the right amount of give-and-take—all of these elements are present. Countless people who have spoken to me about their social anxiety have said that their biggest social difficulty is having a conversation, whether it’s beginning one or keeping it going.

  How to start a conversation? When talking with someone new, it’s a good idea to move from general to specific, starting with basic subjects such as the weather, news, and some reference to the event or situation at hand. From comments made in the first few minutes, you might move on to talk about what the person does for a living, where he or she lives, and what hobbies he or she pursues. Stay attuned to the interactive chemistry that is developing. Eventually, it may be appropriate to touch upon more personal topics: likes and dislikes, family life, values, and personal beliefs. This section will offer guidelines for starting a conversation, and tips on how to keep it going, when to change the subject, and how to create the opportunity for a graceful exit as the conversation ends.

  Three Ways to Start a Conversation

  It’s a lot easier than you think. Over the years, countless clients have said to me, “But I don’t know what to say! What is the perfect opening line?” Well, here’s some good news: There is no “perfect” opener! In fact, few people remember the first things they ever said to each other. Appearing comfortable and at ease socially is far more important than being witty or astute when it comes time to make that first impression. Just get the conversation going, preferably by encouraging others to talk to you. Here are a few ideas to get you started. Imagine yourself in each of these situations, and think about other things you might say.

  1. Ask a question. Scenario: You are in a parking lot and see someone with a late-model car. “Excuse me,” you say, “I’m in the market for a new car, and I’m considering one like this. What do you think of it?”

  2. Voice an opinion. Scenario: During intermission at a concert or play. “I think they are absolutely terrific! What did you think?” If you’re feeling a little more adventurous, follow up with a veiled invitation. “I think it’s wonderful that they bring such talent to our area, don’t you? I’d really like to come more often.”

  3. State a fact. Scenario: At an art gallery, showing the work of someone about whom you’ve done a little research (it never hurts, and gives you an air of being in the know). “I understand the artist spent several years in Haiti, working with native artists.” Or, if you know next to nothing about the artist, “I’m intrigued by his work, but I know so little about his background. Are you familiar with it?” (This clever turnaround sets your new companion up as the expert, and works even if you actually do know a little something about the subject!)

  Three Opening Topics of Conversation

  Use your information-gathering skills to devise topics that would interest you both. As your conversation proceeds, listen carefully to the answers to your questions; they will provide you with material for further conversation.

  1. The situation you’re both in. For example, if you meet someone in a continuing-education class, you know that you share an interest in learning, as well as in the topic of the course itself. Questions such as “Have you taken other adult education classes?” or “How did you become interested in English history?” should get the ball rolling. If you meet someone at a party, you might start off by talking about how you know the people throwing the party. “Oh, you and Bob went to sailing camp together? Do you still sail?” And so on. Take your cues from them, and let them know you are interested by following up—both verbally with questions, and nonverbally with your body language.

  2. The other person. First, observe what the person is doing, wearing, saying, or reading. Look for things you share in common, or find something that you’d like to know more about. (But watch their body language to be sure they are approachable. A person who is busy changing a tire or engrossed in a book may not want to be disturbed, even by friendly, approachable you.)

  3. Yourself. Talking about yourself is a step leading toward conversational intimacy. But it is only effective if you provide an easy way for your intended companion to turn the conversation around to him or her. A compliment such as “I wish I had your sense of color” starts out with you, but focuses on the other person. It makes her feel immediately appreciated, and offers her a chance to take the conversation further if she likes. When someone mentions something you know about or like, indicate it by nodding or by a short sentence (“I’ve been interested in gardening for years!”). Be careful not to talk about yourself too much—especially at first. That can be a real turnoff.

  The Information Exchange

  Good conversationalists know how to balance speaking and listening. Check the scale once in a while. If you are talking too much, subtly offer the other person a chance (with a follow-up question such as, “What do you think?”). If you have been listening passively, try to interject a comment or two.

  To make sure there is the right amount of give-and-take in your conversation, imagine that the two of you are sharing a microphone. To be polite, and create the most satisfying conversation possible, offer your point of view, and then pass the microphone to your partner.

  Changing Topics

  Changing topics gracefully is the hallmark of an excellent conversationalist. Changing topics keeps the conversation fresh and allows you to explore further ideas of mutual interest. And if you detect that your conversational partner is uncomfortable with a subject, or not interested in it, changing the topic will be tactful and greatly appreciated.

  Good conversations usually move naturally from one subject to the next. Sometimes, the movement will be to a somewhat unrelated area. The important thing is to go with the flow.

  The best way to change the subject is to guide the conversation based on information you were given earlier. Suppose your conversation focuses on volleyball, and your partner mentions having enjoyed volleyball on the beach in Florida last month. As the discussion of volleyball winds down, you might elect to return to the topic of Florida—when and where your partner visited, what places you are familiar with or would like to see, and so on.

  A second way to change subjects is to branch off from the “available” topics by referring to the event at hand:

  At a party:

  “Have you tried the crab dip? It’s really terrific.”

  “Can I freshen your drink?”

  “I simply must have some more chicken wings. The sauce is amazing!”

  At a book club meeting:

  “I wanted to go and compliment the author. I see he’s free now.”

  These are friendly gestures, and leave open two possibilities: the chance for a graceful exit on either part, or the possibility of continuing the conversation at the refreshment table or in line near the author.

  It’s important to be able to change subjects quickly if you sense that your companion is losing interest or is sensitive to something you’ve touched upon (body language will tell you if words do not). Providing easy outs is the considerate thing to do.

  On Paying Compliments

  Compliments, appropriately timed, allow you to develop a greater sense of rapport with your interactive partner. Most people want to feel special and appreciated. Effective compliments focus on the following areas: the person’s behavior, appearance, possessions, or performance. Be sure you are sincere in expressing your approval. Smile. Be specific, saying exactly what you like; make it unique to that person. Use the person’s name, and follow up with a question. “You’re a great dancer, Bill. How did you learn to dance so well?”

  When receiving compliments, don’t try to downplay what is being expressed. This makes the person paying the compliment feel unappreciated. Instead, look the person in the eye and respond positively: Smile, and say thank you. You can even say how you feel about the compliment (“That’s sweet of you to say,” or, “I’m glad to know
my dance classes paid off”). There is no need, however, to return the same compliment to the person who just gave you one.

  Keeping It Going

  Asking questions may be the best way of keeping a conversation going. Not only can you express interest in what is being said, but you also demonstrate a continued desire to get to know the other person. Asking questions to find areas of common interest is somewhat like fishing: You throw out a line more times than you get a bite. So keep asking open-ended questions until you find an area that seems of interest to that person. Then, express your own interest or curiosity.

  There are two types of questions, and a combination of both will serve you best.

  1. Closed-ended: “Yes.” “No.” “True.” “False.” These are deadend answers—a one- or two-word reply that probably leads nowhere. A question such as “Where are you from?” can be closed-ended if the person answers with the place name only. Follow up with an open-ended question, and you may save the conversation. But asking too many closed-ended questions in a row will seem like interrogation. Balance the conversation out with a variety of questions and comments, and you will discover greater interest and depth.

  2. Open-ended: Open-ended questions are like essay questions—they promote thoughtful answers of several sentences, not just one or two words. Such questions include: “How?” “Why?” “In what way?”

  When you ask the questions, you have control in the conversation. Don’t waste the opportunity by asking general questions such as “What’s new?” or “Tell me about yourself.” Be specific. Of course, asking open-ended questions takes practice. Use the guidelines throughout this chapter to develop topics of interest between you.