BEYOND SHYNESS

by Jonathan Berent

  A friend, after all, is a great deal more than that: someone who makes a difference in your life. Friendship entails having things in common and sharing aspects of your life. Having things in common, or commonality, is important. People generally like those who are like them in some way. Friends may have common attitudes, beliefs, values, background, and personality. They can argue often and vigorously when differences arise, but they respect each other.

  Sharing is an important element of friendship because it establishes the bond upon which friendship is based. Sharing includes being involved in activities in which both friends have an interest, as well as an implicit or expressed mutual admiration or enjoyment of each other. With true friendship, there is an intimacy that allows for trust. A friend, quite simply, is someone you can count on in good times and bad.

  How many friends should you have? There is no one answer for everyone. It is true that generally people have a few friends and many more acquaintances, but the number really is not important. Rather, it is the quality of the friendship that matters. In assessing the quality of your relationships, consider the following guidelines for establishing true friendship:

  • Be selective about those with whom you associate.

  • Take a warm interest in others and be a good listener.

  • Do things together—shared experiences strengthen friendship.

  • Be frank, open, and sincere at all times.

  • Show empathy and compassion when others are in trouble.

  • When friends make mistakes or upset you, be ready to forgive.

  • When friends are slandered or unfairly criticized, be loyal and defend them.

  BUT WHAT DO I SAY?

  If you are most concerned about what to say when you first meet someone, you may be directing your attention to the wrong place. Only 7 percent of the message that people receive from you comes from the actual words you say. Your tone of voice accounts for 38 percent of the impression you make, and your nonverbal communication or body language accounts for another full 55 percent! Later in this chapter, we explore how to get beyond those first few seconds of the first impression—when body language is almost everything—into an actual conversation. But for now, let’s start with the basics. What does your body say about you?

  BODY LANGUAGE

  Body language tells other people about your feelings before you even open your mouth. It conveys to others how receptive you are to communicating with them. A friendly first impression leaves room for social success. But an unfriendly first impression may mean there is no second chance with that person or in that situation.

  Of course, the impression you give is only half the picture. There are actually two components to developing body language as a social skill: First, you must learn to project a friendly, open image to others; second, you must develop the ability to read another person’s nonverbal behavioral signals, a much more challenging skill. In Phil’s case, he worked so hard to make sure that his body language was friendly and open that he neglected to read Carol’s hesitancy—the way she drew back, the way her eyes wandered and her attention seemed to drift. Giving and receiving the appropriate signals makes socializing much less of a guessing game and helps minimize the chances of approaching someone who will reject you. What are the basic nonverbal messages we send and receive? This overview will help you to identify them. But remember—use this chapter as a fundamental outline of basic concepts. Don’t be robotic. Adapt these concepts naturally to your own life.

  Posture

  The first impression you make is likely to be from several feet away. An observer will assess your approachability from a general analysis of how you stand, so the right posture is something to be considered.

  A closed posture—sitting with arms and legs crossed, often with a hand covering the mouth or chin—gives the signal: “Stay away, I’m not interested in speaking with anyone.” Similarly, standing with arms crossed conveys defensiveness or displeasure, a poor impression to give anyone you’d like to get to know.

  An open posture—arms relaxed, not crossed, hands away from mouth—says: “I’m available for a conversation, and I’m friendly. Come on over and approach me.”

  When you are working toward friendly posture, keep in mind that the degree of muscle tension is another clue to whether someone is open to being approached. A relaxed posture indicates that a person is more receptive. A tightened posture indicates that the person feels threatened. Think about the muscle relaxation exercises in the previous chapter: Remember how much calmer you feel when you have given your muscles the “soft and loose” command? Similarly, deep, regular breathing creates an impression of approachability.

  Here is an exercise that makes use of biofeedback (information gathered, stored, and applied) to give you knowledge about your body language. Stand or sit in front of a mirror. Strive for an absence of tension. Look at your face. Use internal coaching to let your facial muscles go slack. Say, “My forehead, cheeks, and mouth are relaxed.” If you see a furrowed brow or tight cheeks or lips, continue giving yourself the relaxation message until your face looks different. Then, imprint the muscle memory of relaxation into your mind. When you interact with others, try to recall this relaxed state.

  Smile

  By the time an observer has taken in the information conveyed by how you stand, you are likely to have noticed his or her attention. The next step? Smile. A natural, spontaneous smile indicates friend liness or willingness to communicate. We smile to say hello, and we smile to indicate approval or interest. A frown, of course, indicates unhappiness or a bad mood, as well as a lack of receptivity or skepticism.

  The great thing about smiling at someone is that the person usually smiles back. Smiling is an easy way to say hello, and most likely will make another person more receptive and friendly toward you. But try not to act—the smile should be genuine. Be real, and others will recognize your sincerity.

  A precautionary note: Make sure you combine smiling (and the other “accessible” behaviors described in this chapter) with an approach or attempt at conversation—or at least a warm hello at the right moment. If you smile for too long without further action, you may scare the other person away.

  Body Orientation

  When someone does approach and speak to you, pay careful attention to the extent to which you face that person. Facing someone directly communicates an interest in him or her, while turning the body away indicates a desire to avoid interaction. Similarly, when you are talking to someone, watch to see whether his or her body is facing you, indicating an interest in interacting, or turning away in an attempt to avoid the conversation.

  Forward Lean

  Just as facing a person directly demonstrates interest, so does leaning forward slightly. Leaning forward shows that you are actively listening. It’s a kind of nonverbal compliment that tends to keep the conversation going. But pay attention to appropriate social distance (see p. 179, Proxemics, for more on this subject). You don’t want to come on too strong.

  Leaning back, especially with hands over your mouth or behind your head, communicates boredom, or lack of interest. When others pick up on this, they will cut the conversation short and move on. When you perceive that someone you are talking to is leaning back, you may do well to change the subject, perhaps by asking what he or she thinks. If this produces no change in response, it may be time for you to move on. Don’t take it personally, especially in a party environment. Most people who attend large gatherings are accustomed to moving from conversation to conversation and may not want to spend more than several minutes with any one person.

  Eye Contact

  Shakespeare called the eyes the windows of the soul. In fact, your eye contact signals more to another person than any other nonverbal behavior. When you first see someone across the room, catching that person’s eye, like smiling, is a clear way to indicate interest. If someone meets your glance, it is an indication that he or she too may be interested in talking. As you evaluate th
e situation, keep in mind that there are degrees of approachability. Some people may be interested in no more than a smile or a brief hello, while others would enjoy a brief exchange or even a conversation. The trick is to provide enough of an opener that you will receive further information on which to base your next move. One thing you can be almost sure of, though, is that a person who responds to your eye contact by looking away is not interested in pursuing further interaction. It is also possible that the other person might feel anxious as well.

  Reading other people takes practice. Sometimes a socially anxious person will look away—if you tend to do this, try to stop. As I said, looking away is generally read as a signal that you are not interested. If you avoid eye contact, the person you are talking to may read it as boredom. And some people read avoiding eye contact as a sign of dishonesty.

  Once you are engaged in conversation, direct eye contact reiterates your interest and says that you are really listening to the other person. To maintain friendly, interested eye contact, use the guidelines below. But first, don’t stare. Staring intently can make other people uncomfortable. Instead, vary your focus to different parts of the face, so long as it returns to the eyes.

  NOTE: As you go through this outline of social skills, remind yourself that your purpose is not to be mechanical. Instead, use this chapter as a baseline of information that you can check against your own interactive skills.

  Nodding

  You can nod your head to show that you are listening and understanding what is being said. Nodding is a sign of approval, and encourages the speaker to continue talking. How often should you do it? Try not to nod mechanically throughout the conversation. Instead, choose to nod when you especially agree with what is being said. By saving the nod for times when you feel the strongest emotions, when you can best relate to what your companion is saying, you are participating in the conversation even without using words.

  Touching

  Like nodding, touching shows interest. Upon meeting someone, the best way to show respect and sincere interest is to shake hands. A warm, firm handshake shows that you have an open, friendly social attitude. Don’t be afraid to be the first to smile, offer your name, and extend your hand—people will appreciate your interest and willingness to connect.

  With whom should you shake hands? These days, it’s appropriate to shake hands man to man, woman to woman, or man to woman—in both social and business contexts while exchanging names with other people. (Of course, a man should use a slightly gentler grip when shaking a woman’s hand.)

  A number of clients who have come to me say that their previous therapists or their parents have advised them to take a dance class in order to gain interactive skills and desensitize themselves to social anxiety. That’s a good idea. But it’s not that simple. The ideal situation would be one in which you could progress through the various levels of intimacy at a natural pace in an actual interactive situation. Developing a keen sense of interactive chemistry will help you to understand what type of touching behavior is appropriate.

  As for other, more personal forms of touch, these should be undertaken more cautiously, and with keen attention to the body language of the other person. When it seems appropriate, gestures such as taking someone’s arm or offering your own as you enter or leave a room or cross the street, touching a companion’s back as you introduce him or her to an acquaintance—all of these are fairly noncommittal, but are a display of caring and interest. When you try these things, take special note of the response you get. Remember that body language involves communication between two people. Not only do you need to give signals of friendliness and approval but also to take cues from the other person involved.

  Proxemics

  Proxemics is the study of how people use space. As a rule, people reveal how they feel toward each other by the distance they maintain between them. You can test this by observing people’s behavior in public.

  Where you place yourself in relation to others gives them direct information as to how you feel about them. Where they place themselves relative to you communicates a similar message to you. You can use this to understand the messages that others send to you, and to make sure that you in turn are sending appropriate messages to them. Different levels of physical closeness are appropriate for different levels of intimacy. Familiarize yourself with the four conversation zones listed below, and use the knowledge to interact more effectively:

  1. Intimate distance: From actual touch to eighteen inches away. This distance is reserved for those people we are emotionally closest to. Sharing this zone is a sign of trust and an indication that one’s defenses have been lowered. When this zone is invaded inappropriately, we feel uncomfortable and threatened.

  It was the inability to recognize this distance that got Phil into trouble on his date with Carol. In dating, observing your companion’s reaction as you move into this zone is crucial. If you move within eighteen inches of your partner and he or she doesn’t retreat, it is an indication that the other person is comfortable. If the person moves away—even slightly—it is an indication that you have entered the intimate zone prematurely.

  If other indications suggest that this companion does in fact enjoy your company, continue to proceed. Most people will truly appreciate your ability to read them—much less awkward than having to discuss these things in the early stages of a friendship or potential romance!

  2. Personal distance: Eighteen inches to four feet. This is the zone occupied by people who feel comfortable together. Eighteen inches is the distance at which most couples stand when in public, and the distance at which close friends might stand if they were having an intimate conversation. The far end of this range, from two and a half to four feet, is the zone beyond arm’s length. While this distance still indicates a reasonably close relationship, it is not nearly as intimate as the range of one and a half to three feet.

  3. Social distance: Four to twelve feet. Generally the distance between people who work together and between the salesperson and customer in a store. The span of seven to twelve feet is usually reserved for more formal and impersonal situations.

  4. Public distance: Twelve to twenty-five feet. The closer end of the span, twelve feet away, is what teachers usually use in the classroom. Anything further away suggests a lecture situation, in which conversation is almost impossible.

  Courting and Friendship Reciprocals

  Reciprocals are the signals people give each other to indicate an interest in companionship. When there is physical attraction, these signals include smiling, repeated glances (perhaps with an extra second or two of direct eye contact), and straightening or smoothing of clothes.

  Meeting and Greeting

  1. Use eye contact and smiling as your first contact with others. In doing so, you can scout out the friendly, approachable strangers in the room and feel immediately more at ease.

  2. Be the first to say hello. Stay calm if you are left alone to mingle—large parties, forgetful hosts, and friendly guests make this situation inevitable.

  3. Introduce yourself to others. Offer your hand and say: “Hello. My name is …”

  A tidbit of information gives the new acquaintance something to build a conversation on: “Hello. I’m [your first and last name]. [The host’s name] and I work together at the university.”

  4. As you shake hands, repeat the person’s name. “Nice to meet you, Jack.” This will help imprint the name in your own mind.

  5. Make an extra effort to remember names and use them in conversation: “Don’t you agree, Jim?” This makes people feel special.

  6. Go out of your way to meet new people. They may feel as out of place as you do: “Hi, I don’t believe we’ve met yet, I’m …” or “I don’t know a soul.”

  7. Ask neutral questions that are easy to answer to convey the message that you’d like to get to know this person better.

  8. Be prepared to say something interesting about what you do—but in small doses. No one wants to hear you
talk exclusively about yourself.

  9. Communicate a sense of enthusiasm about the event at hand or life in general. Focus on the positive.

  10. Look for passing comments that could open up a whole topic of conversation. “The New York subways were a real experience for this country boy” could lead to a discussion of childhood on the farm, adjusting to city life, public transportation. … Clothes, jewelry, and accessories also make excellent conversation pieces. It’s up to you to take the conversational ball and run with it, but be sure to pass it back to your teammate from time to time.

  TURNING REJECTION AROUND

  What if your friendly, hopeful conversation starter is not met with signals of approval or interest? If the person you approach is fidgety, avoids eye contact, appears uneasy, and exhibits none of the signals of welcome, chances are he or she is not interested in interaction—at least not at that moment.

  The first thing to do is slow down. Be patient, and give the person time to relax with you. If you present yourself as relaxed and open to whatever develops (whether a good conversation, a valuable working relationship, even friendship or romance), your companion may in time relax too. Use your verbal skills to create interesting conversation and a sense of ease to break the tension.