BEYOND SHYNESS
Page 21
1. Common interests
2. Living in close proximity
3. Common values
4. Similar socioeconomic levels
5. Both of you listen equally to each other
6. Similar life goals
7. Involvement in common activities (such as an association, team, gym, etc.)
8. Sharing other friends in common, or can get along with your other friends
9. Good communication—good chemistry
When you are pursuing friendships, age is not the most important ingredient, and friendship can cross age barriers. But a pattern of friendships exclusively outside the peer group bears looking at: It may be symptomatic of a problem, such as underlying issues of competition that you may be avoiding. A healthy balance usually includes several peer relationships.
What about gender? Same-sex friendships are likely to constitute the majority of your relationships. They are valuable because they build closeness based on bonding from shared experiences, and the companionship and fun you can have with same-sex friends will add a lot to your life. But friends of the opposite sex also have an appeal. They can give you the “opposite” perspective on socializing, and may create opportunities for you to meet some of their same-sex friends for the purpose of dating. In fact, Linda, a twenty-nine-year-old lab assistant, told me she especially valued her opposite-sex friendships for just this reason. She had lived in her area for several months and had met few women with whom to form friendships, but she had gotten to know several men in her apartment complex, which had a pool and barbecue area where residents congregated. Linda had dated a few times since moving, but she felt somewhat anxious about meeting new people. The platonic relationships she developed at poolside helped her to feel more comfortable with dating. Her friendships with men became a means for overcoming her anxiety and were actually a good first step toward her being able to forge more intense relationships later. In many cases, there is a useful purpose for the male-female friendship, and positive energy can come from it, provided both parties really do have the same expectations. Of course, I am aware that there is considerable debate as to whether male-female friendships are truly possible, given the potential for underlying sexual tension. But that debate is too complicated to go into here. Think of it as an individual issue: Whatever works for you is okay. If you are comfortable with platonic friends of the opposite sex, by all means include them in your social system.
And don’t discount the idea of couples as friends. Many couples enjoy spending time with people whose current situations are different from theirs, and they too may know single friends whom you might be interested to meet. One couple I know enjoy a healthy family life with their three kids but say they find it hard to find other couples to become close to: It’s difficult, they say, to have good chemistry with both members of a couple—they might like the company of one member, but not the other. Similarly, a single person might find he or she relates better to one member of a couple than the other. In any case, do consider getting to know the couples you have met. And don’t be put off by fear of the stigma of socializing with couples. If you keep the characteristics of potential friendship in mind, you will meet with success.
Friends and Lovers
Sometimes what starts out as a male-female friendship turns into romance. And in fact, there is a lot to be said for taking things slowly. Give yourselves time to pursue common interests, meet each other’s friends, and just get to know each other, and the relationship can evolve naturally, without the pressure of any preconceptions. This way, no matter what develops, your expectations are in line with reality, and you may feel less disappointed than you would have if you had pinned all your hopes on romance. Other people want the romance right away. But be clear with yourself about your expectations or objectives. And if the chemistry is not right, or your expectations are different from the other person’s, then move on.
But what about romance? When should a friendship turn into a deeper relationship? As in any friendship, compatibility is the key, and where physical intimacy is concerned, only you can assess your comfort level. Love is, as they say, a mysterious thing. But there is an essential element to romance that goes beyond friendship: chemistry. Interactive chemistry is a part of every relationship, and it appears in romantic relationships as a mutual attraction between two people. It’s difficult to describe this attraction, but it usually appears as a high degree of interest in each other, almost a craving to be together. When you talk, you may find time passes very quickly, and suddenly it’s five hours later. In many cases, this chemistry exists immediately upon meeting—a kind of interactive “love at first sight”—and you simply hit it off right away. In other cases, romance can develop out of friendship and spending time together. As you continue getting to know the person, you may find that when you’re apart, your thoughts drift back to that person—to the time you have spent together or to your future plans.
It is important to note that there is a difference between loving and being in love. Both emotions are valid, but the differences are distinct. Where being in love connotes the intensity described above—a higher degree of energy and passion—loving someone may be described as a steady feeling of contentment and connection. Neither one is necessarily deeper than the other. One of my clients, Melanie, was separated from her husband and living with a boyfriend when she came to see me. She very much wanted to sort out her feelings. She was passionate about the man she lived with, and had a very good sexual relationship with him, but after fourteen years of marriage and two children, she still felt a deep connection to her husband. In the end, she went back to him, having worked through her issues with me. After all, compatibility and caring are a vital part of feeling close to someone. They may, as in this case, even override feelings of attraction or infatuation.
Seven Steps of Relationship Development
For people with social anxiety, dating can be particularly stressful. There are many unknowns: “Does this person share my interest?” “Will it work out?” and so on. Here are a few guidelines to help keep you on track through the initial stages of a potentially romantic relationship:
1. Develop conversation that explores areas of common interest or experience.
2. Make it clear that you like the person, and make plans to meet again.
3. Make a follow-up call to arrange your first date, and plan an interesting or enjoyable time. Be prepared with suggestions, but be flexible.
4. On your first date:
• Be yourself—and be attentive.
• Continue exploring areas of mutual interest.
• Determine if there is positive chemistry and if a relationship is worth pursuing. If a potential relationship is developing, both individuals usually drop hints about doing other things together. Each expresses enthusiasm through eye contact, voice qualities, body language, and a developing conversation that expresses a sincere desire to learn more about each other.
5. Continue to see each other and share your feelings. Let the other person know how you are feeling about him or her. The frequency of contact is usually a good indicator of whether a romantic relationship is developing; less intensity is likely to mean it is something more casual.
6. Consider being romantic—sending flowers, having a candlelight dinner, and so on.
7. If the chemistry develops, you may be ready to become involved physically. Take it slowly. Good things are not rushed.
Friends in the Workplace
In our society, there is an increasing pattern of people seeking social contact on the job. This can be quite positive—for all the reasons that friendship is usually positive. But it is important not to let workplace relationships interfere with your ability to get your job done. I can think of several examples in which personal relationships developed among colleagues—some having positive results and some negative.
Frank and Tim started work as bank tellers in the same branch on the same day, and formed a friendship that lasted for yea
rs. They became best friends, and supported and helped each other both on and off the job and in later years through many career changes, first to different branches, then to different positions within the executive levels of the organization.
Tom and Maria worked in separate departments at the same company, and met for the first time at the annual Christmas party. They began seeing each other and eventually were married.
Sara was hired as Eric’s secretary, and shortly after she began working, Eric asked her out. A relationship developed that made everyone in the office uncomfortable and began to interfere with overall productivity. Eventually, they were both fired.
A married man began to have an affair with a single woman in his department. Although they tried to be discreet, rumors began circulating, and the relationship caused a great deal of internal stress in the department as suspicions of favoritism ran rampant and morale plummeted.
Dating can become a problem most often if the two people involved work closely together. Perhaps the worst situation is when one is a supervisor of the other—or when the relationship affects the social system already in place within the company. For example, one woman at an importing business was a diligent, responsible worker. But when a new executive began going out with the boss, her anger and resentment resulted in reduced productivity. She feared favoritism, and perceived her own work to be of less value than the work of the colleague who was seeing the boss. The anger of this longtime employee caused her to question seriously how much longer she could stay in what had been a pleasant work environment. Again, if you interfere with the way co-workers are accustomed to relating to each other, you risk bad feelings on the part of your colleagues. If you do end up dating someone in your office, here are a few guidelines.
1. Make clear in your mind the difference between your work relationship and your personal relationship.
2. Don’t allow a “playing favorites” situation to develop: Don’t accept special treatment or give special treatment. Be fair to everyone involved.
3. Get the job done efficiently, and don’t use work time for personal pleasure or take yourselves out to lunch on the company.
In general, you will have to go out of your way to make sure that your relationship is not perceived by others as a hindrance to smooth functioning. If you do consider the workplace as a place to meet potential dates, it’s important to follow the protocols of the social system. Understand the boundaries with the opposite sex in terms of what is appropriate, and bear in mind that what may seem like friendly banter to you could feel like sexual harassment to someone else. You don’t know the nature of the other person’s anxiety, so it is better to err on the side of caution when engaging in any kind of flirtation at work. Again, it’s important to understand the chemistry.
Stop and Think
Right now, let’s do an imagery exercise to make use of the social skills applications we’ve discussed so far. Sit down in a comfortable chair. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Feel yourself relaxing. Let your body grow limp and let your mind go. What feelings do you have about your current relationships?
Friendships
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Dating relationships
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What are your present goals regarding friendships?
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What about dating relationships?
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Now, formulate a plan for achieving these goals:
Friendships
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Dating relationships
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If there is a block, examine what it is. Write it down. What self-help strategies could you apply now to help you to get beyond the block and reconsider your friendship and dating goals?
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YOUR WORK ENVIRONMENT
Remember the story of the computer genius who couldn’t keep a job because of poor social skills? In every workplace, good interactive chemistry is essential, and the basis of good interactive chemistry is good communication. Where there is good chemistry, both parties understand each other and perceive a camaraderie that makes them feel like a productive part of a team. This section explores ways to apply your interactive skills in acquiring a job and developing your career once you have a job.
Job Acquisition
The entire job-acquisition process—considering job prospects, your personal and professional preparation, creating a résumé, going on a job interview—depends for success upon possessing social skills and managing anxiety. How you adapt to the stress of this process can play a major role. As with other aspects of interaction, anxiety can often keep you from getting the jobs you really want and would be well suited for. If you allow your anxiety to control you, you may avoid applying for a new position because you fear rejection. Or you may let the fear of failure keep you from accepting a new challenge, no matter how badly you would like to take the job. But let’s look first at the job process and consider self-help techniques that will lead to a more rewarding, productive career. For people with social anxiety, low self-esteem is often a stumbling block to fulfillment in their careers: If you feel you are underqualified, you may hesitate to seek challenges, whether in a new company or within your current one.
I have worked with several men who say their self-esteem is low because they are not the stereotype of success: They do not wear a suit, carry a briefcase, or drive the latest-model car. In their minds, this is the most important measure of success. But they themselves are not failures. One of the men I can think of is a successful plumber, another has a telephone sales job, and a third manages a large warehouse. Still, they have doubts about their appeal to women because of their career choices; increasing their self-esteem will help them to see themselves in a new way. Success need not be defined by media standards such as the right clothes or an expensive automobile. Everyone is different. Your personal success can only be measured by your own personal fulfillment and productivity.
The following exercises should help to free you of your fears of self-expression and failure. Do not burden yourself with thoughts of “I can’t,” or “No one would hire me to …” Instead, let yo
ur imagination go, and allow yourself the freedom to explore your interests and ambitions. Don’t worry about what others will think of your answers. These exercises are just for you.
Your Dream Job
In my clinical experience, I have found that many talented people have allowed anxiety to hamper them from pursuing their aspirations. They may achieve a measure of success but are unable to go as far as they could because they are afraid that acknowledging their goals could lead to embarrassment if those goals aren’t met. This results in performance anxiety that hampers their chances of success. It is important to take risks in order to pursue what you really want out of life. In the next exercise, you will use your imagination to expand your potential. As you do this exercise, remember: No one ever succeeded without experiencing some failure along the way.
First, consider what areas you’d like to work in. List the jobs or career fields that interest you. For now, forget about whether you yourself would be qualified for the job. Just think about the jobs that you find most interesting or inspiring. (Even the most outlandish or unusual job—music video director, auctioneer, astronaut—should be listed, so long as it appeals to you.)
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Now, without assessing whether you would be qualified for these particular jobs, write down the different factors that are important to you in a job. Examples might include: large (or small) organization; close to home; smoke-free environment; a chance to work with others; a chance to work outside.