by Lu Min
Furthermore, would it be fair to her? Knocking on her door after so many years would apparently be rash and over-reaching…Maybe she's melded into the masses and has a peaceful life now, becoming a good wife and mother as everyone around her is unaware of her issues; perhaps she has a terrible life and has been through hell, and only through great effort has she pulled herself out of the quicksand…but no matter what situation she's in now, surely she doesn't want to hash up old issues. There's a sinful debt buried deep between us. What right do I have to go knocking on her door and stir up old memories? It's beyond the pale.
I've taken the little note, a few inches wide, unfolding it and refolding it, folding it up and unfolding it out. These are very tiny motions, but in my consciousness it's somehow like a huge, heavy door that I'm pushing open and closed, closed and open. The past shines like gold on the door, and it's also like the blindingly bright tips of grain that are searing hot to the eyes. I'm completely undecided and at my wits' end.
I didn't notice when Xiaoqing snuck in. She was probably watching me a long time before catching me off guard and snatching the note from my hand. She seemed so naive, reading it out loud, Yangcun Gated Apartments, Sitiao Alley…Si Jia. Dad, who is this? Are you going out to for her? We can go together! Your memory isn't good, plus, you’re old now. Surely I can go along with you.
I stood up, accidentally pushing over the stool I was sitting on in the process, hurriedly making motions to her to keep quiet so your mom wouldn't hear. This kid, Xiaoqing, seemed to be picking on me, frisking away the ball of paper into her hand and putting her finger by her lips. Now you have to promise me you'll take me to see her, otherwise I'll go looking for her myself…
See? Now I've somehow been sucked into going by your little sister, and I have to go…Why does she have to butt into things? Now I have to go see Si Jia, otherwise, this kid, Xiaoqing…I know, she'll absolutely never quit…
I've suddenly come up with a good idea on how to deal with Xiaoqing and not force my own hand. I can go look for Si Jia, but I can credibly want to avoid scaring her off. I don't have to meet her. I just want to see her from afar, and see that woman. The female high school grad who was eighteen that year-who is she? How's it going for her? Danqing, isn't that the lady-your lady? I'll just consider is seeing her in place of you-that, and nothing else…
"Disbelief"
[1]
In the aftermath of the night of the century, it was the first time Xiaoqing had happily caught a glimmer of hope, like tying two ropes together. As for finding out about the secret, she'd come up with another idea. Indeed, a new situation had finally emerged.
She could then sense that the woman whose name was written on the note paper was surely a crucial factor in the entire hoax. There was also that old man called "Officer He" who came rashly knocking on the door to present the note. At first they'd ducked into the dining room for a private conversation when I suddenly burst in, and dad obviously had a bit of a nervous look on his face. Humph! These people are like candied hawthorn shoved on a bamboo stick-they know everything about what's going on, and they're hiding the truth from me alone. Well, well. It's like what the teacher says when she yells at students: The fox tail has come into view.
And why was the man making a surprise appearance a police officer? Could it be that these secrets have something to do with the "police"? Remember, too, Officer He blurted out: You really have it hard. She's so big already. What's her name? She bears a strong resemblance.
Why do I "have it hard"? Why did he say "already"? Who do I "look like"?
In the end it was surely because dad flashed him a look. The man stiffly added, "Your daughter looks like you". That was certainly an ironic remark. It's not me who looks like dad, but that man-the man who is really her father. Aha! Behold the latest deduction.
Returning her attention to the note: Who is this woman named "Si Jia" mentioned on the note? What's her relation to me? Xiaoqing's thought process crawled at an exasperatingly slow pace. She was unwilling to jump to conclusions or be like she was in first grade, playing that "Big Brother Danqing" game which they fooled everyone and themselves with. She was already ten years old, and she didn't want to repeat the same mistake…
It's noteworthy that things had gone horribly for her in recent years as she was "disbelieving" too many things in life.
The biggest "disbelief" came from her parents with their rotten and clumsy lies. They were obviously trying to fool her, yet they were full-heartedly pretending to love her and make sacrifices for her, pretending to the point of embarrassing Xiaoqing and making her feel guilty (and even hateful) .
Then there were her school teachers who'd always been lying to her, all the way from the first grade to the fifth grade, lying whenever it was handy. You only need to be honest when you've made a mistake-that way we won't yell at you; Teachers' Day is here-remember when you go home to tell your parents not to give us gifts under any circumstances. Otherwise we won't keep them and we'll donate them all to the school…
And there were other things-everything in life. There were countless hair-raising stories about scams which made her parents suspicious and kept them constantly on edge. They reminded each other at the dining room table in a worried, angered tone. They even made a point to repeatedly enjoined Xiaoqing, naggingly and sincerely, Don't talk to strangers or pick up lost wallets on the street. Don't believe in warehouse clearance sales or life-time warranties. Don't believe in gift offers or cell phone prizes. Don't believe in organic food being additive-free or doctors' prescriptions. Don't believe what judges say or celebrity advertisements. Don't believe news reports…
Sometimes Lan Ying would make a special trip to buy groceries at the market with Xiaoqing, listening to the stall vendors sincerely announcing, Our vegetables were grown without pesticides; our family eats these ourselves…The water isn't sprayed on-it's dew. These arrow roots were never soaked in soapy water; to be honest, they just happen to be gleaming white…Mom was always giving Xiaoqing secret squeezes of the hand with thorough understanding, as if to say: Hear that? Listen to their lies. You must always remember…
Perhaps from the cradle to maturity, girls from Xiaoqing's generation were all like that. Starting from their birth in the 1990's, that distinct character trait, "disbelief", was ever-present, and furthermore, it was evenly distributed throughout every moment and every facet of their lives. They looked out upon society with the same eyes, and the quantities of cheating versus being cheated were about in equilibrium. It was characteristic of the entire era: in a nation that had lost its willingness to believe, people's nerves should have been flexible enough. They should have been able to laugh at themselves, and even have a sense of humor.
But for the fifth grader Xiaoqing, with the wool pulled over her eyes and having a fervent desire for the truth, all of this "disbelief" was somehow like a siege that had quickly and hermetically sealed her tiny soul shut. It was just frightening-she truly hated this lie-filled world where everyone colluded to fool her.
I guess I'll wait it out for now, Xiaoqing often advised and consoled herself. When I grow up and understand what all those issues are about, I'll make all your lives a living hell.
Xiaoqing took the note she grabbed from her dad's hand, looking at it like her greatest treasure, and a childish yet sufficiently experienced smile cracked across her face.
[2]
Xiaoqing's unpredictable smile was a constant source of heartbreak for Lan Ying. She always thought that Xiaoqing shouldn't smile like that. Lan Ying couldn't remember when Xiaoqing started flashing that disquieting smile. This decrepit mother suffered all that anyone could suffer from pregnancy and birthing, and furthermore, she blindly and unconditionally cherished Xiaoqing-cherishing her without principles and giving her whatever she wanted. But how could it be that suddenly she opened her eyes, and snap, the child was virtually a stranger and even a bit frightening?
Once she took Xiaoqing to a museum exhibit. They passed by a univ
ersity on the way, and across the street on the wall was a vending machine for condoms. Xiaoqing asked her, Hey mom, what's that? What are they selling?
Lan Ying didn't know how to answer her, and after a brief pause she could only give a vague response. I don't know. I never bought those things before, either…Lan Ying could remember that before she could finish her sentence, Xiaoqing turned her eyes up to her and gave her a look. Xiaoqing apparently didn't believe her at all. But she didn't ask any follow up questions or give away any clues. She had a personality trait which would never allow herself to press people to say something they didn't want to. This calm collectedness admittedly evinced a maturity beyond her age.
There were many other similar stories. Her questions were like pitfalls, set up intentionally to trap Lan Ying. She'd find questions that Lan Ying would surely answer with a lie. Lan Ying's embarrassment and uneasiness when being observed lying seemed somehow pleasing to Xiaoqing. She was like a cunning judge in disguise, incessantly amassing proof and collecting all her parents' lies.
However, Xiaoqing wasn't actually dishonoring her parents[Honoring one's parents, or Xiaodao, is a traditional Confucian ideal, and is still universally contended with by all Chinese.]. In actuality, she'd matured a lot and was able to sympathize with others and be considerate of them. She slowed down a bit to eat at the dinner table, adjusting her speed to the two elders' sluggish chewing. When crossing the street or going up or down stairs, she'd give Lu Zhongsheng a helping hand. In a public bathhouses in winter time, she'd be wary of Lan Ying passing out and not have the slightest inclination to keep herself from catching cold…These details were great consolations to Lan Ying and Lu Zhongsheng, and they shone like a light at the end of the tunnel for them.
But how could it be expressed? Caring for the physical well-being of others could surely never abate psychological distance. As the days passed, Xiaoqing was overcome by an uncooperative mood. Although Xiaoqing could be like a warm blanket, knowing how to relate to them when it was cold or hot, she surely didn't adore them. At the very least, her love was conditional and limited. Sometimes it would metastasize into hate-strangers on the street could lie to her, vendors could lie to her, her teachers and classmates could lie to her, the entirety of society could lie to her…but why were her parents (with whom she mutually depended on for survival) unable to come out and tell her the whole truth?
[3]
My old, weak and confused father-I'm truly worried for the three of you. Xiaoqing is growing up before your very eyes-and before my very own eyes, too. I often visit her west-facing, L-shaped balcony room, the room I lived in until I was nineteen…
She hasn't told you, but she's happened upon a Big White Rabbit candy tin that I used to hide behind the dresser. That's actually no big deal, but she has quite a strange attitude toward that thing. She used to be curious and friendly, but now, that friendly vibe is gone and has been replaced with hatred. She not only hates the tin itself, but its contents as well…Catching that thing of mine out of the corner of her eye is enough to make her hatred sizzle up, but she has nowhere to let off her steam-she won't moan or cry. I saw her tiny body curled up face-down in bed, not moving, helpless like an expired toy that was thoughtlessly cast aside by its owner…
Indeed I've seen the small note, too-that note that Officer He ripped off a pad of light-green striped paper from who-knows-where. Xiaoqing is enamored to the point of always wanting to kiss it. Apparently, this has become another cause of hope for her. She's surely thinking that if she could only get a good grasp on this rope and fumble along to wherever it leads, she's sure to find what she considers to be the whys and wherefores…
I'm deeply saddened to see all this. Dad, it's me who is ultimately the mastermind of this crime. Because of that shameful incident, you two have had no choice but to tell a methodical web of lies. It would have been a successful strategy for just her earlier childhood. "Big Brother Danqing" helped her to happily get over her psychological trauma from kindergarten and first grade. But now, it's probably having the opposite effect. Your benevolent lies you were forced to tell, when considered in combination with every kind of lie she encounters in society, are like battery acid, rotting away the very foundation of Xiaoqing's faith. Now she has no clue what's up or down.
Most regrettably her feelings for you suddenly vacillate from hot to cold. One aspect is that on the basis of pure, animal, emotional instinct and a natural sense of filial piety coming from a warm, cozy profound place in the soul, she very much wants to adore you (if you can believe that) . But it can't happen as this one, stubborn reason is continually preventing her. She hasn't realized her role in the family, nor does she feel that she belongs. She's always deeply conflicted with herself in this labyrinthine life of hers. Can you imagine what a horrible experience this is for an eleven year-old child? How could she ever naively and purely love anyone?
Thus, no matter what, you can't blame her. There's a dike erected in her mind that separates the two of you…and it's actually none other than me, Big Brother Danqing.
"Ta" 31
[1]
What's the most important step in Internet romance? Of course it's the personal meeting (which is always the last) -that's the general rule. Every time she thought about it, Si Jia would always remind herself. We're not meeting in person. That's just the way it'll have to be. She was dying to see him, so she'd decided not to. She just had too many hopes for this "Violent Aesthetics"-so much so that she wished for the lowest risk, safest, best way to maintain the status quo. This was, naturally, not to meet in person, as they were deeply attached and in love with each other only on the Internet.
Heaven really blessed Si Jia in this respect-that "Violent Aesthetics" actually agreed to it. But it was a forced agreement, like an imposed, counter-intuitive prescription obligating lovers to reign in their passions. There was a time when the general theme of their chats was "meeting in person", and every emotion took turns on the stage-discussion, hypothesis, consolation, encouragement, pleading, anger…"Violent Aesthetics" made an even more pessimistic prognosis than Si Jia. If we meet in person, it's completely certain that you'll never meet me again-even on the Internet. Ah, I'm too afraid of losing you. You'll never understand how much I like you. I like you more than of all men in the world could ever like you…
And the human mind, such an unfathomable realm…If we take for example two people walking down the street in the same direction, when the slow one walks in front of the slower one, he somehow becomes the leader. Such was "Violent Aesthetics" who was veritably given to planting rash ideas in Si Jia's head. Wouldn't it be better to meet in person? What are you afraid of? Why not put it all above the table and out in the open? "Violent Aesthetics" has already seen my picture anyway-could it be he's afraid I'll think he's old or ugly? He's seriously underestimated me. Could he be older than my stepfather? Could he be uglier than the "Hong Kong man"? What's appearance and youth worth anyway? They're nothing more than the gross, material body. All I want is a warm heart.
Indeed, all that Si Jia needed was a hug. Her skin was dying of thirst…She had hugs in bygone years-her stepfather's hugs, the synthesis of family love and carnal desire…the young man's hug at the dance, excited adolescent hearts that had virtually nothing to do with the soul…the groom's hug, posing as foreign style…encouraging hugs unrelated to feelings among coworkers at the sales meeting…the god damned Hongkongie's nude bullshit hugs…But she needed a real hug-one that would fit her thirty-four years of age and her frail, material body. Would that have been too much to ask? She and "Violent Aesthetics" had so many days and nights of online intimacy already, so what was there to avoid? Could it be that real feelings for someone would fade away from of a kiss of physical intimacy?
Si Jia wrote all of these words in her computer, and when "Violent Aesthetics" saw it, he didn't respond for quite some time. Then he'd seemingly made a final decision. Then you must remember what you said-all you want is the heart, and the physical body i
s of no importance…When you see me, you must remember what you said. Don't get angry-don't get angry at me. Surely don't get angry at yourself…Just remember that we love each other.
Alright, it's a date. Let's meet at Ivy Teahouse on Shanghai Road tonight. Si Jia gritted her teeth after finally typing out the invitation.
[2]
Oh, all you living people, have any of you ever really thought about fast and slow, strange and familiar, fiction or fact?
Mankind has become absurd, and you can believe it because they can't put faith in anything-food, prices, friendship, or promises. They open up their black eyes wide, just like my little sister Xiaoqing. To quote that poem that was popular for many years, I…don't…believe…it.
However when it concerns things they should never believe, they faithfully run to them like moths to candles. My fatuous lady, Si Jia, is a good example. What permits the two of them the facade of sweet affection, before they've even met in person once?…I love you. I love you too-let's meet. Let me see you, and we'll have a big, tight hug. This is how they expressed themselves to each other in cries on the Internet.
How fast the storm moves in! I'm watching, dazed, yet I'm very upset. Could it be that Si Jia's extended loneliness made her lose her common sense? My good woman, why would you trust any unknown male or female, geriatric or juvenile, feline or canine Internet friend? I guess you even think it's your definitive road to happiness…