This Love Could Not Be Delivered

by Lu Min

  Generally speaking, he'd told the whole past story he'd kept from her for more than ten years, and it should have been the release of a great burden, making him feel relaxed then-but no, it still wasn't right. He was still afraid in his mind, even to the point of feeling despondent and weighted down. Imagine what it would be like to hear Xiaoqing's "cool" assessment and her fatuous day dreaming about Si Jia.

  Lan Ying sat silently to the side, as if she'd already seen straight through all the mystery…Not talking about the past with Danqing was a mistake; and talking about it now is still a mistake.

  Like a chilly, brisk wind scuttling up from the soles of his feet, Lu Zhongsheng began to have a premonition, a very bad premonition.

  [3]

  It was a young, university colleague that told Lu Zhongsheng. Professor Lu, I saw Xiaoqing on TV last night. I'd have never guessed she was so good at street dancing.

  The tone of his voice brimmed with joyful envy and praise, but Lu Zhongsheng showed a fit of embarrassment on his face when he heard it, keeping his head down while his heart went cold. Was Xiaoqing truly not the slightest bit concerned about him or Lan Ying? Was she only concerned with her own happiness?

  He'd decided that no matter what, for this period, he'd reduce his walks around campus or going to the post office to a minimum. He wasn't willing to see the congratulatory, surprised expressions on peoples' faces. Why couldn't he have a calm life free of any news?

  Lu Zhongsheng hurried home for the mid-day rerun. He pulled Lan Ying over, without a word, to sit down and watch. It was already the second round after "pre-selection". The screen was filled with every sort of high school girl singing and dancing in front of the camera, plus judges nit-picking and gnat straining on the side as announcers spiced up the show with humor. The way Lu Zhongsheng saw it, there wasn't the slightest bit of intelligence in it, and it was 100%low-brow entertainment. Neither of them knew what Xiaoqing's ranking was. She could not only sing, but also show off some prepared street dancing moves. The effect was quite good, and she got the so-called "direct entry to the final 80" medal. She made a V-sign with her hand at the camera. That was exactly the gesture that Lu Zhongsheng hated. Why do all the men, women, young and old, the second they get in front of a camera or video camera, have to stick up a V-sign? Victory? What victory are they celebrating? 39

  Lan Ying remarked something wrong about Lu Zhongsheng's facial expression, and her tone of voice was also reduced to a stammer. Obviously, the residency booklet is still here. I wrapped it up in kraft paper and put it in the freezer, hidden under the flash-frozen mochi balls…

  Lu Zhongsheng gesticulated drowsily, utterly exhausted. Even if you could hide it with Danqing it wouldn't matter. It's not a question of the residency booklet, but that she never had the slightest inclination to get our consent. We've been loving this child by mistake.

  Lan Ying remained silent, and because of her heart disease, she'd apparently practiced keeping calm. Don't get angry. I won't get angry-not even a little bit. She prattled her health maintenance mantra, hanging her head low.

  Lu Zhongsheng was avoiding looking too angry like a stubborn man would be. After all, it's not murder or arson. What's done is done; it's not like we can pull her off the TV now. On certain issues, you have to admit defeat. He admitted he didn't have the energy to struggle with Xiaoqing. His two kids had completely dishonored and embarrassed him, but this time he was somehow yet more dejected. Danqing, when all is said and done, didn't do what he did with even a smidgen of intent, and thus Lu Zhongsheng had sustained an injury that was worse than the insult. This time, Xiaoqing did what she did with obvious intent, and even though it was something commonly thought of as good, it had seriously disillusioned Lu Zhongsheng. He'd always loved Xiaoqing so much, and wouldn't so much as lay a finger on her. But this child's one, little act was a blow that sent him rolling on the floor…Although it's true it hurt him, he knew he had to hold off yelling at or even showing a look of disappointment at Xiaoqing…Aye, this was his own daughter! All he could do then was hope and pray to himself that Xiaoqing would be eliminated in the next round. He wished she'd stop embarrassing him soon…

  However fate was again a hindrance to Lu Zhongsheng. Xiaoqing walked along her chosen path amazingly without the slightest hitch, moving from the final eighty to the final forty, from the final forty to the final twenty, and from the final twenty to the final ten. She'd somehow qualified for the final ten in the Nanjing contest district. She was going to the TV station twice a week in the beginning, and each time she went the cost of things like her makeup, meals and transportation were two or three hundred yuan. But it got better-she was going four days a week, and the costs climbed even higher. Xiaoqing was proud of herself, coming home in a hurry after every trip, using their apartment as a restaurant or gas station, smug, and looking completely convinced of her future success. Concerning the money, she surmised it was a "loan" from Lu Zhongsheng. She brushed it off, saying, Isn't it just an initial investment?

  Moreover, just as she wished, she "got famous" within a tiny geographic range. Lu Zhongsheng occasionally had to go to the university to take care of some business, and no matter where he went, as long as there was a familiar face, someone would ask about Xiaoqing and the competition as if it were some huge, important deal. Furthermore, he could sense that everyone was truly and sincerely happy for him, as if his ancestor rose up as a guardian angel from his grave, and the whole family which was despondent for who knows how many years had, starting from Xiaoqing's forward step and from that day onward, set out for Sunshine Boulevard.

  The most ridiculous reaction came from the stoker, the same one who consoled him after the Danqing affair. Just as Lu Zhongsheng, he'd retired long ago, and once when he haphazardly ran into Lu Zhongsheng, he surprisingly grabbed the latter's arm. This time he wasn't whispering, but talking in a loud voice, as if the bitter days were over and sweet times had arrived for Lu Zhongsheng-or that everything had achieved some great catharsis. Well look at that! Heaven has eyes for you. Your daughter was born to work for your success. She's so young-and so talented! Professor Lu, don't worry. I'll have my niece vote for her in the next round.

  Heavens! They call this talent? What kind of values do society people have these days? Everyone's gone blind. The standards have sunk that low. Lu Zhongsheng was too angry to watch "Super Dance Stage" live, staying at home, unable to think up a plan. If this keeps going, it'll truly ruin Xiaoqing's life. She'll get the idea that this is true success and that it's a perfect life. It's utterly tragic.

  Lan Ying was, however, following the live broadcasts every week. On the one hand she had a soft spot and was worried; on the other hand it appealed somewhat to her vanity. Whenever she went to the teacher's cafeteria to get a meal, even the head cook would serve her an extra dish, moreover adding, This one's for Xiaoqing. We hope one day she'll sign her autograph for our daughter.

  Lan Ying not only watched the programs, but she even surreptitiously recorded them. One day after Lu Zhongsheng got up after his mid-day nap, Lan Ying grabbed his arm and pulled him all the way in front of the TV and played a recording. She believed that Lu Zhongsheng would never want to pass this part up.

  "Contestants' Heartfelt Words" was on, cutting first to a close-up look at contestants' lives. The image of Xiaoqing filled the screen. She was sitting in front of the computer updating her blog, answering messages, her index fingers practically flying…Then Xiaoqing turned to the camera with her nose and eyes bright red to reveal her true feelings. First she talked about her blog and how she'd recorded her exceptional family story in it, which grabbed many fans' attention and earned their admiration…At the same time, Xiaoqing asked on camera for her father's forgiveness, saying that she only participated in the competition to add a little something fresh and wonderful for her parents in their old age. They've lived their life in too much misery, and they were alienated from all of society. Furthermore, I want to dedicate this next song to my big brother Danqing wh
o passed away many years ago. I know that he's in heaven looking down at me, wishing me luck and rooting for me…Thus the scene ended, and several so-called "fensi" 40 in front of the stage were waving colored, lighted sticks and rooting for Xiaoqing. The camera panned over some audience members where they were shedding real live tears of emotion…The host very aptly made the pose of hugging and consoling Xiaoqing live on camera, and then everyone there joined together in a warm, fuzzy atmosphere, longly expressing their tear-soaked tenderness.

  Lan Ying was crying, too, feeling deeply consoled. Her heart could barely stand it all, and she covered it with her hand, joyfully choking up. Now you see why I dragged you in here to watch. We were wrong to blame her. She was thinking about us from the beginning. She was doing it all for us, and she participated in the competition just for Danqing…She pulled out a tissue for Lu Zhongsheng, thinking the latter would have surely needed to wipe his eyeglasses.

  Lu Zhongsheng perfunctorily extended his hand to receive the tissue, patting his wife on the back, which he apparently did to share in her misery and joy. In reality, he maintained a very rational stance without shedding a molecule of a tear. He was gazing at the screen and nervously wrestling with himself as he analyzed the situation. Why would Xiaoqing want to write about their family matters in her blog and tell the general public about them? Could those moving, tearful words she said on TV be just tools to incite emotion and get more votes? Lu Zhongsheng got a shiver from his head down to his feet.

  Furthermore, this jealous suspicion and deduction in and of themselves particularly saddened and hurt Lu Zhongsheng, as if someone was pounding his heart with a club. It was none other than his flesh-and-blood daughter-so where did he get this venomous idea?…But he had no choice. He was pulled along as if by a leash, somehow always thinking of things in the worst way. Xiaoqing is a traitor, a sell-out. It's shameless! She's revealed the tragic secrets that the whole family toiled to bury deep and away. She's exposed the dangerously frail family love that was already constructed upon ruins, and she's done it in an extremely fickle manner, even happily going around telling everyone. It's all just to win a bit of cheap sympathy, a basin full of entertainment industry-style tears, and some market-priced cell phone messaging votes.

  There was a "crush" sound like the inside glass of a thermos bottle breaking up. Truly, something deep in his mind was crushed and the experience caused him extreme pain. For so many years and so many issues, no matter how bitterly hurt and desperate he was, if only he could keep that shred of honor and dignity in one piece, Lu Zhongsheng could have still hung in there; he could have been walking out his door the same as everyone else-a good mood would have been a good mood, drizzly rain would have been drizzly rain, and in general, he could have gotten by. But Xiaoqing in just that one fleeting moment took that one, thin layer inside him and crushed it to pieces. The family secrets he'd kept under wraps for many years were like the contents of a big bag being turned inside out, poured and shaken out, piling up and up, without a shred being left inside.

  [4]

  Like I said, dad, there's still more that you and Lan Ying don't know. You'll never know it, which is fine. Otherwise, you'd go crazy. Fortunately you won't see Xiaoqing's blog with your own eyes and discover what tone of voice and technique she uses to write about our family affairs. They're the primary special features that blogs have to offer. They're witty and vivacious one minute, serious and moving the next, magical fantasizing another minute, and fictitiously romantic the next. Compared to our family correspondence (like this), they create what is verily and truly a whole other atmosphere.

  Particularly concerning my affair, her style of writing is exceedingly clever, leaving off what she still wants to write, leaving a mystery for the reader to solve and evading any mention of my crime entirely. It leaves only such keywords as Christmas night, the candle-lit dance, and the high school girl as if I were a tragic cavalier. Naturally she's written about our home's long-lasting, depressing ethos, and the misery of old parents who lost their son, and Xiaoqing's birth was like a pill that cured your disease, bathed in angelic rays of light…

  She writes to her heart's delight, and we can only stand by and watch-because this is her territory, her freedom of speech, her family correspondence, her interpretation (and her over interpretation) .

  Dad, you could probably never imagine what the "family correspondence" posted in her blog is like, nor how such a convoluted world could be so attractive and such stuff of legends to children of the 90's. Xiaoqing's fans recommend her blog to each other. How did she get so many votes, and why do the show's hosts enjoy giving her license to create her scene's atmosphere?…Aye, my little sister-she's quite clever, and she understands all too well what's wanted for television, what captivates fans, and what a so-called opportunity is. She's decided to take a top position in the new age.

  I know, dad, that you'd surely deduce in great sadness that Xiaoqing is using you two, using me, and profiting from our family's unique experience. She's painting our gravest family wound as a bright, red flower…No, dad, don't think of it this way. It wouldn't be fair to Xiaoqing. You can't impute suspicious motives to everything she does just because she told you some heartfelt words about "egocentrism" and "resource profiteering"…

  Dad, please take my advice. We need to think of her in a positive light-she is, after all, our most intimate family member. She's the hope born of your blood and tears, and our closest, real little sister. If you think of her positively, you'll see that she's good, but with your sour mood, you'll always think she's a bad kid. Think back to years passed, how complicated life started so early, and for her entire childhood what torment her little heart suffered. Perhaps she's now forgotten her early childhood filled with suffering, and she's already on a light expedition-but who would know? Dad, every time I think of what I witnessed with my own eyes then-how she was unable to dispel her suffering, her tiny body face looking down, thin and weak in her bed-what a desolate and miserable scene it was! Even if she acted more grown up, do you think she'd be happy? No, she wouldn't. You and Lan Ying should know that sometimes there are classmates of hers who go on vacations with their family, or whose family has a car or a two-story apartment…When compared to those parents in their prime, you and Lan Ying, 70 or 80 year-old family members, make a huge contrast. They're in their prime, at the peak of their earning power and savings potential, and their social relations and personal resources are abundant and beautifully useful as sea moss-and these are vital means which are ready at their disposal. Whereas you and Lan Ying, already retired for many years, are reaching the end of your lives. Like the last sputters of black smoke from a chimney or a dried-up wellspring, there is indeed nothing to admire about any aspect of your family life, and it compares even worse to the Jones'. You should admit, dad, that being born in a family like this and having parents over fifty doomed my little sister Xiaoqing to a handicapped and lackluster childhood. Thus, no matter how willful and materialistic she may be, she's innocent. We should open our arms to her unconditionally and forgive her. We should love her and protect her.

  Moreover, what Xiaoqing isn't doing this out of spite. It's just a phase at most. It's probably tread into your forbidden zone, but she's genuinely unaware. Concerning family tragedy, she and you have a totally different standard of measurement. The difference in your values is like the difference between a pair of scissors and a bowl of water-they're completely incomparable. She likes killing two birds with one stone and making the most from whatever her resources may be. What she said on TV was probably from the heart. If her words were also convenient for some other purpose, why not announce it to the whole world? Surely this includes her "ceremonious presentation" of me on her blog, which is exactly what she's presenting as intriguing and prideworthy. Why isn't she allowed to change tactics, make up some minor details and make it a bit more presentable?…It's all just that simple to her…

  However, don't worry. She won't get too far in this competition-she
won't make it out of her district. After all, street dancing and legendary life story aside, she doesn't have a good enough voice. Moreover her interest in it will only last for the summer. Did you really think the competition was the most important thing in the world to her, and that she'd give up on her own personal success if she lost? She won't-just watch. See when she loses in the next round and comes home to sleep what she really thinks about it. She'll be very happy and very at ease, as usual.

  That's what I like about her, and it'll be the foundational capital of her brilliant future. She can acclimate to this profit-motivated, make-merry-while-you can era of eroding morals and material riches. I think your coworkers are absolutely right-our family, probably starting solely from Xiaoqing, really have a vibration that resonates with the times.

  Bring on Another Storm!

  [1]

  When summer break was almost over and her business with the competition had finished, Xiaoqing announced that the curtains closed on her vivacious dream of becoming a star. It was like high tide, so aggressive when it swelled up but so compromising when it receded. That pool of her psyche had already entered into ordinary life, and had even started a new tide. The crushed zone of Lu Zhongsheng's mind had somehow gotten infected, and the infection grew and turned into a cyst that grew bigger by the day like a tumor in his body-no matter how he tried to prevent its expansion, it still bigger. Lu Zhongsheng wanted to love and be close to Xiaoqing, a fragile pearl in his hand, but deep down a metastasizing tumor wouldn't allow him. It was unavoidable. All he had to do was think about how she'd hung the family's dirty laundry out in public and he would be terribly upset. The way Xiaoqing handled herself and how she didn't understand what's serious and what isn't truly made him pessimistic about the future…