This Love Could Not Be Delivered
Page 30
Just when he thought the "wickedness" of fate had already reached its nadir, who'd have guessed that it was only scouting out the battlefield-to quote a common phrase from ancient scholars, a new wave of assaults came before the last one could settle down. There were more pressing, grim facts about Xiaoqing.
This time it was about dating-male-female intercourse, to be precise. It wasn't to get a hold on scary news that Lu Zhongsheng discovered an opened condom package in Xiaoqing's room (thank goodness it was unused!) . Wasn't that about male-female intercourse?
In fact the situation stemmed from the TV competition. Although Xiaoqing couldn't get into the final three for the Nanjing district finals this time, she had, no matter what, gained a modicum of fame on the local level and was even becoming heavily pursued as girlfriend. Fans of all ages were zealous beyond belief, and some were even middle-aged women or old ladies. Lu Zhongsheng was so upset he was nauseous. Where did the food they ate for all these decades go? How could they get a crush on Xiaoqing only after seeing her on the TV just a few times and without knowing her in the slightest? Aside from fans, there was another small bunch of so-called admirers of the opposite sex. It was precisely this group that deeply vexed Lu Zhongsheng and Lan Ying and put them on high alert.
Even Xiaoqing was a bit sick of her fans. It was already over, so there was nothing to be a fan of, but something was a lot different when it came to the opposite sex. Whenever there were boys asking her out, she'd always invent a way to break off of the route between school and home. She figured it was always better than going home where there were two people putting off old, weak vibrations and moving around sluggishly. She particularly wanted to avoid Lu Zhongsheng's grim and tragic facial expression. She'd tell her father that she was going to a classmate's apartment to do homework together, helping a classmate make a poster for a small-scale play, staying at school because the teacher wants them to decorate the classroom, the PE department visiting the school for inspections…In such a colorful variety of claims, Lu Zhongsheng had no way to distinguish reality from illusion.
However being Xiaoqing's father for so many years, Lu Zhongsheng was mentally prepared for these antics long ago. Xiaoqing's age and personality were right there to see. One little rooster after the other was calling their home phone, and as a father he would under no circumstances go into battle unprepared. He'd talked to Xiaoqing on several occasions about dating. Surely his conversation ability and rhetoric weren't brilliant, being soporific and riddled with bromides. But once Xiaoqing actually made quite a fresh and open remark. Dating early? 41 I wouldn't be so stupid to do that or believe in some silly concept of true love. Don't worry-be 120%certain everything is fine.
Seeing how happily she said this, Lu Zhongsheng started taking the opposite to be true. He suspected Xiaoqing had no idea what the problem entailed or what its danger was. Girls suffer the biggest losses in the easiest way in this field. If she's not careful, she'll lose her…But Lu Zhongsheng wasn't so willing to talk about it. After all, he had a son who got in trouble before, who'd apparently coerced another family's daughter-how could he have the gall to be so frank to Xiaoqing?…
Could I avoid talking to her about it? No, look at Xiaoqing. She's obviously a grown-up woman now.
His own daughter was always the same-from eleven or twelve years old, to fourteen or fifteen years old, she always gave him the same vibe, that she was the epitome of a spring chicken. However, when she actually turned sixteen, it was miraculous. Suddenly when he looked at her it was like everything was turned on its head. She was truly different-especially after participating in that "TV show"…She was made up, packaged for sale, and ogled by the audience, and her whole person had suddenly burst out of an isolated, vague, and ignorant state. Her arms and legs were no longer immaturely thin, and her countenance was easily better-formed and more expressive than before. Isn't that true? This Xiaoqing of ours has already grown up to be a curvaceous, attractive young woman…Like being pierced by a sudden flash of light, Lu Zhongsheng, caught off guard, looked on with squinted eyes, surprised and frightened as if it were his first time discovering this surreptitiously attacking fact.
In this way Lu Zhongsheng's worries about his daughter's adolescent sexual education grew by the day. He'd never experienced such an urgent and worrying experience since Danqing's affair. When all was said and done, Danqing never had a minute sex education during his adolescence, nor was it because Lu Zhongsheng was affecting decency or intentionally neglecting him. For one thing, that's just the way public morals were then, and no one would ever mention sex so casually-anything related to sex was considered sleazy and annoying. Another factor was the confidence he had that Danqing, being a boy, would never have been too far down on his luck, even in the worst of circumstances…But Xiaoqing was different. Going from having a son to a daughter, having the tables turned and being on the victim's side for once, Lu Zhongsheng had a sudden realization. It's no good this way! Sex education is an absolute necessity-coldly and unreservedly, it's a must.
Furthermore, consider the times they were living in, when people had to have "sex" to be happy, and everyone was talking about "sex" and greatly interested in sex. It was a truly frightening dyeing vat, a huge trap, of vast proportions. Aside from the throngs of youth with rude sexual appetites, there was wave upon wave of lusty workers coming in from out of town, fat cats always keen on finding young ladies, middle-agers with a penchant to cheat on their spouses, and artists who were highly attractive to female students. Moreover, the conditions were so convenient-hotel rooms by the hour, all-night bars, private rooms in Internet bars (which could become crime scenes at any time and any place, and situations which could extinguish all young women like Xiaoqing in one fell swoop) …
However, it wasn't only due to this impure and mighty social trend that he thought this way. There was still Si Jia-a living, breathing example.
…It was surely an ugly and upsetting way of thinking about things, but that's the way they were. After he'd first found Si Jia, and also through his years of following and observing her, he could see with his very own eyes a series of "side-effects" she'd experienced-divorce, reclusion, being a loner and antisocial…all the way to her current homosexuality. It drove him to conclude not only that "Danqing was guilty" but that Xiaoqing was in danger. …If by any chance Xiaoqing were toyed with by a hooligan, wouldn't she become another Si Jia? Wouldn't it be a thoroughly destructive upheaval for and attack against Lu Zhongsheng and Lan Ying? He couldn't let it happen-under no circumstances would it happen. To say the unconscionable, perhaps any other family could put up with changes like that, but they couldn't. This shabby, patched-together raft that was their family couldn't weather storms related to "sex".
Lu Zhongsheng could thus rightfully put the topic on the discussion table, and after initiating a father-daughter talk about early dating, he decided that Lan Ying would chime in and clear up the whys, wherefores, of "sex". She could also explain its dangers, insidious effects and nascent complexities.
As dark clouds hovered over the city, Lan Ying had no choice but to gulp down a few pills this time. Even though she had no grasp of the situation and was unwilling, as the situation demanded her participation, it was still better to buckle down and get ready. She started off making innumerable rough drafts, each one with carefully-considered word choices. She had to be careful not to offend or provoke lusty thoughts. She had to be both tactful and to the point, which was virtually like defending a dissertation. The situation probably wouldn't have even raised an eyebrow from outsiders, but without being a parent (much less a parent of Danqing and Xiaoqing), it would have been sheerly impossible to understand their fear and anxiety.
To get the first sentence out, Lan Ying bashfully beat around the bush for hours. It was easy for Xiaoqing to catch the clues, and with a snap of her fingers and a hearty laugh, she was actually the one pulling up a stool (this time for her dear, old lady to sit on) . Aye, it looks to me like Danqing really scared yo
u and the old man out of your wits! Who am I? What era are we living in? I understood this tidbit you were talking about years ago. You're still talking about keeping my hymen-how wouldn't I know about it? The worst case scenario-if I ran into some bad guy-I'd put my priorities on survival, let things take their course, and get my hymen artificially restored later. Aye, mom. I was only kidding. Don't get excited-your heart can't handle it. Don't worry. Even if something were really to happen, I could handle it all by myself. The secret would be safe with me. How could I let anything surprise or scare you guys?
Thus a carefully-prepared discussion was dismantled in two or three sentences from Xiaoqing. Lan Ying covered her heart with her hand while recounting what Xiaoqing said to Lu Zhongsheng. He took it all in, processed it in every direction in his brain, and meticulously analyzed it, making deductions like cracking an age-old science-fiction code…
After thinking about it for half the afternoon, Lu Zhongsheng suddenly thought he'd understood it all. He remembered Xiaoqing's previously-expounded "egocentric" theory. Aye, it was possible that he and Lan Ying were getting themselves worked up in vain. Xiaoqing would never intentionally let herself suffer. Wasn't her whole idea to be "egocentric"?…Would she give up her virginity that easy? Her virginity was her most fundamentally important resource and source of wealth…
But he still couldn't let up on his caution. Indeed, though the fatigued, old couple had blurry vision, they were determined to plow forward. It was just like keeping the truth from Xiaoqing and fending off anyone who knew about Danqing ten years ago, surrounding Xiaoqing like cans in a box…It was their second defensive battle, defending young women and defending virginity…
The couple had again entered into highly-strategic battle mode, keeping careful tabs on Xiaoqing leaving or returning home, where she went for weekend vacations, and who she chose as friends; all telephone calls and contact with friends was strictly monitored-and what a farce it was!…Naturally there were debates and counter-arguments, intelligence battles and counterintelligence battles. In a word, though there wasn't a bloody, messy aftermath of war in the home, it was a tense atmosphere, and you could cut the air with a knife.
[2]
Very well, then. They thought they'd covered every angle and could rest on their laurels. But to their surprise, they suddenly made that earth-shaking discovery-an opened condom package.
It was shameful to mention it, the opened package. They found it in the wastebasket in Xiaoqing's room. He emptied the wastebasket for Xiaoqing every day, watching for any useful clues-this was Lu Zhongsheng's idea. It wasn't an original idea. He learned it from the experience of Hong Kong paparazzi which he occasionally read about in the entertainment section of the newspaper. As for using it on Xiaoqing, sure, it's uncouth, but it was a tad more intelligent than sneaking reads of her diary or scanning call records on her cell phone. Furthermore, looking through the garbage did indeed yield results for Lu Zhongsheng. He once found a ripped up letter describing a date, a breast augmentation flier, an instruction booklet for hair removal gel, café coupons, a downloaded and printed amazing zit cure brochure, etc.-so one could say he knew a bit about Xiaoqing's recent trends.
Well that's random. We've been on high alert, so how did the dam start cracking and leaking? Lu Zhongsheng sat on his heels by the edge of the wastebasket, and he couldn't bring himself to stand up for hours. He grasped the thing tightly in his hand, and he was looking at it though he couldn't stand to look at it, looking at it over and over-and that's what it was-an opened package with an unused condom in it-a studded one, no less. The box was still there-it was evidently a complimentary item, and on the top it was shamelessly written in color letters, "Bigger studs, double the stimulation".
Lan Ying helped Lu Zhongsheng up. The two old timers' faces and ears were flushed red, and they dared not gloss over what they saw. For one they were just sitting on their heels, and two, the thing made them blush, and three, it was worrying. What could they do about it? If they confronted her about it, it would expose their "waste basket method". It would end up making a big deal out of nothing and eventually give Xiaoqing something to manipulate them with. If they didn't talk about it, wouldn't that be condoning it and waiting for something more serious to happen?
Maybe the big event had already occurred.
Lu Zhongsheng's anxiety rose up like flames, and the long scream he'd been bottling up in his throat came out, shedding tears in all directions. Lan Ying was at his side wanting to assuage him, but instead she, too, couldn't hold it in. Her blushed cheeks suddenly turned white-puffy white, like having been brushed with flour. She suffocated for a while, as if all her bodily orifices were stopped with cotton balls. She covered her chest with her hand, falling uncontrollably and softly on the ground-falling next to the edge of Xiaoqing's wastebasket…
[3]
Poor dad and mom! Don't be that way…don't be that way. I can't help you up, nor can I shed tears with you. I knew long ago that you were too old for Xiaoqing. You're straining your minds to think up what you imagine to be good ideas, but in actuality you're a praying mantis trying to stop a car, or an ant trying to shake a tree. What you've seen from the wastebasket is only the tip of the iceberg. The Internet with which Xiaoqing skillfully plays…what do you know about it? Ever heard of nude chat, crotch shots, and bedroom scenes on webcam? Do you know about group sex and S&M special editions? Do you guys know about recommended pornographic downloads and online viewing? Do you know about the countless erotic blogs and picture collections? Aye, there's a lot of this kind of thing. Even I get an unsettling feeling all over when I see it, but for a junior high or senior high student as big as Xiaoqing, it's quite commonplace and nobody bats an eyelash at it. You know that such phenomena would be begrudgingly allowed by even the most potent army? There's no way you could ever keep it at bay and shelter her from it.
Dad, you know the old saying, it takes a smart, competent man to recognize recent trends. I'm not saying you should be so smart or competent. I just need you to stop being conservative. You need to change the chair you're sitting in. Decades have passed, and I can see a great disparity and dissimilarity between my generation and Xiaoqing's on the question of sex. It's as if Mount Everest or the Amazon River were between us. Nowadays, newsworthy topics, general knowledge, intelligent ideas, tricks and fetishes about sex have all been widely disseminated and seen. The concept of a "minor" has already completely disappeared. Every day when one opens his eyes and looks all around, from television commercials to the Internet, where isn't there some vibrant and brisk sex edutainment? These sixteen and seventeen year-old kids not only go through early puberty, but early maturation, early sex education…why would she ever need your help on sex education?
In this milieu, continuing to talk about purity and virginity, continuing to recommend protecting virginity, is extremely eccentric talk which perhaps only has some aesthetic meaning or consolation…If Xiaoqing doesn't do it today or tomorrow, she'll surely do it the day after tomorrow. It's something beyond your control, and a fact you'll have to accept.
Furthermore, there's a problem of ideology. Why say that sex for her is surely a misfortune? Is sex something that is determined to have someone who loses out? If someone loses out, why couldn't it be the man? Dad, you should understand…These days, even if one looks at it from a feminist point of view, sex is already a kind of readily-available consumer item. It's a physical and existential need, like a child being able to eat after growing in teeth, tasting pleasant aromas and sweetness. It's a kind of enjoyment, and there's absolutely nothing harmful or besmirching about it…On the day she wants to start, that's the way it'll start. What you're trying to protect is what she's trying to break through, and in a competition between your two strengths, you'll no doubt end up the loser.
After giving you this much advice, you should feel some consolation and satisfaction when we return to the topic of Xiaoqing's condom. Look at that. Xiaoqing already knows how to unabashedly accept a comp
limentary, adult item and knows how to open it to see how it's used. She's taken such a wonderfully preventative measure which is very worthy of encouragement and praise. How could that be something bad? Surely it's a very good thing…
[4]
Downstairs in the hospital, Lu Zhongsheng had no idea what to do, and was unable to take measures to help. He could only stand there catatonically, brainlessly waiting for Xiaoqing to hurry over from school. Only then did he discover how incompetent he was. Usually it was Lan Ying who took care of the home, and he couldn't even find Lan Ying's clean clothes, not to mention her hospital records booklet and the password to her bank card. No matter what they asked or what they wanted from him in the hospital, his brain drew a complete blank. Neither could he tell if he'd completely lost his memory, or if he'd fundamentally lost his ability to take care of himself.
Lan Ying was practically out of critical condition, but just as the doctor said, in reality, her life was to be riding on a thin, suspended tightrope from then on. Her life was as insignificant as that of a mayfly. Think of her whole life-how many days did she ever have a genuine, happy smile? Maybe not long from then, she would leave and never return from her quagmire of mental baggage and fake smiles.
This gave Lu Zhongsheng a powerful illusion that he was going to die soon. Death, so familiar and tender-loving, was palpably within reach-almost tightly neighboring him, as it if were right on the edge of his nostrils. Lu Zhongsheng held in his breath, making careful movements with his hands and feet, not daring to make any hasty moves…He was afraid of attracting the grim reaper. One could even say that he didn't dare look at Lan Ying as she lay there under her breathing mask. He was actually like a heartless chicken-wit, surreptitiously tiptoeing out of her hospital room, getting an idea, and choosing escape and apathy…His complexion was normal, as if he'd forgotten everything and looked at everything with cold eyes. He stood blankly in the hospital corridor, looking like nothing was his business, focusing all his energies on waiting for Xiaoqing.