I miss the guy who would take it easy on me when the others would get on my case about a skirt they thought was a little too short. The guy who slipped me and Cameron a couple beers in secret, when Mason said we weren’t allowed to get drunk.
The guy who stayed out in the water with me long after the others complained of the cold because he knew I hated when it was time to leave the ocean.
But it wasn’t only about him.
I missed our group nights, where no one else was invited, just the five of us.
Me, Cameron, Mason, Brady, and Chase.
Ever since junior high, the only time we were apart was a few weeks each summer when the boys went off to football camp, but even then, we would video chat at least once a day.
Of course Cam and I would have a blast without our bodyguards, but we quickly missed the other pieces to our puzzle. Even when we were having the time of our lives in St. Petersburg this past summer, where Cam met Trey, we missed our boys.
After the blowout with Chase at the beginning of the school year, things changed, and it wasn’t fair to the others, especially since they are pretty much clueless to why the air in the room was different.
It’s time to make it right for all of us, for real this time. I know that, but even so, I can’t express how guilty I feel for missing Chase.
How could I miss the man I was so angry with that I so callously hurt mine?
I ache for Noah, deeply, desperately.
The loss eating me away day by day is like nothing I’ve ever felt. So many times, I wanted to say to hell with it and run all the way to his house, but I held myself back. Barely.
I did head there once, when I was feeling extra alone, but as soon as his truck came into view, tears fell, and I turned around.
What kills me most is how I know he’s living right now. Alone and in silence.
He doesn’t party much, if at all, and he doesn’t run in a large crowd. All the free time he had he spent with me, and I know he hasn’t filled those slots with anything else.
I know he’s as lonely as I am, more so even.
What’s worse is what must be running through his mind, doubt I planted.
It’s my job to take it away.
It’s with that thought in mind that I don’t turn around and walk in the opposite direction.
I walk over to Chase.
Dressed in a hoodie and sweats with his football bag dropped in front of him, his head hangs. His leg is bouncing like he’s nervous, and he stares at his palms as he rubs them together.
“Hey,” I call once I’m a few steps away.
His head pops up, unease written all over him. “Hey.”
Chase jumps up, his mouth opening but nothing comes out, so I offer a small smile and that seems to ease him some.
“You got a sec?” he wonders.
Nerves swirl in my stomach, but I motion toward the table anyway.
He reaches for me, and I let him pull me onto the seat of the picnic table.
My eyes fall to our joined hands, and slowly, I pull away, looking up at him.
He nods, swallowing.
“I miss you, Ari. I miss everything.” Apprehension pulls at his features. “I’m so fucking sorry, for everything I did, and for everything I should have done, but didn’t.”
“I know, and I’m sorry I acted the way I did after. I shouldn’t have gotten upset with you when we didn’t go anywhere after that night. I knew what I was doing, and I didn’t care then what happened after. That was on me.”
“Don’t,” he says sternly, shifting to face me better. “Don’t do that. I was, no, I am a stupid man. I should have… I shouldn’t have… fuck.” A frustrated sigh leaves him and he meets my eyes.
We stare at each other in silence for several seconds.
Pain and regret gazes back at me, confusion slowly following.
With a small smile, Chase reaches up, tucking my hair behind my ear. His touch lingers a moment, and when his thumb caresses my cheek the slightest bit, I can’t help but lean in.
He had so much of my past, and it’s not that it’s hard to let it go, I’d already done that once, it’s seeing the pain he’s in that stings. He’s never shown it before, not like this.
But the feeling of his skin on mine is all wrong, so I cover his hand with my own, and his eyes gloss over as I remove his from my face.
“I wish we could start over,” he says then.
A light laugh leaves me, and I shake my head. “I don’t. Yeah, things got shitty, but just because things went wrong doesn’t mean that night wasn’t special.”
“It was,” he whispers. “It was special.”
My lips twitch, and I lower my eyes to my lap. “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
“So have I,” he rushes, gripping my hands, and I look to him. “There’s a lot more I want to say, but I’m kind of out of time now. I’ve been out here for a couple hours already, hoping I would catch you a little earlier,” he admits sheepishly. “Think we can talk after practice tomorrow?”
My stomach turns, but I manage a smile, nodding. “Playoffs. That’s pretty epic.”
Chase chuckles, but his eyes fall to the grass. “Yeah. Pretty epic.”
After a moment, he sighs, pushing to his feet, and I stand with him.
Hesitantly, he steps in, his arms coming around me, and while I tense a second, I hug him back in the next.
There’s tension between us, it’s obvious, so in an attempt to lighten the mood, I joke, “I’m glad you stalked me before practice, or I’d be gagging right now.”
Chase chuckles, and I pull back, smiling up at him, but the moment my eyes meet his, my throat runs dry.
A familiar tingle runs down my spine, and I shiver, instantly going stiff.
His brows furrow in confusion, and slowly, I glance over my shoulder.
My stomach hits the ground, an instant wave of nausea rolling through me.
No…
Frozen in place with his keys dangling from his fingers, blue eyes sear me.
My hands fly to my sides, and he cuts a quick glance to Chase.
He nods, and I shake my head.
“Noah,” I breathe his name, desperation oozing from my tone. I step toward him.
He turns away.
“Noah, wait!” I rush forward, but he’s already slipping into his truck, and then he’s gone.
Tears flood my eyes, and I clutch my abdomen with one hand, trying to get a hold of myself.
“Ari— ” Chase begins from behind me.
“I need a minute,” I say, without turning around, following Noah’s truck from the parking lot.
“Arianna—”
“I said I need a minute. Please.” I swallow.
In my peripheral, he nods, grabs his bag, and walks away.
For several minutes, I choke for air, fight back tears, and scream internally.
And then I steal my spine, take a deep breath, and push forward.
I walk straight to the practice field, going the opposite direction Chase disappeared, and I hang back near the parking lot.
Noah’s truck isn’t in sight.
I go inside the stadium, searching the field as the team takes it.
Noah isn’t there.
I wait, and before I know it, the sun’s gone down and the coach is calling it quits.
Noah never shows.
Chapter 36
Arianna
* * *
Pushing past the entrance, I curve right, and pound on the small door for a solid five minutes before Brady appears beside me. Slowly, he reaches up, grabbing and lowering my hands to my sides.
“Ari Baby, I don’t think he’s in there,” he says softly, and I crumble.
He hugs me, attempting to keep me upright, and Cameron slides in front of me, worry carved across her features.
“It’s been two days.” Tears fall from my eyes, and I look away as a few football players walk by, staring. “He wasn’t at practice yesterday, and he isn’t here
today, so where is he?”
“Maybe he went out for food or something?” Brady’s tone is dejected, his attempt futile, and he knows it.
“Come on.” Cameron wraps her arm through mine. “We should go home. You need to—”
“Don’t say sleep, Cameron.” I rub my eyes.
“Honey, he’s not here and we don’t know if he has been in the last two days. What are you going to do, camp out in the entryway?”
“If I have to.”
“Ari, don’t do this to yourself.”
“You didn’t see his face.” I look to them. “He was… God, he was…” Devastated. “I can’t even imagine what he’s thinking.”
The front door opens, another group of guys arriving home, and I hold my breath, but it’s Chase who is the last to step through.
He looks from me to Noah’s door and back.
He walks over. “Ari.”
“Please just,” I rush out, my hands flying up as I slip past. “Not now.”
“Arianna!” Cameron shouts, chasing me out onto the porch, but I’m already down the driveway and stepping into the road.
Spinning in place, I scan the area, my hands folding over my head.
My eyes squeeze shut, and I clench my jaw, bending at the knees until I’m squatting in place.
“Fuck!” I finally scream, my body shaking.
Several heads turn my way, but I ignore them.
I jerk upright and start walking.
I walk every inch of campus, circling each building and covering all corners from the center to the outer edge. I don’t think I expected to find him, but once there’s nowhere left to go, I realize I must have hoped I would.
Defeat washes over me and I want to drop to the grass and curl into a ball, but my feet don’t stop moving.
I walk until the sun comes up, and then I go home. Locking myself in my room, I cry myself to sleep.
Later that day, when Cameron pounds on my door, I tell her to go away, and by the time I wake again, it’s after nine-thirty, tonight’s game likely almost over.
Showering last night’s sweat from my body, I quickly throw on some clothes and rush out the door, wet hair and all, but by the time the stadium is in sight, still a good hundred yards away, the campus is already flooded with fans on their way to finish off their Saturday night somewhere. Dropping onto the nearest bench, I go to the school website, where the score is already posted.
The Sharks lost the first round of playoffs, their season coming to end as of tonight.
That means tonight was Noah’s final game as a college quarterback, and I wasn’t there to see it.
A hopelessness aches inside me, and I close my eyes.
Noah hasn’t accepted any of my attempts to contact him, so it’s with a shaky soul and pure desperation that I pull up our message thread, sending him a text I’m hoping he can’t ignore.
I turn off my phone, sitting in the same spot until the parking lot is near empty, and then I head for the football house, praying when I get there, Noah will be waiting.
Unfortunately for me, he isn’t, but a keg full of cheap beer is.
So I fill a cup.
And then I fill another.
Fresh drink in hand, I spin, coming face to face with Chase.
I jerk to a stop, smiling, and he frowns.
“Hey.” He looks past me, toward the guy manning the drinks and then peeks into my cup.
My eyes follow, and I chuckle. “Yeah, he’s not the best pourer. It’s mostly foam, but it’s doing its job.” I push past him, moving through the back yard and step into the house.
He keeps pace with me, and I can feel his inquisition. “And what job is that?”
“Think about all the reasons people turn to alcohol, and check mark every single one.”
I glance his way, and his frown deepens.
“This might not be the best time, but we were supposed to talk, and we never got the chance.”
“Yeah, we never had the chance for a lot of things, did we?” I stop walking, bringing my cup to my lips. “We feel like a lifetime ago.”
“No, we don’t.”
I scoff, nodding my head. “Yeah, we do.”
Sighing, he reaches out, but I bend, evading him.
“Don’t touch me.” I laugh, finishing off my cup, and tip my head at him. “Last time you touched me, you ruined everything all over again, but I mean, hey, I ruined it first, so what’s it really matter.”
“Things don’t have to be this way, you know?”
“How else could it be, Chase?”
“Better.” He steps closer. “It could be better for us.”
“Please.” I roll my eyes. “Until Mason sees, right? Been there, thought that. Got fucked over.”
He jerks forward suddenly, and it takes a moment for my vision to adjust to his nearness.
Suddenly, he’s in my face. “Tell me I can kiss you and I will. Right here, right now, where everyone will see.” He grips my chin. “Tell me I can kiss you.”
“What the fuck?!” Mason’s voice booms from somewhere.
And just like that, the chatter around the room dies down, and my brother is gently nudging me aside, stepping between Chase and me.
Chase’s eyes widen for a split second, but then he stands up straight, facing off with his best friend.
“What’d you just say to my sister?” Mason pushes on Chase’s chest, shoving him back a few steps.
Brady rushes over, Cam beside him.
Chase shakes his head, lifting his hands. “I’m sorry, but… you’re going to have to get used to this.”
“What?!” Mason and I snap at the same time, both our heads jerking toward one another.
He frowns, confused, his glare quickly moving back to his friend.
Cam tries to step up. “Guys, maybe we should head outside?”
“Fuck that!” Mason throws his hands around. “What the fuck do mean I’m going to have to get used to it? Used to what? Are you fucking my sister?” Mason demands, before turning to me. “Are you fucking him?”
“Mason,” Brady clips. “Stop.”
“No, you know what, it’s fine, Brady. Let’s have a fucking therapy session right here in the middle of a party.” If my words are slurred, it’s unbeknownst to me. I pin my eyes on my brother. “No Mase. I’m not ‘fucking’ him.”
“You better fuckin’ not be!” he rears.
Ad you know what, fuck this shit.
“Oh?” I pull back, crossing my arms defiantly. “Why is that? Can’t stand the thought of your best friend on top of your ‘little’ sister?”
“Oh shit,” Brady murmurs from beside me.
Cameron tries to interject, but I push her away, and her mouth clamps shut.
“Watch your mouth, Arianna,” Mason says sternly.
“Well, guess what, asshole?” I hear Chase’s ‘no’ from beside me but fuck him too. “It already happened!” I watch my brother turn his murderous glare on Chase and start to rush forward before Brady steps in the middle of them, holding Mason back.
“Oh, but don’t worry, Mase, I was telling the truth. I’m not fucking him. Your friendship was more important than I was, just as you hoped, so congratulations, Mason.” I throw my arms out. “He’s all yours.”
I storm out the front door, ignoring the commotion that ensues with my exit.
“Ari, wait!” Chase yells, hot on my heels, but I don’t stop until he’s gripping my arm, whipping me around. “Ari, damn it, hold on!”
He jumps in front of me.
“What?! What do you want, Chase?” Emotionally drained, I drop my shoulders. “What do you want from me?”
“Everything!” he yells. “I want everything, Arianna.” I go to shout, but he holds his hands up. “Wait. Just, let me speak, okay?”
I stare at him for a few moments before nodding.
“Look, I know you said it was too late, but it doesn’t have to be. Ari, this summer…” He swallows. “I was an ass. Everything that hap
pened between us, it shouldn’t have gone down like that. I see that now. I need you to believe me when I tell you that it won’t happen again. I won’t push you away again and I won’t allow anything to get between us, if you just give us the chance we deserve.”
I’m shaking my head before he even finishes. “Chase, no. I’m not in the same place I was this summer.”
“I get that,” he says insistently, reaching out and snagging my hands. “Honest, I do. I just want you to know I’m ready. I’m here. I know you’re scared. I know I’m the one who gave you a reason to be but—”
“Chase—”
My head continues to shake.
He’s not getting it.
He doesn’t get it.
My fingertips rub at my temples. “Please, stop talking.”
I keep walking, but he slips into my space again.
“No. You need to hear me. You need to understand what I’m saying.” He gestures toward the door. “I pretty much told my best friend to fuck off just now because I need you to know how serious I am. Just give me a chance to show you I can love you like you deserve, because Arianna, I do love—”
“I don’t love you anymore!” I scream, my muscles freezing.
Chase goes stiff, and over his shoulder, I spot my family, all rushing this way, all jolting to a stop at the same second. Slowly, they inch closer, each wearing their version of shock and confusion.
They heard what I said, maybe more.
Tears prick the backs of my eyes and my nose tingles.
Chase’s hands come up to run down his face, and his mouth forms a hard line.
I swallow past the knot in my throat. I never told Chase I was in love with him, this is the first he’s heard it. The first my brother’s heard.
The irony of this moment is lost on me, how my omission is also my rejection.
How the secret is out, but the need for it is over.
They shouldn’t have heard this before Noah.
No one should have.
Not until I’ve looked him in the eye and spoken it out loud.
Not until he knew, without a doubt, I was his.
I back away, but Chase grabs me.
“Don’t do this,” he pleads.
“Let me go.”
Say You Swear Page 33