This Wandering Heart

by Janine Rosche

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

  Keira’s stomach churned. She’d already tried to leave the Thai nightclub once but was informed that it wouldn’t be safe to head back to the hotel on her own. She’d asked the guys on the crew, one by one, if they’d walk her back. In response, each offered to buy her a drink to help her “loosen up and enjoy herself.” Isaac, who had been Mr. Dependable for the past three months, had already swallowed several shots. Evidently, he mistook her request to be an invitation to put his hand on her upper thigh.

  Between sips of bottled water, Keira tried to fold herself into the smallest sliver she could until the group was ready to leave. The music was so loud, it reverberated through the couch Keira sat on.

  “Let’s dance,” Isaac said, with a lopsided grin.

  “No, thank you. You should lay off the drinks, Isaac.”

  “I already closed out my tab.”

  “Good. Can we leave soon?”

  There was a twitch in his cheek. He looked over Keira’s shoulder and nodded.

  Markus was making some kind of hand gesture that Keira didn’t recognize. When he saw Keira had caught the motion, he burst into laughter.

  “What did that mean?” She focused on Isaac’s face.

  “You are innocent. Some of the crew think it’s an act.”

  She didn’t like the way he was looking at her.

  “I’ll be back in a few. I have to tell Markus something.” Isaac pushed himself off the couch. He walked without staggering. If he had, it might have explained the way he was acting.

  Whatever he said to Markus earned him a high five.

  This isn’t where you belong. The voice came from deep inside, loud enough to sound above the wretched music.

  She looked around for any kind of light to cut through the dark cloud hovering above her. Seeing none, she closed her eyes and imagined the sound of the Madison River, Anabelle’s Princess Patty Cake rambles, and even Robbie’s terrible rendition of “Into the Great Wide Open.” Montana had never felt so far away.

  What time was it? Kat checked her phone. With the time difference, Robbie would likely be starting his workday. Had he gone back to his odd jobs like before? Had Anabelle attended preschool yet? Probably. It was October 1, after all. Which meant the custody hearing was slated for seven days from today. Had it changed? Had Vivian relented, or pushed for an even more extreme parenting plan?

  “Ready to head back?” Isaac kneeled in front of her, his hand covering her kneecap.

  “Is the group—?”

  “No, they’re staying a bit longer. Let’s get you back to the hotel.”

  “Thank you, Isaac.”

  “My pleasure.”

  On the walk back, Isaac had been quiet. He still said nothing as they stood outside her door while she searched her purse for her key card. Finally, her fingertips closed around the card, and she held it up. “Found it.”

  Isaac’s gaze floated from the card to Keira’s eyes then her mouth. His hand slinked around her hip and pressed on her lower back, pulling her toward him.

  She stumbled, and he crushed her against his chest. Before she could speak, his mouth was on hers. She withdrew as much as his hold allowed.

  “Isaac, no.”

  “You should invite me inside.” He moved to kiss her again, but she turned her head.

  His beard felt scratchy against her neck, and it shook chills out of her.

  He chuckled, clearly getting the wrong idea even as she pushed against him with her palms.

  “I don’t want to. Let me go.”

  Frustration marred his normally kind eyes. As he stepped back, he combed his fingers through the hair at his crown. “I thought this was what you wanted.”

  Keira wrapped her arms around herself. “Well, I thought we were friends, Isaac.”

  “Am I a fool for wanting more? Is it because of Robbie?”

  Hiding the truth was exhausting. And what good had it done? “Yes, it’s because of Robbie. I’m not over him. Not sure I’ll ever be.”

  He dug his hands in his front pockets and rocked back on his heels. “I don’t get it. If you love him so much, why aren’t you with him?”

  Keira released a breath. One she seemed to have held since July. “I don’t know anymore.”

  * * *

  * * *

  Anabelle sat in the center of the group of children, her eyes glued to the librarian’s big picture book. She loved Thursday morning story time. If she didn’t, Robbie wouldn’t put himself through the torture of reliving his and Keira’s first kiss on repeat every week.

  Even now, as he looked to his left by the librarian’s desk, he could feel her hands on his chest, her lips on his. He needed out of here.

  “Hey, Sylvia,” he whispered. “I’m going out to use the computer for a few minutes. Can you keep an eye on Annie?”

  Robbie would never again trust a stranger to watch his daughter, but Sylvia had been his girlfriend in junior high, and she was a great mom to Olive. She was the one who invited them to the library in the first place, as they waited in the preschool pickup line.

  “You got it,” she said.

  Back in the main room of the library, he snagged a seat at one of the computers. He browsed one of the big news networks. Not that he followed national news, but he’d do anything to keep his mind off that kiss and each one after. The Dow had dropped four hundred points in a day. Some megachurch pastor from the Midwest got sentenced to jail for attacking one of his congregants. There was a terrorist attack in the Philippines. If his grandma were here, she would say that the world had taken a plunger to its ear and lost its mind.

  Robbie’s thoughts flickered to all the postcards they’d received from Keira the past three months. Steadily, the crew was moving eastward toward the Philippines. Without wasting another second, he went to Momentso’s site and logged into his reactivated account.

  Kat Wanderfull’s most recent posts were stamped yesterday in Nepal.

  But she had promised to delay the postings for safety. He’d have to either text or message her to make sure she was safe.

  As if she’d read his mind, the private message icon flashed.

  All the breath drained from his lungs. Three months without a word. Three months of merely checking in to see pictures of her in exotic locations or with the crew. Many with Isaac.

  But now she’d reached out to Robbie. He clicked the mouse. The message read:

  DizzyDinosaur has poked you. Wave or poke back.

  What on earth was a poke and why was some person named DizzyDinosaur doing it to him? Weird. He returned to Kat’s profile.

  The message icon lit up again.

  That’s it. DizzyDinosaur was asking for a strongly worded message. He clicked the envelope.

  KAT WANDERFULL: Hey.

  Robbie leaned so far forward in his chair that it nearly tipped.

  The green dot remained solid on her avatar pic. She was safe. And she was talking to him. Glory, she was talking to him.

  MRCUSTOM: Hey. I was worried about you. You aren’t in the Philippines, are you?

  KAT WANDERFULL: Phuket, Thailand.

  MRCUSTOM: Phew! Are you having a good time?

  There was a pause.

  KAT WANDERFULL: Any news on the hearing?

  MRCUSTOM: It’s still next Thursday.

  KAT WANDERFULL: I wish I could be there, but I won’t fly back into Idaho until Friday. Has there been any change in the case?

  MRCUSTOM: No change. Viv’s still Viv. But Anabelle spent the night over there last weekend. She never even cried for me.

  KAT WANDERFULL: You’re a great man, Robbie. Do you know that?

  He scrubbed his jaw, but his grin remained etched on his face.

  KAT WANDERFULL: Did Annie start preschool?

  MRCUSTOM: Yes.
She goes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. She loves it and already has fifteen new best friends.

  KAT WANDERFULL: Of course she does. She’s easy to love. I miss her.

  MRCUSTOM: She misses you, too. We have all your postcards on the fridge. I reread them to her every night, and we look up the location on her kid’s globe.

  KAT WANDERFULL: How are you, Robbie?

  The truth itched his fingers. I’m waiting for you. It’s as if the world stopped turning the day we parted. Come home?

  MRCUSTOM: I’m good. I started my business. We broke ground on Teddy Woodward’s house up the mountain above the highway.

  KAT WANDERFULL: REALLY?!

  MRCUSTOM: Yeah. I said I didn’t want his home to be my guinea pig. He said they have enough money that if I mess it up, they can pay me to fix it later. I’m currently in the process of hiring teams for the various projects.

  KAT WANDERFULL: I’m so proud of you.

  MRCUSTOM: Are you serious? We’re the ones who are proud of you. The whole Matthews clan.

  KAT WANDERFULL: Aww. I miss your family.

  So she missed Anabelle. She missed his family. But did—

  KAT WANDERFULL: I miss you, too, Robbie.

  Robbie sat back in the chair. He placed a hand on his breastbone, trying to contain the swelling of his heart. For three months, he’d imagined those words. He didn’t dare hope they’d ever come.

  MRCUSTOM: I miss you, Kat. A ton. Now, tell me about the show.

  Three dots appeared, then disappeared. That pattern repeated several times.

  KAT WANDERFULL: I shouldn’t answer that now. I had a bad night.

  MRCUSTOM: Did something happen?

  KAT WANDERFULL: Nothing happened. We all went out to a club. Wasn’t my scene, so Isaac walked me back to my hotel room.

  Pain knifed Robbie’s left temple. He squeezed his eyes closed.

  KAT WANDERFULL: Working on this show . . . It’s not what I expected it to be.

  MRCUSTOM: How so?

  KAT WANDERFULL: Sometimes I miss the simplicity of traveling around the US, understanding the language, serving the communities, going to church.

  MRCUSTOM: Aren’t you almost done with the season?

  KAT WANDERFULL: Yeah, we have one more stop. The Galápagos Islands!

  MRCUSTOM: Whoa! Your dream come true.

  KAT WANDERFULL: I know, right?! We leave tomorrow. I wish you could be there with me. My world is much smaller without you and Anabelle in it.

  Robbie’s fingers stilled. He could tell her how much he loved her. How much he wished she’d return to him. But this was her choice, and he wouldn’t try to sway her. No, this was between her and God.

  MRCUSTOM: You need to get some sleep.

  KAT WANDERFULL: Don’t go. There’s something I need to know.

  MRCUSTOM: What’s that?

  KAT WANDERFULL: What did the unicorn say to his cousin, the horse? You never told me the punch line when we were at Royal Village. It’s been bugging me ever since.

  MRCUSTOM: I’d tell you, but there’s no point.

  KAT WANDERFULL: That’s terrible. Wait. One more thing. Back in May, why were you at John’s proposal? I’ve always wondered but was too chicken to ask. There’s no way you would have gone if you knew what was happening.

  MRCUSTOM: Anabelle and I had gone to see a movie. And don’t laugh, but I’ve always had this sense when you’re near. I know it sounds like a bunch of hocus-pocus, but it’s true. Maybe it’s because you’re my soul mate, if such a thing exists. But I felt the hair stand up on my arm. Then I saw the crowd. I decided to check it out. Do you think I’m strange?

  KAT WANDERFULL: Yes. But that’s nothing new, is it?

  MRCUSTOM: Guess not. Sweet dreams, Kat.

  Keira stared at the phone screen long after the green dot on his picture disappeared. She felt more centered than she had in weeks. Such was the effect he had on her. She fell back on the bed, and the duvet fluffed up around her like a cloud. Like a turtle-shaped cloud. A stitch of exhilaration niggled her. She sat up and repeated the motion. This time, the tiniest laugh slipped past her lips.

  Oh, why not?

  Keira pushed herself into a standing position on the bed. The duvet puddled around her feet. She bent her knees and allowed herself to spring up, not quite getting air between her soles and the sheets. She glanced around.

  The bed hadn’t busted through the floor after all.

  She jumped higher this time, feeling a rush surge in her belly. She clapped a hand over her mouth to catch her giggle, while she waited for someone to pound on the door and demand she keep it down.

  No one came.

  And so she leaped again and again until she was bouncing around the bed in a haphazard circle. Not for Robbie. Not for Anabelle, either.

  But for herself.

  CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

  The rickety stairs from Keira’s cabin to Therese’s hair-and-makeup tent cut through the lush forest of Isla Santa Cruz. Keira climbed them, holding the itty-bitty bikini on its hanger. She wasn’t sure who had decided she should wear these strings to go scuba diving tomorrow, but it wasn’t a friend of hers. Sure, she looked good in it. The extra protein, healthy carbohydrates, and regular exercise had added muscle to Keira’s skeleton and enough flesh to bring her curves back. More than that, Keira’s stomach didn’t growl relentlessly anymore, and her thoughts no longer centered around phrases like calorie deficits. She felt strong and beautiful in her body, but that didn’t mean she wanted to hand it over for others’ viewing pleasure.

  A canvas curtain had been drawn across the doors.

  Keira climbed the last of the steps slowly, feeling the burn in her legs. “Hey, Therese. I’d rather have a one-piece or scuba suit for tomorrow’s shoot.”

  No response.

  Keira pulled back the curtain a bit to peer in. “I’ve got to stand by my convictions and—” Inside, as Keira’s pupils adjusted to the dimmed light, she made out a figure in a chair.

  The person had short hair, cropped close to the scalp, and a narrow set of shoulders. One hand covered her face. The other fanned over her nape.

  “Margot?”

  Keira’s former idol remained silent.

  Only the hoarse whistle of a blue-footed booby outside filled the air. Then footsteps came from the bathroom. Therese appeared, holding a wig—Margot’s wig—and a brush.

  When Therese saw Keira, the brush dropped and clattered on the teak floor. Her eyes went to Margot next. “Oh no. Margot, I didn’t—”

  The hand that had been covering her face jutted out, fingers stretched wide, halting Therese’s next words. Slowly, both of Margot’s hands lowered. She reached over and flicked on the makeup lamps and then swiveled her chair to face the mirror. In the reflection, she blinked several times. Finally, her stare steadied on Keira. “Cancer. Last year.”

  “I’m s-sorry. I didn’t know.”

  “Not many did. Except my doctors, Therese, and Phil. Everyone else simply thought I was too stubborn to show up to work.”

  “Would you like me to tell them?”

  “No.” The word was harsh enough to silence the booby outside.

  “Between you and me, I’d rather they all think I’m a witch than weak.”

  “You aren’t weak. You were sick. Are you okay now?”

  “I’m in remission. I still get some intravenous supplements once in a while. In Kodiak, Brussels, Johannesburg.”

  “Oh, Margot. You could’ve told me.”

  “And see that look of pity? No, thank you.” Margot swept the short dark hair to the side of her forehead. “You think you were brought on because you’re better than me?”

  Keira steeled herself. Margot’s sharp tongue could give a grand lashing. But that’s a
ll it was—her lashing out. In her life, Keira had heard worse.

  “Get real, honey.” She spit the words at Keira’s reflection. Then Margot’s eyes fell to her hands. “But, in time, when the big C returns and claims me, you, of all the people that I’ve seen and met, have the fortitude and faith to carry Traveling Light to a new, more transcendent place.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Margot scoffed. “Don’t you get it? I was the one who hired you. After I’m gone, you will surely keep this show alive. It’s my life’s work. My baby. I’ve given everything to this show. If it goes to the grave with me, my life will have meant nothing.”

  Keira moved closer. After a hesitation, she placed a hand on Margot’s shoulder. “Not true. You inspire people to live their best, most adventurous life. For me, when I was trapped in an abusive home as a child, you gave me hope that there was a bigger world out there. That if I could hold on for another day, maybe I could see it for myself. Besides, maybe the cancer won’t come back.”

  “Recurrent epithelial ovarian. Prognosis isn’t good.”

  “Okay. So, if it comes back, you’ll fight it off again. You’re one of the toughest people I’ve ever known. Cancer’s got nothing on Margot Jorgensen.”

  Margot tousled her wisps of hair.

  “You look beautiful. Like a brunette Mia Farrow.” Keira’s eyes flickered to the wig in Therese’s hand. “Remember what you said about showing the viewers the real me. Perhaps you should follow your own advice. Invite others to share this journey with you. Teach those viewers who are watching from hospital beds and clinics that they can still use each blessed heartbeat well.”

  Margot rolled her eyes. “You’re young. What do you know?”

  “I know that the Lord has a purpose for your life. And the hope and peace he offers lasts longer than momentary adventures and fleeting pleasures.”

  “Don’t you have somewhere to be, ‘Kat Wanderfull’?” She snapped her fingers at Therese, who promptly began fitting the wig to Margot’s scalp. “I’ll see you on set.” With a wave of Margot’s hand, Keira was dismissed.