Coming Undone

by Melody Calder

  I walked up the small set of stairs to the heavy, red, wooden door of the cathedral and paused with my hand on the handle. My breath was heavy and not from the long walk up the hill. I knew the memories awaited me on the other side and I wasn’t ready to face them. Simone’s silky brown hair, her mischievous smile, the way she looked at me with pure love in her eyes – all of it flashed through my mind and left me incapacitated.

  Time passed by and I tried to push my thoughts away using the technique my mentor helped me learn. Deep breaths and reciting my favorite verse several times, I finally pushed the door open and entered. The familiar scent of incense hit my nose and calmed me as the one thing in my life that was always the same. I refused to look around and kept my eyes on the carpet as I made my way up the aisle and toward the door off to the side of the altar. It would lead me to the offices where I was to meet the priest who would be in charge of deciding my fate of whether or not I would be ordained in a year’s time.

  I knocked on the door and wasn’t surprised to see Father Augustin with his head buried in papers. He smiled at me broadly, “Welcome back, André and as Deacon no less. How was Belgium?”

  “It was wonderful. Thank you for the recommendation letter and helping me to be accepted. I learned much in my time there,” I replied as I shook his hand.

  “It was my pleasure, André. I’m glad the Director of Vocations heeded my call for assistance. With Sister Elizabeth growing older, it’s been difficult to reach out to the community as much as is needed. They’ve brought in help recently, but it will take some time for Sister Catherine to settle in and find her way around.”

  I nodded solemnly at the idea of Sister Elizabeth aging. She seemed so young when I left and I hadn’t been gone very long. I supposed it was like most things in life where one didn’t see the changes happening right in front of them. “And Sisters Marie and Anna? Are they well?”

  “They are, and still running our orphanage. We have less children these days with most of the ones who came in after the war now adults or adopted by loving families. We don’t get as many in anymore. With only eight children in our care now, I can imagine we will shut it down entirely one day. But for now, it keeps the nuns quite busy, especially since none of us are as young and full of energy as we used to be,” he chuckled at the last bit.

  “I’m glad I was assigned to come back here to help. I’m sure there is much to be done and I’m excited to start. I know you are the best Father I could learn from,” I complimented him.

  He was humble and ignored my compliment, “I will show you to your room so you can get settled. I’m sure you’re tired from your travels. We can start tomorrow nice and fresh.” He stood and I followed him out, noticing he walked with a slight limp now. I didn’t dare to ask about it.

  Father Augustin gave me a small tour, letting me know where each door led since I hadn’t spent time in this portion of the church as a child. It was the smallest tour I’d ever had and I was thankful for it. My legs felt like lead and I was tired from my journey. It seemed my Bible felt heavier in my hands since I arrived in Lyon.

  “Dinner will arrive in an hour, which should give you enough time to rest your eyes for a bit. If you sleep past, I’ll make sure to knock on your door,” he offered as he opened the door to the small room which would be my home until I was ordained.

  I thanked him and turned to study the room. A small bed sat against one wall. Opposite of it, stood a wardrobe for my clothing and a small desk. I set my things down and lay back on the bed. I laughed as I realized it felt the same as the bed I slept on in the orphanage.

  My sense of irony was short lived as I closed my eyes and pulled out the tattered leather necklace and stroked the medallion of Saint Christopher. It comforted me, one of the few connections I still had to Simone, and I found myself drifting off to sleep, and I didn’t know what was real or not. I knew being back in this place would test me, I just didn’t realize how hard it would be.

  I could hear her voice as clear as day, along with her tinkling laughter. Unable to stand it anymore, I awoke fully and made my way to the kitchen where we would dine shortly. I needed a glass of water and time to reflect before I had to face Father Agustin again.

  At the doorway, I heard the distinct voice say, “Sister Elizabeth is tired from our walk and I think she forgot to tell me you had a guest coming. I just figured you were extra hungry today.”

  The Father laughed, “I can’t help it if you supply the goodies to me with all your baking. I’m sure the children are just as happy as I am you’ve taken over helping in the kitchen.”

  Simone. No, it couldn’t be! I had to still be in my dream, because the woman I loved would never become a nun. She was too full of life and had too much spirit. My heart sank as the thought of my part in breaking her heart, the thing I did to get her to live was the thing that led her to throw her talents away.

  My heart pounded as I forced myself to walk through the door and see for myself, pinching myself in the process to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I took her in and the first thing I noticed was no habit or long black dress. My breath whooshed out in relief, the noise causing her to look up and notice me.

  Her eyes widened and her face went pale as she whispered in a question, “André?”

  My own voice seemed to have vanished as the pain in her expression cut me to the core. I had so many questions, but I had no right to ask any of them. I ruined her life when I walked away and now, I would have to spend every single day facing the consequences of what I’d done.

  I could see her eyes glistening as her hand flew to her mouth. She backed up slowly and I knew she was about to run just as she had so many times as a child. I knew every single thing about Simone, or at least I did, until I chose to walk out of her life. The nauseating feeling bubbled in my stomach as I couldn’t form any words, give any answers, or say her name. I could see I was hurting her more, but I couldn’t help it. She turned and ran, just as I knew she would, and left me standing there with my heart tattered.

  I had to follow her and muttered an excuse to the confused Father Augustin before I ran after her. I didn’t know what I would say or how I would make it right, but I had to try. I had to make her realize she needed to leave for both our sakes.

  Chapter Eight - Simone

  I ran, tears streaming down my face. It didn’t matter if anyone saw me or that I’d left Father Augustin without finishing my duties. The sight of André, in frock no less, was just too much for me to bear. He’d become a priest and it meant it was over for us, truly over. Every small tendril of hope I held onto for all these years snapped, crushing my soul to the point where I could no longer live with the searing pain.

  Scenery flew by as my feet took me to my destination, the rush of blood in my ears cancelling out any noises, my tears blurring my vision. I stumbled and fell, my palms scratching against the gravel of the path. I cried out in pain not only from the sting of the cuts but also the utter sorrow.

  “Simone,” I heard the deep voice call my name, the one I’d longed to hear for over three years.

  “No,” I grunted as I pulled myself to my feet and kept going. I couldn’t look at him or be near him, because no matter how much I hated him for what he’d done, my love for him would never stop.

  Darting from the path, I went through the rose bushes, the thorns tearing at my dress and my skin, and ripping my hair out. “Simone, please stop,” he shouted behind me, his voice pleading. “You’re going to get hurt.”

  I ignored him and kept going. I knew the garden like the back of my own hand and soon the roses gave way to large bushes, ones close together, but I could fit my small body through. I could feel the leaves break off and catch in my short messy hair. I didn’t care what I put my body through because I wouldn’t be in this vessel much longer. I only had a short way to go and there was no way André or anyone else would arrive before it was too late.

  Already gasping for air, my lungs burned, and it would make my end easie
r and take less time. Ripping through the last of the bushes, I found myself in the field of flowers and paid no mind to how many I stomped on as I spotted the water ahead. Sister Elizabeth would forgive me, not that she would know, given her health.

  The pond beckoned me, calling for me to plunge into its cool waters, to become one with it, my soul forever trapped in the place where my greatest memories were. The place where those memories should stay to be forgotten by all. I no longer had control of myself because the grief took over.

  Acting on instinct, I listened to the call of the water and jumped face down, allowing myself to sink to the bottom as I awaited the darkness to overtake me. I wouldn’t go to heaven and I accepted that fact. I didn’t long for paradise or to meet the people who had birthed me. I couldn’t feel love for people I never met. I only wanted to escape the person I did love more than anything else in this world, the person who betrayed me in the worst possible way.

  I was at peace as the darkness blurred my vision and I fought the natural urge to breathe. Focusing on the fish darting about their disturbed home, I was able to become a part of my surroundings and forget the needs of my human vessel.

  The peace I found was suddenly jerked away as my body came out of the water, and my first thought was how horribly uncomfortable death was. I didn’t know if it were just because I was a broken soul or if this was how it was for everyone. My thoughts went to Sister Elizabeth and how close she was to leaving this earth. It hurt to think she may not find her paradise in death.

  “What the hell are you doing, Simone?” André’s angry voice pulled me from my delusions.

  My thoughts raced and I tried so many times to say something vicious, but all my befuddled mind would come up with was, “Why?” It was the question encompassing every aspect of our lives.

  “Because I gave up everything so you could have a good life. So, you could go to Paris and do something with your art and explore the world,” he spat out, his eyes simmering.

  “No,” my hands went to my ears to cover them from the words that broke me even more. He didn’t say what I needed to hear, and he never would. His proclamations of love were never true or as deep as my love for him.

  He pulled me to my feet and cupped my face, forcing me to look at him. His eyes softened and I saw the glimmer of love. Hope bloomed in my chest despite knowing he would hurt me again. “Why are you still here? You were supposed to leave and achieve your dreams. Find someone to love you as much as I do. Simone, you...” his voice hitched, and his words trailed off.

  I pulled away from his hands and turned my back on him. Hugging myself as the cold started to seep into my bones, I retorted, “I waited for you, André. You were supposed to come back for me. We were supposed to reach those dreams together. You threw me away.” The tears came back through my anger. “I didn’t know if you were dead or alive. You just stopped writing to me for no reason. You never once told me you were attending seminary. That isn’t love.”

  “I love you enough to stop holding you back. Someday, you’ll understand,” his voice was so soft I almost didn’t hear him. Clearing his throat, I could hear the rustle of his frock as he straightened, “Let’s get you inside so you don’t freeze.”

  Stomping past him, iciness filled my voice, “There’s no us in this. I will take care of myself as I have for the past three years.” As I continued to walk back to the orphanage, the only sound was the sloshing of my shoes and the fading sound of the cacophony of frogs behind me. I didn’t dare look back. I couldn’t take seeing his reaction or looking at him anymore. Despite how furious I was with him, the yearning to touch his lips, and feel his arms wrapped around me once again, was too great.

  I walked into the empty kitchen and stood in front of the large, roaring fire trying to warm up my cold dead soul. No more tears fell as my hurt turned into burning anger. I wasted three years of my life waiting for him, loving him, just to find out he turned away from any chance of having the life we planned.

  I felt his presence as soon as he stepped in the room, something I doubted would ever go away. “Simone,” he whispered as he stood behind me, so close I could feel his warmth at my cold back. I shook my head, not wanting to hear his excuses. His hand brushed down my arm and I shivered again, this time not from the cold.

  “Don’t,” I pleaded with him as my desire for him came thundering back fast and hard.

  “I can’t,” he said breathily, and I didn’t know if he meant he couldn’t be with me or he couldn’t stay away from me. My answer came when his fingers brushed against my neck causing me to melt back into him, the feel of his chest so familiar and so right.

  Ever so gently, his lips replaced his fingers on my neck. My breath hitched as the electric sparks shot straight to my core. Everything I felt from our first kiss came rushing back and I turned to face him. “André,” his name rushed over my lips filled with every ounce of love I had for him. Wrapping my hands through his hair, I pulled his lips to mine quietly moaning against him.

  André’s hands flew to my hips and he opened for me, darting his tongue against mine as we melded together with unbridled passion. I could feel his fingers digging into my skin and it only served to fuel my desire as stars danced behind my closed eyes. His chest rumbled and he took me deeper pulling my hips against him. I could feel his hardness through the thin cloth of his frock, and I rubbed my core against him. Hot passion fueled my actions and I needed something more, like the things I read about in forbidden books.

  No matter how close our bodies were, it never seemed enough, as if I needed to climb into his body and become one with him to be satisfied. My hand gripped his short hair, taking everything he had to give as our tongues danced and we rubbed our bodies against one another.

  I whimpered at the loss when he pulled back, “We can’t. I can’t do this to you.” As quickly as he came to me, he was the one who ran this time. I had no time to respond before he was gone, as if he were just a ghost who vanished into thin air.

  Trembling, I didn’t know what to do or what to think. Whatever just happened gave me answers and left me with more questions. The biggest one being if I should stay despite my earlier decision to finally leave this place and all the memories behind.

  “Simone,” Sister Marie’s voice startled me. I hadn’t heard her come in. “Why are you all wet and shivering?” she sounded very concerned, and I imagined I looked a mess.

  “I fell in the pond,” I replied as casually as I could, and I rubbed my arms as if I were cold. The heat from André’s kiss still radiated through me but she couldn't know what happened between us. I turned to look at her, knowing what look she would have on her face, and I was right.

  “I thought you were past the childhood games,” she tsked, irritated with a resurgence of my childhood antics.

  Ignoring her comment, I asked, the hurt clear because I already knew the answer, “Did you know?”

  She sighed, “I did, just not when. I assumed I would have more time to prepare. When you told me you would be leaving I didn’t want you to change your mind for him. I was ordered by Father Augustin not to say anything.”

  I knew her following the priest’s orders was what she had to do no matter how she felt about it. I was a little more hurt that she didn’t let me decide if I wanted to see him or not. Sister Marie would have let me leave here without knowing what happened to André. The fact that she purposely withheld that information from me while I pined away for a man I couldn’t have felt like a betrayal.

  I stiffened when she put her hand on my shoulder, “Please understand, we all want what is best for all of us. He’s a deacon and will take his vows in one year if he chooses. André went through a lot to protect you and get over you from what I was told. And I know you need to move on with your life, to live your dreams. Sister Elizabeth made me see how much you need to make your own way in life.”

  Glowering, I replied, “There’s nothing for you to worry about. I will wait for the arrangements to be made and then
leave. André has made it clear what we shared together is in the past. Thank you for your concern, Sister. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go home. My day is over, and I need to wash up and get into some dry clothes.” Without another word, I left the room holding my chin high, despite knowing everyone I once loved committed such a betrayal.

  It wasn’t until I was outside, in the streets of Lyon, that I ran to my little apartment. The once depressing room was now the only place I had left to escape the living nightmare that fell in my lap.

  Chapter Nine - Simone

  I woke up the next day and the anger was still there. I couldn’t believe that everyone who was supposed to love me didn’t tell me he was alive and he was becoming a priest. It was my mistake thinking he already took his vows, though I couldn’t be blamed since I was kept in the dark.

  The two people I trusted most in the world hurt me and I wondered about Sister Elizabeth and Sister Anna as well. The former was so insistent I leave this place and let him go. And that was after Sister Marie insisted I take her to the pond. It seemed too much of a coincidence for me to believe she had no knowledge.

  I would show André, show them all. The kiss we shared showed his desire for me hadn’t left, though I doubted it was based on anything other than the normal carnal desires. These things I was so innocent of three years prior were no longer a complete mystery to me. I learned about them by reading books I loaned from the library and read at night in the safety of my apartment. I knew now what sex was and how a man and a woman could make each other feel good, and that knowledge would be my weapon.