Coming Undone

by Melody Calder

  Dressing for the day, I ditched my undershirt, the one that made my dress conservative by covering up my cleavage. I remembered how much André loved the swell of my breasts as he ran his fingers along them so many years ago. With Sister Catherine taking care of the children, I was on the cleaning duty at the church. A baptism was only a few days away and I had to make everything shine in the nave.

  Normally, I would have worn pants for the heavy cleaning days, but not this time. I didn’t care if my knees would hurt more as I kneeled on the floor to scrub it. I wanted my ass to be up in the air in a position the books said was a desirable pose, one no man could resist. It would take me the entire day to clean the floors and in that time, I was sure André would have to make an appearance inside the church.

  It was his first full day of learning and with the baptism on top of it, Father Augustin would certainly go through his normal practice of the holy sacrament with his student by his side. After spending my entire life in these two connected buildings, I knew the habits of everyone who lived there and would use it to my advantage.

  As I sat down to breakfast, Sister Anna took one look at me and raised a brow. I smiled at her sweetly, “It’s such a warm day and the nave must be ready for the festivities. If I dress cooler, I’ll be able to work harder and have it sparkling clean for Father Augustin.”

  “Oh, yes, that is a good plan. And here I thought you were trying out more fashionable clothing for when you go to Paris,” she smiled warmly, not saying a word of the new deacon. If she knew, she wasn’t giving me any clues at all.

  “Yes, I suppose that is another good reason,” I responded politely. “I’m not sure when I’ll be going since the arrangements still need to be made.” I looked pointedly at Sister Marie who chose to remain silent. She still hadn’t told me when I was to leave. Another secret she kept from me.

  Sister Anna continued our conversation oblivious to the tension between me and the woman I was closest to. “I will say, I wish you would never leave. It’s always hard when the ones we raise turn of age, but I’ll tell you a little secret. You’ve been the one who I’ve loved like I would imagine I would love a daughter. I’m going to miss you so much, Simone.”

  Through all my irritation at the way they kept things from me, I couldn’t ignore a statement like that or act indifferent. I swallowed my pride for a short time, which was no easy task, “I’ll miss you, too. This will always be my home and I’ve looked at you like a mother figure. You’ve been here my whole life. You all have. I’m terrified to leave, but excited at the same time. I’ve always wanted to see what’s outside of this city and experience all the things I’ve only read about in books.” I neglected to say what kind of books I’d been reading.

  “I have no doubt all of your dreams will come true,” Sister Elizabeth spoke up. It seemed she always was the blunt one of the group and would tell the truth no matter how much it hurt people. I always loved that about her, despite all the times she told me things I didn’t want to hear. She had warned me about André and the pitfalls of young love. If only I’d listened to her, yet I didn’t think I had a choice when it came to him. In all my anger towards him, I still couldn’t stop loving him with all my soul.

  I stood from the table and bid the four nuns a farewell. “I’ll pick up lunch for Father Augustin and myself at noon as always,” I told Sister Anna over my shoulder before I walked through the doorway. She gave me her thanks as I disappeared down the hallway to the door leading to the church.

  The work was grueling, my arms going numb from reaching to dust and polish every spot on the walls within my reach and I’d only been at it for a couple of hours. I started in the back and worked my way forward, always keeping one eye on the altar where I expected André to appear. It would take me most of the day to complete before I moved onto scrubbing the floors, a task which I would have to come back the next day to finish.

  Eventually, Father Augustin opened the door at the front of the nave and André followed behind him. I looked up as the priest greeted me, “Good morning, Simone. Thank you for your work in preparing the nave. An old man like me could never do it. These old knees just don’t work like they used to.”

  “It’s my pleasure to continue to work for the church. I almost couldn’t see doing anything else,” I smiled at him warmly. He was the only one I wasn’t angry with because I didn’t think he knew the history of his new deacon and myself aside from the deep friendship we had. “It will take me a couple of days but I’m happy to do my part in making the baptism perfect for the parents and the child. It’s always been my favorite ritual to watch.”

  André stood so close behind him, I could watch his reaction without Father Augustin knowing. His eyes roved my body before being glued to the roundness of the skin of my breasts. I watched as his Adam’s apple moved and he shifted uncomfortably. Despite knowing the pettiness of it all, I cheered in my head.

  “You know, now that I think about it, it would be good for Deacon André to help you. We learn how important our nave is by getting to know every inch of it. What better way than to care for it?”

  I groaned internally. It was not the suggestion I expected at all. In some ways it was good for my plan where he would have to be in close quarters with me for hours on end. I just didn’t think I could handle it when even through my rage I still desired him. “That is a lovely idea. But don’t you need to teach him the proper way to perform a baptism?”

  The priest waved me off, “Baptisms are simple to learn. We will go over it a few times each day and then he’s all yours.”

  I cringed at the terminology he used. André would never be mine, not when he chose to leave me for a life of celibacy and servitude. I pushed away the negative thoughts weighing me down and thanked the priest before turning back to my work. It was hard to concentrate while hearing the voice I’d missed so much as he recited the sacred words. Sadness tugged at my heart watching him perform the actions like a proper priest. He was good at it and it burned me to admit it. I found myself entranced in the way he moved and the sound of his voice. It was as if his gift to the world was spreading the word of God, making me hang onto every single word as they buried deep in my soul and gave me back some of the faith I’d lost over the years.

  I had to shake myself out of my stupor and stick to my plan. I went back to polishing the wooden baseboards, making sure my backside was turned to face his position on the altar. It gave me great satisfaction to hear him stumble over his words.

  Chapter Ten - André

  I went through the rites with Father Augustin several times before he told me to help Simone until lunchtime. Every part of me fought the temptation of her, with the tops of her breasts on display and the way she bent over so seductively to clean. The hairs on my arms stood up and I was just happy to have a large frock to hide my growing erection.

  My little temptress was going to be my downfall and I knew it. I didn’t want to fight it when she was there in front of me with her soft dark hair falling around her face framing it, and those eyes that saw right into my soul. My love for her never faded, it seemed, no matter how much I hoped it had. I lied to myself that I could be a man of the cloth and live without her.

  I had to try, though. Every single thing in my life had led me to this place where I needed to save others from the monster I could become so easily. Also, I stood by my convictions of Simone needing to experience life outside of this little church and orphanage. She was always a girl who was a free spirit, yet she chose to stay stifled here. I had my part in it and I realized how horrible it was for her when she tried to drown herself at the pond. The thing was, what she sought from that attempt was the exact thing she would get if she left and followed her dreams – freedom.

  “What can I help you with?” I asked her when I came back to my senses.

  She stood and turned to face me, pushing her breasts out as she stretched her back. She was stunning and I yearned to taste her skin, to press my lips against hers, and do everyth
ing my upcoming vows wouldn’t allow me to do. I licked my lips as I thought of how good she would look splayed out naked beneath me.

  “Deacon, are you there?” her angelic voice pushed its way through my daydreaming and she stood there with a smirk on her face.

  “Yes, sorry. I was lost in my thoughts. It’s been a long morning,” I mumbled.

  “Here’s the polish for the wood. You get the low parts and I’ll work on the higher parts. Once we finish these last few meters, we can move to the other side.” She held out a rag and a bottle with a brownish orange liquid. I took it from her, my fingers grazing hers, lingering for longer than I should have. I couldn’t help it though, my brain seemed to stop functioning whenever I was near her. Her skin was so soft despite the hard work I knew she’d done for years. My skin held an unshakable itch with the desire to stroke every part of her body and I fought against it.

  “Okay,” I managed to respond as I kneeled on the floor and started my work. She was right above me and the scent of the milk and honey assaulted my nose. It was the soap she made herself and sold to local shops to raise money for the orphanage. To me, it was the smell of safety, of home, where I could be myself once upon a time before the reality of making adult decisions changed it all.

  We worked in silence until the bells rang, signaling the start of the noon hour. Wiping her hands on her skirt, tied up to be out of her way and showing off her long legs, she told me she would be back with lunch in a few minutes. “I’ll bring it to the dining room where Father Augustin is waiting.” She walked quickly towards the orphanage.

  I jogged to catch up with her. “Let me go with you and help,” I offered, suddenly unable to be away from her. I felt like if I let her go, she would disappear forever even though it was a silly idea.

  “It’s not like I need your help, Deacon André,” she practically hissed as she continued on her way. “I’ve been managing just fine on my own for three years.”

  I paused, stung by the words I knew were deserved, before I quickened to catch up with her again. “I know, Simone. You are an amazing woman who could conquer the world if you so desired.”

  She laughed humorlessly, “I doubt that. I couldn’t even hold onto the one person I loved more than life itself.”

  I could no longer stop myself, her pain too much for me. I grasped her arm to stop her before I reached up to stroke her cheek, “You never lost me, Simone. No matter where you are, you are still a part of me.”

  She shook her head and started to deny my admission, but I stopped her, giving in to the urges God himself couldn’t take away from me. My lips pressed against hers and I tangled my fingers in her luscious hair. She melted into me, her breasts pressed against me as I groaned lightly. Gasping, her mouth opened and let me in, my tongue diving in deep to taste her as it slid against hers. It was as if the universe aligned and everything was right with the world in that moment when I had Simone in my arms.

  She jerked out of my hold and my lips suddenly felt cold, though they tingled with the afterglow of our kiss. “No. This isn’t right, Deacon,” she addressed me sharply. “I must go.” Before I could say anything, she vanished behind the side door leading to the orphanage.

  I covered my face with my hands and scrubbed at it as the weight of what I kept doing settled over me. Again, I led her on and made her believe there was a life with me. I had to find a way to stop but she was too intoxicating. I didn’t know if I should let her go or let my own ill-conceived plan go. As long as we both remained in this place, I couldn’t resist Simone.

  Squaring my shoulders, I rushed to where I knew Father Augustin would be waiting for his lunch. I only hoped I could get out what I needed to before Simone came back. “Father, I must speak to you of something of importance,” I said as I burst into the dining room.

  He looked at me curiously, his brow raised, “What is it, lad?” The concern laced his voice.

  “I need to be reassigned to another church,” I rushed out my words with no explanation as to why.

  He rubbed his chin, lost in thought and I wanted to shake him for an answer. There was no time to think about this, especially with the seductress about to come in any minute. I held my breath when he opened his mouth, “I’m not sure what has you so upset but I think we need to talk about this first. I know how horrible those jitters of the first ceremony can be, but I can assure you of your readiness.”

  I didn’t have time to respond because my soulmate came through the doorway carrying a tray loaded with food. Thankfully, Father Augustin knew our conversation was personal and didn’t press for any more discussion. “Thank you, Simone. You are such a blessing to us all,” he complimented her as she set a large plate in front of him.

  “You're too kind,” she responded simply as she set a plate in front of me also. “I’m just doing what the Lord has tasked me with until I find my true mission in life.”

  She sat down and Father Augustin led the prayer before we ate. The meal was uncomfortable for me, and I sat silently as the two spoke of mundane things such as the weather and the upcoming fundraiser Sister Catherine started to plan. I hadn’t met the mysterious new nun as of yet and would have to remedy that soon. From what I gathered from their conversation, she arrived not long before I did and was a wonderful addition.

  Not meeting her gaze, I helped gather the dishes and pile them on the tray when we were done. She was aloof but polite, thanking me before scurrying off to bring them back to the kitchen.

  “I have some business to attend to in town, but we will discuss your reservations to this church when I get back,” he told me kindly.

  Left alone, I knew I had to go back and help Simone with the cleaning, but I couldn’t just then. My emotions ran too high and my need for her still throbbed in my groin. I couldn’t get the feeling of her pressed against me out of my head, or the thoughts of making love to her to stop running like a movie in my mind. I went back to my room hoping I could use the power of prayer to dispel my thoughts of sin and give me the strength to get through the afternoon of temptation.

  The rosary Simone gave me was still the one I used, and seeing it gave me strength to know if I could get her to leave and pursue her art, it would be the right thing for her. The delicate beads painstakingly carved by her own hands were a glimpse of the artistic talent she had. It crushed me to know she continued to let it go to waste.

  I wished I had handled things differently with Simone. As the person who knew her better than anyone else, I should have known she needed an explanation from me. Instead, I listened to my mentor, a man who had no experience in love as deep as ours. Just cutting her off wasn’t what she needed and because of my mistake, she was bound to this place, waiting for me to come back to her.

  Now that I was back, I didn’t know if she would leave of her own volition. I had to leave again, and this time do it right. I would bear my soul to Father Augustin and pray that he understood. He was the only one who could arrange for me to be sent away, though I knew it would take some time for it to happen. I just needed to push away my burning desire for Simone until arrangements could be made. It would test me more than anything ever tested me in my life. The loss of my parents, devastating as it was, was still no match for the situation I was in now.

  Saying the last prayer, I stroked the cross of my rosary, finding my resolve to fight my urges and dreams of being with Simone. It was time for me to lock up my heart and find that little boy who pushed everyone away in his grief.

  Chapter Eleven - Simone

  I wondered where André was while I got to work and cleaned the walls. He was sullen and quiet at lunch, no doubt from his own sins he committed with me and my turning him away. He was probably shut up in some far away room licking his wounds.

  Good, I thought. He deserved it all for how much he hurt me and continued to do so. The first day he arrived, he saved me from what I didn’t want to be saved from. The nerve of that man to be so sure he knew what was best for me and my life. If only he had seen
three years ago that he was what was best for me. Now, I wasn’t so sure. It seemed he changed so much, yet so little, in our time apart.

  When he kissed me that first day he was back, everything felt right with the world again. It was as if no time had passed and we were Simone and André again, set to spend the rest of our lives together. Our plans as children, to get married and have the family we’d both lost, were within reach. Finally, after so much heartache, I could go on living again and the weight of his absence had been lifted.

  Then he stopped, pulled away from me. He admitted we couldn’t be and broke my heart all over again. And today he kissed me again despite having turned away from me the day before. The back and forth was something my damaged heart couldn’t take, so I pushed him away this time.

  Unless he were to make up his mind to be with me, to tear off his frock and leave his plans of being ordained behind, I couldn’t. I knew I played a dangerous game toying with him like I did. My dress was intentional, and my actions were intentional, as well. I wanted him to do what he did today and be unable to resist the temptation.

  It turned out not to be as satisfying as I thought it would be. Revenge wasn’t something I was capable of, and I didn’t know why I thought I could follow through. For my own benefit, I needed to stop immediately.

  I thought of asking Sister Marie not to make the arrangements for me to go to Paris, but now I knew it was better to go. The two of us were like magnets, André and I, and we couldn’t stop the pull between us. It would only hurt us both in the end, though I was sure I would be the one to be hurt the most.

  Why had he grown to be so much more irresistible, with his brown eyes like pools of chocolate that I could drown in, if I weren’t careful. And his body, he hadn’t lost any of his definition from the past, all of those muscles seemed to be more defined. Somehow, though he’d changed in the slightest ways, I still fit perfectly in his strong arms.