Matters of the Heart

by Catherine Maiorisi

  Chapter Thirteen

  They were in the orthopedic surgeon’s waiting room for Darcy’s four-week checkup. “Don’t get your hopes up, Darcy.”

  “You said they were going to remove the casts, right? This is the beginning of the end.”

  Andrea squatted in front of Darcy’s wheelchair. “Look me in the eye, Darcy.”

  “What?” Darcy was annoyed.

  “You have this wonderful talent for hearing what you want to hear. What I said was, they will X-ray your arms and legs to see if they’re healing properly but it’s too early to remove the casts.”

  “Don’t yell at me.”

  “I’m trying to make sure you understand. The point of this visit is to confirm that your limbs are healing as they should, not to release you for physical therapy.”

  “But maybe I’ll be healing so well, they’ll take the casts off.”

  Andrea rested her hands on Darcy’s shoulders. “If you were sixteen, sweetie, you might have a chance. But you’re forty. It’s highly unlikely that you won’t need more healing time.”

  “I’m not forty yet and I don’t understand why you’re trying to bring me down.”

  “Because I don’t want you to go off the deep end.”

  That got Darcy’s attention. “Moi, go off the deep end?” She glared at Andrea. “Did you just call me sweetie?”

  “No.” Oops, thought Andrea, I’ll have to watch those slips. She doesn’t miss a thing.

  “You did.”

  Andrea stood. “I’m your doctor. Why would I call you sweetie?”

  “Because you can’t help yourself, you care for me.”

  “Ms. Silver, we’re ready for you.” The technician led them back to a room. “Dr. Trapani and I will put you on the table so I can take X-rays. It will take a little while to develop the pictures, then Dr. Stern will come in and talk to you. Okay?”

  “Well, if it was up to me, you would remove the casts and Dr. Trapani and I would leave.”

  The technician laughed. “Everyone feels that way.” They lifted Darcy to the table. “But I guess with both arms and legs in casts, you probably feel it more than most.” She arranged Darcy’s arms. “Please step behind the shield, Dr. Trapani.” The machine hummed, then the technician came back and arranged Darcy’s legs. The machine hummed again and Andrea and the technician returned. “Are you comfortable on the table?”

  Darcy nodded.

  “Dr. Stern will be in as soon as I develop the pictures.” She left them alone.

  “How quickly can we get a physical therapist?”

  “Darcy.” Andrea knew she sounded annoyed, but Darcy was setting herself up for a fall. And she couldn’t stand to watch her suffer. “Don’t, please.”

  Darcy looked hurt. It was the first time Andrea had been anything but patient with her. They avoided eye contact as they waited for the surgeon in silence.

  Dr. Stern breezed in. “The X-rays look terrific, Ms. Silver. I did a terrific job, if I must say so myself. I’ll see you again in two weeks.” He pivoted toward the door.

  “You’re leaving the casts on?” Darcy struggled to stay in control.

  He turned, frowning. “Let me remind you that it took multiple surgeries and a number of plates and many screws to put your limbs back together. You’re lucky they’re healing so well.” Seeing the distress on Darcy’s face, he moved closer and spoke in a gentler voice. “You were pretty badly damaged and your bones need the time to mend. Removing the casts too soon would be a mistake. When you come back in two weeks, we should be able to remove the arm casts and you can start therapy. We’ll check the legs then, but my guess is they’ll need at least another four weeks.”

  Darcy gasped.

  The ride home was excruciating. Despite Andrea’s warning, Darcy had allowed herself to believe the casts would be coming off and she was sinking fast. Andrea yearned to hold and comfort her. But of course, she couldn’t. When they got back to the house, Darcy didn’t want to sit in the garden; she wanted to go to bed.

  Carlo helped Andrea shift Darcy into the bed. She lay there with her eyes closed. He looked at Andrea, a question on his face. She walked him to the elevator and told him in Italian what had happened. He went down looking depressed. Back in the room, Andrea pulled the chair close to the bed and sat listening to Darcy’s ragged breathing. “I’m so sorry, Darcy.”

  “Well, that sure makes me feel better.” Nasty Darcy was back.

  “I know you’re hurting. I’m sure four weeks feels like an eternity, but if you don’t heal properly, you’ll suffer for the rest of your life.”

  “You don’t know a damned thing.” She turned her head away.

  “Darcy, please don’t isolate yourself like this.”

  “What do you care, sweetie?”

  Andrea could kick herself for letting that pop out. “I care. Can’t you tell?” And, she realized, she really did. In fact, she had a sudden urge to climb into bed with Darcy, to kiss her and soothe her and make her forget about her casts. She rubbed her eyes, trying to clear the image, then focused on Darcy. Was that a shoulder shrug under the blanket?

  Andrea struggled to calm her racing heart and slow her breathing. Where had those feelings come from? And what was she going to do about them? Darcy’s soft voice pulled her back to the room.

  “I know you tried to warn me and so did the technician, but I wanted to believe I would be done with all this. And, you called me sweetie, but then you denied it and made me feel crazy. Everything got all mixed up, having to live like this for another four weeks, and feeling you’ll never love me made me feel hopeless.”

  “I’m sorry. I denied calling you sweetie because I’m trying to keep our relationship uncomplicated. And I do care.”

  “But?”

  “Listen to yourself, Darcy. I’m the person you’re dependent on for everything. It’s natural you would fixate on me, to think that you love me. Psychotherapists call it transference. Right now, I have all the power because you need me. Doing anything, making any commitments, when you’re so vulnerable, is a recipe for disaster. I’m trying to protect you.”

  “I don’t want to be protected, I want to be loved.”

  “You’re fragile, you need to be protected and taken care of more than you need love that might prove transitory. Do you understand?”

  “No. And, I can’t talk about this anymore. I know what I feel for you. I know what I want from you. It’s bad enough I have to ask you to blow my goddamn nose because it’s running and to dry my face because I’m crying and to do all the other things you do for me. Don’t make me beg for your love, Andrea, it’s too demeaning.”

  The hurt in Darcy’s voice felt like a gut-punch but she couldn’t give Darcy what she wanted. Andrea helped Darcy blow her nose. “Can we put this aside for now? It’s not good for your pressure. After dinner I’ll read to you a while if you like, or you can listen to music.”

  “Will you stay with me until I fall asleep tonight?”

  Andrea was hoping to run across the park to Central Park West where Julie and Karin lived. Maybe they could help her figure out how to handle Darcy’s feelings. And hers. “If it’s important, I’ll call Francine and ask her to come in later.”

  “It’s important.”

  Andrea stepped into her bedroom to call Francine. She said she’d come in about ten because Darcy was usually asleep by then. She also called Julie who agreed to meet her in front of the house about ten thirty. They would sit in the garden and talk.

  Darcy calmed down. They were quiet while eating dinner, each off in their own thoughts for the most part, then Darcy opted to be read to. About nine, Darcy’s eyes started to close. “Andrea, would you get in bed with me until I fall asleep?”

  “What?” She couldn’t hide her shock. “Absolutely not.”

  “I don’t mean under the covers or anything, just lie next to me so I can feel a warm body. I promise not to make a habit of asking but I feel so alone.”

  Andrea rubbed her fo
rehead. Unless she was upset, Darcy was straightforward, so if she said she wouldn’t make a habit of it, she wouldn’t. She was really needy tonight. In fact, she’d asked Andrea to sit close to the bed while she was reading and then had maneuvered her hand out from under the blanket and rested her fingers on Andrea’s arm. Andrea’s mind warred with her body. Her mind triumphed. “I’m your doctor, Darcy. I couldn’t do something so unprofessional.”

  “Sorry.” Darcy turned her head away. “I didn’t mean to put you in a compromising position. I just need…”

  Andrea cupped Darcy’s cheek. “Hey, it’s all right, you don’t have to apologize. At her touch, Darcy began to sob. “I’m so fucking pathetic. I make myself sick.”

  Andrea felt like crying herself. She turned Darcy’s face toward her. “Please open your eyes and look at me, Darcy.” It took a minute but Darcy complied. “I hear you. I really do. And I feel your loneliness. I want to make you feel better but it wouldn’t help either of us if I did something that made me so uncomfortable that I felt I had to leave. Please understand this is not a rejection but an affirmation of my desire to see you through this.”

  Darcy nodded. “I get it, but I still feel lonely.”

  “If I sit here with you until you fall asleep, you won’t be alone.”

  “Could you at least touch me so I feel that you’re here?”

  Andrea lowered the lights, pulled the chair closer, and reached across Darcy to rest her hand on Darcy’s shoulder. Darcy turned her face away.

  “Are you all right?”

  “Touching helps but I miss being held.”

  “It’s the best I can do, Darcy.” As she leaned in trying to see whether Darcy was crying, Darcy turned to face her again. They were so close, Andrea thought, it would take the tiniest movement for their lips to come together but it was taking a gigantic effort to resist. “Hey, you’re all wound up, close your eyes, try to relax. I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.”

  Darcy closed her eyes but didn’t turn her head away. “Thanks. Your breathing and the warmth of your breath are comforting. The weight of your arm on my shoulder too.”

  Andrea watched Darcy’s face in the dim light, feeling the warmth of Darcy’s breath on her face, the rise and fall of Darcy’s chest, the ragged beat of Darcy’s heart and the yearning in her own body for more.

  Chapter Fourteen

  It took Andrea a couple of seconds to realize where she was when Francine woke her. She was mortified to find her head on her arm on the bed sort of half draped over Darcy and stiff because of her awkward position. Francine helped her ease herself off Darcy and followed her into the bedroom to talk.

  “So is there something I should know?” Francine asked, grinning.

  Andrea flushed. “Yes, she’s extremely needy tonight. Despite what I told her, she expected Dr. Stern to remove her casts today. When that didn’t happen, she went off the deep end which was complicated by my slipping and calling her sweetie then denying it when she called me on it.”

  “Oh my. You know she’s in love with you, don’t you?”

  “I know she thinks she’s in love with me. She’s so labile; her feelings fluctuate from happy to angry to sad to happy again in the blink of an eye. I don’t trust she really knows what she feels.”

  Francine hesitated, then spoke. “It’s none of my business, but it seems to me you have feelings for her.”

  “Of course I have feelings for her. She’s my patient. I empathize with her situation. I want to help her get well.”

  “No, Dr. Trapani, that’s how I feel. You may fire me for saying this, but it’s pretty clear to me that you’re in love with her.”

  Andrea collapsed in the chair and put her head in her hands. “In love? I don’t think so. But I am attracted to her.” Was Francine right? Was she in love with Darcy? Or was it her own loneliness and the day-to-day proximity to someone who valued and desired her? She’d insisted that Darcy was vulnerable and needy and couldn’t possibly know her real feelings. Wasn’t she in the same boat, vulnerable, needy, lonely and wanting to be loved? If she was in love with Darcy, she wasn’t ready to admit it yet. She hadn’t even let herself know the extent of her attraction until she had found herself so close to Darcy tonight.

  “Is it such a bad thing to love a patient?”

  “I think it’s unprofessional. She’s so raw and stressed that…oh, I have to go. I’m meeting my friend Julie, Darcy’s cardiologist, in the garden to discuss this. Call me immediately if she wakes up and you think she wants me, or needs me. And Francine, don’t worry about me firing you. I appreciate your honesty.”

  * * *

  Julie was leaning against the banister in front of the house, holding a bottle of wine in one hand and two long-stemmed glasses in the other. She opened her arms and Andrea walked in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek. They’d been a couple in medical school but with internships and residencies at opposite ends of the country, Julie had broken things off with her, saying being good friends was a safer bet. And, best friends they remained. Except Andrea had never stopped loving her. Until now.

  Andrea led Julie into the house and out the garden door to her favorite bench. Julie handed her a glass and filled it, then did the same for herself. She sat next to Andrea. “You sounded like you might need that. What’s up?”

  “Darcy thinks she’s in love with me.” Andrea sipped her wine. “And I’m attracted to her.”

  “And this is freaking you out because?”

  Andrea swiveled so she could see Julie’s face. “Because it’s unprofessional? Because she’s on an emotional seesaw and I don’t trust what she thinks she feels?” She sipped her wine. “And because it’s happened so fast. I’ve only known her a little more than three weeks and I don’t trust either of us.”

  Julie studied her. “You’re attracted, but not in love?”

  She wasn’t ready to admit that, not even to Julie. “I’m confused, Julie. I have feelings for her but I can’t put a name to them yet.”

  Julie swirled her wine. “It seems to me Darcy’s emotional state is irrelevant to you loving her. As for unprofessional, doctors are just people and you wouldn’t be the first doctor to fall in love with a patient. But putting all that aside, falling in love takes what it takes. Some people fall in love at first sight, others after years of friendship. It’s not something we mere mortals can control.” Julie sipped her wine. “I guess in terms of an actual relationship you’d want her to be more stable. But Andrea, it’s been a long time since you’ve let yourself love.” She studied Andrea over her wineglass. “I’ve often thought you were still in love with me.”

  Andrea gasped. She thought she’d hidden her feelings all these years. “You knew?”

  Julie put her wineglass on the ground and wrapped her arms around Andrea. “I hoped you would find someone but it seemed as if you locked your heart away and made do with women like Nora. Nice, but not someone you could love.”

  Andrea breathed in Julie’s familiar fragrance, a combination of her shampoo, her cologne, and the sanitizing products used in the operating room. “Oh, Julie, I’m so sorry.”

  “For what? I’m the one who should be sorry. I never thought ending our relationship would cause you so many years of pain.” She held Andrea away so she could see her face. “But if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that we don’t have a lot of control over our hearts, the physical or emotional ones. Come on, smile. I’m ecstatic you’re at least letting yourself feel attracted to Darcy.”

  Andrea’s smile was shaky. “I still love you but it feels different. I’ve hardly given you a thought recently.”

  “Should I be insulted?”

  “No.” Andrea took Julie’s hand. “Tell me what to do, oh wise one.”

  Julie looked into Andrea’s eyes. “Trust your heart. Unless you let yourself love her, you’re sentencing yourself to the same limbo you’ve been in for years.”

  Andrea squeezed her hand. “You make it sound easy.”


  Julie studied her friend. “You need to think about why you’re complicating it.”

  Was she overthinking? Could she trust Darcy’s feelings? Or, hers for that matter? She bit her lip. “I’m worried about Darcy’s heart—”

  “So you said.”

  Andrea punched Julie’s shoulder. “Not her emotional heart, well, that too, but her physical heart. I’d like you to examine her, but traveling is stressful. Would you consider a home visit?”

  Julie took her phone out of her pocket and checked her calendar. “I’m booked solid all week and that’s without any emergencies. If I skip lunch tomorrow, I could do noon.”

  “Why don’t you join us for lunch?”

  “Lunch sounds great. And, it’ll give me time to examine and assess Darcy’s physical and emotional hearts.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  The sound of Andrea’s door closing about six thirty woke Darcy. She hoped she hadn’t scared Andrea away with her meltdown and her ranting about loving her. She was sure she was in love with Andrea, that it wasn’t just her situation talking. No question she was needy but not since she and Tori had been a couple in college had she felt so close to someone, so happy just to sit quietly in the same room. Yes, her attraction to Andrea was sexual, but it was so much more than that.

  She’d acted like a big sniveling baby yesterday, not very attractive. And, worse, she’d presumed that Andrea was in love with her when she wasn’t even sure she was a lesbian. After all, people called each other sweetie all the time. It didn’t mean they were in love. And Andrea in particular was so kind and giving and affectionate that she probably called all her patients sweetie. Darcy flushed, embarrassed she’d asked Andrea to sleep with her. It would probably have been uncomfortable with both of them on this narrow hospital bed, but it sure felt nice to have that arm draped over her, to not feel so alone.

  She would drive Andrea away if she continued to act like a spoiled brat. And though as she’d said to Candace she would pursue Andrea once she was back on her feet, right now she couldn’t think of anyone she’d rather have taking care of her. So if she hadn’t already driven Andrea away, she would apologize this morning and tell her it was the stress of yesterday that made her so outrageous. And, for the rest of the time trapped in this bed, she would do her best to be respectful toward her. Well, she wouldn’t be able to stop flirting, but she would try to avoid putting her on the spot, demanding she declare her love. But later there would be no stopping her. She was confident she would get the girl. After all, Andrea wouldn’t be the first supposedly straight woman to fall in love with Darcy Silver.