Matters of the Heart

by Catherine Maiorisi

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  While Darcy was napping the next afternoon, Andrea took a deep breath and made the call. “Karin, I need help sorting out my feelings. I want to schedule an appointment to see you.”

  Karin was silent. “You know, Andrea, if I see you as a client it’s going to screw up our friendship and I don’t want that.”

  “I don’t either but you’re the best person I know, the best therapist.”

  “Tell you what. Let’s meet and talk as friends in that fabulous garden I’ve heard so much about from Julie. If you need someone beyond that, I’ll refer you to a therapist I trust. If that’s okay, I can be there by nine thirty this evening.”

  * * *

  Andrea led Karin through the house and into the garden. She’d picked up a bottle of sauvignon blanc and two glasses in the kitchen, and after they strolled through the garden, they sat side by side on a bench sipping the chilled wine.

  “Ah, this is so much better than sitting in my office.” Karin tipped her glass toward Andrea. “So, what’s up?”

  “I’m in love with Darcy.”

  “And?”

  “I can’t bring myself to tell her. I move toward her but as soon as I start to feel loving, I pull back. I’m making the two of us crazy. In the beginning I convinced myself that Darcy didn’t know what she was feeling, that it was because she was vulnerable and needy. Now I feel if she knew I loved her, she would disappear.”

  Karin sipped her wine. “Do you think you deserve to be loved?”

  “Of course.” Andrea looked away. “Maybe.”

  Karin touched Andrea’s arm. “As I recall, when you were a little over three you spent all night alone on the steps of the cathedral waiting for your birth mother to come for you.”

  Andrea stood and faced Karin. “What has that got to do—”

  Karin raised a hand to cut her off, then patted the bench next to her. Andrea sat again. “When you’re three, Andrea, and you cry for your mommy for hours in the dark and cold, and she doesn’t come, it’s a life-changing experience that makes it hard to believe that anyone will ever be there for you.”

  “But that was thirty-eight years ago and I was lucky to be adopted by wonderful people who I love and who love me with all their hearts.”

  Karin nodded. “But other than them? You’ve only let yourself love Julie. Yes?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you’ve loved Julie since you met her, but she didn’t love you, at least not in the way that you wanted. True?”

  “Did Julie tell you I continued to love her even after she broke up with me?”

  “No, honey, I told her.” Karin took Andrea’s hand. “I only bring it up because you waited almost twenty years for Julie to come back and you didn’t let yourself love anyone else or let anyone close enough to love you.”

  “I never expected Julie to leave you.”

  “We’re not talking reality here, Andrea. That three-year-old is alive and well inside you and she knows when you love someone, they abandon you. That’s what your birth mother did. And that’s what Julie did. You opened your heart and let her in and she left you. And until Darcy, three-year-old Andrea was waiting for her to come back. It’s hard for three-year-old Andrea to believe Darcy will love her and not abandon her.”

  Andrea sobbed. Karin pulled her close and held her until she caught her breath. “This is a good thing, Andrea. Confronting these feelings, of expecting to be left, of not trusting that anyone will be there when you call, will enable you to begin to put them behind you.”

  Andrea pulled back from Karin to see her face. “I don’t understand. My parents loved, love me.”

  “I’ve seen you with them. They adore you. But that three-year-old inside knows when you love someone they abandon you.”

  “You think that’s why I move close to Darcy then pull away?’

  “What do you think?”

  Andrea wiped her eyes on her sleeve. She nodded. “But how do I change the way I feel?”

  “Do you think Darcy loves you?”

  “She thinks she does. Her friends think so. Francine thinks so.”

  “And what do you think?”

  “I think she loves me.”

  “Good.” Karin smiled. “Opening your heart, putting your feelings out there, is always a risk because you never truly know what the other person feels. You could get hurt if you declare yourself and Darcy doesn’t feel the same way. Only you can decide, Andrea, but if you don’t risk it you’ll always be that three-year-old waiting for your mommy to come back for you.”

  “Do you think I need to see a therapist?”

  “I’ll leave that up to you. I’d be happy to recommend someone if you’d like. Think about it. We can meet again to talk, if you want. But I’d better go, I have a long day tomorrow.”

  “Come upstairs with me before you leave. I have a couple of books I think you and Julie will enjoy.”

  Andrea didn’t turn on the light in the room because she’d left the connecting door to Darcy’s room open earlier, but there was enough light from the full moon and the nightlight in Darcy’s room to see the package. Karin followed her in. Andrea turned to Karin and hugged her tightly. She spoke softly so she wouldn’t wake Darcy. “Thank you so much for tonight and for being there for me all these years, Karin.” She kissed Karin lightly on the lips, then leaned back. “I don’t know what I would have done without you and Julie.” Karin brushed Andrea’s lips with hers. “That’s what friends are for, hon. Now, I really have to go. Give me the package and get me out of here before we wake your patient.”

  * * *

  Darcy opened her eyes at the whispering. She blinked. She could see Andrea in the mirror, in her bedroom kissing a small woman with flowing blond hair. She must be dreaming. She blinked again. No, she wasn’t asleep. Now the woman kissed Andrea. So she has a girlfriend. That’s why she’d been jerking her around, teasing, flirting, coming close, then pulling away.

  Darcy moaned softly but not so softly that Francine didn’t hear. Francine stood and put her knitting down. Darcy closed her eyes and felt the air shift as Francine passed her. When she opened her eyes again the door was closed. She wondered whether they were in there having sex, but then she heard the creak of the elevator going down. The woman must be leaving. Maybe they’d already had sex while she was sleeping.

  She lay there in pained silence. She’d been sure that Andrea was attracted to her, if not in love with her, but she’d sworn not to pursue Andrea if she was in a relationship. It would be too painful seeing her every day knowing there was no hope. And, how embarrassing that she’d told all her friends she was in love with Andrea and they would be together. She would stay cool and not let on that she knew, but as soon as she could, she would ease Andrea out. Chalk up another failure for Ms. Darcy Silver, world’s biggest fuck-up.

  Chapter Thirty

  Andrea dashed out of Central Park and ran toward the house, bemoaning the loss of the sense of peace and calm that running used to bring. Nowadays rather than clearing her mind, it left her brain free to obsess about Darcy’s thrusting her aside and anticipate another lonely day filled with tension and angst. For the thousandth time in the last two weeks she tried to figure out what had changed between her and Darcy. It was as if the minute she decided to tell Darcy she was in love with her, she’d pulled away and had continued to be distant. When Darcy was like that, there was no talking to her.

  They were rarely alone anymore. Darcy’s days and evenings were crowded with visits from the inner circle and other friends Andrea hadn’t met before. Almost every morning and afternoon one or more women appeared to discuss books or politics or music, and almost every day there were guests for lunch and dinner. What really hurt was that Darcy subtly excluded her so that she ate alone or sat off to the side like the hired help she was. In the little time they spent by themselves, Darcy listened to music or read a book. When Andrea tried to talk about it, Darcy cut her off, saying she wasn’t feeling so vulnera
ble and needy anymore and Andrea must be reacting to her feeling stronger and more independent. How could she argue with that? Hadn’t she been the one to say that Darcy’s feelings for her weren’t real? Yet, she felt sure that wasn’t true but really she had no idea what the truth was.

  Karin encouraged her to declare her love to Darcy, pointing out that otherwise she was condemning herself to the same unrequited love she’d suffered with Julie. But Darcy had indicated clearly that she wasn’t interested in hearing what Andrea had to say and became cruel and cutting whenever Andrea tried to broach the subject.

  Today was the big day. Unless there was some unforeseen problem, Darcy would be cast-free and the hard work of strengthening her legs and learning to walk again would begin. She’d promised Darcy she would stay until she didn’t need her or she fired her. She would give it another few days but this hostile environment was too painful and if nothing changed, she’d leave.

  Andrea showered and dressed, took a deep breath, then knocked and walked into Darcy’s room. For the last two weeks, Francine had been washing and dressing Darcy and now that her arms were stronger, she needed only one person to move her, so she was already in the wheelchair. Andrea told herself it made more sense for Francine to wash and dress her because Francine was a nurse. But she knew it had nothing to do with more sense and everything to do with Darcy pushing her away. “Good morning, ladies.” It was becoming more and more difficult to remain upbeat.

  Darcy cleared her throat. “Since Jennifer’s the one who’s going to woman-handle my legs once the casts come off, I’ve asked her to go with me to Dr. Stern’s office this morning. You’re welcome to come or stay here, if you prefer.”

  “I’m going to run along now. See you two tonight. Good luck today, Darcy.” Francine ducked out.

  Darcy’s words sliced through Andrea. Struggling for control, she turned to look at the chart. Francine had left a note:

  Andrea, what the hell is going on. Darcy’s not sleeping and if she does drop off she wakes up crying. She doesn’t talk to Jennifer and she barely talks to me. She won’t say what’s wrong. Have you two had a fight?

  She added a note to the chart for Francine.

  She won’t talk to me either. I wish I knew what was going on. If things don’t get better in a couple of days, I’ll leave.

  Then she turned her attention to the numbers. Darcy’s pressure had been creeping back up. She took a breath. “Your pressure is higher again this morning. I’d like to listen to your heart.” Without waiting for approval, she lifted Darcy’s blouse and put the stethoscope over her heart. She felt Darcy’s breath on her face and inhaled her spicy fragrance. If only she could see what was in this heart. Very sluggish. She would have to let Julie know. She avoided Darcy’s eyes as she straightened up. “Not so good, Darcy. I think the blockage is worse.” Her eyes went to the birds flying in and out of the feeders Carlo had finally gotten someone to hang outside the windows several weeks ago, then she turned to face Darcy. “Would you rather I didn’t come with you this morning?”

  Darcy shrugged. “Totally up to you.”

  “Please tell me what’s wrong, Darcy? Did I do something to hurt you? What’s happened to us?”

  Darcy laughed. “Us?”

  Andrea recognized that harsh laugh, that anger pushing away hurt laugh. “Yes, us.”

  Darcy’s lip curled into a snarl. “There is no us. I’ve told you, just as you predicted, as soon as I felt stronger and more independent, I realized I wasn’t in love with you. It was all an illusion.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  Darcy avoided her eyes. “Too bad. I guess it’s nice to feel wanted, huh? You know, I’ve been thinking that Francine could do what you do and cheaper too. So maybe it’s time I let you go.” She laughed, that harsh sound again. “What is it you said? Oh, right, you would stay until I was strong or I fired you.”

  “You want me to leave?” Andrea fingered the emerald pendant she wore under her shirt.

  Darcy’s eyes sparked. “It’s time, don’t you think?”

  “No. But you’ve become hateful and the atmosphere is toxic so maybe it is time. Would it be all right if I come to Dr. Stern’s office with you and then leave?”

  “I’m not that independent yet. Could you stay until Francine comes back tonight? I’ll give her a call later and make sure she and Jennifer are willing to move in for a few weeks.”

  “Whatever you want, Darcy. I won’t leave until I’m sure you have somebody with you. Oh, there’s the breakfast cart. Do you want me to eat in the other room? I’ll leave the door open.” Andrea needed to escape. She couldn’t believe this was happening.

  Darcy flashed her killer smile. “No, let’s have our meals together today, if that’s okay.”

  Andrea’s heart leapt at the sight of that smile. Maybe she’d change her mind.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  What should have been a day of celebration was depressing and sad. The X-rays looked good and the casts came off. Darcy insisted on trying to stand and got quiet when her legs couldn’t hold her. She looked away as Andrea tried to comfort her, to explain that it would take time. When Darcy reached for Jennifer’s hand, Andrea struggled to keep from breaking down.

  The three of them were eating lunch in the garden when Darcy told Jennifer that Andrea was leaving and she hoped she and Francine would move in until she was back on her feet.

  Jennifer paled. “Why—”

  Darcy put her hand up. “It’s time, that’s why.”

  Jennifer’s head swiveled between Darcy and Andrea trying to understand what was going on. The ensuing silence was rife with tension and they avoided looking at each other. Jennifer excused herself to go to the bathroom. When she returned, the three of them went upstairs so Jennifer could begin working on Darcy’s legs. This time there was no joking as Jennifer gently manipulated Darcy’s knees to bend them. Darcy moaned and looked ready to cry. Andrea longed to comfort her but feared she’d be attacked if she dared offer encouragement, so she miserably watched Darcy miserably endure the therapy, which a totally confused Jennifer miserably performed. All three sighed with relief at the end of the session. Jennifer departed immediately.

  Andrea and Darcy were in the garden not relating at all when Francine called. Darcy told her Andrea was leaving and asked if she and Jennifer could move in for a few weeks. There was a long discussion with Darcy grunting ‘yes,’ ‘no,’ ‘okay,’ ‘I’ll ask,’ then she hung up. She stared at Andrea for a minute. “They need a couple of days to get things together before they can move in. Are you able to stay or should I call the agency?”

  Andrea considered saying ‘fuck you,’ but really she didn’t want to leave without trying to straighten this out with Darcy. “I’ll stay as long as you want me.”

  They ate dinner in morose silence. Andrea stacked the dishes on the cart and wheeled it into the kitchen. When she returned to the garden, Darcy spoke. “Dr. Trapani, would you mind helping me get ready for bed? Francine can’t get here until eleven tonight.”

  “Certainly, if you like.” She used her doctor voice and her doctor face to cover her pain.

  Darcy nodded and looked away.

  At nine thirty, she wheeled Darcy upstairs. The ritual that used to feel connected and pleasurable was now painful for Andrea. Not only was Darcy much more independent, but she was also cold and distant. Helping Darcy with the most intimate things, Andrea felt invisible, unseen, as if she was a servant and of no consequence. The loss was devastating. Using the nightlight, Andrea made notes in the chart. Darcy’s blood pressure was higher again tonight and her heart continued to sound labored.

  “Dr. Trapani?”

  There it was again, back to being formal, no teasing, no flirting, just someone to make life easier for her.

  “Please sit with me until Francine gets here. I’m used to having someone with me.”

  “Sure.” But I feel so alone sitting near you, unable to touch you.

  “Not behind me,
next to the bed where I can see you.”

  Andrea moved her chair around to the side of the bed and faced Darcy. It was difficult to see in the dim light of the nightlight but she thought Darcy was staring at her.

  “Thank you. We had a good time while it lasted, didn’t we?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “Please…Dr. Trapani, I can’t explain it any better than I have.”

  She sounded so bereft Andrea was ready to forgive all but there’d been no mention of wanting her to stay. So be it. She’d get through these next few days the best she could and then move on. The best she could.

  Darcy’s breathing deepened into sleep, though it was ragged, as if her heart was working hard. She woke once and cried out. “Andrea, please.” Andrea put a hand on her chest. “I’m here, Darcy.” Her eyes opened. Andrea caressed her face. “It’s only a dream, sweetie, relax and try to sleep.” Darcy closed her eyes and in a few minutes was asleep again.

  Around eleven, Francine beckoned her out into the hall.

  “Is Darcy out of her freaking mind? How can you leave?”

  “To be frank, I can’t tolerate this toxic atmosphere much longer.” Andrea raised her shoulders. “Besides, she wants me to go. She said you can do what I do so she doesn’t need me anymore. You can do what I’m doing for sure, but there’s something she’s not saying. She seems to be struggling.”

  “You think maybe her brain isn’t getting enough oxygen because her heart is not pumping enough?”

  Andrea shook her head. “I don’t know.”

  “I told her we need a couple of days. I’m hoping that’s enough time for you to knock some sense into her.”

  “How did you know?”

  “Jennifer called me from the bathroom after Darcy told her.”