Matters of the Heart

by Catherine Maiorisi

  Later, after she forked the last of Darcy’s dinner into her mouth, Andrea gave her a sip of iced tea, then wiped her lips. “Would you like to take a long walk with me tomorrow, then have dinner out?”

  Darcy’s breath caught. “Are you asking me for a date, my lovely Andrea?”

  Andrea blushed. “A celebration of sorts. Just the two of us enjoying dinner out.”

  Andrea considered the unspoken question between them. Well, she’d opened the door and she owed it to Darcy to be honest. “Before you begin to feed yourself.”

  “Andrea, I…”

  “Something wrong, Darcy?”

  “Uh, no. Where should we go?”

  “It’s a surprise.”

  Jennifer visibly relaxed when she found Darcy smiling and in a better mood the next morning. She used one- and two-pound weights to begin to strengthen and rotate the left arm, then switched to heavier weights for the right. She enjoyed Darcy’s obvious pleasure as she massaged both arms at the end of the session. “You’re very resilient, Darcy. You’ll regain your full strength quickly so by the time the casts come off your legs your arms will be strong enough to support you.”

  The three of them had lunch together and before leaving Jennifer helped Andrea move Darcy into bed for a nap. At three Gregg and Andrea put her back into the wheelchair and at three thirty Andrea rolled her out to the wheelchair-accessible van waiting in the driveway. She’d already stowed a bag with books, crosswords, the iPod, the bedpan and other necessities. Now she loaded Darcy and strapped her in.

  “We need to talk, Andrea.”

  “Can it wait until we get settled?”

  Darcy shrugged.

  Andrea focused on driving from the east side to West 68th Street and Riverside Boulevard. It took about twenty minutes and the handicapped license plate allowed her to park at the entrance to Riverside Park. Darcy’s eyes lit up when she saw the Hudson River. “I haven’t been to Riverside Park in years.”

  Andrea unloaded them and their bag and wheeled Darcy over to the little street level park. “The path along the water now runs the length of Manhattan. I thought we’d walk uptown for a while then head back here to eat at Pier 1, the outdoor restaurant right below us in the park.”

  “Sounds good.” Darcy pointed to the steep path down to the park. “Are you going to be able to keep my wheelchair from running away down that path?”

  “Trust me.”

  “I do. But it’s still scary.”

  Andrea put her hand on Darcy’s shoulder. “If you’d rather, we can sit here and I’ll get the food and bring it up.”

  Darcy covered Andrea’s hand. “What’s another broken bone or two? Let’s go.”

  They made it down the hill with no problem and headed uptown toward the George Washington Bridge, which seemed to float in the air over the river in the distance.

  Darcy relaxed. Being near the water spoke to her soul: the briny smell, the steady rise and fall of the tide, the sound of it. Maybe she was a mermaid, or, more likely, a shark, in a previous life. Whatever the reason, it felt wonderful to be here. She reached back for Andrea’s hand and miraculously it was there. Maybe they would be able to maintain the intimacy without her having to be fed for the rest of her life. She certainly didn’t want to be in that position.

  When they hit the 79th Street Boat Basin, Andrea stopped to rest on a bench. “Have you ever dreamed of living on a boat?”

  “A big boat in the tropics, maybe.” Darcy stared at the boats bobbing on the water. “Living on a boat in the middle of Manhattan has its appeal, but it would be a mite too claustrophobic for me. Besides, I’ll bet it’s freezing in the winter.”

  “Probably. A few boats moor here year-round but most leave when it gets cold.” Andrea stood. “Shall we?” She pushed Darcy a little way, then veered right, through a short tunnel and up a steep incline.

  “Why are we going here rather than along the water?”

  “Did you see the movie, You’ve Got Mail?”

  “The one with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, about his big bookstore driving her small one out of business?”

  “That’s the one.” She stopped. “These flower gardens are where they meet at the end.”

  Andrea took a slug of water. “Drink. I don’t want you to get dehydrated.” As she moved the bottle toward Darcy’s mouth, it slipped.

  Without thinking, Darcy caught the bottle in her right hand.

  Andrea’s jaw dropped. They both stared at the water bottle clutched in her right hand.

  “You’re not left-handed, are you Darcy?”

  “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

  “Really? To confess that you lied to me?”

  “I didn’t mean to. The day the cast came off, you remarked I’d be feeding myself in a couple of days. Smartass that I am, I said I was left-handed as a joke. But once I said it, I realized I didn’t want to lose the intimacy of you feeding me.” She shrugged. “And it was only for a week or two.”

  “And all this time you’ve been pretending?” Andrea wheeled Darcy to a bench facing the garden and sat with the wheelchair at her side. “So this little celebration of ours is kind of a farce, isn’t it?” Andrea leaned over, elbows on her knees, head in her hands. “Is this why you were upset yesterday?”

  “Yes. I didn’t know how to tell you.” Darcy put her hand on Andrea’s thigh. “I was stupid, but please don’t be angry, Andrea. Until the weekend on Fire Island it was the main way we connected and the thought of losing it was scary.” Darcy rubbed Andrea’s thigh. She flinched but didn’t move away. “Please don’t punish me for wanting you…needing to be close to you.”

  Andrea lifted her head and stared straight ahead at the garden. She didn’t speak. After what seemed like an eternity, she sighed. “I’m hurt that you lied, that you couldn’t just ask for what you wanted.”

  “Until this weekend when you chose to sleep with me, it seemed you were intent on pushing me away so I went with the lie to stay close.”

  Andrea nodded, considering what Darcy said. “I’m sorry I’ve made it difficult for you.”

  “I’ll forgive you, if you forgive me and allow us to have our celebratory dinner.”

  Andrea turned and met Darcy’s eyes. “You’re forgiven. I think.” She touched Darcy’s face. “But no more lies.”

  Relief flooded Darcy. “No more lies.” Fighting the impulse to kiss Andrea she shifted her eyes to the riot of color in the gardens and took a deep breath. “Who are the people digging around in there?”

  “Volunteers. They plant and maintain the gardens.”

  Darcy drank some water. “Is this where you run when you’re not living with me?”

  “Yes.” Andrea looked around with a smile on her face. “It’s nice, isn’t it?”

  “I love running on the beach. This would be a great substitute, if I ever run again.”

  “You will, Darcy. It’s going to take time and hard work and maybe heart surgery before you get there, but with your spirit and a lot of sweat and some pain, I believe you’ll run again, wherever you want.”

  They watched the gardeners for a while. “Do you live near here?”

  “Not too far.”

  “Could I visit your apartment?” Darcy wanted to know as much as possible about Andrea; maybe her apartment would give up some of her secrets.

  “Let’s see how we feel after dinner. If not tonight, another time.”

  Hmm. She probably doesn’t live with anybody. That’s a good sign.

  “Is it a brownstone?”

  “No. One of the Upper West Side prewar buildings. I grew up there and my parents bought it when it converted to condos.”

  “You live with your parents?”

  Andrea laughed. “No. I left New York after high school to go to Harvard. I also went to medical school there, then did my internship and residency in Chicago. Right after I came back to New York about six years ago, they gave me the apartment and moved back to Sicily.”

  “
Were your parents here for work?”

  “We came to New York City because my dad was offered a tenured professorship at Columbia University.”

  Darcy leaned forward, her excitement palpable. “Is your dad Gaetano Trapani?”

  “Yes. I wondered if you’d read him.”

  Darcy was practically levitating out of her wheelchair. “Not only read him, I took classes with him. I have all his books. He’s a great historian and a fabulous teacher.”

  “Do you think he’d remember you?”

  Darcy shrugged. “It was a long time ago. He encouraged me to get a PhD but I doubt he’d remember me. Is your mother a professor as well?”

  “She’s a physician. She gave up practicing medicine to come here with him. But she did medical research and, in fact, invented a number of medical procedures and devices that made her wealthy. More wealthy, actually.”

  “So you come from money and you’re not after mine?”

  “No, not your money.”

  “And medicine is in your veins?”

  “Not exactly. I’m adopted so I don’t have her blood in my veins, but she is in my heart.” Andrea looked at her hands. “I wanted to be like her, make her proud.”

  “I’ll bet you have. So they saw this adorable little thing and plucked you out of the orphanage? How old were you?”

  “About three and a half. And it didn’t happen that way. My parents were living in Milan but were in Trapani for the holidays. Christmas Eve my mother went to the church of St. Andreas for midnight mass. On the way out, she noticed a woman in a back pew clutching an adorable little girl asleep in her arms. The woman looked so distraught my mom started to approach her but she averted her eyes and made no move to leave as the church emptied so Mom figured the woman was waiting for someone.

  “Mom didn’t think much about it until she went out for her early morning walk at six thirty the next morning and noticed me asleep on a blanket, on the steps, alone except for a rag doll I was clutching. A small suitcase was next to me. My mom sat nearby waiting for the woman to return so she could give her a piece of her mind but when the little girl woke and started crying for her mama, she figured out I’d been there all night waiting for my birth mother to come back for me. She took me home.” Andrea took the bottle of water from Darcy and took a long drink, then handed it back.

  “My birth certificate and a note addressed to them was pinned inside my jacket and the same note was in the suitcase along with some pictures of me with my birth mama, her with my birth father, and some clothes.

  “The note said she’d had an affair with my father, a married man, while he was in Italy working on a short-term assignment. She found out she was pregnant six weeks after he went home to America but they hadn’t exchanged last names or contact information and she didn’t have any idea how to find him. Now almost four years later she had cancer and was dying and hoped her daughter would be adopted by Professor and Dr. Trapani. By the time they located her, she was dead.”

  “Wow, seems like fate.”

  “The church is right across the street from our palazzo so most anyone who found me would probably have brought me to my parents but it did seem serendipitous that it was my mom who found me.”

  “And is Andrea your birth name?” Darcy wanted to know everything about this woman.

  “No. It was Claudia, but they changed it to honor St. Andreas, the patron of the church where I was found.”

  “Andrea suits you.” Darcy was silent for a minute. “Your father is a count or something and the town is named after your family, right?”

  “Yes. In fact, my mother is a Trapani, as well. Mom and Dad are second cousins so when they married, they agreed not to have children. Having me dropped into their lives seemed like a miracle to them.”

  Though her story was well known in Trapani, here in the US only Karin and Julie had heard it. For some reason, she’d never shared it with any of her other American friends or casual lovers, like Nora. And now, here she was babbling to Darcy. But Darcy was special.

  “Hey, are you in there?” Darcy tapped lightly on Andrea’s head. “I didn’t mean to upset you. Come back to me, please.”

  Andrea smiled. “You didn’t upset me. I was just wondering why I told you all that. Only my two best friends know the story.”

  “Maybe we’re getting close? Maybe you love me. Or maybe, you just felt like talking today? We’ll never know, but I feel privileged to learn something only people special to you know.” Darcy picked up Andrea’s hand and kissed her palm. “I like being special to you.”

  Andrea’s body fired up instantaneously. Her feelings were escalating, yet she was unable to say ‘I love you.’ No wonder Darcy felt she had to lie, she must feel like a yoyo in Andrea’s hands. She laughed to cover her feelings and got to her feet. “It’s past our dinnertime. Are you getting hungry?”

  “Are you afraid of me, Andrea?”

  Andrea sat again. “What do you mean?”

  “I feel so connected to you. I can’t believe you don’t feel it too.”

  “I feel it, Darcy. And, no I’m not afraid of you.” I don’t know what I’m afraid of. She avoided Darcy’s eyes. “How about we walk back to the restaurant?”

  Darcy studied her for a minute. “Sure. That’s why we’re here, isn’t it?”

  Yes. A celebratory dinner to mourn the loss of intimacy through feeding. She found them a table and placed the wheelchair so they were facing the water, then she went up to the counter to select and order their dinners. Mahi-mahi tacos for her, quinoa salad with grilled shrimp for Darcy, two beers.

  She brought the beers back and sat with Darcy waiting for the buzzer thing they’d given her to flash so she could pick up their dinners. Darcy enjoyed people watching, making up stories for people she felt were interesting. They both jumped when the thing buzzed. They laughed, and Andrea went to get their dinners.

  With all the conversations around them and so many people walking by, it was hard to feel the usual intense connection. Maybe it was the lie or maybe they’d both already let it go and the eating was just business as usual.

  “Andrea?”

  Andrea looked at Darcy. “What do you need?”

  Darcy held Andrea’s eyes, picked up a shrimp with her fingers, and fed it to her.

  Andrea felt a surge of warmth, felt as if she was falling into the sapphire-blue eyes, felt surrounded by love.

  Darcy touched her face gently. “Am I forgiven?”

  She chewed slowly. “Yes.”

  Darcy smiled and put another shrimp into Andrea’s mouth.

  As she chewed, Andrea fed Darcy some mahi-mahi.

  And so it went. In the midst of hundreds of people, they were alone in an erotic cocoon. Andrea felt as if Darcy was touching her and her body burned with desire.

  When they were finished feeding each other, they each dabbed at the other’s mouth with their napkins. Darcy took Andrea’s hand and kissed her palm, then broke eye contact. They sat holding hands without speaking and stared at the river.

  “Time to go home. Francine will be arriving soon.” Andrea had planned to use this evening to ease the loss of the intimacy the feeding had provided but somehow, it hadn’t been like that. It felt like they’d made love, just the opposite of what she’d meant to happen. Or was it?

  “Okay.”

  Andrea tossed their garbage and gathered their things. She yearned to talk about what had just happened, about her feelings, but once she opened that Pandora’s box there would be no going back.

  As she knelt to strap Darcy’s wheelchair into the van, she looked up and Darcy captured her eyes again. They both leaned forward as if to kiss, then Andrea caught herself and stood. She climbed into the driver’s seat and with her back to Darcy said, “Big day tomorrow, you need to go right to bed when we get back.” They were quiet on the crosstown trip and Andrea was relieved to see Francine sitting on the front steps waiting for them.

  * * *

  The inner circle came over
the next evening to celebrate the unveiling of Darcy’s left arm. Jennifer stayed late and Francine came early for the popping of the champagne.

  Andrea circulated and talked with everyone. Darcy was celebrating but despite their outing yesterday was still mourning the loss of what she considered their most intimate connection. Darcy’s face lit up when Candace arrived looking considerably better than the last time they’d seen her and they sat holding hands and talking for a long time. Darcy gave Candace her full attention but every once in a while her eyes found Andrea’s and held them briefly.

  “Jealous?” Andrea jumped. Elle had come up behind her and spoken softly into her ear. Andrea started to deny it, but then shrugged. “Is it so obvious?”

  “To everyone but Darcy. She’s still not sure. What’s the problem, Andrea? A wife and four kids somewhere? A girlfriend? Or, I don’t know, you just hate nice, beautiful, intelligent, wealthy dykes?”

  Andrea smiled. “What if I hurt her, Elle?”

  Elle studied her. “What if she hurts you? There’s always that risk when you love someone.” Elle put an arm over Andrea’s shoulders. “Trust your heart, Andrea, and get your mind out of the way. She’s worth it.” Elle kissed her cheek. “And you two are wonderful together. Call me if you want to talk, but right now I think she needs you.”

  Andrea followed Elle’s nod. Darcy was staring at the two of them. Andrea smiled and mouthed, “Coming.”

  “Enjoying your party?”

  “Sorta.”

  “Are you tired?”

  “Sorta.”

  “Feeling decisive tonight?”

  “Sorta.”

  Andrea bent and looked into her eyes. “Sorta, doesn’t sound like the Darcy I know. What can I do for you, sweetie?”

  Darcy closed her eyes. “Stay with me.”

  Andrea was afraid to ask whether she meant now or forever, so she pulled a chair over and sat. Darcy put her hand on Andrea’s arm. As always, Darcy’s touch set her on fire. Why didn’t she just tell her? God help her, she was giving Darcy such mixed signals that she probably had no idea what to make of her. It was time to talk to Karin, to try to cut through the shit in her head.