Matters of the Heart

by Catherine Maiorisi

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  It was done. Andrea was gone. And with her, Darcy’s heart. Incapable of dealing with questions from Francine and Jennifer she put the recliner back and closed her eyes. She knew they could see she was crying, but she’d just sent the love of her life away and she couldn’t stop. Was this how Candace felt about her? Poor baby. And selfish Darcy hadn’t even noticed. At least Andrea knew she was suffering, knew she loved her. And, part of her felt Andrea loved her, or at least was sexually attracted, but she was committed to someone else and she’d sworn to not pursue her if she was already committed. They’d come close to making love this morning. Darcy admired Andrea for stopping them, for not cheating on her lover, but she still wanted Andrea, could still smell that perfume or soap or whatever it was that was so tantalizing. She had considered telling Andrea she didn’t want to wash so she could hold on to her fragrance but the need to be touched by her won out.

  What was she supposed to do now? Live alone, date placeholder women and pretend she was happy? Been there, done that, as they say. At least before she’d had hopes of meeting the one destined for her, but now she’d found her and lost her. There was no future for her. Living without Andrea was unthinkable.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Andrea spent the first day and night in bed crying. She did the same the second day until Julie and Karin showed up after they’d finished working, then she spent the night crying in the arms of one or the other of them. The following day was Saturday. Her pillow was soaked when she woke. At ten a.m., Karin and Julie used their key to get in, made her dress, took her for a long walk and then out for brunch. They spent the rest of the day together, at the movies, dinner out and watching TV until late. She cried off and on throughout the day and the night.

  By the time Karin and Julie arrived Sunday morning, New York Times and bagels in hand, Andrea was exhausted from crying and lack of sleep so the three of them spent a quiet day. Julie and Karin read the papers and the books they’d brought with them while Andrea slept on the sofa with her head in one or the other of their laps.

  Monday morning Andrea intended to get up and run as she’d promised Karin and Julie she would, but she couldn’t get Darcy out of her head and she cried until she fell asleep again. When the insistent ringing of the doorbell woke her, she stumbled to the door and peered through the peephole. Tori and Elle were standing there. Her heart flipped. Maybe Darcy was with them. But they were alone. She tried to smile but thought it probably came out as a grimace. “Hi.”

  Elle looked her up and down. “Get dressed, Andrea, we’re going out for breakfast.” Andrea opened her mouth to protest but Elle put her hand up. “Get going.”

  She took a quick shower, threw on jeans and the sweater Darcy loved on her, then collapsed on the bed. Elle and Tori pulled her up into a group hug. After a few minutes, Tori kissed her forehead. “Come, lovely Andrea, let’s get some food into you.”

  Edgar’s Café was busy but they were seated right away.

  Andrea pushed the menu aside. “Just coffee for me.”

  “Uh-uh.” Tori took her hand. “How about the gruyere, arugula and roasted red pepper scramble, Andrea?”

  “I can’t—”

  Tori squeezed her hand. “Yes, you can.”

  She didn’t have the strength to fight. “Okay, with multigrain toast, no butter.” She drank some coffee. “How’s Darcy?”

  “About the same as you. A total mess,” Elle said. “She won’t talk about it, even to Tori, which is a first. She’s not eating or sleeping much. We’ve spoken to Julie and Karin and they, the inner circle, and Francine and Jennifer are extremely worried about the two of you. What’s going on?”

  Andrea stared into her coffee cup, trying to avoid crying. “I don’t know. I finally got up my nerve to tell her I was in love with her but that morning when I went into her room she was distant and angry and wouldn’t say what was wrong. Later that day, she told me I was right, she’d mistaken being dependent and vulnerable and needy, for love.”

  “Do you believe her?” Elle took Andrea’s hand and rubbed it between hers.

  “No. In fact, the night before I left she asked me to sleep on the bed with her and when she thought I was asleep she whispered that she loved me.”

  “Why then—”

  “I don’t know why, Tori.” Her voice was filled with anguish. “She would only repeat that she didn’t love me. She wouldn’t tell me what had changed, or answer any questions or explain. Then she got cold and nasty, which usually means she’s feeling afraid, but I can’t imagine what she’s afraid of.”

  “Oh, honey. I’m so sorry she’s doing this to you and I’m worried sick about her. She’s hardly eating. Jennifer says her legs are getting stronger but she’s getting weaker.” Tori rubbed her eyes. “I don’t know how to reach her. Francine is the only one she’ll let near her. She pretends to be asleep when anyone else comes in the room, even Maria and Carlo. And she refused to participate in a therapeutic intervention with the inner circle. It’s almost as if she’s trying to kill herself.”

  The three of them walked along the water in Riverside Park for another hour, they talked and cried some more, then Tori and Elle left Andrea to go visit Darcy. Andrea sat on a bench facing the boat basin, crying, not caring that people stared as they passed. By evening, she felt numb and went home to bed.

  The next day she woke and realized she wanted to be alone. She went to the park and spent the day sitting or walking by the water, remembering. She didn’t answer her phone but she did call Karin and Julie periodically during the day to reassure them she was all right.

  After another day spent mourning in the park, she woke thinking she was wallowing. She’d survived disease-infected villages in remote jungles, faced down a medicine man who threatened to stick his spear in her throat, delivered babies with bombs falling around her, fought off meth crazies in the emergency room, and spent the night alone on the steps of a church when she was little more than three years old. She could survive this pain. She could survive this loss. She could make a fulfilling life for herself helping people in need. She pulled on her running clothes and sneakers, and went to the park to run.

  It was as if a fever had broken. After one of the loneliest and most painful weeks of her life, she invited Karin and Julie to join her for dinner at Fred’s, a favorite neighborhood restaurant.

  Julie studied Andrea for a moment, then reached across the table and took her hand. “How are you feeling?”

  “Better. Well, not totally, but I’m not wallowing and I’m not paralyzed. I’ve started eating, as you’ll witness when we order. And I’ve decided to go home to Sicily to get some TLC from my parents. When I feel up to it, I’ll sign on for a tour with Doctors Without Borders. I’m not sure when I’ll come back to New York City.”

  The day after her dinner with Julie and Karin, she stopped by Bonasola for lunch to say goodbye to Tori and Elle and to ask about Darcy. “Not well,” Elle said. “Actually, awful.”

  It pained her to hear it and she was tempted to stop in to try to talk to Darcy, but she reminded herself that Darcy didn’t want her. She did, however, run in for a few minutes to say goodbye to Maria and Carlo. The three of them had a good cry. Later that night she called Francine to let her know her plans and give her the address in Sicily.

  Five days later, Andrea was sitting in the Alitalia lounge in JFK, staring unseeing out the windows at planes taking off and landing. In two hours, she would board the flight to Sicily. She’d gone there to reassemble the pieces of her heart after Julie had broken up with her. She doubted her heart would heal this time, but the tranquility of Trapani and the love of her parents and family would help her move on with her life.

  “Dr. Andrea Trapani, please report to the Alitalia desk. Dr. Andrea Trapani please report to the Alitalia desk. Call for Dr. Andrea Trapani.”

  Hearing her name startled her. She’d left her cell phone with Julie and Karin since it wouldn’t work in Sicily and one
of them was probably calling to make sure she’d made it to the airport. She identified herself at the desk and took the phone.

  “Dr. Trapani.”

  “Dr. Trapani, it’s Marion from Dr. Castillo’s office. Karin asked me to call you. Dr. Castillo has an emergency and is asking for you.”

  “Is Julie all right?”

  “I’m not sure what the situation is. All I know is Karin said Dr. Castillo needs you and you should get to the hospital as soon as possible. I’ve arranged for a police car to bring you there. It should be waiting outside.”

  “Oh, my God. Tell her I’m on my way.” She grabbed her carry-on and ran out to the waiting police car. Siren blasting, they made it into the city in record time. Andrea prayed Julie was all right.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Karin was standing at the emergency entrance of New York Presbyterian when the police car pulled up. Andrea thanked them and jumped out. She ran into Karin’s arms. “Is Julie all right? What happened?”

  “Come.” Karin dragged her inside and into the elevator. “Julie is fine. She has Darcy on the table and she’s losing her. She thinks you can give her a reason to live but she didn’t think you’d come if she told you that.”

  “You lied?” Andrea pulled away from Karin. “Don’t you get that Darcy doesn’t want me? Or do you two think having the pleasure of watching her die will help me forget I love her?” She paced in the cramped elevator, trying to control her anger. “I’ll never forgive either of you for bringing me here to watch her die.”

  Karin touched her face gently. “The important thing is, will you ever forgive yourself for not trying to save her?”

  The elevator door slid open.

  Andrea glared at Karin, then her shoulders slumped. “No.”

  “Then go scrub in.” Karin pushed her toward the OR.

  A nurse was waiting with a pair of Julie’s scrubs. Andrea changed and washed up, then entered the OR. She couldn’t see Darcy on the table but she could see the monitor. Karin hadn’t exaggerated. They were losing her.

  Julie smiled as she entered. “Hey, there’s Dr. Trapani. See Darcy, I told you Andrea was coming. She’s here now and she’ll tell you herself that she’s in love with you and wants to spend the rest of her life with you.”

  All eyes swiveled to her. She flushed from her toes to her scalp. What now?

  “Make room for Dr. Trapani at Darcy’s head, she has a lot to say to Darcy. Most of it is private and we don’t want her to have to scream it across the room. Don’t be shy, Andrea, just pretend we’re not here.”

  Andrea knew the playful tone was for Darcy but she was embarrassed. What was she supposed to do, pour her heart out in a room full of doctors, residents, interns and nurses? She moved through the crowd to Darcy. She looked awful—bloodless, with tubes and drips and wires—and beautiful. And she was dying right in front of her. “Darcy sweetie,” she spoke softly, “it’s Andrea.”

  “Speak up, Andrea, we want to be sure Darcy hears you. And, somebody get Darcy’s hand free from the blanket and let Andrea hold it, so Darcy knows we’re not playing a recording of her voice.”

  Andrea entwined her fingers with Darcy’s and ran her thumb back and forth. She glanced at the monitor. Darcy’s pressure was dropping. She forgot about the room full of people. “Oh, God, Darcy, please don’t leave me. I am so in love with you and I know you feel the same. I don’t know what the problem is but I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you. Please don’t give up.”

  “Look at that spike. Keep going Andrea.”

  Andrea glanced up at the monitor. Things were looking better. “Almost from the moment we met, well you were vile when we met, but not too long after, I was falling for you and your flirtatious ways. I’ve never met anyone who could make love with her eyes. Some of the most intimate times I’ve ever had in my life were our meals together, feeding you, seeing the love and the want in those gorgeous sapphire eyes of yours. Please, Darcy, don’t give up. I need you to live.” A sob escaped. “I don’t know if I can go on without you.”

  “Yes.”

  She looked up at Julie’s shout. The monitor displayed normal readings. There wasn’t a dry eye in the OR.

  “Hey, somebody dry the surgeon’s eyes before she screws this up.” Julie’s voice was hoarse with emotion. A nurse leaned in and dabbed Julie’s eyes. “Keep talking, Andrea.”

  Andrea looked around. Everyone was nodding. What the hell. If exposing her feelings would keep Darcy alive, so be it. She kissed Darcy’s forehead, her eyes, her cheeks, her palm. “Come on, love. Eye sex is great but you owe me some real sex.” She looked up at the laugh. The monitor had spiked. “Please forgive me, sweetie, for not telling you I was in love with you. I was afraid, not because of you, but because of old stuff that Karin helped me work out. I’ll tell you about that when you wake up. Some things are too personal to talk about in front of a roomful of colleagues.”

  “When you asked me to share your house in Fire Island, it felt like a marriage proposal. I wanted to say yes, I’ll share your house. I’ll share your life. I didn’t say it then but I’m saying it now. If you live, I’ll never leave you again.”

  “And, when you set me up so I had to sleep in the king-sized bed with you in Fire Island and I woke up draped over you, you were polite enough to not point out that despite what I had said about professional distance, I was the one who had rolled across this gigantic space and wrapped my arm around you. I don’t know how somebody whose arms and legs are in casts, whose body is bruised, who can hardly move, could be so sexy. And that last morning, I don’t know where I found the strength to get out of bed without making love. Or why, actually.”

  “Fight, sweetie, fight for us, we have a wonderful future ahead of us.” She talked for more than three hours, going over the things they did, the things they would do, how much she loved her, how important it was that she live. She said it in English, repeated it in Italian, then said it in English again.

  “Okay, let’s sew her up.” Julie stepped aside. “Josh, you have the steadiest and finest hand, let’s see how small a scar we can leave. She stood behind Andrea and wrapped her arms around her. “Darcy, we’re almost done here. Everything looks good. I’m sending you and Andrea to the cardiac intensive care unit. You still have some work to do but Andrea will be there to take care of you. I’m going to insist on no sex of any kind in the CICU, kissing and hand holding will have to suffice.”

  She kissed Andrea’s cheek. “I’m going to keep her sedated to give her time to rest. Then, if she can breathe on her own, I’ll remove the breathing tube while she’s asleep to minimize her stress when she wakes up.”

  She turned to address the room. “Ladies and gentlemen, you were privileged this evening to hear some very personal and intimate details from our colleague, Dr. Trapani. If I learn that anyone has repeated anything Dr. Trapani unselfishly shared to save our patient, you will pay dearly. Now, if, on the other hand, any of you want to go home and have eye sex or any other sex with a spouse or partner, you have my permission. I think I’ll try the feeding thing, myself.”

  Andrea punched her in the arm. “So how did you get a police car to drive me here?”

  Julie laughed. “Special privileges granted to the surgeon who saved the life of a very important police chief.”

  Andrea followed Darcy into the CICU and once they had her hooked up to the various machines and feeds, held her hand, touched her face and watched the monitors. Darcy’s vitals continued to look good. Within an hour, it was clear that while they may not have known the details, every nurse in the recovery room, every nurse and doctor who peeked in, and, many did, knew the gist of what had happened in the OR and how much she loved Darcy.

  But did Darcy know? No question Darcy had responded to her voice but did the words and the feelings seep into her unconscious brain? And, even if they had and she now knew Andrea loved her, did that change her feelings? Andrea would never regret exposing her love to give Darcy a reason to fight
. But what if Darcy didn’t love her or worse, what if she did love her but still didn’t want her in her life? Rather than welcome Andrea back, Darcy might ask her to leave. Again. After all, it was Julie, not Darcy, who’d invited her into the OR.

  Realizing she was depressing herself, she started talking again, telling Darcy all about their future together, where they would go, what they would do. After a while, she dozed off, still holding Darcy’s hand.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Darcy came to consciousness slowly, puzzling over the whooshing and beeping sounds and her aching body. She was too exhausted to open her eyes. Besides, if she did she would lose the feelings from her dreams. In her dreams, Andrea had been with her in a hospital. In her dreams, Andrea told her repeatedly that she was in love with her and wanted to be with her forever. In her dreams, she’d been happy.

  She had been so sure that Andrea loved her, had felt it deep in her heart. Yet, she’d let herself doubt it, let herself believe that at the same time the ever-professional Andrea had chosen to sleep with her, at the same time she could see the love in Andrea’s eyes and feel the sizzling sexual tension between them, Andrea had a secret lover. Secret from her at least. But would the woman she loved, the kind, compassionate, sweet, generous, loving Andrea be so duplicitous? And, why? Andrea could easily have said so in the beginning to put an end to Darcy’s piggy comments and constant sexual innuendo. Could she have been mistaken about Andrea having a lover? Why hadn’t she talked to Andrea, asked her about it? Why had she thrust Andrea out of her life? Had she done what she always did, fight up to a point then give up? Why hadn’t she fought for her? Oh, God, had she thrown away the love of her life through cowardice and paranoia and insecurity?

  She wasn’t the only one who thought Andrea was in love with her. For sure, all her friends did. So why couldn’t she talk to any of them about her feelings? What was behind the shame? Was it just the fear of rejection or was there something deep inside that made her so ready to doubt that Andrea could love her? She’d walked away from Tori before Tori could reject her and now she’d done the same with Andrea.