Matters of the Heart

by Catherine Maiorisi

  Maybe it wasn’t too late. Starting today she would mount a campaign to win Andrea. She would get her number from Francine. Where the hell was Francine this morning? Usually she materialized as soon as Darcy came to consciousness, even before she opened her eyes.

  She opened her eyes. And gasped. She was looking into the gorgeous green eyes of the woman of her dreams, eyes filled with love. Was she still dreaming? Where were they? What was all that noise? She tried to ask but she had no voice. Grunting, she struggled to get up, pulling at the wires tying her down. Andrea grabbed her hands and kissed her forehead.

  “Don’t be frightened, sweetie. You had emergency bypass surgery and you’re in the hospital. Your throat is probably sore because you had a breathing tube in, but Dr. Castillo removed it a while ago.” She kissed Darcy’s eyes and stroked her cheek.

  Darcy relaxed, attempted a smile and dozed off.

  The next time Darcy woke Andrea was gripping her hand but she was asleep, her head cradled on one arm on the bed. Was she real? Darcy watched her for a while, then reached out and ran her fingers through her hair. She woke and smiled. A loving smile. Darcy’s heart flipped. Maybe it hadn’t been a dream. She waved her hand around, then raised her eyebrows hoping Andrea would tell her what was going on.

  Andrea spoke over the bleats and beeps of the machines. “You were rushed to the hospital yesterday and Dr. Castillo did an emergency quadruple bypass. It’s hard for you to talk because you were hooked to a ventilator and had a breathing tube in your throat.”

  Darcy’s hand went to her throat.

  “Dr. Castillo removed it while you were still sedated. Are you in pain? Do you need pain medication? Squeeze my hand once for yes, twice for no.”

  Darcy squeezed Andrea’s hand once. Andrea waved the nurse over. “She’s awake and says she’s in pain. Can you give her something?”

  The nurse asked Darcy a few questions then injected medication into one of the IVs they’d inserted into her arms. In a few minutes, she was asleep again. “Dr. Castillo asked me to let her know when you woke up. I’ll give her a call.”

  “Tell her to bring me coffee.” She checked her watch. Six a.m. Julie must be sleeping somewhere close.

  Julie arrived fifteen minutes later. “I hear she woke up.” She handed Andrea a sandwich and a bottle of water. “No hospital sludge for you, Andrea, you need to eat and stay hydrated.”

  The sandwich was warm. She breathed in its tantalizing fragrance and took a bite. Egg, cheese and bacon on a croissant, not the healthiest but delicious, and Darcy was still asleep so she didn’t have to worry about tempting her. “She woke twice, for a few minutes. She was confused but I think she was happy to see me. Roberta gave her something for the pain.”

  Julie drew up a chair. “I apologize. First, for lying to get you here. But, I was losing her and I knew you would feel you had to obey her wishes. And second, for asking you to expose yourself. What you did saved her life. Do you hate me?”

  She reached over and squeezed Julie’s hand. “No, I love you, but don’t expect a public declaration of why or what we did or anything close to that. And, as for your little threatening talk about what happens in the OR stays in the OR, everyone on staff knows what happened, even if they don’t know all the details. I’ve had more hugs and pats on the back since we got to the CICU than in all the years I worked in the ER.”

  “Oh, Andrea, I’m so sorry. I’ll find out who gossiped and make their life miserable.”

  “Forget it, Julie. Everybody knows more intimate details than I would ever share, but it was worth it. Who cares if they know how much I love Darcy? I would do it again if necessary.”

  “Karin was ecstatic to hear the details.” Julie smirked. “I mean that you were able to talk Darcy back.”

  “You are so bad, Julie. You’ll never change. I hope. So are you and Karin really going to try the feeding-eye sex thing? I highly recommend it. Ah, good, you’re blushing.” She drank some water. “Do you know what happened? Why Francine brought her in?”

  “Francine texted me in the late morning yesterday. Darcy’s heartbeat was too slow, she could barely stand and she was sleeping more and more. I was going into the OR to do an angioplasty so I told her to bring her to the hospital in two hours. I had just finished when she arrived in the ambulance with Darcy. She collapsed when Francine was transferring her from the bed to the wheelchair to bring her in. She’d stopped breathing so Jennifer called 911 and Francine gave her mouth-to-mouth until the EMTs got there.”

  “So Francine saved her life?”

  Julie grinned. “You bet she did. She was still a wreck when I went out to talk to Darcy’s family and friends after the surgery. The others were freaked about Darcy’s heart stopping, grateful to Francine for saving her life, and grateful to you for getting her to fight to live, thereby saving her life again. Her aunt and uncle were quite agitated, so I ran them in for a quick look while you were both asleep.”

  “Shit, was I sleeping with my mouth open?”

  “No, my dear, you looked beautiful as always, maybe even more beautiful now that you’re in love with someone who will make you happy rather than sad.”

  “You’re so poetic, Julie. But I still don’t know if she wants me in her life.” She brushed Darcy’s hair back and kissed her forehead.

  Julie yawned. “I want her to rest today so no visitors until seven tonight and only two at a time for ten minutes, every hour. My office will let Francine know and she’ll coordinate with the others. Send for me if she needs me.” She glanced at her wristwatch. “Karin will bring your hospital ID and fresh scrubs for both of us sometime in the early evening when she has a break.”

  She stood and hugged Julie. “Whatever the outcome, you and Karin were right. I would never have forgiven myself if Darcy had died and I hadn’t tried to save her.”

  Darcy slept most of the day. They brought Andrea a tray around five. She dozed after she ate. The nurse was bustling around and Darcy was staring at her when she woke at six thirty. For a second or two she thought Darcy was angry, but then she smiled. She seemed more alert than she had the last couple of times she’d woken. Andrea smiled and leaned over her to brush her lips.

  The nurse looked up from typing something into the computer at Darcy’s bedside. “Ah, good evening, Dr. Trapani, she’s been waiting for you to wake up.”

  Andrea checked the monitor. “Everything still good?”

  The nurse nodded. “What’s your level of pain on a scale of one to ten, Darcy?”

  Darcy held up three fingers. “Good. You’re probably feeling the discomfort of the chest tube and the wounds in your legs where the doctor took the veins. I’ll inform Dr. Castillo you’re awake again. Let me know if the pain gets worse. And don’t forget to use the pad.”

  Darcy nodded, then wrote something on a pad and turned it so Andrea could read it. “I dreamed you said you’re in love with me.”

  “You didn’t dream it. I repeated it over and over to you in the OR in front of a cardiothoracic surgery team of fifteen or more of my colleagues.”

  Darcy appeared puzzled. She wrote, “Why am I here? Why was I in the OR? And, how did you get there?”

  She knew Darcy would probably not remember much the first day in the CICU so she kept the story brief, then smiled into those gorgeous blue eyes and kissed Darcy’s palm.

  Darcy pulled her hand away, wrote something, then turned the page toward her. “You’re in love with me?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Darcy smiled, then frowned and flushed. She said something. Andrea couldn’t understand the words but the pain in Darcy’s face pierced her heart. “Are you in pain? Don’t try to speak. Write it down, sweetie.” She ran her hand over Darcy’s arm.

  Darcy shook her hand off, made a note and flashed the page. “What about your lover?”

  “What? I don’t have a lover. You’re the only one for me.”

  Darcy stared at something behind Andrea. Puzzled, she turned and followed Darcy
’s eyes. Karin had arrived with clean scrubs.

  Andrea looked from Karin to Darcy. “I don’t understand.”

  Darcy wrote again. “Saw you in mirror, hugging and kissing. Looked like post-sex.”

  “Christ, Darcy, I don’t know what…? Oh, my God. Karin?” She waved Karin closer. “Darcy, this is Dr. Karin Simons, Dr. Castillo’s wife.”

  Darcy’s eyebrows shot up. She looked from Andrea to Karin and back. She wrote and turned the page toward them. “And you two were…”

  “No, no.” Andrea was shaking her head. “Karin is one of my closest friends. I asked her for help because the mixed signals I was sending were making us both crazy. We’d been talking in the garden and she came up to my room to get some books. We did hug and, I guess we kissed, but a friendly kiss, not a lover’s. I planned to tell you in the morning I was in love with you.” Andrea stared at Darcy. “You thought we were lovers? Is that why you withdrew from me and became cold and hostile?”

  Darcy nodded.

  Was it that simple? Had Darcy almost ruined their lives over a shadowy kiss? Andrea fought to control the rage. Darcy needed her strength to heal and this was not the time to attack her. “Dammit. Why didn’t you trust me enough to ask before banishing me?”

  Darcy’s eyes bounced back and forth between the two women, then she wrote on the pad. “Stupid pride. Shame. Almost lost you.”

  “Stupid is right. I swear I’ll kill you, if you ever try that again.” Andrea glared at Darcy. “We’re not done with this Darcy; we’ll talk about it later. But I’m here now and you’re okay.”

  Darcy colored. She held up a note: Hello Karin, nice to c u again.

  Karin smiled. “Yes, nice to see you too. Sorry about the mix-up but you know lesbian friends are always kissing.”

  Andrea felt a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, Dr. Trapani, you’re upsetting my patient. I just saved her life so you’re not allowed to kill her.” Julie pulled Karin close and kissed her cheek. “I see you’ve met my wife, Darcy.”

  Darcy wrote and flashed a note: Not upset. Happy. Thanks 2 you, Doc.

  “My pleasure, Darcy. I detest it when my friends are miserable and I really hate it when my patients die. Not that it ever happens. Now let me check you out.” She checked the incision, then listened to Darcy’s heart, lungs, pulses. “You can have two visitors for ten minutes every hour starting at seven.”

  Darcy gave her a thumbs-up, then fell back to sleep.

  After Karin and Julie left, Andrea watched Darcy sleep. Such a bundle of contradictions. Aggressive and confident and, yes, proud, but shame? She didn’t understand it. Maybe she’d talk to Karin. Maybe Darcy should be in therapy. In any case, she’d be vigilant from now on to ensure nothing came between them again.

  Andrea woke Darcy when Maria and Carlo, the first of her visitors, arrived. She reminded her that she should avoid talking, but Darcy croaked a few words out for the benefit of her aunt and uncle. They hugged and kissed Darcy as best they could, given her hookups and her wounds and they vigorously hugged and kissed Andrea. “Don’t worry,” Andrea said, “I’m not leaving her. She’ll be home in a few days.”

  Darcy dozed off as soon as they left. Andrea caressed her hand and her face. Periodically, Darcy woke, eyes widened to see Andrea, then smiled, her face radiant with love.

  It turned out that the group had made a schedule before leaving the night before so everyone could come in for their ten-minute visit rather than spend the night waiting to see Darcy. Even at ten minutes each hour, Darcy was exhausted and slept between visits.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Darcy had felt terrific when she came home from the hospital. No more hospital beds for her. She wanted to sleep in her own king-sized bed with Andrea beside her. So while still in the hospital she’d asked Carlo to bring in painters and movers and convert the room she’d used as her hospital room back to her sitting room. When she arrived home, it looked the way it had originally. Everything was great.

  Then, Andrea stopped the OxyContin and she began to feel anxious, so she’d started taking the pills on her own. But she was worried because the prescription was running low and it was not renewable. She took two and as she was counting to see how many she had left; the walker fell against the table.

  Andrea opened her eyes. “Are you in pain, Darcy?”

  Damn walker, now Andrea was awake. “Not at this moment. I have no pain at all. In fact, I feel terrific.”

  Andrea sat up in bed. “What are you doing with the OxyContin?”

  “You’re spying on me?”

  “Darcy?”

  She shrugged. “Counting them.” Hopefully, she’ll write a prescription. “I’m afraid I’ll run out.”

  “I’ll bet you are.”

  “What’s with the sarcasm? Can’t you just prescribe more?”

  Andrea swung her legs over the side of the bed. “Sweetheart, those pills are addictive. I stopped them to keep you from getting dependent. When did you start taking them on your own?”

  “A couple of days ago.”

  “Were you in pain?”

  Darcy turned the walker toward the window. “No. Just anxious. I feel better when I take them.”

  Andrea followed her, wrapped her arms around her and nuzzled her neck. “Do you want to get addicted?”

  Darcy stared out the window. What kind of stupid question was that?

  “I didn’t hear your answer.”

  “No, damn it, of course I don’t want to get addicted, but I need them—”

  Andrea put her hand over Darcy’s mouth. “You have to stop now.”

  She knew Andrea was right, was only protecting her, but she needed these pills. “I already took two this morning.”

  “Well, enjoy today, because the party is over.” She turned Darcy, kissed her forehead, then clasped her shoulder. “Come with me.” She picked up the bottle of OxyContin and led Darcy into the bathroom.

  Darcy panicked. “You’re not going to flush them, are you?”

  Andrea hugged her, careful as always not to put too much pressure on her wound. “No, sweetie. You are. Here.”

  Darcy moaned. “I can’t. I need them.”

  Andrea nodded and handed the bottle to Darcy. “Trust me, sweetie, you need to do this.”

  Darcy looked at Andrea and seeing the love on her face, knew she would do anything to not lose her again. She took a breath, then removed the cap and turned the bottle upside down over the toilet. When it was empty, she handed it to Andrea.

  “Flush the toilet, Darcy.”

  She turned into Andrea’s arms, sobbing. “I don’t want to feel bad.”

  “Oh, sweetie, the last thing I want is for you to feel bad. But I’ve just got you back and I won’t lose you to drugs. I’ll be here to help you through it but you have to tell me what you’re feeling. I’ll give you non-addictive pain meds if you need them and something for the anxiety. Go on. Flush it.”

  Darcy depressed the lever and watched the precious pills circle and disappear.

  “Come.” Andrea hugged her again, then brushed her lips over Darcy’s. “Let’s get ready for breakfast.” Since they’d come home from the hospital they’d been taking meals in the garden or the kitchen or the dining room. If Darcy was feeling weak, they could eat in the bedroom or the sitting room. But that hadn’t been necessary. Yet.

  Feeling Andrea against her, the softness of her breasts without a bra, the smell of her, the feel of skin on skin, Darcy’s body responded. She nuzzled Andrea’s neck, then slipped her hands under Andrea’s pajama top, caressing her breasts, her nipples. The walker pressed against Andrea’s hips as Darcy moved to her mouth, running her tongue over her lips, teasing them to open. Andrea pulled back. “No Darcy. You know we can’t have sex for another three to six weeks.”

  One of Darcy’s hands pulled at the waistband of Andrea’s pajamas the other slid down and kneaded her butt. “Sure we can. I feel great.”

  Andrea grabbed Darcy’s arms. “That’s the pills talki
ng, Darcy.” Her breath was coming in short bursts. “Please stop.”

  Darcy looked up, confused. “The pills?”

  “Yes. They make you feel euphoric, exhilarated, but your body isn’t ready for it. You need to be taking it easy.” Andrea hugged her. “I love you and want you, but we have to wait. Take a deep breath, then let’s get dressed.”

  Andrea led Darcy into the bedroom and helped her dress, then, as usual, she went into the bathroom to dress herself. Maybe some food and sitting in the garden would help calm her until the pills wore off. Damn, why hadn’t she noticed that Darcy was taking the OxyContin on her own? She was going to have to be vigilant.

  Darcy seemed fine the rest of the day. Of course she was still experiencing the high of the last two pills. Andrea hoped she hadn’t already taken enough to experience withdrawal pains.

  * * *

  A few days later, she noticed Darcy getting agitated as it got close to bedtime.

  She claimed she wasn’t sleepy but she dozed and jerked awake continuously, then started spending nights in the sitting room with all the lights on, staring wide-eyed at the dark windows. Sensing Darcy’s fear, Andrea held her all night to keep her calm. Once it started getting light outside, she was able to get Darcy into bed and they would sleep for a few hours.

  She knew what was going on, but she needed Darcy to talk to her about it. So far, Darcy had deflected her questions by saying nothing was wrong, other than Andrea making her stop taking the OxyContin. It looked like she was going to have to force the issue to get Darcy to voice her fear.

  One afternoon, they were sitting in the garden with Candace and Darcy asked about her therapy. “I’ve worked through my feelings for you, Darcy. I’d confused being in love with wanting to be close, to needing our family connection, and I was afraid you would abandon me if you loved someone.” She smiled shyly. “Lucia and I have started dating.”

  Andrea turned to Darcy “Isn’t that great?” But Darcy was asleep. She signaled Candace to follow her.