Matters of the Heart

by Catherine Maiorisi

  Not trusting Andrea, not trusting herself, and being afraid to risk fighting for her love, had resulted in them almost losing each other. And now she was doing it again, letting her fear keep them apart. When had she become a coward? Her surgeon had cleared her for sex. Jennifer and her cardio rehab therapist had congratulated her when she’d passed the marker for having sex weeks ago. If necessary, Andrea would administer CPR until she herself dropped dead. How many guarantees did she need? And what better way to die, if she had to die, than making love to the woman she adored?

  She caressed Andrea’s face. “I love you.” She gazed into Andrea’s eyes. “And I want to make love to you.”

  Andrea’s eyes widened. “Are you sure?”

  The fear was gone, replaced by the gnawing need. “I’ve never been surer of anything.” Still gazing into Andrea’s eyes, her finger traced Andrea’s face, trailed down her neck to the valley between her breasts, circled each breast through her tank top, moved over her stomach, stopped to explore her belly button, then slipped between her legs, pressing on the material bunched in her crotch. Andrea shivered. Darcy’s sweet, soft kiss quickly deepened into raw passion.

  Ever since she’d surreptitiously watched Andrea undress in the mirror she’d fantasized about her generous breasts. As they kissed, Darcy cupped a breast.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Andrea put an arm under Darcy and pulled her closer, then placed a hand on Darcy’s chest to avoid too much pressure. Her breath caught when Darcy’s mouth covered her breast and her finger slipped under the leg of her shorts and slowly stroked her. Her skin on fire, her head fuzzy, her breath coming in short bursts, she tensed as she climbed higher and higher, then swung over the precipice, and tumbled. She rode the waves of pleasure in Darcy’s arms, with Darcy planting gentle kisses on her face and chest. “Christ, Darcy, I’m so sorry. I usually take forever to come so I didn’t expect it would happen so fast.”

  “I came too, sweetheart.” Darcy took Andrea’s face in her hands. “Kissing you and having my way with those lovely breasts of yours did it for me. And don’t apologize, we’re just getting started.”

  “I don’t know, Darcy, I don’t…I mean one orgasm is all I can manage.”

  “I don’t care about orgasms; I need to touch you. Is that okay?”

  Andrea smiled. “I’m all yours, sweetie.”

  Darcy grinned. “As you should be.”

  Side by side, eye to eye, Andrea floated on waves of sweet pleasure as Darcy caressed her. When a finger slid under the leg of her shorts into the wetness, Andrea arched and moaned. Darcy leaned in to kiss her again. She threw her arm over Darcy and cupped her ass, but Darcy shifted and tossed Andrea onto her back. She partially covered Andrea and pinned one of her arms to her side and the other between their bodies.

  “Open your legs for me, my sweet doctor,” Darcy breathed into her ear.

  It took a minute for her brain to interpret the words, then she obeyed. As Darcy slid one finger, then another inside her, Andrea’s whole body tingled with exquisite ecstasy, her breath came in short bursts, her knees came up and her body followed. Darcy’s tongue slid from Andrea’s ear to her mouth, but her fingers didn’t miss a beat even when Andrea screamed her name.

  With her fingers still inside Andrea, Darcy raised herself on her elbow and gazed at her. After a few minutes, Andrea opened her eyes. Darcy grinned mischievously. “What happened, sweetie?” She wiggled her fingers.

  “You took advantage of me. I’ve never—”

  “Should I apologize?”

  Andrea smiled. “You should kiss me.”

  “First I want you naked.”

  A surge of heat pulsed through Andrea. She started to sit up but Darcy pushed her down. “I’ll do it.” She got to her knees, pulled Andrea’s tank top over her head, stopping to kiss each breast and her neck, then slipped Andrea’s shorts over her hips and down her legs. She threw them to the other side of the king bed, then sat back on her heels. Her eyes raked Andrea’s naked body and, as it had that first day, Andrea’s body responded with a flush and a gush of wetness. Darcy leaned down and gently kissed the soft skin just inside Andrea’s hip bones, one side then the other, then buried her face in the triangle of honey-colored hair. She inhaled, then looked up. “You’re even lovelier than my fantasies.”

  Andrea grinned. “You fantasized about me?”

  “Don’t play innocent. You fantasized about me too but you were at least able to touch me even if you pretended you didn’t want to make love.” Darcy stripped her own pajamas off, tossed them on the floor, then crawled on top of Andrea.

  Andrea caught herself about to ask Darcy if her chest hurt, then realizing that Darcy could take care of herself, she answered Darcy’s question. “Yes.” She’d imagined being skin to skin with Darcy so often when washing her that it almost felt familiar. She ran her hands up and down Darcy’s nicely sculpted back and over her buttocks. Every inch, every pore, of Andrea’s body felt alive as her burning skin merged with Darcy’s heat. Maybe Tori was right, maybe they’d combust now that they were finally having sex.

  “Yes, you fantasized?”

  “Yes, your body feels wonderful. Yes, I fantasized big-time. And, yes, I was dying to make love to you.” Her fingers traced gentle circles on the silky sides of Darcy’s breasts. “But feeding you, looking into your eyes, touching you was enough to bring me close to orgasm. I took a lot of cold showers.”

  Darcy raised herself to her elbows. Keeping her eyes on Andrea’s, she brought one of Andrea’s hands to her lips, kissed the palm then placed it over her heart. She did the same with Andrea’s other hand, then held them there. “My heart beats for you.” She released Andrea’s hands, stroked her face and lowered herself to maximize skin contact. Her voice was huskier than usual as she whispered in Andrea’s ear. “I’m not done toying with you, my sweets.”

  The words turned Andrea to jelly. She flushed as another surge of pleasure shot through her.

  Darcy placed a hand on her stomach and pressed. “Stay.”

  Andrea gasped. Either Darcy’s finger or her tongue was generating ripples of pleasure through her body. Her head fell back onto the pillow, her hips lifted to meet Darcy’s thrusts, until she tumbled down and down and down, breathing Darcy’s name again and again.

  Andrea tried to pull Darcy up but Darcy had other plans. She pleaded with Darcy to stop. She’d laughed and cried and moaned and screamed, had multiple orgasms and now she needed time to recoup. “I’ve unleashed a sex monster. A wonderful, loving sex monster but you’re going to kill me if you don’t stop. Please come here and hold me.”

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Andrea woke first. Her head was on Darcy’s chest and she listened to the comforting thumping of her heart. She marveled at how Darcy had vaulted from wanting to defer sex until a surgeon, an emergency room doctor and a nurse were in the house, to letting loose the aggressive and wonderful lover barricaded behind the fear. Just as she’d imagined, Darcy was a sensitive and passionate lover. But Andrea was flabbergasted by Darcy’s ability to break through the protective walls she’d built, unleash her eroticism and passion and awaken a hidden playfulness. She’d had good sex over the years but she’d never felt so free, come so frequently, experienced so deeply.

  She shifted her position, wanting to watch Darcy sleep, but it turned out Darcy was watching her. Neither spoke. Then Andrea noticed Darcy’s arm moving. She grabbed it. “Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry I fell asleep. You don’t have to do that; I want to make love to you.”

  “I’m okay.” Darcy’s eyes slid away. “I don’t…I can’t…it’s better for me if I…”

  Andrea froze. “If you what? You’re joking right?” She pushed herself up onto her elbow so she could see Darcy’s face better in the flickering light of the candles and dim light from the bathroom. “I don’t understand.”

  Darcy looked miserable.

  Judging by the look on Darcy’s face, this wasn’t a joke. Andrea suddenly remember
ed Gerri’s angry words that first day: I have great sex but it’s all about you giving, you don’t let me touch you. Not an exact quote but something like that. She felt as if she’d been kicked in the stomach. “You don’t want me to make love to you? You’d rather masturbate?” Never in her wildest dreams would she have imagined this would be a problem.

  Darcy’s eyes skittered around the room as if seeking an escape. “It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

  Andrea could hear the pain in Darcy’s voice but she couldn’t get past her rage. “Fuck you, Darcy, if you think I’m going to live like, like, I don’t even know what to call it. You think I should just lie back and let you service me? You think that’s a relationship?”

  Darcy turned to face Andrea. “It’s who I am. Take me or leave me.”

  Did she mean that? Andrea studied Darcy. Of course not. She could see the fear in Darcy’s eyes. “It’s not who you are. Not based on my experience of you, not based on the way Tori talks about you. Talk to me.”

  “What do you want me to say?”

  She could see how difficult this was for Darcy. She needed to calm down and get to the bottom of the issue. “I know you love me. And I want to be able to make you feel the way you made me feel. If you don’t let me in to love you, then what are we?” She sat up and pulled Darcy into her arms. She kissed her temple and entwined their fingers. “Please tell me why?”

  Darcy lay in her arms, her breath labored. Andrea hugged her and from time to time kissed her temple or her palm. “You know, I almost lost you because I was afraid if I loved you I would lose you. The mind does stupid things. Talking, bringing things into the light, helps to expose the fallacy, the magical thinking we use to hide our fears.”

  Darcy shifted to gaze into Andrea’s eyes, her fingers traced Andrea’s face, her lips brushed Andrea’s. “A couple of years after we graduated from college, Candace and I were hanging out, watching TV. She suggested we drop some LSD she’d scored. I don’t do drugs so I was reluctant but she knew, knows, how to push my buttons and I did it. After a while, the air seemed to change, I thought I could count the atoms, the movie seemed hysterical. Then Candace started kissing and touching me. The drug magnified every feeling but even in my drugged state it felt wrong, like incest, and I pushed her away.

  “She became enraged. She slapped and punched me, bit my lips, my breasts, and my thighs while screaming that I belonged with her. She became this gigantic mouth, looming over me. I thought she was going to devour me, that she would suck everything out of me, swallow me and there would be no me, just her.” Darcy’s arms tightened around Andrea. “And since then I’ve been afraid to let anyone…”

  “Whoa.” Andrea couldn’t control her reaction. “Sounds like a bad trip mixed in with some unfinished business between you and Candace. Did you have sex? Did you ever talk about what happened?”

  “No, we never discussed it. And though we didn’t have sex, the next time I was with a woman, I felt she was going to devour me and I freaked.” She twisted around so she was in Andrea’s lap with her head on Andrea’s shoulder. “Stay with me, please.”

  “I’m not going anywhere without you, ever.” Andrea rocked her.

  Darcy dozed. Looking at her, Andrea was filled with love. How alike they were, both structuring their lives so they couldn’t love or be loved. She kissed Darcy’s forehead. She didn’t know whether she and Darcy would be able to work through these feelings without some professional help. Perhaps Karin could recommend someone they could see. In any case, she would be patient, try not to pressure Darcy or make her feel bad.

  Darcy woke with a jolt. “Andrea?”

  “I’m here. It’s late, let’s sleep. We’ll talk in the morning.”

  * * *

  Darcy woke wrapped in Andrea’s arms. She felt safe and loved. Why hadn’t she talked to Andrea about her fear of being made love to before? She’d been so focused on wanting to make love to Andrea that she hadn’t given any thought to Andrea making love to her. No, that wasn’t true. She desperately wanted Andrea to make love to her. It was magical thinking. She’d hoped it would just go away despite fifteen years and other women when it hadn’t. Andrea was adamant about wanting a mutually loving, equal relationship. And she wanted that too. Over the years, she’d often thought about Tori, about how easy the loving and the sex had been between them, about the mistake she’d made breaking up with her because Tori was growing independent and she feared she would eventually break up with her. Now that she thought about it, hadn’t Candace fanned her insecurities about losing Tori, saying once Darcy left school Tori would find someone else?

  Did Candace have any idea of what she’d done? Of the pain walking away from Tori had caused her? Of the damage caused by that LSD trip? Probably not. Andrea was too important, she needed her too much to let that LSD trip be a destructive force in their relationship. She would do whatever was necessary to get back to being the sexual being she had been with Tori.

  Maybe now that Andrea knew her dirty secret they could…maybe she could desensitize herself. She would do anything not to lose Andrea.

  “I hear someone thinking.” Andrea’s voice was gentle and Darcy could tell she was smiling.

  Darcy opened her eyes to bright sunlight. “How do you know I’m not sleeping?”

  “The grinding of the gears in your head. And your breathing.”

  She kissed Andrea’s nose. “I’ve been thinking…about my problem.”

  “Our problem, you mean?”

  Darcy’s breath caught. “Yes, that one. I want it to go away. Maybe try and see if I freak?”

  “Sounds good to me.” Andrea tightened her arms around Darcy. “What about we just take our time? Kissing seems to be okay and maybe some touching, nothing too intense, and when you feel scared, you tell me to stop. Would that do it, you think?”

  “Can we try now, I’m still…I still want you from last night.”

  Candace had loomed over Darcy so Andrea stretched out next to her, not on her. “I spent months trying not to be sexual when I was touching you. Tell me what you want.”

  “Just touch me.”

  Andrea took her time stroking Darcy, maintaining contact with her at all times through kissing or looking in her eyes. In whispered Italian, she told Darcy how much she loved her, loved being with her, wanted to be with her for all time. Darcy’s gasps of pleasure encouraged her to continue. “Is there anything else you want, sweetie?”

  Darcy took her hand and moved it lower, through the tight black curls, to her groin, over each of the sensitive inner thighs. She broke away from their kiss. “Now you.”

  Andrea slid a little lower. She gently tugged Darcy’s pubic hair, then cupped her crotch. Her instinct was to spread Darcy’s legs and use her mouth, but she controlled herself. She breathed into Darcy’s ear. “Spread your legs for me, Darcy.”

  Darcy tensed but did as asked.

  “Good,” Andrea breathed into Darcy’s ear again. She ran her fingers up and down Darcy’s inner thighs, then into the wetness. Darcy sucked in her breath. Andrea kissed Darcy’s eyes, her cheeks, her lips. Darcy kissed her back, then her lips separated and her tongue teased Andrea’s lips.

  Andrea smiled. Her lips parted and her tongue welcomed Darcy. It didn’t take long for their bodies to heat and become slippery with sweat. Andrea was having a hard time concentrating on what she was supposed to do, or not do. One hand strayed back to Darcy’s breasts, circling and squeezing. Darcy moaned and pushed Andrea’s hand down.

  “Tell me what you want, Darcy.”

  “Inside.” Darcy’s voice was hoarse.

  “You want me inside you?” Andrea wanted to be sure she understood.

  “Yes.”

  Andrea slipped a finger in. Darcy sighed. Andrea slid her free arm under Darcy, pulled her closer and slid a second finger in. Darcy moaned, her eyes darkened. She could feel Darcy’s excitement, her heart was pounding, she was rising to meet every thrust, then she closed her eyes. Andrea slowed dow
n. “Open your eyes, Darcy, look at me. Say my name.”

  Darcy’s eyes were almost black when she opened them. “Andrea.”

  “Keep those gorgeous blue eyes open for me, sweetie. And I want to hear my name when you come.” Andrea picked up the tempo and the force of the thrusts.

  Darcy rocked to meet her. She chanted Andrea, Andrea, Andrea. Her voice rose as she climbed, then her vagina tightened around Andrea’s fingers and wave after wave held them until Darcy relaxed. Andrea left her fingers inside.

  Darcy crawled on top of Andrea and nestled her face into Andrea’s neck. The only sound was the pounding of their hearts, their rapid breathing, and the rhythmic ebb and flow of the crashing ocean. They dozed.

  Darcy lifted her head. Andrea was awake, staring out the sliding glass doors. Darcy touched her cheek and turned Andrea’s head so she could see her face. “Thank you. You are a wonderful lover.” She grinned. “I’m looking forward to the time when there are no restrictions on what you can do.”

  “I loved what we did just now and anything else will be a bonus. Frankly, I was surprised you were able to tolerate even that given what you described.”

  “Since that LSD trip I’ve only had a few sexual partners and I’ve been afraid to let them touch me. Physically or emotionally. You’re the first I’ve been in love with, the first I’ve trusted.” Darcy smiled. She took Andrea’s hand and kissed each finger, then the palm. “I love you.”

  Andrea brushed the hair off Darcy’s forehead. “I love you too.”

  Darcy rolled to the side of the bed. “Come into the shower with me and maybe I’ll let you show me how much you love me.”