That's the Way I Loved You

by Carrie Aarons

  Our kiss in the wine cellar, interrupted by fucking Beau, was leading to places we’d never come back from. Hell, we weren’t going to come back from that kiss. It had changed us, her initiating it, and finding out the secret I hadn’t meant to keep from her. Now she knows that I own the vineyard, that I named it after her and her mother, it’s all going to be different now.

  Or so I hope. I’ve given her space, but now that we’re meeting at our house, I’m putting everything on the line. From the moment she stepped foot back in Hale, I knew I wanted to be with her. Today, I’m going to lay out every single one of my feelings.

  When I pull up, she’s already there. Her car sits on the gravel, the rented BMW looking worn and dusty from its trips through the Texas rural roads.

  My knees are practically shaking as I let myself in.

  An Eric Church song hums softly on the radio I’ve left here since we started fixing up the shack. Savvy’s back is to me, her hair tied up in a red bandana, with jean overalls that make her ass look incredible. She’s more country right now than I’ve seen her in years, and it brings me back.

  “Hey.” The word is packed with emotion.

  Savannah turns, her eyes giving me a once-over. I see the blush creep up her cheeks, and then she holds my gaze.

  “Hi,” she breathes, and the electricity in the room is charged to one hundred percent.

  It feels like a magnetic force, each of us stepping toward each other as if our feet won’t take us any other way.

  “I’ve wanted to see you every second since I had to leave you in the warehouse.” My eyes don’t leave hers.

  It feels cosmic, this connection between us. We’ve both finally acknowledged it, and now it can’t be turned off.

  “Why didn’t you tell me about the vineyard?” she begins, all but leaning into me.

  Our hands meet, our bodies unable to keep from touching each other. We clasp them, the electric jolt shocking us both.

  I shrug. “I told you. It doesn’t matter what I do. I learned that lesson the hard way when my baseball career ended. It took you leaving me to realize that a career is not the most important thing in life. How much money you make, the standing it gives you … that all means shit.”

  She shakes her head, her eyes glistening. “God, do you know how little of the world thinks that way? Why, Jason? Why did you have to go and crush my heart like that? You’re just … it’s too perfect.”

  This makes me snort. “Savvy, I think we’ve proved for a very long time that we’re far from perfect.”

  A smile forms on her cherry red lips, but then her expression grows somber. “Why didn’t you sell this place, way back when?”

  The question makes me sigh, because I’ve been holding this in for so long.

  “I was never a fancy man, Savannah. Shiny things mean nothing to me, if I can mend it then I’ll do that instead of buying something new. But for you, I would have tried. I would have given you whatever you wanted, even if I couldn’t see past my own shit back then. But you just gave up on us. We were forever, don’t you remember we said that to each other? I guess that had an expiration date I wasn’t aware of, though.”

  “My mama had just died, Jason, and you couldn’t be there for me. I couldn’t … I couldn’t get it past it. Everywhere I looked, I saw her. Nothing would have been the same. So I left.”

  “I would have wizened up. Shit, Savannah, I was so messed up in my own head. I’m so sorry. I never said that to you, and I should have a long time ago.”

  She looks away, a tear sliding down her cheek. “How do either of us know what would have happened? You could have stayed in that depression. We could have separated. Losing my mama was torture, Jason. I couldn’t be here anymore. I couldn’t look anyone in the face, I couldn’t reconcile it with myself. My last words to her were so hostile, and I put her through such stress that who knows if I was the one who caused it.”

  “Don’t you dare say that. And you don’t know what the outcome would have been between us. Maybe we would have made it.” My voice grows quiet, and I look right into her soul. “Did you know I came up there? To New York. I went to bring you home, about a month after you left.”

  “You did?”

  I gulp, nodding. “I spent a night there, and I knew I could never cut it. Those people were sharp and smart, and I never even tracked you down. You’d survived a month there, and I could barely make it twenty-four hours. I knew right then that you had outgrown me. Why do you think I never paid this place off? It wasn’t because I didn’t have the money. I could have kept up with it, found a way back when I was broke and you’d just left. I couldn’t stand coming out here, or even thinking about it. I shoved this house and everything that happened in it so far to the back of my brain, hoping to forget it. I never did, though. For a while there, I thought it would bring you back to me. Then, after so many years passed, I just figured it would fall into disrepair, like my heart.”

  Savannah walks to the other side of the room, facing away from me. I miss the heat of her hand in mine, and I wish we didn’t have to have this conversation.

  “I have to go back to New York.”

  She’s just dumped a metaphoric bucket of ice water on me. On my rigid dick, on my beating heart, and on the hopes that were filling up my brain.

  “What? Why? No, you don’t.” I tug on her hand as if it will anchor her here.

  “The director of my show, the one I write on, she needs me back for a few episodes. The arc isn’t going the way she wants it, and I’m the head writer.”

  It’s as if she’s taken the hammer laying somewhere around here and just shattered my heart. If she says this is the reason, I’m sure it’s legitimate. But we’re just getting somewhere here, just opening up. Savannah has finally acknowledged that she still has the same feelings I’ve always had for her, and now she’s going to leave.

  The unfairness of it, the anger … it gets to me. “And when you go back, you’ll see him?”

  Savannah rolls her eyes. “This has nothing to do with that. It’s my job, my career that I’ve worked very hard for, thank you very much. I’m reliable and professional in these people’s eyes, and I want to remain that way.”

  “But you’ll see him?” Nothing else matters to me as she talks.

  Because, of course, she’ll see him. He’s her boyfriend, after all.

  Now Savannah’s cheeks grow red, and she rips her hands away, throwing them in the air.

  “You want me to tell you that he doesn’t even come close? That when I’m with you, it’s like a thousand suns beating down upon me? That I can barely contain the urge to launch myself into your arms? Do you want me to tell you that the minute I go back to him, I’ll be thinking about what your lips feel like on mine? And how unfair that is, to him? That I’ve been unfaithful, that I can’t think past my own selfishness …”

  She’s near hysteria, barely keeping her toes off the line, and I can see it. I want to push her into the madness, to make her fall apart so that I can pick her back up. To make her see that the reason she’s so incensed is because she should be with me, not him.

  But instead of the impassioned, rage-filled response I want to give her, and she’s probably expecting, my voice is so quiet that she has to strain to hear it.

  “So don’t go back. Don’t go back to him, Savvy. I’m the one you love, it’ll only ever be you and me. Don’t waste any more of our years with excuses or distractions. I’m yours. Even if you leave, I’ll always be yours. Stay and be mine, darlin’.”

  Savannah’s shoulders sag, and I hear the sniffles coming from her throat. “This is so difficult … so difficult. What am I supposed to do, what do you want me to tell you? I cheated on my boyfriend, someone who has protected me and taken care of me in some of the hardest times. And then with us? How can I walk away from you? We’re us. You want me to say you’re the one? You’re the one, of course you are. Even after all these years, you’re it.”

  As satisfying as it is to hear her
say that, though she left out those three big words, it’s also terrifying. Because now that it’s all out there, she has the very real ability to crush my fucking heart. It’s already broken, already damaged. One more blow and I’d be done for good.

  “You’re really going back?” My voice is every note of pain and worry I’m feeling.

  She doesn’t even have the guts to look at me. “I have to. My boss needs me there for shooting.”

  “But we haven’t finished the house.” As if that’s why she should come back.

  “It’ll be a few days. I need to get some work done.” She shrugs, the words running out.

  There is a beat of silence, and so much tension that I want to scream. I miss the days when we could be completely comfortable around each other, though I guess that ship set sail long ago.

  “I should go, I have an early flight tomorrow.” Her eyes are red, and the confused expression in them wounds me.

  “You better come back.”

  My voice isn’t threatening or haughty. It’s scared. I know there is a real possibility that I’ll lose her once again, for good this time. Or, I might not. She could get back to New York and realize just how much easier it is there. Where there are no ghosts, no lingering loves and sludge she’d have to muck through to repair her relationships in Hale.

  The hope I walked in here with has vanished. Now I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope, and at any moment, I could fall into the abyss.

  26

  Savannah

  “Y’all, I have never seen something this fancy.”

  Adeline swivels around, looking back at me as I sink into my seat. She and Lori have done nothing but talk, extremely loudly, the entire plane ride, and I know our fellow seat mates in first class have not appreciated it.

  When I found out that I had to go back to New York for some of the episodes being shot, I decided I’d bring my sisters along. At the beginning of my living in Manhattan, when we were still in contact, I promised they could come out and visit. It had never happened, and this seemed as good a time as any, seeing as I was basically forced back to Manhattan.

  Donna was livid when one of the episodes I wrote did not translate to the acting. If I had been there, I could have given input, but they shot hours and hours of crap storylines. And now everyone was pissed. The phone call I got two days after Jason and I kissed at his winery was pretty horrific. Donna was screaming, cursing me out, cursing the actors, threatening to fire people, and definitely threatening my position. My neck was on the chopping block, and even though my personal life was in complete upheaval, I had to put it all on hold.

  I’ve worked really hard for my job, and writing this show is my passion. I can’t imagine losing it, especially with all the turmoil in my heart.

  “They brought me separate glasses for champagne and orange juice. I’ve never had one of these not out of a Solo cup!” Lori looks so shocked, you’d think someone just revealed who really shot JFK.

  “And these headphones, they just let you keep them!” Adeline’s jaw drops.

  These two are annoying, but they’re cracking me up. Lori has only ever been on one other flight, to see her husband while he was stationed in another country, and that was years ago. Adeline has never flown and has barely been an hour or two outside of Hale.

  I’m glad I can involve them in this opportunity. It’s not my money, the production company is flying us back, and we all deserve a little first class pampering.

  “Check in the seat back pockets, I’m pretty sure they keep chocolate mint cookies in there.”

  They both dive in, and a few minutes later, the pilot announces our descent into LaGuardia.

  The three of us bustle through the terminal, our bags being handled by a production assistant that was sent to fetch us from the airport. I have to report to set in a few hours, and I’ll take them with me, but first I thought we’d stop by my apartment.

  My apartment, the one I shed blood, sweat, and tears to pay for each month. It’s in the West Village, an area of Manhattan I fell in love with about two months into living in the city. I admit, when Perry said he wanted to live on the Upper East Side, I was sad I’d have to leave my favorite area.

  But for now, it was still here, sitting empty and waiting for me until I decided to return.

  “It’s so loud here.” Adeline wrinkles her nose as we get into the town car the PA is driving.

  “And it stinks. Also, I think that man was peeing on the sidewalk.” Lori hooks a thumb back.

  I look to where she’s pointing and see a homeless man openly urinating in the pickup area lane. “Yeah, that about sums up New York. Welcome to the Big Apple.”

  On the car ride to my apartment, my sisters’ noses are glued to the windows. Adeline is snapping pictures of everything on her cell phone, even if it’s a random building that has no meaning to the city.

  Smiling, it takes me back to when I first got here. A naive little fawn, hypnotized by everything this city had to offer. It’s glamour, it’s grit, the heavy air, and high hopes … I loved every part of it. My heart feels at home here, just as it does in Hale now that I spent time back there.

  How does a heart feel complete in two different places, unable to choose the one it should settle in?

  “I can see how you got swept up in this.” Adeline pats my knee as we pull onto my street.

  The familiar line of the trees and the brown stooped steps are like a puzzle piece fitting right into my soul. I love this block, the neighbors and friends I’ve found here, the peace and chaos both existing at once.

  “It’s pretty wonderful.” I smile, happy to be back in my city.

  “I can’t believe you lived here all by yourself. Even now, I can’t imagine you walking up to your apartment all alone in this big city. But as a kid? You were just a kid. I’m in awe of you.” Lori blinks at me.

  A part of my ego swells, because no one in my family has ever expressed anything but misery about my move. To hear that my big sister actually thinks I’m inspiring, well, it’s heartwarming.

  “Thanks.” I blush. “Oh, we’re here!”

  “This looks like something out of a Meg Ryan movie,” Lori says as we get out, her eyes flicking up my building.

  The walk-up I live in is located in a brownstone-fronted building, with a majestic stoop a la Carrie Bradshaw’s. There are paneled windows reaching up six stories, and trees line the street like we’re in some 1950-esque Brooklyn movie. This isn’t what the majority of New York looks like, but I’ll save that tidbit for when my sisters are swept up in the chaos of Times Square.

  Right now, I’ll savor my little corner of the world, because it is truly beautiful. A tiny piece of serenity in a bustling mecca.

  “Wait, you pay how much for this thing?” Adeline asks when we crest the three stories to my apartment, and I unlock the door.

  “I know, it’s a shoebox.” A smile stretches my face.

  My sisters are used to wide open spaces, and in reality, you can walk from end to end in six seconds. The window in my bedroom faces an alley, and the toilet has never properly worked. My next-door neighbor likes to play jazz music, badly, at five a.m., and the smell of the garbage trucks that come down the street lingers long after they’re gone.

  “An arm and a leg, that’s what I pay.” Not wanting to tell them I pay close to four thousand dollars for this eight-hundred-square-foot apartment with paper-thin walls.

  That’s the luxury of trying to live alone in New York. It’s not that I don’t live comfortably on my salary, but staying on top in this city is a grind. One I haven’t really missed when I was back in Hale. I love writing, it’s my passion. But if I could do that and not worry if my very good salary was covering the lifestyle even a modest New York girl lived, that would be a welcomed relief.

  “Well, it’s kid free, so it looks heavenly to me.” Adeline plops down on the couch.

  They only brought a duffel bag each, which they insisted on carrying themselves. I felt like high-
maintenance having the PA lug one of my large rolling suitcases up the stairs, but I couldn’t carry them both. I huff a breath as I roll them both into my entryway.

  “God, the boys have been driving me crazy,” Lori agrees, walking around my home as if it’s her own.

  She walks into my galley kitchen, the cabinets practically touching, and starts opening doors. She comes back with three glasses of water, sets them on the table, and then peruses the artwork on the gallery wall I created behind my TV.

  “The other day, Delilah asked me if she could get her belly button pierced. That some other girl in her glass got it done, and I’d be such an uncool mother if I didn’t let her.” Adeline rolls her eyes.

  “She’s eleven!” I cry, the whole idea ridiculous.

  Lori snorts. “Sounds like something Savvy would have tried to pull over on Mom and Dad.”

  I clutch my chest. “I would not … okay, maybe I would.”

  We all giggle, and Adeline sighs. “Raising a girl is like arguing with a tiny version of yourself. You watch her make every mistake you did, and you can’t tell her what the outcome will be because you want her to grow into a good, well-rounded person.”

  “Teaching lessons, man … the hardest part of being a parent.” Lori nods, sipping her water.

  “Well, hopefully, none of your kids will leave the gas burners on after cooking s’mores on the stove and almost blowing the house up.” I raise an eyebrow at both of them.

  My sisters crack up into a fit of giggles, and Adeline shakes her head. “Oh my God, I completely forgot we did that! Dad was so pissed off, and the fire department had to be at our house for like—”

  “Three hours!” Lori is almost wheezing. “Mama just about got the wooden spoon out for that one.”

  “Those s’mores sure were delicious, though.” I chuckle as we wind down from our laughing fit.

  “So, what’re we doing tonight?” They both blink up at me expectantly.