A Bride For Windridge Hall

by Jeanie P Johnson

  “Roderick. I know you did not mean to kill James. You said so in your dream. You have to trust me to understand.”

  “I don’t even understand. It is not just killing James. It is the way it came about, and what transpired because of it. It seems my life became cursed ever since that day I met you at your birthday party. You were the most beautiful young woman I had ever seen in my life. I thought it was love at first sight, the way my heart fluttered when I looked at you. And then you brushed Willard and me off like we were crumbs on your pretty ball gown. It made me repent ever being attracted to you in the first place.”

  Emily took her hand from his and placed it on Roderick’s arm.

  “It was horrid of me to do that to you. I was silly and young, and we thought it all a game. I truly felt terrible, and wanted to apologize to you, only I never had a chance to meet you again.”

  “I would never have permitted you another chance to meet me,” Roderick told her truthfully. “I shunned the social life after that. Father sent me abroad, thinking I would meet some desirable woman and marry her. However, when that did not happen, he feared I had sworn off women altogether, and presented me with Abigail.

  “Poor Abigail. She was as much a victim as I was! We hated each other instantly. The first several days after our marriage, we refused to speak to each other. She was a very lovely looking young woman, though, and there was nothing about her to dislike. It was merely the fact, that we were both forced to marry each other. Then my father took me aside and told me that it was not good enough to marry Abigail to gain my inheritance. He demanded that I must provide an heir, and the sooner, the better, or I would still lose it all to Willard. I was seething. How was I going to get Abigail to consent to consummate the marriage? We had never been with each other since the day of our marriage and my father suspected it. There was no way I was going to force her, so I decided the only way to get past this barrier was to win Abigail over. After all, she was rather appealing, and it would not be a displeasure to have her in my bed. Therefore, I made an effort to woo her, hoping she would not find me as loathsome as she acted like I was. Nothing I did seemed to affect her. In the process, I started seeing her good points and realizing that if I could get her to like me just a little, we could make something of the marriage. I found myself falling in love with her, as I struggled to persuade her to fall in love with me.

  “I was ignorantly unaware, that Willard was helping her meet her lover secretly. Had I known she loved someone else, I wouldn’t have married her, regardless of what my father threatened, but now it was too late. My pride was wounded, because I had finally allowed myself to fall in love with her, and she had been in love with someone else all along.

  “I hated the man. I hated Willard for helping her. I wanted her to give up her lover because I did not want to divorce her. I wanted her to see that I was worthy enough to love, and the only way to get her lover to leave was to challenge him to a duel. I knew James was a lousy shot, and that he would most likely back down from a duel. Then I would demand he leave and never show his face again if he refused to face me. Alas, the stupid lovesick James did not back down. I had already challenged him so I certainly could not back down. After all, I was the wounded husband!

  “I found myself caught up in my own trap! Therefore, I decided I would let James have the first shot. I doubted he could even hit me, and then I would merely wound him, to put him in his place. The duel could be satisfied, no harm done, and Abigail would soon learn to love me, once the loser of the duel backed down.

  “There was only one problem. James got off the first shot, just as I was aiming for his shoulder. When he actually hit me in the arm, I stumbled forward, just as I was pulling the trigger. The shot hit him in the chest instead of the shoulder.

  “I will never forget the look on James’ face when he realized that I had killed him. I did not know it, but Abigail had snuck there to watch, worried that James would get hurt.”

  Roderick had a hard time continuing his narration. He cleared his throat and looked down at his hands, clasping Emily’s. She was squeezing his hands so tightly, that her fingers were white. She could feel his hands trembling beneath her own.

  “Oh, how horrible that must have been for you, Roderick. You were only nineteen!”

  “Yes… It was horrible. The most horrible moment in my entire life. When James fell, and Willard pronounced him dead, I saw Abigail out of the corner of my eye. She was fleeing out towards the bluff that overlooked the ocean. I chased after her, not giving heed to my wound. I wanted to stop her and tell her that I hadn’t meant to kill James. Only I was having a hard time catching up because I was getting weak from losing blood…”

  A pained look came over Roderick’s face.

  “I…I wanted to tell her that I loved her and that I never intended to kill James. I just wanted to give us a chance to make our marriage work, without her thinking she was in love with him. I finally caught up with her, because she had come to the bluff, and there was no place else for her to go. I was so weak that I had fallen to my knees, and I was crawling to her, reaching for her. She was looking down at me with horror in her eyes. I had blood all over me and must have looked ghastly, reaching out to her like that. I could barely speak, I was so weak, and tired from running after her.

  “As I was trying to speak to her, she kept backing away. I was trying to tell her not to move because she was too close to the edge, but she seemed mesmerized and just kept backing up. I lunged forward to grab her and keep her from falling, and just as I lunged, I passed out.

  “When I woke up, Abigail was not there. I did not know what had happened to her. I hoped she had fled away in the other direction when she saw that I had passed out. Willard found me, and he brought me back to the Hall. I asked him where Abigail was, and he said he didn’t know. She didn’t come back that night, and a search party was sent out to find her. I told them that she had been with me on the bluff where they had found me.

  “That is where they found her, below the bluff, washed up on the shore. I don’t know if I caused her to fall, or she jumped on purpose or accidentally fell, but I surely killed her, the same way I killed James. I just couldn’t admit it to myself. I did not see her fall or jump, but I was the one who made her run there, and my chasing her made it all the worse. She hated me even more after what I had done to James.”

  “But you did not mean to kill James, Roderick.” Emily insisted.

  “Everyone knew he was a bad shot, I am surprised he even hit my arm. They blamed me as much as I blamed myself. Everyone believed I killed James on purpose, and then pushed Abigail off the bluff in my anger. Anything I say would make no difference. Even you have the right not to believe me. I could be making this all up, so you will marry me!”

  “The only problem is, that I was there when you had that nightmare. You said in your dream you did not mean to kill James. You cried when you found Abigail dead, in your dream. You could not be making that up, Roderick.”

  “It doesn’t matter, it is too painful for me to learn to love anyone, Emily. How could anyone love me after that debacle of a marriage? No telling what I might do in the throws of anger! You saw how I acted when you insisted I tell you about it. I turned tail and ran! You couldn’t possibly want to marry a person like me. But I tell you truthfully, Emily, I want you to marry me, with every fiber of my being. I can’t promise I could love you, not the way you really want me to, but I love everything about you if that makes you feel any better.”

  Emily sat quietly for a long moment, staring down at their hands. Both she and Roderick were clinging to something. Roderick clinging to the hope of a marriage that would save his inheritance, and Emily clinging to the hope that Roderick could learn to love her in time. She just didn’t know how long that would take if she risked marrying him before he professed his love for her. It seemed an eternity to Roderick before she spoke.

  “I do not hate you, Roderick. I can understand how this all happened, and it was not
all your fault. It was a stupid mistake, like me making that wager, and pushing you away, which might have saved us all from this kind of end. We are both to blame in a way, and I am surprised that you could even try to love me, after I put you off all women, and caused your father to force you into marriage.”

  “There was a time I hated you beyond reason! I thought of all the ways I was going to get even with you for what you did. Even asking you to marry me, was part of the plan to make you wish you had never treated me like that! Only as I’ve grown to know you better, I realized you had meant no harm, just as I had meant no harm to James, but it just went wrong. I couldn’t continue to hold a grudge. How could I expect you to believe in me if I could not believe in you?”

  “I know there is no time for love to bloom, as you say, because of the stipulations of the will. Only how can I agree to marry someone who may never learn to love me, Roderick?”

  Roderick’s heart fell to his stomach.

  “I..I could at least endeavor to make you happy, Emily. I would do anything you asked of me.”

  “Except give your heart to me,” Emily responded.

  “How can I promise that, when I don’t know the answer to it?”

  “I would merely be like a brood mare, turning out an heir, so you could keep your own inheritance,” Emily pointed out.

  “It could never be like that. I could not think of you as a brood mare!”

  “It would be the same thing though. Marriage should be about love and trust. We could end up hurting each other in the end, just like you ended up hurting Abigail, without meaning to.”

  “It would never be like that!” Roderick almost yelled.

  “How do you know, Roderick? How can you say what the future will bring? If love is not there to bind us together, we would fall apart. I would get tired of waiting, and you would get angry with me for demanding your love.”

  “I see, this is going nowhere. What do you want to do?”

  Emily was silent. What she wanted was for Roderick to either learn to love her or discover that he already did. She knew she loved him, and she would never feel for another the way she felt about Roderick.

  “You said, you learned to love Abigail, as you discovered all her good points. If we gave it time…”

  “But we don’t have time, Emily! With all this pressure on me, how would I know if it was love or desperation? I could lie to you and say I loved you to satisfy that need that you have to hear those words, but I will not lie to you, Emily. I have been more honest with you this day than I have ever been with any other person. I have not even told Della the truth, even after she got me through the pain. That trust alone must be something we can build on.”

  Emily straightened her shoulders.

  “All right, Roderick. I will trust you. I will hope you can learn to love me. I will take that risk because I do love you…”

  “You only think you love me,” Roderick insisted. “You merely feel sorry for me, and think it is love.”

  “I thought I was in love with you before I heard your story, Roderick. I do not think it is mere pity. But you will have to trust my love for you, in the same way, I am trusting that some day you will accept it, and perhaps return it.”

  “Are you saying that this absurd game you are playing with Willard will come to an end? Will you once again consider marrying me? I will still give you a little more time to adjust to it if you like.”

  “I can’t help it that I love you. I could not face never seeing you again. I just find it hard to face a marriage where my love may never be returned…” Emily did not finish.

  “You at least will have my loyalty, if nothing else,” he offered.

  “Meaning you will never go to Della again?” Emily eyed him.

  “She is the furthest thing from my mind, right now,” he said, running his finger across her cheek.

  Emily shivered at his touch, and he felt it under his finger. He leaned forward and placed his lips on hers.

  “Emily you are the only thought that fills my being right now, and that is something that has never happened to me with any other woman,” he assured her.

  Emily placed her arms around his neck. Perhaps, he could not love her in the way she wanted, but wasn’t this a kind of love, she reasoned? At least she could have him near her, and that was better than nothing, she thought, as a tear slowly slid down her cheek. He kissed the tear away.

  “I don’t want you to cry on my account,” he breathed.

  “I am crying for both of us,” she told him truthfully.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Willard, Lilith, and Alfred were waiting in the drawing room. The entire conversation centered on speculation about what was going on in the parlor with Roderick and Emily. Whatever happened, they were sure it would affect them all. When Roderick and Emily walked in, all eyes were on them.

  “Willard, I demand you release Emily from her promise to you,” Roderick bellowed when they entered the room.

  Willard smiled.

  “There is nothing to release, dear cousin. Do you presume to think that Emily would pledge herself to me, when she is so blindly in love with you, that she can’t see straight?”

  Roderick felt taken back and looked questioningly at Emily.

  “You led me to believe that you would marry Willard instead of me, on purpose?”

  “What else could she do?” Willard responded before Emily could answer. “I insisted on it. We were hoping that if you thought you were going to lose Emily to me, you would come to your senses and realize how much you love her. I’m just wondering when you ever will admit it?”

  “That is blackmail, trying to wheedle something out of me, that you have no way of knowing about!”

  Roderick drew his brows together as he eyed Willard.

  “Then you don’t love Emily?” Willard asked, raising one eyebrow and moving in closer to Emily. “In that case, I will take her off your hands, dear cousin.”

  Roderick instinctively grabbed Emily’s arm.

  “It doesn’t matter if I love her or not, she was promised to me before you started meddling! Besides, that is between Emily and myself.”

  “Emily, has Roderick admitted to loving you or not?” Willard asked directly, turning to look at Emily.

  Emily shrugged. “He hasn’t said one way or the other,” she admitted.

  “Then I suggest you refuse to marry him until he makes up his mind,” Willard directed.

  “You can’t possibly be around Emily, without loving her,” Alfred offered. “You are mad if you think you can base a marriage on money alone. I know you both have a need for it, but it could be the ruin of you if there is no love involved.”

  “Why do you people think you can run my life?” Roderick growled. “What Emily and I do, or decide to do, is none of your affairs, what so ever. We already had an agreement, before the lot of you decided to take control.”

  “It certainly is our affair,” Alfred insisted. “I, for one, have known Emily most of my life, as well as Lilith, and we are out for her best interest. We could never allow her to accept an unhappy marriage, regardless of the monetary rewards. Why do you think Emily remains single? She is the most beautiful young woman anyone has ever laid eyes on. She has had many offers of marriage, since her sixteenth birthday dance, yet she never accepted. Why do you suppose that is, Lord Winlock?”

  Roderick looked at Emily, and then back at Alfred.

  “Oh yes, it must have something to do with love. She has already told me she is looking for love. However, love has to grow between two people over time. I, for one, do not have the time to test it. Emily also is in a precarious position and needs to make a hasty decision, regardless of whether love exists between us or not.”

  “She already loves you, you idiot!” Lilith spat.

  “I am aware of that,” Roderick responded coolly. “Or at least she believes it to be the case.”

  He glanced at Emily and gave her a sympathetic smile.

  “And you are
taking advantage of that, without the same return of affection?” Willard questioned.

  “I have affection for her. I will treat her like a queen!” Roderick insisted.

  “I believe I have some say in this,” Emily finally entered the conversation. “I know you all want the best for me. I have held off marriage because I wanted to marry someone who had the same interests as myself, who I could love. There are many elements about Roderick I do love.” She gave him a nervous glance. “I believe he could learn to love me. It will just take some time to heal the wound in his heart. After what Roderick has been through, I believe you will all agree that it has caused him to doubt love. He has never had a true chance to discover how love should be exchanged. He needs a lesson in love, and I plan on giving it to him!”

  “Bravo,” Willard said softly, “And good luck to you, Emily. I just hope you have not bitten off more than you can chew. Thawing out Roderick’s heart may take a lifetime on your part.”

  “He treats me kindly enough. He will just have to prove himself loyal to me as well, which he claims he is.”

  “You have only known him for the last week. That is no test at all! You have a lifetime together, don’t forget.” Willard cautioned.

  “There are two years before an heir is due. When I am satisfied that Roderick wants to conceive a child out of love, instead of mere desire and lust, I will be a true wife to him. Until then, I will consent to marry him because I love him. However, as he suggested when he first approached me with this proposition,” she looked straight into Roderick’s eyes, “I will be a wife in name only. Until he discovers whether he loves me or not, it will remain such.”

  Roderick’s mouth dropped open.

  “You, cannot hold me to that! After the way we…” he did not finish the sentence and Emily blushed, thinking how wanton she had become when they were together.