The Winter Before

by Karen Crompton

  “You think I don’t try?” Isaac spun away again, frustration clouding his thoughts, the cold night air stinging his skin.

  He’d fought like crazy not to scratch at his scars, but his resolve was wavering and he could feel the familiar itch biting at the tips of his fingers.

  He took a deep breath, and for a split-second, Olivia saw his mask begin to crumble, the pain and hurt within seeping out.

  “I’m not whole. I’m not a real man,” he mumbled under his breath, but Olivia heard him. He stopped after three steps and turned back to her again, his broken heart obvious in his desperate expression. “I can’t give you what you need. I’m too damaged. We’re done. This is over.”

  Olivia’s chest felt like it was caving in on her.

  She ached for the beautifully damaged man that was standing in front of her. She didn’t know how to make him see himself the way she saw him. Isaac believed he wasn’t a whole man. But he was.

  He was more than whole. He was everything.

  “So that’s it. You’re just giving up on me. Giving up on us?”

  Isaac lifted one shoulder and strode back to the truck. “There is no us.”

  And when he kicked the engine over and drove away without so much as another glance back in Olivia’s direction, she let him go.

  She had no choice.

  He’d just given her his answer.

  The front door closed behind her, and Olivia felt her heart shatter into a thousand tiny pieces. A choked sob lifted to her throat and she barely made it down the hallway and into her bedroom before she collapsed onto the bed and broke down completely.

  She gulped in air, but that proved difficult with her face buried in her pillow, so she rolled onto her side and cried with a new wave of misery that made her tremble and shake as she looked out the window into nothing but the never-ending darkness.

  Isaac’s truck wasn’t parked in the barn, and through her tears and her torment she still worried about him and wondered where he might be.

  She snatched up her phone and considered calling him, her finger hovering over his name. But then she stopped. Her shoulders fell and her head dropped. Isaac wasn’t going to answer her call. She knew that much. He was a grown man who didn’t need anyone looking out for him. He’d said as much, many times. And she got the impression she was the very last person he’d want to hear from.

  He’d made that perfectly clear when he’d up and left her standing alone in that parking lot like he couldn’t get away from her fast enough.

  “Argh!” she yelled, tossing the phone onto her bed.

  What was the point? There was no coming back from the things they’d just said to one another. There was no hope left, they were no longer together.

  He’d crushed her.

  Left her with a gaping hole in her chest.

  And no noise came out of her mouth when a fresh round of tears flooded her eyes, her heart screaming louder than anything else, and she sank deep into her bed and cried and cried, until she eventually fell asleep with nothing surrounding her but that damn, God-awful darkness.

  Olivia’s phone rang, and she sat up groggily, blinking at the sunlight flooding her small bedroom. She looked all around, confused and bleary-eyed.

  What time was it?

  She scrubbed her hands over her face and stretched to the end of her bed for her phone. “Hello?”

  “Oh, nice to see you’re finally awake!”

  “I’m not in the mood, Tate,” she replied, pushing her messy hair back out of her face. “What time is it?”

  “Late. After one. I’ve been trying to call you all morning. Are you alright?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “You don’t sound fine.”

  “Well, I am. I’m just really tired and I don’t feel great. I must be coming down with something…”

  “Don’t take me for a fool, Liv.”

  “I promise you, I’m perfectly…”

  “If you say fine again, then I’m going to have to drive out there and check for myself. And I promise you, you won’t want that!” Tate hesitated slightly, and then took a deep breath. “Look, I… I heard what happened with you and Isaac last night. I’m so sorry, Liv. Please, tell me you’re okay?”

  Olivia blinked away the foggy haze. “I assume the whole town is talking about it?”

  “Yeah, pretty much,” Tate sighed. “But I don’t care about any of that. All I’m interested in is you. Have you spoken to him today?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Why would I bother?”

  “That’s the attitude!”

  “Tate. Seriously, I’m not in the mood for—”

  “Tough shit! You’re going to listen to me whether you like it or not. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you have been a different person these last few months, Liv. You’ve been happy—like the good kind of happy. And we all know why…” Tate exhaled slowly. “Isaac makes you happy. You should be with whoever makes you feel that way.”

  “Yeah, well, apparently I don’t get a say in that.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Olivia opened her mouth to speak, then shook her head. “Isaac doesn’t think he’s enough for me. He thinks I deserve more than him. But… but, I just… oh, God, Tate, I can’t make him listen to me. He’s all I want. All I’ll ever want. He’ll always be enough. More than enough.”

  “He’s nothing like the guys you’ve gone out with before. Especially not Kyle. Doesn’t that say something? Those relationships didn’t work out for a reason. He’s selling you short. Doesn’t he trust you?”

  Trust.

  The word rolled around and around inside Olivia’s sleepy head, dragging her back to the moment Isaac had asked her that very question. The day he’d taken her to the Glenrock Theatre. Trust.

  That was it. Trust. Isaac didn’t trust her.

  And that made her mad. It made her angry and afraid. But more angry than anything else. She’d not done anything to deserve that and she deserved an explanation.

  “I’ll call you later. I promise,” Olivia told Tate, jumping to her feet, racing around the room while she clambered to get changed. “I’ll explain more when I know more. But for now, Im sick of this shit. I have to go.”

  Stomping up Isaac’s front stairs, Olivia exhaled a puff of white that quickly dissipated into the winter wonderland that surrounded her. Isaac’s truck was parked in its usual spot. He was home.

  He was home, and he hadn’t come to her.

  She paused a moment to catch her breath, and to blink away her hurt, resting her hand on the porch railing. And then she stopped breathing altogether when she noticed it. Just sitting there like it belonged, like it had been there from the very beginning and nothing else made sense.

  At the end of the porch, instead of the single wicker chair, was the love seat Isaac had made, the one that until recently had been kept out in the barn. It faced out over the valley, in the exact same spot as the wicker chair—overlooking the fields and the horse corrals of distant properties.

  Her heart skipped a beat.

  But she didn’t let it distract her.

  Filled with the rage of every heartbroken, scorned woman who had ever come before her, Olivia wanted answers, and she wanted them, now.

  She climbed the stairs and knocked hard on the front door, and when Isaac opened it—standing in front of her with a face as solemn as his name—her heart stopped for real this time.

  “Why don’t you trust me?” she shouted.

  Isaac looked paler than usual. He looked like a shadow of a man. He didn’t look surprised to see Olivia standing at his door, uninvited, but he sure as hell looked confused. “I beg your pardon?”

  “You asked me once, if I trusted you. I said yes. Why don’t you trust me?”

  “I do.”

  “No, you don’t.” Olivia pulled her coat a little tighter around her body, fighting off the biting cold of the late December afternoon. “You don’t trust me wi
th your heart.”

  “Olivia—”

  “You don’t trust that I’ll take care of it. You don’t trust that I’ll put it before anything and everyone else.” She stopped abruptly and inhaled deeply. Her throat felt too tight for her voice, it shuddered and croaked, but she didn’t let that slow her. “You don’t trust me when I tell you how much I want to be with you.”

  “Stop.”

  “You don’t trust me when I tell you how brave you are. Or that you can do anything if you put your mind to it.”

  “Please, that’s not—”

  “You don’t trust me when I tell you how special you are. Or how handsome you are. Or how insanely sexy your body is. Or how good you look when you’re working out.”

  “Olivia. Stop.” Isaac’s voice sounded odd, as if his lips were cold and they weren’t working properly. “That’s enough.”

  But it wasn’t enough, and Olivia knew that. It would never be enough and even if she spent a lifetime trying to convince him otherwise, she might not get anywhere at all.

  But she had to try.

  “And you don’t trust me when I tell you… tell you that—” A sad hiccup followed that she quickly swallowed down. “That I’ve fallen head over heels in love with you and that’s not going to change anytime soon. I don’t want anyone else. So just know, you can break up with me all you want, but there won’t be anyone else. I won’t be rushing out to go on picnics with other men. I won’t be going out to dinner with them. I won’t be swimming in the lake with shirtless boys who aren’t you, because—”

  Tears slipped free and Olivia wiped roughly at her face with the back of her hand.

  “Because I won’t have time for any of that. I’ll be too busy trying to piece my heart back together, because the man I’ve fallen hopelessly and desperately in love with, doesn’t love me back.”

  Isaac moved so quickly across the porch that his outline blurred and his long hair flew back behind his shoulders. He wrapped his arms around Olivia so tightly that their chests pressed together and their hearts found an identical pattern.

  “You think I don’t love you?” He threw his head back manically and he swore so loud it made Olivia cringe. “You think I don’t fucking love you?”

  Olivia’s eyes widened and a look of shock skated over her features. Isaac had never used that word in front of her before and she was surprised. He dropped his arms and let her go, paced up and down the porch like a man who was teetering on insanity.

  He paused for the briefest moment, running his hands back through his hair, before he rushed toward her again and scooped her up in his arms.

  Olivia let out a squeal, and Isaac strode back into the house before she could say anything else, with no worry of the open door or the flurry of snowflakes that followed them inside.

  Olivia held on, her hands wrapped tightly around Isaac’s neck. Her brain raced a million miles an hour. She wasn’t sure what was happening. None of it made any sense, but she didn’t protest and Isaac made no attempt to slow down.

  She expected Isaac to put her down on the couch, or maybe even sit her down at the kitchen bench so that they might finish their discussion.

  But he didn’t.

  He strode down the hallway like a man on a mission and kicked his bedroom door open with his foot.

  The door hit the wall behind, and her breath stalled when he dropped her into the middle of his king-size bed.

  “Isaac. What. Are we—”

  He silenced her with his hand and then crawled up onto the bed beside her. “You think I don’t love you?” he whispered. His left hand slid into her hair and he inhaled deeply as he took a fistful between his fingers. “How can you possibly think that?” He inhaled again, soaking her up and letting her scent seep in. His lips touched her cheek—a faint brush stroke across a flawless canvas. “I’ve loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. You’re all I’ve ever wanted. You’re all I’ve ever dreamed about.”

  His hair mixed with hers, hanging across her cheek as they lay beside one another, clinging to each other in a what felt like desperation.

  Isaac closed his eyes, and Olivia rolled in toward him, begging him to look at her, and when he did, it suddenly felt as if the world was spinning upside down.

  “I love you, too. I love you so much it hurts,” she said, cradling his face. “You fascinate me, you always have. But it’s more than that. You are so courageous, and so kind. You’re strong and more powerful than you ever give yourself credit for. You’re selfless, and you’re sweet. You’re thoughtful and you make me feel safe. You’re honest, and you’re generous. And I’ve fallen so deeply in love with you that I can’t think straight when you’re around.”

  Olivia heard the swift intake of Isaac’s breath. He lowered his forehead to hers and then stilled completely beside her. His hands stayed in her hair. His lips hovered over her peach-colored skin, and his dark, dark eyes told her all his secrets, all the things he wanted to confess to her.

  “I love you so much,” he said softly.

  Olivia exhaled a gentle sigh that felt like feathers drifting on a breeze. It floated and fell over her and all she saw when she closed her eyes was pure, flawless white. She saw the letters of each beautiful word forming behind her eyes, she felt their weight and their shape and she smiled as her heart paused.

  Her eyes closed and then she felt something else altogether. She felt Isaac’s lips cover her mouth, as if he were seeking her out; as if she’d been hiding all this time and he’d just now found her.

  And Olivia slipped straight into that kiss with an open mouth and an open heart that begged to be found.

  Isaac’s whiskers were soft against her cheek, the weight of his body crawling over her almost as delicious as the weight of her feelings for him, and Olivia knew life as she knew it would never be the same again.

  Clothes came off in an awkward rush of limbs and long legs that got in the way, and soon enough it was bare skin pressed against bare skin and for the first time in months there was literally nothing between them, nothing to hide behind and Olivia kissed Isaac over and over again until he had no choice but to believe her and she knew with every soothing caress he was learning to trust.

  Her tongue slid between his teeth and he kept her there, enjoying the warm friction it created and Isaac’s hands wandered and discovered places that he’d never been to before.

  It was raw, and rough, and soft and slow, and it was filled with so much desire that neither one of them could have stopped what was happening even if they’d wanted to.

  Isaac’s body was all muscle and lean lines. His back arched and his eyes closed, and then they were one, and Olivia bit back a scream that held Isaac’s name and she opened up to him in ways that she never expected.

  He was inside her and it felt so good she thought she might combust from the pleasure, and from the pain, and from everything else she felt in that exquisite moment.

  They didn’t think too hard or too long about what was happening. And for the time being, they just felt. They felt each other moving. They felt their stomachs sliding together. They felt bare breasts being pressed hard against muscled chests, hands fisted into clean sheets, sweat trickling down their backs.

  They felt a rhythm forming between them.

  A constant rhythm that was building gradually toward something bigger than either one of them. Bigger than the mountains, or the sky, or the gorges that fell between the two.

  And when they found it, when they found that elusive cliff they’d been teetering on for what felt like a lifetime, they tumbled together, over the edge, and happily freefall into the unknown.

  When the new dawn pushed ashen fingers through low-lying clouds, Olivia curled onto her side, facing Isaac’s bare back as he stood across the bedroom from her, pulling on his clothes.

  The sun lifted lazily over the mountains, but the sky rumbled with thunder that threatened in the distance. It had to be close to six in the morning, she guessed, by the gentle light th
at filtered through the window and touched Isaac’s pale skin.

  They hadn’t left Isaac’s house for the remainder of the day before. In fact, they had only left the bedroom to shower together, and then eat a quick dinner of soup and crackers, before they’d crawled back under the covers again and Isaac made up for lost time.

  They’d talked about everything.

  The future. The past.

  He’d kissed her, and touched her, and they’d made love over and over again, until they were both completely exhausted and fell asleep wrapped up in each other’s arms.

  Isaac wore a soft smile on his face that was hidden beneath a mass of damp, tangled hair and Olivia slept so soundly she didn’t think she’d ever wake up.

  But Isaac searched her out throughout the night with warm kisses and cool hands that explored her body as if he was looking to find his way home, and Olivia had welcomed him into her body, and into her heart.

  He’d spent hours worshipping her skin with his mouth, and his eyes followed her and his heart followed his eyes, and Isaac fell more in love with the beautiful woman lying beside him than he ever thought possible.

  It was the feelings that surprised him the most.

  The swirling colors that filled his eyes and drowned out everything else. His skin was no longer crimson, his fears no longer black and gray. All he saw was white and peach and blue, blue eyes.

  “Where are you going?” asked Olivia, gently. Her skin was warm but the room was cold, so she pulled the covers up higher over her naked breasts and Isaac turned to look at her.

  Turns out, Isaac wasn’t so much a leg man after all. No. He was definitely a breast man. He blinked, fighting the urge to climb back into the bed. Yep. Definitely a breast man.

  Olivia was beautiful. She always had been. But right there in that moment, Olivia Parker had never looked more beautiful with her sleepy eyes and her messy hair spread across his pillow.

  “I’m going for a run. Before it rains.”

  “You didn’t run last night?”

  Isaac shook his head, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “No. Had other things to do last night.”