When My Soul Met A Thug

by Jessica N Watkins

  I was standing at the microwave waiting for the slices to finish warming up when Remi stumbled into the kitchen. She was doing a horrible job of carrying a heavy load of red cups, plates, and other garbage. I drunkenly went to help her and only made matters worse. As I attempted to take some things from her, I fumbled, and everything fell to the floor.

  “Shit,” I cursed softly.

  We both bent down to pick it all up, laughing at our clumsiness.

  “Oh God, we are drunk as shit,” Remi whispered with a laugh.

  We squatted, trying to pick things up, but just kept dropping stuff everywhere. We just sat there laughing, hands on each other’s knee for support. My hand slid up her thigh a bit closer, just for support, but she stopped laughing and looked at it. A bolt of electricity struck between us as her eyes came up to met mine. It was the sort of electric, tightrope feeling that you get between you and another person. It felt like looking over the hill of a rollercoaster you're about to go down when the rollercoaster does the little fake-out stop at the top. It was teasing and even a bit scary, but the ride was laid out in front of me, and I was riiight about to go over the hill.

  The electricity was pulling us towards each other despite our reluctance.

  Then… the microwave started to wail, causing us both to jump to our feet.

  I sighed deeply and broke the eye contact as I stood up. “Why don’t you go sleep off that liquor before you have to do some real work? I got this.”

  She laughed nervously as she stood as well. She nervously ran her hands over her scrub pants. “You’re right. Thanks.”

  “Good night, Remi.”

  She turned bashfully and disappeared down the hall after sweetly saying, “Good night.”

  18

  Angel

  Two weeks later, the party was over. Life had completely left True’s home. All I felt was death surrounding us. Her end was near. She mostly slept. Whenever she was awake, she experienced delusions. Her weakness had become profound, and she was having trouble even moving around in bed. She had less and less interest in eating. She had trouble swallowing her medication. She was often confused about time, places, and people. Her legs, arms, and face often twitched randomly with involuntary muscle spasms. She was quickly losing her senses. Her vision was so blurry that many times, she could not see at all. When she would speak, often, it was slurred.

  That tumor had squeezed nearly all functionality from my daughter’s brain, and I felt helpless. I was her mother. I was supposed to be able to help her and protect her from the boogie man and monsters. But I could not fight this monster off of her.

  Nobody could.

  I sat in a chair next to her bed, rubbing what little hair she had left as she stared at the TV.

  She started to struggle, trying to speak.

  “What’s wrong, honey?” I asked.

  “Where…are the…kids?” she struggled. “I want to…see…them.”

  Behind her back, I cringed. Joy couldn’t see her like this. We had been keeping her out of the room for the last few days, only allowing her to see her mommy whenever True was sleeping. Anything else was too hard to explain.

  “Coop took them to the park.”

  Finally, it was March, and there had been a break in the weather. Spring was coming. The sun was finally out and shining. It was still only about fifty degrees, but Coop had bundled the kids up in jackets and hats so they could finally enjoy some fresh air and sunshine.

  I couldn’t tell whether True was sighing with relief or if she was struggling to breathe. “Remi went with them, right?”

  “Yes.” Remi was a sweetheart. She had grown so attached to our family that she had been offering to do double shifts. I believed she wanted to be sure to be here during True’s transitioning.

  True nodded. “Good.”

  Then I shook my head in bewilderment. “What’s your obsession with that girl?”

  True smiled. “Nothing.”

  I continued to watch her oddly as she reached under her pillow. She pulled out an envelope and handed it to me. “Here.”

  “What’s this?”

  “It’s a letter, but I don’t want you to open it until a week after I’m gone. Promise me.”

  I looked at the envelope in sheer confusion. “What? True, what are—”

  “Ma, just promise me.”

  I sighed, shaking my head. I slipped the envelope on the dresser behind me as I nodded my head. “I promise.”

  I yearned to know what was inside that letter. However, everything that True wanted was the law. I would never defy her, so I obeyed her wishes.

  As I looked at her strangely, True placed a hand on one of mine. “And, Ma?”

  “Yes, baby?”

  She struggled to speak. “I don’t…want…an open cask—”

  I instantly cut her off. “True…”

  But she stopped me by squeezing my hand with the little strength she had. “Mama, please? We have to…talk about this.” Tears burned my eyes. My thin lips pressed tightly together as I allowed her to go on. “Don’t have…an ….open casket. I want people to remember me how…I used to look, not…like…this.”

  A tear slid down my face as I nodded. “Okay.”

  “And make sure it’s…” She coughed and forced out, “…a party. No sad songs. No crying. Just…happy memories of me with…joyous music. Okay?”

  Sadly, I complied, “Okay.”

  “Just dancing and singing…” She reached up and began to wipe my tears away, which only made me cry even more because her hands felt so cold.

  REMI

  Coop had been in a solemn mood all day. For the past two weeks, he had been managing to keep a smile on his face around True, her mom, and the kids. But today, it was as if he just couldn’t do it anymore. From the moment he woke up, he had been wearing his emotions on his sleeve. And with a big man like him moping angrily around the house, everyone felt it.

  It had been so hard for him to focus on his rec center’s grand opening that was set to take place in two days on Friday. Rakim had had to step in and do a lot for him because Coop could hardly focus on anything except True.

  Once at the park, he pretended to be happy as he played with Joy while I held Keyes, but I could tell his heart was heavy.

  Beyond watching his sadness with so much empathy, I did enjoy my private time with Keyes. I was twenty-seven years old and childless. I wanted a baby so bad. But having lost the love of my life, I no longer saw that in my future. I didn’t know when I would ever love again. It would take years possibly; probably when I was so old that I no longer wished to have kids.

  “You ready?”

  I looked up from Keyes’ drooling smile and into Coop’s ever-present sorrow. He looked ashamed to even be showing me his weakness. I gave him a weak smile so he would know it was okay.

  Then I nodded. “Sure.”

  I gathered the baby bag and my purse and then followed Coop as he moped towards his car hand in hand with Joy.

  I got Keyes into his car seat. He was now two months old. His features made him an exact replica of Coop. He was a gorgeous baby and already a very handsome boy.

  As Coop buckled Joy into her car seat, I heard him grunting. I looked up and saw him struggling with the buckle. Keyes was in tight, so I shut the door and went around the car to assist Coop, who looked like he was ready to punch a hole in something.

  Once on his side, I lay a hand on his shoulder, and he jumped. He spun around with such a threatening look in his eyes that I stepped back with concern. He instantly felt remorse. Suddenly, he broke down in sobs. I was taken aback. The way his tears were tumbling down told me he had been holding this breakdown in for quite some time. I wrapped my arms around him. He was so tall that he had to bend down to hug me back. I wrapped my arms around his neck and rocked him from side to side.

  “This shit hurts,” he cried.

  Hearing such a huge man express his pain through tears instantly triggered mine. “I know.”
/>   “I’m not ready,” he confessed. “I can’t do this.”

  I continued to rock Coop gently and slowly as I told him, “No one can ever be ready. But you have to be strong for True. You can cry all you want after she’s gone, but you can’t scare her with your anger. You don’t want to make her worry about you. Please stay strong until the end. You can do this.”

  At the moment, I was being a caring nurse, talking to my patient’s loved one, but in such a short amount of time, I had also become Coop’s friend. I had created a bond with this family that went beyond our professional relationship. True truly was not just a patient, and Coop wasn’t just my patient’s loved one. They were my support as well.

  “Why her?” he cried into my shoulder. “Why does it have to be her? It’s not fair.”

  “Cancer… Dying… None of it is fair,” I answered as I rubbed his back, trying to soothe him.

  “I thought she had more time,” Coop sobbed.

  “With cancer, we can’t predict the exact time that a patient will go.”

  He cried into my shoulder, “I can’t breathe watching her go,” and my heart broke for him. “I can’t breathe.”

  Once back at True’s, Angel put Keyes to bed. She allowed Joy a few minutes to sit with her mother. But it was only brief because that was all the time True could handle with Joy’s excessive, toddler energy. I took her to put her to bed while Coop crawled into bed with True and spooned her thin body.

  When I returned to her bedroom to administer her meds, I expected her to be fast asleep, but Coop was the one who had finally fallen asleep. For the last few days, he had been restless and had been up with me during my third shift. We spent a lot of time talking about any and everything to get his mind off of True’s transitioning.

  As I stood by her bed, I noticed her looking up at me with a smile.

  I matched hers, happy to see it. “How are you feeling?”

  “Have you talked to Banks?”

  I giggled at the stern look in her eyes. Neither she nor Coop felt like it was healthy that I talked to Banks. They had been so transparent with me that I had shared with them my drunken, failed suicide attempt and depression over the last year. However, they didn’t know about me and Banks’ sex session that had come with breakfast.

  “That’s not what I asked you. How are you feeling, True?” I pressed.

  She smiled. “Have you talked to him or not?”

  I folded my arms across my chest. “Why?”

  “I don’t want to talk about how I feel. This is what I want to talk about.”

  I shuttered from embarrassment. Giving in, I sat down in a chair close to her bed and answered, “No.”

  That wasn’t a total lie. I hadn’t talked to him since stupidly sleeping with him two weeks ago. He had been calling me randomly ever since, but I was too pissed at him and myself to answer. I had nothing to say to Banks. As far as I knew, he was still a married man with a newborn.

  My fat ass didn’t fit anywhere into that equation.

  “Do you still want to be with him?” True asked.

  “I think it’s beyond that. It doesn’t matter whether I want to be with him. Regardless of what I want, I don’t need him.”

  “Are you scared to love again?” she pressed.

  My eyebrows curled at her question. “Why?”

  “Don’t be,” she simply said as her eyes fluttered shut and she drifted off to sleep.

  I giggled. “Good night, True.”

  I went to stand, but suddenly, her arm darted out and grabbed my wrist.

  I looked down at her strangely.

  She looked up at me, saying, “Seriously, Remi, don’t be afraid to love again.”

  19

  Remi

  “I’m not going,” Coop refused. I had never seen him be so stern and cold when he talked to Angel.

  Standing behind Coop, I looked at Angel, shaking my head. She had a hell of a fight ahead of her.

  “Coop, you’ve been waiting for this for months. You have to go,” Angel fussed.

  “I don’t have to do shit.” Angel’s eyebrow rose, and Coop immediately apologized for his obscene remark. “No offense.”

  With her finger pointed at him, she stepped into his space and pressed her acrylic nail into his chest. “Oh, you’re going, because if my baby finds out that you didn’t because of her, she’s going to feel horrible.”

  Coop couldn’t argue with the tears in Angel’s eyes.

  He simply nodded. “Okay.”

  It was admirable the way Angel had made this giant fold so quickly.

  She then looked at me, and I instantly felt regret for what she was about to say next. “And you’re going with him.”

  I gasped. “What? Why?”

  “Because she’ll want pictures and video footage of him. Besides, she would want you there.”

  Inwardly sighing, I replied, “Okay.”

  Angel nodded sharply, made an about-face, and darted out of the room towards True’s bedroom.

  “Will she even know if I am here or not?” Coop asked me with reluctant eyes as he waited for my answer.

  Remorsefully, I told him, “Honestly, she won’t. But her spirit will.”

  At this point, True was only responsive randomly. She had been having delusions. Her breaths were so sporadic that we wondered if the next one would come. She hadn’t talked in an entire day. She had only responded to us in moans and groans, so we knew she could hear us.

  “I don’t wanna miss…” Coop struggled. “I don’t wanna…”

  I lay a hand on his shoulder to stop him. I knew what he wanted to say, but he found the courage to ask, “How long does she have? Keep it real with me.”

  I chewed on my bottom lip and forced myself to be a professional, instead of a friend. “A day… Maybe two…Maybe” He gritted and walked towards the kitchen counter, leaning on it for strength. I walked towards him cautiously. When he didn’t push me away, I lay a soothing hand on his back. “She has enough time for you to go to the opening, come back, and spend every minute with her that she has left,” I assured him. “Angel is right. If she even feels that you missed that opening because of her, she’ll be upset.”

  He whipped around and looked at me with fear in his eyes. “’Enough time for you to go? You’re coming, right?”

  I sighed. “I don’t think Angel left me with much of a choice.”

  “Good.” I exhaled with relief. “I need you there.”

  As Coop walked away, I stood there shocked at where I had ended up. I wondered how I had become so involved in this family, but I appreciated the experience. They had taught me so much about gratefulness and true love in such a short amount of time. For that, I would be forever grateful for True.

  ♫I drink 'til I'm drunk (yeah), smoke 'til I'm high (yeah)

  Castle on the hill (well damn), wake up in the sky

  You can't tell me I ain't fly (you can't tell me I ain't fly)

  I know I'm super fly (I know), I know I'm super fly (I know)

  The ladies love the luxury (yeah)

  That's why they all fuck with me (woo)

  Out here with the moves (yeesh) like I invented smooth

  You can't tell me I ain't fly (you can't tell me I ain't fly)

  I know I'm super fly (I know), I know I'm super fly♫

  That afternoon, Coop stood on the makeshift stage in the center of the lobby of his rec center. He looked exceptionally handsome in a Gucci button-up and matching jeans and shoes. His jewelry was more exquisite than the five thousand dollars worth of fabric he was wearing.

  He looked good, but as I focused on him through my phone’s camera while recording him, the sadness in his eyes was undeniable. He was physically there but mentally checked out as he took the mic from Rakim and the deejay cut the music.

  All eyes were on him, and the crowd began to clap, cheer, and chant his name. From what he had told me, in the crowd were politicians, teachers, a few of the Bears and Bulls players, and parents and
children from in the neighborhood. But, since I was once the wifey of a dope boy, I also saw some hustlas that he probably ran with and bitches that had gotten wind of his opening and had come dressed scantily, hoping to get his attention.

  “Speeeech!” Rakim bellowed from behind him on the stage.

  The crowd agreed with Rakim and started encouraging Coop to speak with more cheering.

  Everyone around him was happy and excited, but he wouldn’t even crack a smile. But from what I had learned about Coop, most in attendance assumed it was just his norm. Only Rakim and I knew he was suffering emotionally.

  Coop cleared his throat and began his speech by first saying, “I want to thank everyone for coming out today for the grand opening of the Keyes to Joy Recreation Center. Shout out the contractors and my partner, Rakim, who helped make this all possible. This center is for the young men in this community who want to do something positive with their lives. I was raised in the system. I ended up in the streets, and I am a product of my environment. But thank God I didn’t end up dead or in prison. This center was established so that I can keep a lot of other young men out of the penitentiary and the grave, especially those in the system.” The crowd broke out in thunderous applause. Coop held his hand up for them to quiet down, and they did. “I want to also give a very, very special thank you to a beautiful soul and the mother of my baby boy, Keyes. His name means to rejoice, and every time I think about his mother, my heart rejoices.” The crowd interrupted him with a series of aaahs and Coop fought tears to speak over them. “She… Um… She can’t be here today.” His voice cracked. I held my breath, wondering if I should go run up there to console him. But Rakim quickly stood by his side and placed a soothing arm around his shoulders. Coop cleared his throat, stopping the emotion that was threatening to pour from his eyes. He forced out, “She can’t be here today, and I’d like for anyone in here that believes in any higher being to say a special prayer for True Jenkins.”