Beggar

by Shan R. K

  Spade is relentless today. ‘It's for your own good’ my ass.

  My morning started crappy, it's just past 11am and it hasn't gotten better.

  “92... I don't see those abs tight Beggar.”

  The sweat drips from my forehead down into my eye. My hands are criss cross over my chest. Fingers locked firmly over my shoulders as I complete one hundred ab curls.

  We’re on the top floor aka the training room. Spade is relentless, pushing me for the past two hours. It’s closing on midday and normally by this time I'm enjoying the hot tub downstairs while Venus tries to psycho-analyze me. But Spade kept me here.

  “Enough, you're done.”

  My chest expands and contracts at a rapid speed, my breathing- loud.

  Spade turns his back on me, walking across to the treadmill and gets on.

  The guy's a machine. He always has excess energy. It's crazy. Venus should spend more time with Spade than worrying about me. Clearly I'm not the one with screws loose.

  The long tights I'm wearing stick to my ass as I get up. Yesterday Chadley dropped off some new clothes for me. Two jeans, six t-shirts, some panties, two white vests and a pair of training tights. I was so grateful, it was more than any one has ever given me freely.

  Killer however seemed disappointed and threw his black card on the bed, which Chadley snatched up in seconds with doughy eyes. Those said eyes quickly lost some of the sparkle when he told her to give it to Venus.

  I had no clue what happened there or why, until Venus popped in after my fiasco with Zero, carrying parcels of more clothes and make up with shoes and so much stuff that I left it all in the room and showed up for training twenty minutes early.

  Killer buying me so much stuff, I'm not sure how to deal with it. I don’t like to feel that I owe him something and I already know he’ll say I owe him nothing. What he doesn't know is that just hearing those words would break the last bit of humanity in me.

  I walk across the blue training mats where the others fight each other at night. I pull the rope as I pass it to go fetch my water on the round plastic table by the door.

  The water glides down easily, and I capture the cold feeling that slides down to my belly cooling me down.

  A week ago I was living in the frigid cold worrying about my next meal and whether I’ll ever escape my monster. I think back to my morning, was it really that bad.

  Today I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and this bottle of water to cool my heated flesh. Today for the first time in years, my monsters hazel eyes didn't haunt me.

  Today for the first time in years I felt awakened. I felt powerful because for the first time in a long time I allowed a man to touch me. I wanted a man to kiss me, own me. I guess it wasn't crappy after all.

  Zero made me feel things in that moment I shouldn't have felt for him. The Enforcer of The Satan Snipers made me want things I had no business wanting. He isn't mine. When I refused to go further he proved it. His words hurt me because I gave him something I didn't give anyone else and he rejected it.

  But I've heard worse, I’ve been treated so much worse.

  At least he stopped, at least he didn't force me. I've told myself that over an over again but this tug in my chest just won't ease up.

  I'm not a girl that gets to feel like this over a man. I'm used goods, a filthy dirty beggar, a nobody. I have nothing to offer a man besides my scarred body, dead soul and loads of fucked-upness.

  But I felt something today, maybe I'm not as dead as I thought, as dead as my monster honed me to be. As the thought comes to mind I chuckle as I finish my water, how stupid I am. No one can go through what I've been through and still keep their soul. No one can do what I've done and not lose their goodness.

  And besides, Zero made it clear he regrets what we shared. What we felt or I felt was wrong, even though it felt good, explosive. It was probably nothing for him, he’ll get his happy ending with Falon, she’s his girl. Not a filthy beggar like me who's sponging off the club, and getting charity off the people in the house whilst training to be one of them.

  Not me, I’m the homeless girl and I mustn't forget that. If I make a wrong move I could find myself on the streets again. God knows I don't want that. I need this, I need the people more. It won't be long until my monster finds me. He’ll never leave me be.

  My mother said that if it felt good doesn't mean it was right. Zero hates me but I won't hate him, I can't. He is the reason I'm here, him and Falon.

  Which is why I made a new rule from a lesson learnt, Zero is off limits.

  The door smacks open and I jump back just in time to miss getting knocked in by the glass door.

  “Spade, church now, Prez needs us.” Bulls deep frown as he spots me behind the door is something I expect. The child running from behind him and right in to me is something I don't.

  I glance down at the boy. He got the bluest eyes I’ve seen on one other person staring right back at me. His little arms wrap around my waist, “Uncle Kevin is coming say I'm not here.”

  You know that moment where everything happens so fast that you don't get a chance to respond, or say anything. Well that's what is happening now.

  “Aron my man.” Spade walks up from behind me, and I know why. He doesn't want me to hurt the kid. I know he’ll knock me out before I get a chance but there's no need. I love kids. And besides, Bull is standing right here, he could just flick me across the room like a fly and I’ll be lights out.

  Aron doesn't let go of me though and I smile down at the little boy when he tilts his head to see behind me and his brown hair flops to one side, “Hey Uncle Thomas, I'm staying with you guys tonight. Aunt D and Ky are coming to pick me up in the morning.” Aron’s face lights up and I fall hard for the kid when I see the dimple peeping out on his left cheek.

  Spade walks up to him and ruffles his hair, careful not to touch me.

  Bull clears his throat, “Gotta go man.” Spade’s lithe body moves past us.

  The kid is still holding me around my waist like a life line. I expect him to let me go. He is holding on to my waist for a few minutes now.

  Bull turns to go but stops and stares at Aron, his face softening. Which is a first from the moody biker. “You stay with this lady, ‘til Killer gets you, got it.”

  Bull doesn't wait for a reply before his heavy footfalls get distant in his retreat.

  I peer down at the kid, at a loss. His little fingers tugging my ponytail.

  “Your hair is pretty like Aunt Ky. What's your name? Do you like PlayStation? Are you a Dodgers fan. My dad hates the Dodgers, do you like ice-cream? I only like the caramel fudge, my dad says ice-cream is ice-cream and I shouldn't be fussy just glad that I can have any, but uncle Michael says my dads a moron because caramel fudge is the best flavor but what would he know ‘cause he never tasted it....Bu..”

  “Whoa there kid one question at a time, yeah.” His face turns Crimson, and I think the kid is going to start bawling. Instead he bursts out laughing.

  He takes a step back and stares at me. His neck turns to the side like he’s observing me and I realize he’s just waiting for me to answer.

  “Let's see, ah, my name is a secret, but you can call me Beggar.”

  “Cool name for a cool voice, Beggar.” He rolls my name off his tongue like Killer does, I smile at that. This kid is already topping my favorite people list.

  “I don't know what's PlayStation kid and I’ve never watched sports, but ice-creams good.”

  “PlayStation is only the coolest thing ever.” He jumps on the spot. “Can we go see the horses now, Uncle Kevin is gonna be long, he said you’ll take me to see the horses.”

  I look at the denims he’s wearing, they look expensive and the red t-shirt with the crocodile on it I know for a fact is pricey. Will his uncle be okay with him messing his clothes up.

  “How old are you Aron?”

  “Six, why?”

  “Aron.” That voice has us both facing the door.

  I'
m about to reply when Killer walks in seconds after calling the boy. I admit a few days ago when I saw him with his piercings and the tattoos he kept hidden the first night I was speechless and scared spending another night with him, but I know he won't hurt me. No, he is trying to unravel me.

  Killer takes in the scene as only he does, subtle. Trying to see what he sees I glance to Aron standing a few steps away from me, a big grin plastered on his innocent face. I'm holding a water bottle in one hand and the other is on my hip. My vest soaked with sweat.

  “Hey, I was packing away your things, Aron's going to be sleeping with us tonight, took a fold up from one of the spare rooms, you cool with that.”

  My face spreads into a huge smile at the thought, I have no idea why, maybe it's the fact that I've never gotten to spend time with any kid as an adult.

  I feel like I've been offered a moon.

  My day started out dreadful but my after is turning out pretty damn good, and the reason why is standing right in front of me and I'm not talking about the little fellow that can't keep his legs still.

  I'm talking about the guy that's staring at me with a keen interest that I don't want to guess with what.

  “No problem here, I was going to take him to see the horses and for ice-cream.” The words leave my mouth at the same time my eyes find Aron’s eager ones. I divert my attention back to Killer waiting for his answer.

  He shrugs and gives me another look that I pretend not to notice, but I know I'm in trouble.

  Deep trouble.

  Chapter 15

  Zero

  “NOT SURE MAN, SPOKE to the boys in Mississippi, Loui, Kansas. Dexter even went as far as New York, but we don't wanna be digging in Deno’s turf. He’ll take it as an insult and we might just find ourselves in a cross fire with the Famiglia.” Knight explains. I trust the guy, he’s Italian and a war with Famiglia will put Killer in a tight spot. We can't have that.

  We're all sitting in the basement. Our mind on one purpose, finding Jade. Either she's been kidnapped or worse, dead.

  After Beggar fled the room earlier I destroyed half my bedroom. I was angry at myself for wanting her so bad, for losing control. I was furious with her for stopping me and also for making me this way. And those words, what the fuck was I thinking. I called her the very thing I said wouldn't. I threatened her.

  I was losing my fucking mind, so I did the best thing and jumped on my bike and left. Went to see my dad. He wasn't there, so I cooled off at the barn.

  The need to clear my head and get my shit together was potent.

  I’m a grown man acting like a fucking kid who can't keep it in his pants. Then snaps, blaming a twenty one year old for my attraction to her.

  Truth is, I am attracted to Beggar but is it physical or something deeper, I wished I had a fucking clue. We've barely spoken in these past five days. It's all my fault , I've been a snippy snarling jackass to her since I took her to the park.

  I couldn't even fuck Falon without thinking of Beggar, I know I should break things off with Falon. I've never cheated on a woman before. I did it today, I cheated on the woman I wanted to claim. Falon doesn't deserve that, Beggar doesn't deserve it.

  What if I didn't leave Falon and Beggar is the one. What if I did leave Falon and Beggar and I didn't work out.

  My mind raked up questions and answers, by the time I got back two hours later, it was clear that I had to get to know Beggar. I had to risk this with Falon and see if there was anything between Beggar and I besides the urge to fuck her.

  Five days I've watched Beggar talk and smile with my brothers and the women. Five days I held off. I continued to ignore her and treat her badly hoping the urge to want her would wane. But the need, the pull increased. At the same time I've been asking myself why her, why don't I have these feeling for Falon. I care for Falon enough to marry her, well at least I did a week ago. Now I'm ready to dump her and I don't feel an ounce of regret. Fuck my life.

  Today Beggar offered to help me even though I deserve the pain from every punch Killer delivered. I asked him to do it. Storm is suppose to dwell out my punishment ‘cause he’s the VP, but I knew he’ll hold back.

  Killer wouldn't and he didn't. He knew I needed it.

  I hurt her, sent her into a panic because I didn't want to handle the fact that Killer spent his nights in her bed. While I hoped it was me.

  I wanted her to turn to me, to smile at me. Yet she buckled and fought the second my hands made contact with her body. I didn't want to believe it, so when she kicked out, I put my hand on her and held her down. But even though I deserved to suffer she was willing to fix me up, and I didn't hesitate to accept.

  While Beggar massaged me I tried really hard to keep it together. Her calloused hands on my flesh was too much even for a man like me. And I caved into the unwanted yet undeniable pull between us, for that moment I consumed her. The feel of her blunt fingers in my back, her long legs wrapped like a dream around me hips. Her long hair fanned out on my bed, she was everything and more.

  The way she touched me, the way she kissed me. Our mouths fuized like two lost souls connecting for the final time.

  I've never sucked a woman's tongue so hard or kissed a woman as thorough as I kissed Beggar. I’ve never wanted to leave my mark on a woman before, not even Falon.

  When she stopped and refused me, I was thinking maybe she was denying me because she was fucking Killer. So I didn't give her a chance to prove me right.

  I hurt her.

  I rejected her. And I didn't think I’ll feel like I lost something important. I didn't think I would feel like I was experiencing grief in the form of a woman I've met five days ago walking out my door without a backward glance.

  I need Beggar and I know she needs me too, I just got to convince her.

  I planned to go seek her out when I got back and beg for a chance, but all my plans fled to shit when I got the call from Houston and that was that. I hadn't had a chance to think about anything besides finding out who took one of our own.

  “Who was the first person to know she was missing?” Killer asks Storm from his corner in the room.

  “Mercy, Jade promised to call her yesterday when she got to Texas City, they were supposed to meet there before joining up with Moscow and Trader somewhere in Sugar land.” Spade adds from behind me.

  The brother is good friends with Jade. He never claimed her but I know they’ve been sleeping in the same bed for a couple months now. This shit must be hard for him.

  I listen attentively to all that they say while my fingers work furiously on my laptop.

  “Her last known location was Texas City, just picked her up on a traffic cam, shot was taken twenty three hours ago.” I say to them before I meet Storm’s alert gaze.

  Rounder was having a bad day today with the chemo so Falon and Chadley took him for a check up. Texas followed behind them.

  My VP is in charge of this one. So he is going to have to make the call.

  “Prepare to ride tomorrow, I'm not saying Houston can't find our girl, but you the best hunter we got man.” Storm says to me. Which is the truth. It's how I got my name. Zero failed missions, zero missed kills, zero unfound missing persons. And for the past eight years since I got the name it has remained, zero.

  “I’ll go with him.” Spade demands.

  No one argues to that.

  “Get Falon to go to Barfa this weekend and speak to Kandra, maybe she heard something. Knight and Killer you stay, got a bad feeling about this. Don't want the girls and Prez without protection. Snake and I are going on a little racing trip tomorrow night. What do you say man?” I feel Snakes energy across the fucking room. The guy loves speed of any kind.

  “Bull needs to shadow the girls. Venus don't tell them shit, Falon is the only one who needs in. At least until we know more got it.”

  “Yeah.” Venus has been taking it bad since we found out, she was the one to send Jade on the mission.

  Jade was up for getting her tat. We voted her
in a few months back but Rounder said to hold off until she sorted stuff out with her sister, Abby.

  “This was suppose to be a walk in the park, a simple meet up with Mercy, collect some evidence for a client then come back to Kanla. I think the question is not whether she was taken but where was she taken.” Snake points out.

  “And who the fuck took her.” Spade growls from behind me.

  “There's not many people who’ll touch a Satan Sniper. I don't think we should rule out the entire Cosa Nostra. The Famiglia yeah, they too powerful to even bother with that shit, but the outfit is still into trafficking. Jade has a history in that world, it's clear someone could've seen her, recognized her, she did after all kill a dozen of their men.”

  Killer voices exactly what I’ve considered except, “We forgetting one other person who could want her dead.”

  They all stare at me.

  “Mayor Grison.”

  Storm considers the implications this would cause but his eyes harden.

  “Killer, you up brother.” Killer nods but his face looks grim and I know why. His brother's son is spending the night at the clubhouse, he hardly gets to see the kid since he moved in with his dad in New York.

  Killer sees my intent to go in his place but shakes his head at me.

  “Let's get Jade home.” Storm bangs the hammer on the table.

  The mumble agreements from all of us as we walk up the cemented steps to the main floor dies down when Spade opens the door.

  Music is blasting through the clubhouse and there's not a soul in sight. Crazy girl by Eli young band is playing, but it's not playing from the speakers but being sang from a feisty nineteen year old trouble maker.

  Storm’s feet carry him faster than all of us to where the music is coming from, well more to who the music is coming from.

  Knight groans and Bull follows the man to the bar.

  Venus smiles next to me but doesn't move, neither does Killer whose lips are pressed in a harsh line.

  “Your sisters here, what's up your ass?” I ask him.

  Killers snickers, “My sister is here dumbass.” He follows the direction Storm went in.