Without a Net

by Kimberly Cooper Griffin

  Meg took Fiona’s hand. “My god. What did you do?”

  “I don’t remember a whole lot. I know I ran down the bank to the river. I must have fallen at least once because I had gashes on my knees and hands the next day. A man tried to stop me, but I pushed past him. I went to my parents. I moved the blanket. Their eyes were open, but they were gone.” Fiona wiped her eyes, which had welled up with tears.

  “Oh, wow. I can’t even imagine how horrendous that must have been for you.”

  Meg searched her face, but Fiona couldn’t look at her. “I was hysterical at first. They sedated me in the ambulance. Afterward, I didn’t cry at all until the funeral, where I cried until I collapsed.” Fiona wiped away more tears. “I don’t know why I’m crying now. I haven’t cried about it in years. That week is such a blur to me now.”

  Meg squeezed her hand. “Sometimes things need to come out.”

  “Yeah.” Fiona finally looked at Meg and physically shook herself. “I almost cancelled my trip to Thailand but I’m glad I didn’t. I had moments where my grief overwhelmed me, but most of the time there was so much to see and do, I didn’t have time to think about it. I stayed longer than I expected, and by the time I got home, my Aunt had already taken care of selling the house and storing all of their belongings. I came back in time to leave again for school. The first few years of college, I stayed with Aunt Corny in Ithaca during the summer, but when I started law school, I moved into this apartment. I went up to visit when I could, which was a lot since she was the only family I had left. It was on one of those visits that I first saw you in your uncle’s coffee shop.”

  “I wish I had talked to you back then.” Meg rested her chin on her knees.

  “What stopped you?” Fiona knew her own reason was shyness. She didn’t think Meg was very shy.

  “We were always so busy. One time, though, I followed you out of the shop. But when I caught up to you, you turned around so abruptly, I lost my nerve.” Meg laughed. “I walked right by, pretending to dig something out of my apron. I was working, so I walked around the block and went right back into the shop.”

  “Oh, my God!” Fiona covered her face with her hands. “I remember! I said hello as you walked by, but you didn’t respond.”

  Meg looked surprised. “You did? I guess I was too embarrassed to hear you.”

  “How hilarious!” Fiona laughed. “I noticed you too, you know.”

  Meg cocked her head to the side. “It’s weird how we ended up meeting here, huh?”

  “Definitely.” Fiona glanced at the box where the kittens slept.

  “So, after Thailand…?”

  Fiona had almost forgotten she was telling a story. She shrugged. “Nothing much, really. I went to college and passed the bar. I submerged myself in schoolwork—maybe more than I should have, because I didn’t have much of a social life. I focused on getting an internship at a good firm when I got to law school, and I did. I wasn’t a complete hermit, though. I had a few friends I hung out with sometimes. It’s funny, my social life picked up during the months after law school when I was studying for the bar. It was probably the most grueling time academically, yet I saw more of my friends because we had study groups. I was working part time during the day at the firm and spending hours and hours with people from group at coffee shops, the library, and even bars, pouring over books and studying my ass off. Our group took the exam course together to prep for the February bar exam. It took until May to get our results. The wait was brutal. It was such a huge shock to go from studying non-stop, so hard, and for so long, to just… waiting. The Friday when the results posted, the study group website was absolute chaos with e-mails, posts, updates, and instant messages from everyone in our group. All but one of us passed. We all went to The Limerick Lounge to celebrate. It was such a huge high to have all those years of law school finally behind us. We were ready for the big time.”

  “Did you celebrate more than you should have?” Meg teased.

  Fiona grimaced. “That’s an understatement.”

  Meg groaned. “I still can’t look at tequila without feeling a little queasy after I finished my undergrad degree.”

  Fiona groaned. “I can totally relate.”

  “Must have been your last hurrah, huh? I mean, since…” Meg looked at her middle.

  She nodded and bit her lip. “Depends on what you mean, but I got pregnant that night.”

  Meg wasn’t sure what to say. “I don’t want to pry, but… um… how… I mean…”

  She sighed. “I was so stupid.” Fiona told Meg the rest of the story, how she’d been stupid and drunk, and how she’d felt sorry for Mike, agreeing to have sex with him. God! The clumsy groping, the uncomfortable pairing. She described how she’d immediately regretted it, the night of the seven pregnancy tests, and the difficulty of facing Mike again.

  Meg listened without interruption, and when Fiona finished, she cleared her throat. “You haven’t told him yet?”

  “I did. Yesterday at the coffee shop.”

  “How did he take it?”

  “He got up and walked away.” Fiona ran her hand through her hair. It was a relief to tell someone about it, but now she worried that Meg thought she was messed up. And maybe she was.

  Meg rested her forehead on her knees. “I feel like a schmuck for so blithely telling you how you needed to face your issues earlier today. Who am I to talk? It was presumptuous of me. I’m sorry.”

  “You were fine.” Fiona stroked Meg’s head. Her hair was so soft.

  Meg looked up. “Look at you. Comforting me when it’s your life we’re talking about. Do you have any idea what you’re going to do?”

  Fiona hesitated. She worried Meg would get tired of hearing about her situation. “It helps talking to you. I haven’t talked to anyone about it. It’s nice to get it out.” Fiona had to look away. She felt safe and cared for—something she missed more than she knew. She met Meg’s amazing eyes after a moment. “The scariest thing is figuring out what’s next. I can’t seem to make myself go there.”

  “Sometimes it helps to list your options.”

  “I haven’t even begun to think about options yet.” Fiona sighed and ran her hand through her hair again. “I don’t even know how I feel about it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Fiona stared at the ceiling, trying to find words to explain. “I feel blank inside. I don’t know how to feel about any of it. If I don’t know how I feel, how can I figure out what to do?” Even as she said it, her eyes welled up and an overwhelming sense of despair swept through her. She was afraid. She was angry. She was full of regret. More than anything, she was confused. Confused about what she should do. That wasn’t blank. It was overwhelming. Her life plans had never featured a baby.

  She was mortified when a sob escaped her throat and she buried her head in her hands, but she was powerless to stop crying once it started. Meg slid down to her side of the couch and pulled her into a hug. She sank into the warmth as she let despair consume her.

  36

  Meg’s heart ached as she held Fiona. She cradled her, one hand smoothing Fiona’s hair, the other holding her tightly to her chest. Fiona pressed her face into her neck until her sobs faded and she relaxed in her arms. Meg continued to hold her until her breathing became steady and deep. The muscles in her arms began to complain, but she didn’t let go; she settled back on the sofa to let Fiona lie more comfortably against her. Meg memorized her features as she slept peacefully in her arms. She pressed her lips to Fiona’s forehead where she kept them until she started to nod off herself. At that point, Meg slowly stood with the sleeping woman cradled in her arms, and took her to the bedroom. As Meg lowered her onto the soft down comforter covering the bed, Fiona unconsciously tightened her hold around Meg’s neck. Meg didn’t have the heart to wake her, so she stretched out beside Fiona and continued to hold her.

 
Meg had almost drifted off when she heard the feeble cries of the kittens in the living room. It had been a few hours since they had last fed and she knew the kittens needed to eat, so she reluctantly extricated herself from Fiona’s embrace. Meg moved quietly into the hall, leaving the bedroom door open a crack, and made her way into the kitchen to prepare the formula. When she approached the cardboard box, warm bottle in hand, six tiny heads bobbed to attention even though they couldn’t see her. Their stubby little tails shook with anticipation as their little mouths opened and closed with their fervent cries for food.

  After the kittens finished eating and she completed the glamorous job of pooping them, she went back to Fiona’s room to check on her. Though she hadn’t planned on it earlier, she decided to camp out on the sofa so she could tend to the kittens for the rest of the night. Fiona wasn’t in any state to deal with them, and Meg wanted to be there if Fiona needed her.

  She pushed the bedroom door open, and when the light from the bathroom across the hall spilt across the bed, Meg was surprised to see Fiona rise onto a bent elbow. She had gotten under the covers, and in the dim light, Meg watched the comforter slide down to expose a bare shoulder. Her heart skipped a beat before she noticed the strap to Fiona’s tank top had slipped down. Fiona had changed into her pajamas.

  “You okay in here?” Meg asked from the doorway.

  Fiona squinted and put a hand up to block the light that was shining in from the doorway. Or was it to hide her tear-ravaged face? “I thought you left, and then I heard you humming to the kittens.” Her voice was sleepy.

  “Was I humming?” Meg rested her shoulder against the doorframe.

  Fiona stifled a yawn. “I couldn’t tell what it was, but it seemed familiar.”

  “Did it sound like this?” Meg walked to the foot of the bed while humming a verse of something she remembered from childhood. She rested her hands on the footboard of Fiona’s sleigh bed as she finished the verse.

  “Ah, Molly Malone. That’s it.” Fiona sang a bit to herself. “In Dublin’s fair city where girls are so pretty, I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone. As she wheeled her wheelbarrow, through streets broad and narrow, crying “Cockles and mussels! Alive, Alive Oh!”

  Fiona’s voice was clear and sweet, just a touch off-key, and Meg’s attraction to her doubled. She knew then; she was already in deeper than she thought.

  “Aunt Corny used to sing it to me when I stayed the night at her house when I was a little girl. Did your mom used to sing it to you?”

  Meg laughed at the thought of her mother singing. “My mom isn’t much of a singer. She’s on the very lawyerly side of the spectrum we spoke about last night. I honestly don’t know where I picked it up. It’s what comes out when I hum for comfort. I don’t even know the words.”

  The women were quiet for a few moments. Meg continued to stand at the foot of the bed, looking down at her hands on the footboard, and Fiona dropped her head onto the pillow.

  “Meg… would it be weird if I asked you to stay the night?”

  It was just a question. There was nothing timid or needy in the sound of it. If there had been, Meg might have felt a little uncomfortable, but she understood Fiona’s desire for company and she had already decided to stay anyway.

  “Not at all. I had planned on camping out on the sofa to take care of the kittens anyway.”

  “Would you mind staying in here with me? I don’t want to be alone.”

  Again, it was just a question.

  “Sure.” Meg rested her forearms on the footboard, the fingers of her hands laced loosely before her. Her casual posture belied her pounding heart. She didn’t expect anything to happen between them, not with Fiona in the emotional space she was in, but it didn’t minimize her growing attraction to her.

  “I hope I’m not too much of a pain in the ass.” Fiona drew the comforter up under her chin. “I usually prefer to be alone to deal with my problems, but there’s something comforting about you.”

  “You’re not being a pain at all.” Meg didn’t share that she usually retreated a little when people were in crisis, uncomfortable with her own ability to offer any comfort. Animals were easy. Humans were hard. But something about Fiona triggered a very different response and she wanted to help. “How are you feeling now? Do you need anything?”

  Fiona draped an arm over her forehead. “I feel like I was hit by a truck, to be honest. But the nap helped.”

  “You’re beautiful when you cry, you know.” Meg didn’t know why she said it, but it was true.

  “Oh, come on.” Fiona pulled the comforter over her head.

  “Really. It broke my heart, but you are definitely beautiful when you cry. My fingers itched to draw you.”

  “I’m not sure I could look at a picture like that.” Fiona pulled the covers back down. If the light had been on, Meg was sure she’d see Fiona blushing.

  She backed out of the room. “I’ll be right back with water and tissues.”

  “Thanks. You’re my hero.”

  When Meg returned, she also brought ibuprofen and a wet, warm washcloth.

  Fiona draped it over her eyes and lay back. “I’ll pretend I’m at the spa and try to forget I smeared snot all over the front of your shirt earlier.”

  Meg was encouraged by Fiona’s humor. “This T-shirt’s seen worse. I’m going to shut off the lights and bring the kittens in here. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.”

  When Meg came back and put the box of sleeping kittens at the foot of the bed, Fiona was lying on her back with the warm washcloth over her eyes. Not knowing if Fiona was asleep or not, she stripped down to her tank top and panties and carefully climbed into bed.

  As she settled in, Fiona rested a hand on her arm.

  “This warm compress feels wonderful. Thanks for taking care of me.”

  Meg settled her hand over Fiona’s, and loosely intertwined their fingers. Soon she heard the even sound of Fiona’s breathing. She quietly got up and removed the washcloth from her closed eyes. She slipped back under the covers, but had a feeling that sleep would be a while coming as she tried to relax into the pillows.

  Minutes later, she was breathing as deeply as Fiona.

  37

  Fiona woke to the sound of her phone vibrating on the night stand and the warm comfort of Meg spooning her from behind. Meg’s arm draped around her waist was a bliss Fiona couldn’t describe. The last thing Fiona wanted to do was move from the warm embrace, so she let the call go to voicemail and enjoyed the feel of Meg’s soft breasts against her back.

  Unfortunately, her full bladder didn’t allow her to enjoy the cuddle for very long, and with a sigh, she eased out of Meg’s embrace and got out of bed. She picked up her phone on the way to the bathroom to check the time. It was past two a.m. The call had been from Mike and he’d left a message.

  When she was finished in the bathroom, Fiona hesitated outside the doorway to her room. Her finger hovered for a moment over the play button of the message before she pressed it. She held her breath as she walked to the living room and sat on the couch in the dark to listen.

  “Hi, Fi. It’s me. Mike. Um. Of course, you know it’s me.” He paused. “I’m sorry about the way I came off the last time we texted. I was a little freaked out about the news. Okay, a lot freaked out. I acted like a jerk and I handled it badly. I know I said I needed some time to think about it, but I think I want to talk to you about it now. I’ll be cool this time. Promise. Give me a call when you get this? That’s it, I guess. Thanks… Bye.”

  She wasn’t sure she wanted to talk to him about it anymore. It was selfish, but she deserved to be a little self-involved about this. Mike was, well, Mike was Mike, and she didn’t have the energy to support him through whatever feelings he had to process. And, honestly, she didn’t think he had any say in the matter. It wasn’t like they planned to get pregnant when they’d made their dr
unken decision to… god, she didn’t even want to think about it. But now her body was host to their mistake and she didn’t want any interference around any decision she made, if she could ever bring herself to think about it.

  She was startled when the phone buzzed in her hand. It was Mike again. She considered letting it go to voicemail, but she knew she had to deal with it sooner or later and she decided to get it over with.

  She blew out a breath and answered. “Hey.”

  “I’m so glad you answered.” Mike sounded surprised.

  “What’s on your mind, Mike?”

  “I know it’s late. Or early, depending on whether you’ve gone to bed yet. Were you sleeping?”

  “As a matter of fact, I was.”

  He didn’t seem to hear her.

  “I think you should have the baby.”

  “What?” She was confused. “Two days ago you were… never mind.” She sighed. It didn’t matter. It was her decision to make and she wasn’t going to argue with him.

  “I know. I’ve gone back and forth about it, but I strongly encourage you to have it.”

  She sat back on the couch. “I haven’t made up my mind.”

  “Then you should have it. If you can’t make up your mind, it means you should have it.” He sounded wired up for two in the morning.

  She rubbed her temple. “Mike, I don’t want to have this discussion with you now.”

  “Why not? It’s my kid, too.” He sounded belligerent, not like the Mike she knew.

  If he was going to be like this, she didn’t want to have this conversation with him ever. Maybe if he were more reasonable, maybe more empathetic, it would be different. But he was making it all about himself. Which was exactly what got her into this mess in the first place. Was this how their relationship had always been? She was always helping Mike out with his issues. When had they ever had a discussion where he wasn’t the primary topic of the conversation? It hadn’t bothered her really. Until now. And, right now, she needed someone to take care of her. Meg was doing that. Not Mike.