Rehab Blues

by Adrian Laing

  “It’s just a sad little song, that’s all,” said Cheryl a little too quickly.

  “But, it’s about the love for his suffering mother, isn’t it, Cheryl, that’s why it’s so sad. You know the scenario – helpless child watching mother suffer. All Dumbo wanted was for things to be as they were, as they had been when he and his mother were happy, together.”

  Helen could tell Cheryl was hiding something, in fact everyone could tell that Cheryl was hiding something, and Helen had decided a little provocation was in order.

  “I guess so, Helen. Yeah it was sad.” Cheryl had to fight hard to hold back a flood of tears which was good enough for Helen.

  “And, you two – Davy and Huck, you saw Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, did that get to you, at all?”

  Cheryl burst out laughing, as did Betty.

  “Oh boy, you two had that coming; I mean Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. I bet that hit the spot for you Davy.” Cheryl thought she had found a way to disguise her tears and was on a roll, but no one responded.

  Davy looked apprehensively at Huck as if he knew that if he didn’t say something, Huck would say it for him. Davy looked up and took a good look at every face around the table as if to signal that he was about to say something very sincere and potentially very heavy.

  “OK, OK. Helen, it was a great choice. I mean I didn’t get it at first. But man, I gotta tell you I haven’t cried so much in years.”

  Cheryl looked confused. “You cried like a baby watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, how did that happen, Davy? I mean anything specific or just the whole story?”

  Huck couldn’t resist the moment. “Best death scene, ever; you either haven’t seen it or you’ve got a heart of stone Cheryl. Don’t you remember the bit where they all think that Snow White is dead, after she’s had a bite from the big red poisoned apple? I mean why did she do that? Anyway, all the dwarves are inside sobbing and the animals are outside, heads bowed in sorrow. Grumpy’s crying just kills you. Absolute classic.”

  “Classic, brother, classic.” said Davy, happy to echo Huck.

  “Oh yes, I remember,” chipped in Betty, “and the rain… and the music.”

  The recollection was too much for Davy who was off again, tears pouring down his face. “Don’t rub it in brothers; it was bad enough the first time. Man, it was just so sad. Didn’t see no black little fellas though; guess that would have been a step too far. Come to think of it you don’t see that many black dwarves, ever.” Davy’s moistened eyes gazed into the distance.

  “You do in space,” said Toni as if he was trying to be helpful.

  David had been quiet but felt it was his turn to speak up. “And what about you, Mandy?”

  To tell the truth I wanted to watch Mama Mia but I guess Shirley Valentine was a good choice, for me. Made me laugh – I mean really laugh, but I can’t say it got to me in any – you know – real way. Was there some sort of hidden lesson in there for me, Helen?”

  “I thought it might get to you, Mandy. Maybe not right away, but over time.” Helen looked at Mandy whose face was still blank.

  “It’s about a woman who is trying to find herself, Mandy, against all the pressures of her friends and family, that’s all it’s about really. It’s just a story about a woman trying to find happiness; genuine, deep happiness which she can only find if she discovers herself. And it’s funny.” Helen looked over to Mandy as if a response would be forthcoming.

  Mandy looked as if a penny had just dropped and thought for a moment about her session with Aaron Westernson. “Ah, OK, Helen. I think I’m getting it, sort of.”

  Helen continued. “Look the thing about ‘Movie Night’ is that it’s not supposed to hit you in the face, at least not right away. But over time, it will mean something, I promise you, if you let it. Now, why don’t you all help yourself to another round of this lovely food? That bacon smells so good, might just have some myself. Those chips are building up very nicely. Talking of which, I’ve few penalties chips to add.”

  “Penalty chips? What do you mean, Helen?” Toni felt an immediate sense of impending injustice.

  “No, not for you Toni. But for Davy – he knows why, and Betty and Cheryl they also know why. I think a thousand points each is about fair. Referee’s decision is final. You’ve got one hour and then it’s the Heath. You’ll have to run around the Heath a few times to pay that lot off.”

  “Helen, I’ve got an idea.” Huck wolfed down the enormous plate of food and headed to the counter, for seconds.

  16

  “Perfect,” said Helen as she looked southwards over the vast expanse of rolling green fields and woodland that lay in front of her. What was perfect to Helen was not just the magnificent view but that the light rain and slight chill in the air had the effect of discouraging nearly all day-visitors, dog walkers, joggers and tourists, giving the impression of an empty, almost eerie landscape which Helen’s group could enjoy on their own.

  Helen wasn’t too concerned that the group might attract some unwanted attention. Dressed in their light coloured pastel tracksuits and smart new trainers they collectively resembled at worst a bunch of American tourists on a special visit to Hampstead in search of self-discovery, or an early afternoon outdoor exercise club for middle-aged locals, without dogs or children.

  A couple of Japanese tourists took a photograph; maybe it was just an intended picture of the house behind them but the sight of a camera pointing in their general direction caused the whole group to smile and show their white, television teeth and hit a pose.

  Helen had decided to convene the group consisting of Huck, Betty, Cheryl, Toni, Mandy and Davy in front of Kenwood House, a splendid state-owned neo-Georgian mansion, situated on the very crown of Hampstead Heath and often used as the backdrop for period costume dramas and the venue for many a celebrity bash of one kind or another, from weddings to Bar Mitzvahs.

  “OK, here are the scores,” said Helen. “Huck you accumulated one thousand eight hundred and fifty metres. Now that’s a big breakfast, Huck.”

  Huck smiled as if he had just won some sort of prize and clasped his hands in the air in mock triumph.

  “Toni, you ate your way through six hundred and eighty metres, and Davy your total was two thousand and fifty – which includes your one thousand penalty points.”

  Davy shook his head in shame.

  “Ladies, may I have your attention?” asked Helen throwing a stern look in the direction of Betty, Cheryl and Mandy. Helen unfolded a piece of paper with the numbers written down.

  “Betty, your score – including your penalty – comes to three thousand one hundred metres.”

  Betty clasped her hands over her mouth in genuine shock. “That can’t be right, Helen. I mean, I only had a couple of croissants, a few bits of toast and pastries, OK there was the jam… and the bacon, and the eggs and the sausages and the coffee and the yoghourt and the black pudding… oh shit… I’ll just shut up. Three thousand metres, how far is that?”

  “Mandy,” Helen continued, “not too bad, your score including the penalty is one thousand nine hundred and fifty”. Mandy looked genuinely relieved.

  “OK, Cheryl. You score in total is… four thousand seven hundred metres.” The group collectively gasped in disbelief.

  “I can’t have got that much, Helen. That’s not fair. I couldn’t have eaten more than Huck, and I’m sure Betty ate more than I did. That can’t be right, Helen.” Cheryl was almost too shocked to be angry.

  Helen approached the Cheryl, placed an arm around her shoulder, walked her away from the others and whispered in her ear. “Cheryl, this is only between us unless you want me to share with the group. One part of the game at breakfast I didn’t explain was that if anyone tried to cheat and not take a chip when they were supposed to, or took a chip at the wrong value, then whatever score they had would be doubled. Now, Cheryl, do want to a
ccept the score I’ve given you or shall we discuss with the group?” Helen looked deep into Cheryl’s worried and guilty eyes.

  “OK, Helen you win. I’ll do my score as you put it. But then it’s back home for me. I promised my mum I’d do some time at The Place. It was a shitty move to pull on Tracy and a punishment for Martin and it feels like a punishment for me. The consequences of not coming down here were just… not on. Tell me what I need to do, and I’ll get this over with and then I’m off.”

  Helen, though she tried not to betray the fact, liked Cheryl a lot. “That’s fine, Cheryl. Let’s do this and then you can go if you want to, with my blessing. I’m not some sort of probation officer, you know. I’m a therapist, and believe me, this is all therapy for you, OK.”

  “OK, Helen. I know. I’m not a prisoner. I promised Tracy that I’d come here to straighten things out between us. Let’s do it.”

  Helen and Cheryl rejoined the group to find JC holding court with Huck, Davy, Mandy, Betty and Toni. JC certainly looked dressed for the part in his obviously well-worn training shoes and wearing some seriously tight-fitting trousers and a top which could have been designed for a swimmer or long distance runner or cyclist, perhaps all three. Helen hadn’t realised until that moment how much JC had turned into such a physically fit-looking young man.

  “JC, good to see you. Right on cue, thank you.” Helen and JC had worked this session out beforehand to give it the best chance of success. There was a lot that could go wrong but they knew this one had the potential to be life changing for someone.

  Helen stood in front of the group and explained that JC knew Hampstead Heath like the back of his hand – every nook and cranny. JC was showing off a state-of-the-art digital watch which clearly had an enormous array of sophisticated functions, one of which was to monitor the distance travelled by the wearer.

  “Listen everyone,” said JC as if was he talking to a group of children at the beginning of a sports day, “I’ve worked out the best way to do this. You see those woods over there, on the other side of the pond? From here, going to our right, along this path and then across those fields and over that bridge through the woods, turning left and back up that hill on our left over there and to return to this point is just under seven hundred metres. That’s one circuit. I’ve set my watch to each of your scores and when I give you a signal you can stop jogging and walk back here. And see that fountain over there, you can take a drink from there each time you complete one circuit.” JC looked around the group as if to make sure they were all listening, and had understood.

  “What that means, roughly, is that Toni will complete one circuit, Huck, Mandy and Davy about three circuits, Betty about four and a half and Cheryl just under seven. I will – I promise – let you know when you can drop out. Is that clear, everyone?”

  Huck took a pace nearer towards JC. “JC, do you have to drop out? I mean, can I stay with you until we all finish, is that OK?”

  JC turned around and looked at Helen who gestured that to JC that it was his decision.

  “OK, here’s the deal, Huck. Your score is the minimum requirement. Anyone can keep going with me for as long as they want. If you want to stay until Cheryl finishes or Betty or just for as long as you want after you’ve done your number, then that’s OK.”

  “That’s great, thanks JC.” Huck smiled as if to congratulate JC on a good decision.

  JC quickly resumed control of the group. “OK, everyone, before we head off we’ll do some warm up stretches. Just watch and copy what I do.” Without any apparent effort JC outstretched his left arm, lifted up his right leg backwards and held his foot with his right hand behind his back and stood statuesque while Helen took a seat on a nearby bench, next to the drinking fountain that JC had pointed out, and watched patiently.

  The group initially stared at JC in disbelief and then, one by one, attempted to emulate JC’s stance. Toni and Davy managed to lift their legs backwards but couldn’t quite keep their balance. Betty and Cheryl looked at each other as if they had been asked to recite the Chinese alphabet backwards. In fact the only person who managed the task was Huck.

  “OK, I get it.” JC realised that he would have to lower his expectations, immediately. “Let’s try this one.” JC placed his left arm across his face and placed his right arm on his elbow, pulling his left arm across towards him.

  This time Huck, Toni, Mandy and Davy at least looked as if they knew what to do, but Betty and Cheryl couldn’t even pretend to have a proper go.

  “Right, try the other arm.” JC knew that the actual jogging bit was going to be tough but he had underestimated that the warm up would be so problematic.

  “Can you just sort of bend over and try and touch your toes?” JC asked. Davy, Toni, Huck and Mandy had a decent enough go at this one, but Betty and Cheryl didn’t stand a chance.

  “Right, all of you, just jump and down on the spot, like this.”

  It was soon very apparent that Betty and Cheryl were in some discomfort trying to jump a couple of inches off the ground. Even David felt shocked at the sight of Betty and Cheryl trying to heave their bodies up and down with any sense of dignity, as if in all reality they had forgotten how to jump up and down; in fact they resembled to JC two large jellies being shaken around on a kiddie’s birthday party table during a mild earthquake.

  JC knew this was not going to get any better and decided to cut his losses after one last go. “OK, put your hands on your hips, and spread your legs a bit, like this.” Despite a promising start, Betty nearly fell over backwards like an unbalanced rolling doll, but was caught by Cheryl who was involuntarily flapping around as if miming a slow motion fall forwards, but somehow Betty and Cheryl became entangled and managed to stabilise each other, like two novice ice skaters left to get on with it. JC reassessed the situation.

  “I’ll tell you what, let’s head off at a walking pace. We’ll pick up the pace as we go along. I’ll head the group with Betty and Cheryl. Huck could you please stay at the back and make sure we don’t lose anyone? Thanks, Huck.”

  JC formed an awkward threesome in between Betty and Cheryl and started walking at a slow pace intending to speed things up as soon as he felt he could get away with it. After about ten metres, next to the bench on which Helen was sitting, Betty had to stop.

  “Oh, god. I’m knackered. Can I just sit down with Helen for a minute? My body’s thinking ‘just had a big breakfast; must be time for big sleep’, and that warm up just about finished me off.”

  Betty was quite serious, but it was Cheryl who surprised everyone.

  “Betty, come off it. You can’t be that much bigger than I am. OK, you’re a bit older, no offence, but Jesus Betty we’ll be here for years if you don’t keep going. Come on, just put one bleeding foot in front of the other and let’s get this over with, please.”

  Betty made what was clearly a real effort and struggled on, out of Helen’s sight, along the path, down the grassy slope, across the fields and across the bridge and into the woods. Helen and JC had discussed this challenge before they had set off. JC had calculated it would take the slowest member, at most, twenty minutes to complete one circuit but of course something might go wrong, a possibility which needed to be considered.

  Helen looked at her watch and realised half an hour had passed and there was no sight of the group coming up the hill towards Kenwood House. Ten minutes later, she noticed a troupe of three, which was obviously Betty, Cheryl and JC looking like a slowly moving animated bronze statute of three wounded war heroes, returning from the trenches. Eventually the group reached Helen, a full hour after they had first set off.

  “Oh God,” said Betty, “are we done? Please tell me we’re done.”

  JC looked at his space age watch and stated quite matter of fact: “We’ve completed less than seven hundred metres and it’s taken us an hour, Betty. You’ve three more circuits to do. Toni has completed his task. Huck
, Mandy and Davy have at least another couple of circuits to go and Cheryl another five and a bit. If we keep going we should finish before dark.”

  Helen remained silent and aloof, but was keeping a very close eye on this particularly challenge. It was JC’s first time in charge of a session, and that was because Huck had suggested to Helen that JC should be given an opportunity to shine. What Helen knew would happen, and did happen, was the development of a group concern for Betty.

  “I don’t want to drop out, JC,” said Toni heroically. “I’ll stay with Betty, for as long as it takes.”

  “So will I,” said Davy. “Me too,” said Mandy. “I’m not going anywhere,” said Huck. “Hell, I’m in,” was Davy’s response. Everyone looked at Cheryl.

  “Well, I’m going to finish last anyway, so I’m with you Betty. Put your arm around me Betty and let’s do this.” Cheryl looked and sounded almost like a different, much older person.

  Helen wiped away a tear; it was just so good, this one. She even clapped her hands excitedly and shouted, “Go on, let’s see you do this. Come on, I know you can do this.”

  And with that little bit of encouragement the group disappeared off down the path and across the fields and over the bridge and through the woods and back up the hill, past Helen for the second time, and then the third. Each time they looked even more bonded and exhausted, taking turns to shoulder the burden that was Betty, and to stop momentarily for a drink from the fountain. By the end of circuit four, Betty had the determined look of an unfit marathon runner who had caught cramp after ten miles but was going to finish come what may.

  But the episode that stayed with Helen more than any other that day was not the genuine and spontaneous support for Betty, but what happened after David announced that Betty had completed her course.

  “OK, Betty you’re done. Congratulations; I mean really, really well done.” JC looked at his watch and read out the distance covered. We’ve covered three thousand two hundred and fifty metres. Wow. We’ll put you down for the marathon, shall we?”