The Relic Box Set

by Ben Zackheim

  Suddenly the hammer lifted into the air. The cat knocked at it and it swung back and forth like it was on the end of a string.

  Easy shot.

  I aimed at the space above the hammer and fired. It kept rising.

  “You’re pissing off fluffy,” Rebel said. Her hands were starting to glow. She was about to cast a spell.

  I shot again. Nothing. It didn’t move.

  “Bullets won’t do anything. It’s being lifted by a spell,” Rebel said. A thin, wavy beam of yellow light flowed from her palms and zipped straight up. It lit the ceiling.

  “Who’s that?” Rebel asked, looking up.

  Someone was perched on a narrow ridge high up on the other side of the cave. His face was white as a skull. The rest of him was tough to see but I could make out the outline of a long jacket.

  I fired. His face sparked and the brunt of the bullet snapped his head back. He fell. But not like a limp doll. He fell gracefully. As if he’d already recovered from being shot in the face. He landed somewhere in the shadows.

  The hammer dropped to the ground.

  Rebel ran for it.

  Chapter 11

  The cat had a clear enemy and it relished the moment.

  I don't know if you've ever woken up in the morning to the sight of a yawning cat in your face. That's pretty much what we saw. I could see down its gullet.

  Rebel’s leap was, as usual, longer than mine. It's not really a fair comparison considering she uses magic and I use legs. She strikes first because she always reaches the target first. I strike next, quickly, from a distance. Our routine usually means the bad guy is reeling from her strike while I finish him off with bullets. Usually specialized bullets, because our enemies lean Supernatural.

  But this time neither attack did anything. The only reason we didn't end up with a one way ticket to Digestive Tract Avenue was because the cat miscalculated. Apparently, even cats can be surprised if you decide to strike first.

  I bounced off its lower jaw and slammed into the ground. Rebel bounced off its nose and smacked into the stone wall behind us. Coleslaw just watched, eyes wide. He would have been more help if he hadn't been there at all.

  I got to my feet just in time to dodge a claw as big as I was. Rebel used the split second to lodge her nails into its other front leg. It hissed again and fell on its side. But not because it was hurt.

  Because now it could use all four paws to attack.

  We ran out of reach just in time. I felt the wind of its swipes at my back as I shoved Coleslaw to the dirt floor.

  “A little help here!” Rebel yelled from behind me.

  She’d dug her claws into the cat’s shoulder and now she was flailing around like a rag doll riding a house cat.

  I dropped a couple of slugs in the cat’s right eye. It was about as effective as two spitballs.

  Rebel isn’t a cat person. She doesn’t know them like I do. If there’s one thing you want to avoid on a cat, it’s the tail. The tummy is number two, but a distant second.

  So when her nails dug into its tail she was met with a cat on its back, swiping. It bent its tail so she dangled over his sharp teeth.

  The only thing that saved her was my fist in its ear.

  I’d punched as deep as I could. My arm was up to the shoulder in cat ear. I could feel things in there. Fuzzy, crunchy, fleshy, wet, oily. It was like a cornucopia of gross shit. All I had to do was find its…

  I knew when I was flying across the cave in a shallow arc that I’d found the eardrum. The cat’s screech was almost enough to blow out my own ears. Only fair, I guess.

  I skidded across the floor and dropped into the river of floating weapons. I saw a massive axe twirling below me and dived. It slid across my boot and cut the leather wide open. I looked up and waited for a break in the floating death traps. I surged upward, snagged a shield and put it between me and a few sharp things. They bounced off of it and Rebel pulled me out by the collar.

  “Thanks,” I said, out of breath.

  “You won’t thank me when you see that.” She pointed up.

  The hammer was floating out of sight again.

  I got off as many shots as I could for all the good it did.

  It was no use.

  Mjölnir was in undead hands.

  “Did anyone get a look at him?” I asked.

  “He was human,” Coleslaw said. “I heard him land and he grunted.”

  The cat was licking its wounds. It glanced at us suspiciously but it didn’t seem too upset about its loss. Cats.

  “He was a Magicist, though,” Rebel said. “No one else could do the things he just did.”

  “I think he had some kind of mask on. A helmet. I shot him in the face. Coleslaw, how do we get out of here?”

  Without a word, he turned and shuffled back to the tree. He walked around the massive trunk where he pointed to another door.

  “That wasn’t there before,” I said.

  “The hammer is gone,” Coleslaw said. “That changes everything.”

  “Where would they take the hammer?” I asked, running for the exit.

  “It’s no use,” Coleslaw said. “It could be anywhere.”

  “Look, I know you’re hurting,” I said. “And I’m really sorry for your loss, but we need to get that thing back.”

  “I’m sorry, Kane,” he said. “This is the end of my knowledge. There’s the door. After that I know as much as you do.”

  He opened the door and we looked out on the skyscape of Iceland. Beautiful, calm, and hiding immeasurable power. I ran outside and looked around for a clue. Anything that could tell me where to go next.

  Nothing.

  We’d lost.

  And now the world would pay for it.

  “We’ll keep our ears open for news,” I said. “Any anomalies. Anything that strikes you as weird.”

  “They could take it anywhere in the world,” Rebel said.

  “I don’t think they will,” I said. I wasn’t sure if it was hope or a gut feeling. “Something about this place. If they’re going to make a move let’s assume it’s here.”

  Our cell phones rang at the same time.

  I looked at the screen. “Cassidy,” I said.

  “Rose,” Rebel said.

  I happened to spot the date. We’d been in Hel for two days.

  “Hey Rose,” I said.

  “Hey Rose? Really? You drop off the map for two days and you just say hey Rose?”

  “We were busy.”

  I looked over to Rebel who was walking off, plugging an ear so she could hear Cassidy yell at her.

  “Did you get it?” Rose asked.

  “No.”

  “You’re on a roll, boss!”

  “Any news? Have you seen anything weird go on?”

  “No, nothing worth mentioning,” she said. “Oh, wait!”

  “What is it?”

  “It says here on the calendar that my birthday was yesterday and you broke your promise to buy me my first drink!”

  “Rose…”

  “And on today’s calendar it says ‘Dickhead boss buys Rose two drinks to make up for being a jerkoff.’”

  “We need to find the hammer,” I said.

  “Skyler can help us,” she said.

  I hated to hear it but she was right. Desperate times…

  “We need to find him first,” I said.

  “He’s here.”

  “Where?”

  “Bar 89,” she said. I could hear the smile in her voice. “He’s bartending!”

  Chapter 12

  My old teacher’s black suit and fedora made him look 50 years younger, meaning about 70. But the smile on his face was as ancient as a mummy’s. Old, lifeless and filled with mirth only he understood.

  He’d just been turned to vampire status a few months before. By Fox. The Lancelot dude. It was an arrangement that neither one of them wanted to talk about. But suffice it to say that my old teacher, Skyler, was at death’s door and Fox swept in with his curse o
f immortality.

  The old man was enjoying every damned moment, best I could tell.

  “Hey, boy!” he called out to me when he saw us walk through the door. We must have looked like shit because most people in the restaurant turned to look at us. ”You look like shit!” he verified.

  “Just get us a drink,” I yelled back. I dropped into a circular booth next to the twins, followed by an exhausted Rebel and a mourning Coleslaw. The Traveler put his arms on the table and placed his head on them like a pillow.

  “You need a drink, Coleslaw?” I asked.

  “Don’t drink,” he muttered.

  “I’ll drink his,” Rebel said.

  Skyler was trying to get my attention from the bar. He held up five fingers. I should have known that he was not the person to mix the twins’ first alcoholic beverage.

  “Happy Birthday, guys,” I said.

  “That was yesterday,” Cassidy said.

  “Yeah,” Rose agreed, sounding more like a kid than ever. “Who are you?” she asked the Traveler.

  He didn’t answer.

  “That’s Coleslaw,” I said. “He’s a Travelers’ Friend.”

  “Rude traveler,” Rose said.

  “He just lost someone close to him,” Rebel said.

  “Oh shit, sorry dude,” Rose said.

  “It’s not your fault,” he said softly.

  “Was it Kane’s fault?” Cassidy asked.

  “No,” Coleslaw said. I was thankful for that.

  I broke the awkward silence with my best shot. “You two ready for your first drink?” I asked.

  “It’s a big deal,” Rose said. “Now we can drink and go to war.”

  “We already go to war, like, every day,” Cassidy said.

  “I’m not so sure this alcohol thing is a good idea,” Rebel said. “There’s…” She stopped.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Nothing?”

  I wasn’t going to let her off, though. “What were you going to say, Rebel?”

  “It’s just that it feels like tonight is flooded.”

  “Flooded with what?” Rose asked.

  “Magic.”

  Coleslaw managed to nod his head in agreement.

  “Iceland is ripe for magic at this time of the year,” Rebel said.

  “What do you mean?” Cassidy asked. “What time of the year?”

  Rose sat up straight and shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. A promise is a promise, right Kane?”

  “Don’t pull me into this,” I said before I could stop myself. It usually takes me a good five minutes before I can put together the best guardian advice. But everyone expected me to have some wisdom at my beck and call. They had the wrong treasure hunter.

  “Don’t pull you into this thing that was your idea in the first place, you mean?” Rebel said.

  “Yeah, that,” I said. “Look, let’s just do this tomorrow, okay? Too much pressure for a single drink, for fuck sake.”

  “You promised us!” Rose yelled. She glared at me. She’d been waiting for her first drink since I met her. I found it charming at first but now her obsession with tasting liquor was teetering on the edge of weird. It was dangerous, too. Half-Vampires were a new thing, after all — a breed of human that hadn’t existed until 5 years ago. Rose and Cassidy’s parents had had the whole family injected with vampire blood, a fad among the super wealthy. They’d hoped for immortality, superhuman powers, or both. Unfortunately, their parents bit it within an hour. But the twins added about 200 IQ points to their intelligence and 700 subtracted from their emotional IQ.

  “Let’s think about this for…” Rebel started.

  Skyler swung one drink after another onto the table. The twins snatched them up before I could stop them. They gulped the whiskey down.

  And spit it back up immediately.

  “What the fuck?” Cassidy cried out. “Are you trying to poison us, Skyler?”

  We all laughed, except Coleslaw who was covered in expectorated booze.

  “It’s just whiskey,” Sklyer said.

  “How do you drink that crap?” they said together.

  “It’s for sipping, ya ninnies,” Skyler said with his usual grace.

  The twins looked at each other.

  “Can we try again?” Cassidy asked.

  “Not tonight,” I said. Let’s just let that settle.”

  “This is bullshit,” Rose said, slumping down in the booth to the point where I could barely see her eyes over the table.

  “What’s that?” Cassidy asked me, eying the vodka martini that Skyler had just passed me.

  “Compared to what you just drank? It’s lemonade,” I said. I toasted him, smiled and took a sip. It felt like dragon fire going down and the embrace of a woman in my stomach.

  Mixed just right.

  Mixed with affection.

  I did a double-take at Skyler.

  “What?” the old man said, glaring at me.

  “This is good,” I said.

  “A compliment from this one. Wow,” Skyler said, thumbing me.

  Rebel finished her first sip and smiled.

  “Why, Skyler, I think you mixed this with love.”

  “I’m a vampire. I love pain and agony and stuff like that.”

  “No, she’s right,” I piled on. “You mixed in some affection here. I never thought that would taste good coming from you, but…”

  “All right, lay off the old man,” Skyler grunted. “It’s my vampire power.”

  “What’s that?” Coleslaw asked, looking up from his nap.

  “Vampires can’t really cast spells outside their core abilities,” I explained. “But they can sometimes tap into an aspect of life and enhance it.” I’d learned that from Skyler.

  “So your power is mixing drinks?” Rebel asked. The glint in her eyes meant she was concocting a thousand ways to use this information against him. I was enjoying the moment, too. A lot. Skyler was so uncomfortable he was practically squirming.

  “Intoxication,” he muttered. “Generally speaking.”

  Rebel and I looked at each other and laughed so loud the rest of restaurant stopped to look at us again.

  “Shh,” he hissed at us. “It’s not funny.”

  “You can enhance intoxication?” I asked.

  “Any kind?” Rebel asked.

  “Yes.” I couldn’t guess why he was standing around and taking this teasing. It wasn’t like him at all. The best I could guess was that he felt unsure about the power. Like a newborn testing out his first steps.

  “And you’d like us to give you some guidance,” I said. I knew what his answer would be, but I had to rib him as much as possible. It was sweet revenge for always being on the receiving end of his scorn.

  “I want her guidance,” he said, pointing to Rebel, his star pupil.

  “Fine. I think I can make some time in her schedule,” I added. Rebel winked at me.

  “Okay, okay, I get it, decades of revenge all packed in one moment,” Skyler said, throwing his arms up in the air. “But that’s all for tonight.”

  We were having a great time ribbing the old man, so what better moment for horror to rear its familiar head?

  It started with a loud gasp from Rose. Then a whimper.

  “Rose? Are you okay?” Cassidy yelled. “ROSE!”

  Her pupils shrank to tiny dots. Her skin turned purple.

  She opened her mouth and screamed.

  Chapter 13

  Rebel lifted the table as I lifted Rose out of her seat and lay her on the floor. She tried to get Rose’s attention as I felt for a pulse. It was strong. I looked down her throat but didn’t see anything.

  “Rose! Stay with us here! Rose, honey. Look at me.”

  “What’s wrong with her?” her twin brother cried.

  “She’s choking on something!” Coleslaw said.

  “Can everyone please…” I jabbed my thumb’s knuckles into her sternum again. “…stop YELLING!”

  Again, nothing came up. Her b
ody went limp in my arms.

  “ROSE!” Rebel yelled.

  I did mouth to mouth.

  I pressed on her chest.

  “It might be an allergy to the liquor,” Skyler said.

  “She didn’t swallow any!” Cassidy said.

  “She swallowed enough to know she didn’t…” Rebel stopped.

  I saw why.

  Cassidy was glowing. His skin emanated a green light, as if he were on fire just beneath the skin.

  The other patrons were making a wide circle around us, half rubbernecking for blood and gore, half waiting to see if they could help. That sums up humanity right there.

  “Help her!” Cassidy yelled. “Why are you all looking at…” But then he saw his glowing hands. He screeched like a professional Hollywood Horror Movie Screamer.

  “Skyler? What did you do to those drinks?”

  “Nothing! I mean the same thing I did for yours!”

  “I’m radioactive! Am I radioactive?” Cassidy cried.

  Rose sucked in a huge breath and coughed it out. The color returned to her skin immediately. The only problem was that her eyes were now red. Not bloodshot red. Demonic red with small black dots for pupils.

  “You’re not radioactive! Relax,” Rebel said. “I mean you may be radioactive, but I don’t think you are. Anyone have a geiger counter?”

  At that point everyone in the restaurant scrambled out of the room. I didn’t blame them. That was one freaky scene playing out in Iceland’s finest restaurant.

  “What happened? Why is Cassidy glowing?” Rose asked, barely conscious.

  “Your eyes are red, Rose!” Cassidy yelled.

  “You’re glowing!” Rose said.

  “So it looks like the alcohol had an effect on both of you, okay?” Rebel said in her best soothing voice, which would be anyone else’s calm-the-fuck-down voice.

  “Magic is strong this time of year,” Coleslaw repeated, being not at all helpful.

  “Maybe we’re infected with something from Hel,” I said.

  “Hel?” Skyler said, frowning at us. “You went to Hel?”

  “Yup,” I said.

  “And you thought you’d tell me about this when, exactly?” Skyler barked.