The Relic Box Set

by Ben Zackheim

  “This is supposed to be news? What are you looking for, permission?”

  “You don’t understand.”

  I did understand. I understood that this vampire, once Lancelot, was in love with my partner. I also understood that I didn’t like the way that made me feel. At all. In fact, the idea filled me with rage. I wanted to drop him right then and there.

  “I’m cursed, Kane. More than just undead. I’m cursed to bring death to those around me. Once I feel for another they will die. And soon.”

  “So if she feels the same way then she’s a goner?”

  “She doesn’t need to feel anything. The curse is mine.”

  “So why shouldn’t I kill you right now?”

  He just looked at me. I knew what he wanted.

  “That’s what I’m offering you,” he said.

  “Shit.” If Rebel had been pulled into this curse then I needed to do whatever I could to save her from it.

  “Do you have the right bullets?” he asked me. “Can you destroy me?”

  I had to process what he was saying. “Yeah,” I muttered but my brain was moving a thousand miles per hour. “There has to be a way around this.”

  “This has happened twice before. Both of them died within a week of my feelings becoming clear.”

  “How can you even feel? I thought vampires were immune to emotion.”

  “Most are. I was. But the curse that kills those close to me also gave me the ability to feel.”

  “That’s a nasty curse. Who cast it?”

  “I thought that would be obvious.” In the middle of his sentence, it struck me.

  “Merlin,” I said. I remembered the nasty look the old wizard had given Fox when we were delivering Excalibur to him a few months before. “I don’t think I like that guy.”

  “You have to destroy me,” he said.

  “Stay behind. Just send me down.”

  “The curse doesn’t care where I am. She’s marked.”

  “Is there another way to end the curse?”

  “I thought you’d love the idea of ending me,” he said, confused.

  “I love the idea of it, sure. That doesn’t mean I want to do it.”

  “You either kill me or you find a wizard powerful enough to break the curse.”

  “What if we kill Merlin?”

  “Oh, shit,” he said.

  “What?”

  “What do you mean what, you idiot? It’s Merlin!”

  The clear sky darkened further and the stars brightened. A distant boom, like the sound of rolling thunder, shook the ground beneath us.

  “He heard me,” I said.

  “He monitors me everywhere to make sure I suffer. Now we both need to go,” Fox said. “You can’t die and I can’t be here when he arrives.”

  “Merlin is coming?”

  “Those are his footsteps.”

  The thunder now had a pattern to it. It did sound a lot like a pissed off parent striding toward the kid who just broke the lamp.

  Fox took a step into the cave.

  It felt like the weight of the world pushed down on my shoulders. I fell to the ground, or whatever was under me and saw through eyes that felt like they were being squeezed by a fist.

  I knew I was screaming but the crashing sound all around me drowned the sound out.

  Until I landed.

  Then my scream echoed off the walls of the underworld. I rolled around, trying to make it through the pain when I felt hands on my body. I caught my breath and opened my eyes. I expected to see my body torn to shreds but I patted my face and looked at my hands. There was no sign of injury anywhere. I blinked hard as my vision went back to normal. Rebel knelt beside me.

  “Fun, huh?” she said.

  “Let’s not ever do that again,” I said.

  “It’s Hel,” she said. “So you’re looking at one more trip, at least.”

  I did my best to gather myself together. I managed to sit against the wall of the cave. The first thing I saw clearly were the two doors. A hundred feet high, the stone doors faced each other from across the cavern. One went to Hel and the other to Valhalla.

  “The team,” I said. “Is everyone okay?”

  “Yeah, we all took the same trip you did but we’re recovered.”

  “Where’s the cat?”

  “No sign of it. We need to find out how to get into Valhalla.”

  I spotted Fox walking the perimeter of the cavern. He was looking for something. I noticed him glance at me and then look away quickly.

  We heard a booming, rageful bellow from above us. The sound seemed to come from the walls themselves.

  “Who the hell was that?” Rebel asked, looking up and around.

  “Merlin,” I said.

  “He sounds pissed,” she said.

  “Oh, he’s pissed.”

  “What did you do, Kane?”

  “He threatened to assassinate him,” Fox said. “But Merlin can’t get down here without killing someone first. He’s lost his appetite for senseless killing. We’re safe. For now.”

  She smacked me on the side of the head with her palm. I knew I deserved it. Merlin had warned us about crossing him again. We’d just made a new enemy.

  Fox was at Valhalla’s door. He ran his hand over the stone and knocked like he was visiting his neighbor.

  With a loud crack, the stone doors parted and the cavern flooded with sunlight.

  Chapter 36

  It was like a valley from medieval times.

  We stood on a high hill overlooking land that stretched out in front of us for miles, with flatlands rising into hills and then snow-capped mountains. The huts in front of us wore straw roofs. Their laid stone was ancient, to the point where some were almost ruins.

  An old forest's grumpy looking trees welcomed us below. A narrow path wove into it, swallowed by darkness between two craggy elms.

  The door behind us slammed shut and we turned around to find ourselves at the bottom of the highest mountain of all. It's rocky ledges zig-zagged all the way up to a castle that was easily the size of a city. Say, St. Louis. Big. Steeples and bastions poked out of the structure as if teams of builders had been paid per tower.

  In the middle of this mess was a dome, shining as white as ivory.

  "Two in a row," Rebel said.

  "What's that mean?" Coleslaw said.

  "We left Excalibur with Merlin and the Naga,” she explained. “They also had their own underground world."

  "Ah, yes. There are a lot of civilizations under the crust of the Earth,” Coleslaw said.

  “They make their homes like ours because they miss it,” Fox added. “They don't do co-existence well, so they use every resource at their disposal to recreate it."

  “Why don't they take it from us if they love it so much?" Rose asked.

  “They try once in awhile and then they end up fighting all the other hidden civilizations," Coleslaw said.

  “So then humans make the surface world a neutral ground?" I asked.

  “Tell that to the vampires," Rebel said.

  “We know the consequences of laying claim," Fox said. His voice was thin, as if the thought pissed him off.

  “But you're still going to take the risk," I said.

  “This has nothing to do with me and you know it,” Fox said. “I think I've proven myself to you, Kane."

  “You've proven you take orders from Skyler well," I said.

  “Really?" Rebel said, crossing her arms. "Now's the time to air this out?"

  “It's never a good time," I said.

  "The vampires believe that they can take on all comers," Fox said. He was addressing Rebel more than me. “Not just humans.”

  "You guys really think a lot of yourselves,” I said.

  "Okay, enough boys," Rebel said. "Can we act twelve for just a minute?"

  "He started it," I said.

  "Wrong direction, eight year old."

  "Yeah,” Fox broke in. “I think they're ready to take it all over if it c
omes to that."

  "That's impossible," I said. "They'd have to have more firepower than any army in history."

  "That's what they're trying to do!"

  I didn’t buy it. "Even all the relics we're after wouldn't make them powerful enough to take on a nuclear bomb and the magical power of other Supernaturals. Because you know that’s what we have in our back pocket if worse comes to worse."

  "Unless the vampires have more than we know about," Cassidy added.

  Fox was clearly pleased by how annoyed I was. Rebel pulled me by the arm down the path before I could eight year old him again.

  "If this is Valhalla then we have to be a team,” she said. “Who knows what's waiting for us."

  "You don’t have to protect him, Rebel,” I said. I didn’t know where the anger was coming from but I couldn’t stop it. Which just made me angrier. I was dropping into a bad, fucked up place.

  "What the hell are you talking about now?" Rebel asked.

  "You know what I mean."

  "I know we took one step into the Viking afterlife and you're acting an asshole."

  "I just want to make sure we don't get caught up in one of your..."

  "My finger in your jugular would love to finish that sentence for you, Kane."

  She walked down the path ahead. Fox caught up.

  "You have a way with the ladies," he said.

  "She's no lady,” I said. “So how do we know this is Valhalla?”

  "WELCOME TO VALHALLA!" a deep voice boomed from all around us.

  “That’s a clue,” Fox said, looking up and around for the person who was yelling like a god.

  I spotted him first. He was straight above us, a tiny dot against the blue sky. But he was dropping fast. Too fast.

  I stepped out of the way and a tall woman, decked out in skin-tight gold armor, slammed into the ground between the vampire and me. I only got a glimpse of her before we were all blinded by the dust she’d kicked up. It was an agonizing minute before I saw her again.

  One glimpse was all I needed to know that I wanted to see her as soon as possible.

  She emerged from the dust, unfazed, reached out her hand and gently ran her fingers through my hair, pulling me toward her. She was about eight feet tall so the kiss was awkward at first but we both got into it after a second.

  “Hey!” Rebel shouted from the path below us. Our host didn’t flinch. I held up a finger. I just needed another hour. “HEY!” Rebel repeated.

  The giantess pulled her lips off mine and turned to Fox. She grabbed him and, with a big beautiful smile, she planted one on his undead lips.

  She spit.

  “Undead,” she said. She looked him up and down and sighed. “Unfortunate.” She made to kiss Rebel who stuck her middle finger up to block her. The fingernail glistened in the glow of the armor.

  “Don’t even…” Rebel said.

  Our host got the message. She smiled.

  “We’ve been waiting for you, Kane and Rebel,” she said. She turned to the twins. “Rose and Cassidy.” She turned to Coleslaw and Fox. “Coleslaw, as they call you, and…”

  “Fox,” he said.

  “Fox,” she repeated, her smile fading. But she nodded her head politely.

  “And who are you?” I asked.

  “I am Freyja,” she said. That was the name of the Norse goddess of sex. “I’ve been sent to bring you to Valhalla’s heart unharmed. These are not safe lands for mortals.”

  “We can hold our own,” Rebel said, gruffly.

  “I’m sure you can. But have you ever battled a warg? They are like wolves but twice as large as what you’re used to and with twice as many fangs. They are everywhere. In fact, I can smell some nearby. They are watching us and waiting for me to drop my guard.” She said the last few words loudly so the warg would hear her. There was shuffling from the forest nearby, the cliffs above and even the bushes at our feet. Apparently, Freyja had arrived just in time to save our skins.

  “Come. We have been waiting.”

  “Who’s we? How did you know we’d be coming?” I asked.

  “Valhallans and Asgardians, all. Some are for you and some against, but all are excited to see you walk through the gates.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  Her expression changed quickly. The smile faded and her eyebrow cocked. She placed a hand on my shoulder which felt way better than a hand on the shoulder should feel.

  “You mean you don’t know?”

  “Educate us,” I said, not liking where this was headed.

  “You are to battle in the arena.”

  “Why would we battle in an arena?” Rose asked.

  “Not you, him. Kane. He must go alone.”

  “We don’t do arenas,” I said.

  “But I’ve heard you are a formidable foe,” she said, confused.

  “Maybe,” I said. “But not for entertainment.”

  “It’s not for entertainment,” she said. “It’s for the right to wield the hammer and shield. It’s for the right to be the new God of Thunder.”

  Chapter 37

  The last time we’d visited an underworld city we’d been stopped at the gates by Merlin. He clearly didn’t want us soiling his mecca with our mortal cooties so he stood in our way and made things as uncomfortable as he possibly could. It didn’t work too well on me because I was partners with Rebel. Discomfort was all part of the job.

  Freyja wouldn’t elaborate on what she meant by “new God of Thunder.” But I could use my imagination. I was surprised that I didn’t resist the idea much. Hey, I had the ego of a god so why not just try it on for size. Maybe there were good advancement opportunities.

  As we climbed the thousands of steps to the castle above us, I realized that Valhalla was an unexpected version of the afterlife. It was an old city, made from stone that showed its age. The mossy walls loomed over our heads as we approached the main gate through a thin tunnel that looked suspiciously like a trap for invaders. Apparently, the afterlife didn’t bring any kind of break in war.

  Or poverty either.

  The people were all decked out in drab cloaks and they looked as miserable, angry, distracted and busy as the living. They passed us with bundles of fruits, meats, hay and other essentials that you’d expect to see the living lugging around.

  I wondered if Valhalla had its own level of hell.

  But then I heard the laughter of children and spotted a few kids playing in the mud. I got glimpses of a distant farmland through the broken sections of wall.

  I almost knocked into a couple making out.

  “Not too far, younglings,” Freyja said to the couple, with a smirk.

  “We’ll be careful, Freyja, promise,” the boy said.

  So Fox and Coleslaw were right. Valhalla was a carbon copy of the world above.

  “Told you,” Fox muttered at me so Rebel couldn’t hear.

  “Yeah, you did” I said. “So what else can I expect?”

  “Politics, betrayal. Lots of betrayal. Sex, violence. Betrayal.”

  “Are you planning on betraying us?” I asked.

  “You really think I could after what I told you?”

  I didn’t answer because I didn’t know the answer.

  “Goddess of Sex, huh?” I said, looking ahead at Freyja. Her presence cleared a path through the other people entering the city.

  “She’d kill you,” Fox said.

  “Rebel? Nah. She just acts jealous.”

  “No. Freyja,” he said. “Her thighs would squeeze your lungs out your mouth.”

  “There are worse ways to go.”

  The vampire smiled.

  Freyja glanced over her shoulder and winked at me. She was one horny goddess.

  “You okay?” Rebel asked me.

  “Sure. We should let things play out. If I need to fight, I’ll fight.”

  “They probably won’t let you use your guns,” she said, unable to make eye contact with me.

  “I can take care of myself.”

  Sh
e shrugged, not believing that for one minute.

  We approached the castle’s gates. The forty foot high doors opened with the piercing shriek of iron on iron.

  “No WD-40 in the afterlife,” I said.

  “WD-40?” Freyja asked.

  “If I make it out of here I’ll send you some.”

  “Are you flirting with me?” she asked.

  “Sure, yeah,” I lied. I saw Rebel roll her eyes.

  We walked through the gates and were met with a wide staircase going down. Torches lined the walls and lit the way well. At the bottom of the stairwell I could make out the faint silhouette of a crowd. From the looks of it we had some people waiting for us.

  “You will meet Váli, the herald of Odin and Hela, and do not need to say anything. To do so is rude. You will then be introduced to the Emperor and Queen of the Vampires.” Freyja glanced sideways at Fox, who stopped in his tracks.

  “We need to turn back,” he said quickly. He was trying to keep his cool but I could see that he was ready to fight or flee.

  “You cannot,” Freyja said. “They know we are here. They know you are here.” She made a point of staring right at Fox. “Running is pointless.”

  “Then we fight,” he said to me.

  “Then you die,” Freyja countered quickly. She was trying to keep her voice down but it was still loud enough to echo off the stone walls.

  “What’s waiting for us down there,” I asked Fox. “The truth dammit.”

  “If the emperor is here, a trap,” he said.

  “What kind of a trap?”

  “We have to go,” Freyja said. This time she spoke so that her bosses at the end of the steps could hear her. A guard walked into view at the bottom of the staircase. He squinted to see what we were up to.

  “They await!” he yelled up at us.

  Freyja gritted her teeth. “I’m aware, Narfi,” she yelled back. It was time to finish the descent.

  A crowd faced us, doused in firelight from the torches and the chandelier above them. The room was some kind of receiving area with long tables, set for a meal.

  There were two groups, each dressed differently. The people straight ahead of us wore something like a priests robe, except it was crafted with leather which made it look like battle garb. But the robes were also every color under the sun, plus a few thrown in for shits and giggles.