Cynical Tales for Cynical Children

by Timothy Ahern

  The ornate carriage had barely cleared the moat when there was a loud cracking and the prince poked his head out the window

  “Hey, um, you! Tell me you didn't just break my carriage, we can't return to my kingdom in triumph if we're forced to hitchhike you know”

  “Forgive me my prince but when you vanished my sorrow was so great they had to wrap iron bands around my heart to stop it from breaking. Now you've been restored my heart is so filled with joy that the iron bands have been snapped in two and that was the cracking sound you just heard.”

  10 A witch, a king, a dark spooky forest and this doesn't get to be Macbeth? Oh how the muse taunts me.

  “Amazing what doctors can do nowadays but doesn't that leave you with a great deal of iron in your body?”

  “At this point I'd say It's worth it oh great prince” Faithful Henry smiled wryly as the carriage headed over the horizon and the three were never seen again.

  EXCOGITATION

  •

  How do we know the frog prince is who he says he is?

  You might call me Mr Suspicious but I'd like to think if all this had happened to me and I were about to wave goodbye to my daughter as she prepares to ride off with someone who, until last night, had been green and slimy then I would be remiss in my fatherly duties if I didn't ask a few probing questions since, when it comes down to it we've only got the word of so called Prince Alphonse Amphibianski and even though wicked witches certainly have a proclivity towards turning people into all manner of creatures we can't rule out the possibility of werefrogs.

  •

  Exactly why did the prince have to marry the princess once the curse had ended?

  Don't get me wrong, if you want an authentic happily ever after then marriage is mandatory11.

  This princess, despite being beautiful, doesn't appear to be the nicest person in the world.

  Realistically speaking there is nothing to stop the prince from riding off into the sunrise and sending a fruit basket by way of a tasteful thank you.

  Who knows? Perhaps the prince did attempt to sneak away in the night and the oft mentioned brute squad took pains to indicate their disapproval over the fact that the two were unchaperoned in a room with a bed in it, which meant, if the pair didn't get married quickly, there would be more than a few raised eyebrows over the royal teacups.

  •

  How long was the princess going to be held to this promise?

  If the frog prince wasn't actually an enchanted prince then it's worth noting something fairly important. With manners such as he'd shown during his visit, he would have been allowed to stay for a single night and then being politely yet firmly shown the door in the morning.

  •

  Why isn't the curse lifted by a kiss from the princess?

  While this is the traditional method of curse lifting it is one everyone knows about. We can therefore assume any magical practitioner who actually does employ this method of curse lifting would be looked down on by the magical community as a whole.

  The fact this curse may only be lifted by a specific individual who has shared a meal with the unfortunate prince and then thrown him at a wall shows there was at least one person who paid attention in Potions and Curses rather than mooning over the Potter boy.

  11 In these stories I mean, not in real life. It's important to know the difference. Hint: Aside from one or two notable exceptions, in real life, frogs don't talk.

  RATIOCINATION

  Leaving aside all this talk of curses and the legitimacy of an individuals claim to be an Amphibianski the person I remain the most suspicious about is the servant, Faithful Henry. It's possible this is my own cynical mind working overtime however, considering the fact he arrived for the prince the exact day after the curse is broken and in such an ornate fashion raises far too many questions about his character for my liking.

  Far be it from me to use this space in order to speculate wildly but the kind of person who has a name like 'Trusty' often can't be and while the exact details of the politics involved eludes us it is obvious Henry has been tempted with large amounts of money to ensure the prince is out of the picture.

  His first plan was to use the witch and it would have worked if not for the escape clause written into the magic which at last brings us to the lesson to be learned from all this.

  “Always have a backup plan and an escape route”

  Like any good schemer he has a plan B and it takes the form of a carriage so ornate only royalty would think about riding in it and at no stage does anyone think to check whether it is even roadworthy. Gold is a traditionally soft metal and as fancy as it sounds any solid gold chains wouldn't hold up if, or I should say, when an emergency happens.

  Or maybe he really is just a servant with an amazing sense of timing and I'm just reading too deeply into the whole situation.

  Nah.

  THE GOLDEN GOOSE

  In which we find industrial logging, petty theft and chartered accountancy combine

  to make the proverbial strange bedfellows in the quest for true love.

  Property. That thing which, according to popular opinion, is necessary before theft can occur. It is an intriguing phenomenon that there are some people in the world who continue to live under the delusion that outright theft is wrong and those who insist on obtaining items which don't belong to them deserve everything they get1.

  As difficult as this mindset is to conceive of there is another level to this thinking. Despite all evidence to the contrary these radicals continue to hold onto their beliefs even after one has taken time out of their busy day of thieving in order to carefully explain, yet again, the entire philosophy in which all property equals theft.

  This story has been specially selected to appeal to those of the anti theft mindset as it is something of a harrowing ordeal of crime and punishment. At least it would be were it not for the fact nobody actually manages to commit a crime which by their own logic, means there can be no punishment.

  Well, rather than being a ham handed story about a non existent crime and an equally non existent punishment this might actually be a carefully crafted story about the dangers one runs into when they abduct people. Except nobody was ever placed in any danger or actually abducted so once again neither crime nor punishment occurs.

  Wait, lets think about this again, maybe the story is just about what happens when a group of people get together and go for a walk, which doesn't sound like the most exciting of adventures to me.

  nce upon a time, when this sort of thing still happened, there happened to be a woodcutter named Thaddeus who was somewhat unique in the field of woodcutting Obecause he didn't make a habit of bursting into random houses on the off chance of catching any crossdressing wolves.

  In truth Thaddeus had something of a dark reputation around the various lumber camps because, while he was a generally a hard worker, he had a reputation for occasionally falling into the sort of fugue state much sought after by those of a poetical or otherwise creative nature.

  In an environment such as a lumber camp where there are a myriad of blades, saws and the sort of trees determined to topple the wrong way2 it should be noted that this mindset is generally not considered to be a survival trait.

  One day his father sent him off to a distant wood with the highly technical sort of instructions you only get when you've got an advanced degree in lumberjacking3. By the time Thaddeus was even able to reach the woods in question he had already encountered thorn bushes, slippery undergrowth, hidden cliffs and several growling things with glowing red eyes.

  1

  As a punishment I mean. They certainly didn't deserve to get my bike.

  2

  Malevolent Botany is considered to be one of the lesser of the dark arts. To the best of my knowledge there are no classes offered at the time of publication.

  3

  One: Chop the tree down.

  Two: Chop the tree up.

  Once the sun had set Thaddeus stood up, looked
over his work4 which was currently a relatively tiny dent in the smallest tree and put his axe down5.

  “Sod it, time for dinner”6 then he remembered he hadn't had any lunch “that is to say, lunch” then he thought some more, realized he hadn't had breakfast “I meant to say breakfast. Wait a minute, if I recall properly, I didn't have any dinner last night which means this is actually dinner, just not today's dinner”

  While he got the much debated meal ready a strange looking man emerged from the bushes and asked Thaddeus for a bite to eat. The new acquaintances split the dinner down the middle and did the same when the stranger produced a bottle of wine.

  “I'll tell you something mate” the stranger began “I'll tell you something. Of all the woodcutters what have come to fell my trees you're the first one who's been kind to me which means you deserve a reward. If you cut down the tree in the exact middle of the woods you'll find all the others will fall down by themselves and then, if you care to look in the roots of he tree you'll see there's a gift for you”

  “Gosh really?”

  “I'm the wizard of the woods mate so what I say goes. I got the pointy hat from me dad and the sparkly wand from mum who's a professional godmother. That's why if I say all the trees will fall down that's what's going to happen all right?”

  “But I chop down trees for a living” Thaddeus pointed out rather sensibly “you've just told me exactly how to clear cut an entire forest in hours rather than months.

  “Have I?”

  “Yes”

  “Shouldn't I have done that?”

  “Probably not”

  “Damn. Look I'm a bit new at this job, you see what I really wanted to be was a chartered accountant.

  My parents though, they were always on my back about continuing the family business which means here I am out in the middle of nowhere with a pointy hat, a degree in accounting and some vague instructions about taking care of the trees”

  With a somewhat unsteady wave of his hand the wizard conjured up another bottle of wine and began drinking without even looking at Thaddeus which was easier than one might think since he was already making his way to the center of the forest with a freshly sharpened axe.

  The tree in question proved to be almost inaccessible and the hard knotted timber was difficult to cut into. Eventually, through perseverance and a complete lack of anything else to do Thaddeus was able to overcome the tree and after one final thwack! He managed to turn a rather impressive forest into an equally impressive collection of lumber.

  “This will please dad and no mistake” He felt around in the roots of the tree and brought forth a goose with golden feathers “you though, I'm keeping for myself ”

  Thaddeus set off for home and it didn't take long before he was completely lost. It might have been the wine, the fact he was new to these parts or perhaps because he'd just altered the topography of the landscape in a significant way. In reality it was a combination of each of these factors which meant it was almost the middle of the night before he came across a village with an open tavern.

  “I'll take food and drink merry innkeeper” he announced loudly as he slammed the door just to make certain anyone who had actually been sleeping wasn't actually sleeping anymore. “a plate for me and a plate for my goose”

  4

  An act made difficult by the fact that he'd waited until the sun had gone down.

  5

  At this point I am required to issue a preemptive apology. Lumberjacks are not the most eloquent people at the best of times and it is solely in the interests of narrative accuracy which forces me to include some bad language. Those with sensitive eyes might wish to look away at this point while those with sensitive ears must rely on the personal discretion of the individual reader.

  6

  It's alright. You can start reading again.

  “Why is it sir” the tavern maid dared to ask as they were bringing him a second helping of, certainly not goose liver, pate “are you being so kind to your goose?”

  “He's no ordinary bird” confided Thaddeus “what I have here is a magic goose and he's worth a fortune. Now I shall stay the night in your most secure room since I don't want to be robbed7”

  With the extremely contrived setup out of the way one of the innkeepers daughters decided, in a move surprising exactly zero people, to pinch a feather based on a rather shaky logical process. To whit: This bird is magical, ergo the feathers of said bird are likewise magical. Thus, if I obtain said feather from said bird I shall qualify as a person of magic, receive my acceptance letter, get out of this distinctly unmagical one horse town and be dating some dreamboat wizard inside a week8

  Of course it all went wrong in the most spectacular way possible. The second her hand brushed against the goose it stuck there and no amount of pulling could free her. The innkeepers daughter called to her sisters urgently and unsurprisingly they became stuck as well which meant Thaddeus woke up to discover three women stuck to his goose9.

  “I just bet there's a really good story behind this”

  “We're so sorry. How can we get free?”

  “Not my problem” Thaddeus didn't know and wasn't about to admit it “it's too bad for you if you're stuck to my goose since it means you'll just have to come with me!”

  When the innkeeper saw what was going on he grabbed his daughter by the arm and was amazed to find himself being dragged along as well.

  As Thaddeus journeyed through the village he picked up a nosy village NPC, a banker, a bank robber, three guards and an off duty policeman who had attempted to stop this conga line of disorderly conduct. Soon crowds were flocking the roads to laugh at what was going on proving the moral of this story to be “There's no problem which can't be fixed with public ridicule”

  Close to the village stood the royal palace and in this particular royal place there lived a particularly royal daughter who was always unhappy. In keeping the traditions of sad princess's in fairytale lands there was a long standing proclamation which promised the daughters hand in marriage to whomever could make her laugh. To date nobody had succeeded because this entire story takes place at a time when standup comedy was in its infancy meaning they were more concerned with farting and falling down sideways rather than making clever commentaries about the state of the world.

  Now we mention the whole princess thing due to the fact the royal personage herself just happened to be crossing through the square as Thaddeus, the goose, the unhappy line and the crowds trailing after them were entering. It was such an amazing sight she stepped out of her carriage in order to get a closer look and before anyone could shout out a warning she found herself giving a permanent high five to the man stuck on the end of the line.

  Suddenly the crowd was silent. The rest of these people weren't actually important enough to care about but this? This was not only a princess, this was The princess and if there wasn't a way to get OUR princess unstuck then everyone was in for a world of trouble.

  Thankfully this never came about because just as everyone stuck to the goose was thinking largely unprintable variations of “Oh heck” the princess began laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of the whole situation. They all headed up to the castle and left the crowd behind because while a cat may look at a king nobody wanted to be remembered as the type of person who would laugh at a princess.

  7

  “. which is why I'll speak in a loud voice and announce to everyone I've just woken up to the fact I have a magic goose”

  What is this a pantomime?

  8

  I feel as though she might be expecting a bit much from a single feather of dubious magical quality.

  9

  A quaint turn of phrase which sounds much dirtier than it really is.

  When the king looked out over the ramparts of his castle as kings are wont to do and saw his daughter bent double in laughter he could hardly believe it. After he'd received Thaddeus he could still hardly believe it, yet he remained serious in spite of the general mirth becau
se this is something of an occupational requirement when you're a king10.

  “As I see it young man. Short of loosing a hand, it would seem there is no way to get any of you free”

  he stroked his beard thoughtfully “would the magic go away if we were to kill the goose?”

  “No need sire! No need” from the back of the court came the Wizard of the Woods, wearing much finer clothing than before, he snapped his fingers in a particularly magic way, cried “Hoopla!” suddenly everyone was free11.

  This is how the simple woodcutter set out to chop down a tree and ended up married to the princess who couldn't laugh.

  10 Page 345, paragraph 2 of the royal requirements to be precise. 'a king may only laugh in the face of death or when his enemies are on the rack. For other situations regarding the display of emotions consult the table in appendix XXXVII'

  11 Everyone except, it behooves me to point out, for the aforementioned bank robber and, matrimonialy speaking, Thaddeus

  EXCOGITATION

  •

  Why was he sent so far away from the lumber camp?

  Presumably he'd been trying to help someone, it had gotten out of hand and all his attempts to fix it only ended with a building collapsing around the ears of all concerned. Sending him away from the camp was probably his fathers attempt to smooth things over with the other lumberjacks.

  •

  How is he able to pull so many people?

  By the time the princess gets involved there's eleven people stuck to the goose yet they can't stop themselves going wherever Thaddeus wants to go12. Had everyone all thought to pull in the same direction the climax to this story is a gigantic tug of war

  •

  Exactly how do we know the goose is a magic one?

  Although it skirts the shoals of cruelty to animals everything which occurs in this story could easily have been achieved with half a can of gold spraypaint and some slow drying glue.

  Once again however I take the opportunity to advise against experimentation as, in direct contrast to the temperament of the bird presented in this story, geese are both cunning and vindictive at the best of times as can be attested by anyone who has attempted to walk past a pond whilst carrying a loaf of bread, or looking like they might be carrying a loaf of bread, or looking like someone who might once have seen a loaf of bread.