Cynical Tales for Cynical Children

by Timothy Ahern

  •

  Dare we ask why the Wizard of the Woods is conveniently at the royal court?

  With no forest to look after clearly he was finally able to follow his dream and managed to get a job as the royal accountant.

  At no point do I suggest he was merely stuck into the crowd as a last minute plot contrivance because the people who first told the story had managed to paint themselves into a corner.

  12 We should be grateful Thaddeus never needed to use the bathroom.

  RATIOCINATION

  Thus, we come to the end of the story and I have to say I don't think much of the lesson which is generally presented to the little children with this story to whit:

  “You see what happens when you steal things?”

  I hasten to point out however the only reason I don't like it is because nothing in terms of consequences actually happen to anyone. Everyone gets to go home, a random lumberjack who abducted a large group of people ends up with a royal princess. This small fact undoes the first lesson of this otherwise delightful story. To, once more, whit:

  “Hey kids if you talk to strangers then magical things will happen. Maybe you'll

  get a surprise!13”

  Which, now I'm writing it out, possibly isn't the best of lessons to teach kids. Better to stick with don't steal stuff.

  13 “. maybe it's in my van and smells of chloroform!”

  THE DEVILS SOOTY BROTHER

  In which we learn that, for all his other faults, Lucifer is actually a considerate

  employer.

  Predictability. It's that certain something stockbrokers look for as they scour the markets hoping today will be the day when they find that perfect investment opportunity. Predictably enough they tend to go home defeated, tired and not amazingly wealthy.

  The fairy tale genre, to further extend this metaphor, can also be considered to be somewhat predictable. If it so happens that a young lady finds herself in dire straits she'll eventually encounter some Prince who will make his way through Hell in order to ensure the pair are able to embark on a new life together.

  Ho hum.

  If we've heard about it once we've heard about it a hundred times.

  Historically speaking someone else must have said “Ho hum” or the local equivalent because this story certainly puts the un in unpredictable.

  The handsome prince, for example, is neither prince nor handsome and while I concede he went through Hell in order to achieve his goals I'm not so certain it counts when you literally go there and have a good time.

  In addition the young ladies, despite being surrounded by a somewhat motley crue are hardly in the aforementioned dire straits by any stretch of the imagination.

  Finally the Devil who, despite his significant role in the story, doesn't attempt to lay claim to anybodies soul in blatant defiance of accepted theological texts.

  here was once a man who wasn't happy with his place in the world. This was largely because he had been conscripted into the army, marched away from his home for reasons of patriotism which had never been made clear to him and then discharged for a variety Tof reasons which would made clear later in the narrative. He had nothing to live on and didn't hold much hope for being able to make his way in the world. As he walked through the forest considering his current position or, more accurately his complete lack of current position he met a man who could only be the Devil mentioned in the title.

  “Morning Mr Morningstar” the soldier greeted the infernal personage with deliberate calmness.

  “Damn. It's the pitchfork isn't it? I knew I should have left it behind but it's part of the uniform.

  Anyway, I was just sitting here minding my own business when you turned up looking down in the dumps. What's on your mind friend? ”1

  “Oh nothing except I got kicked out of the army, haven't got any food or money and can't see any way of getting either”

  “What you fail to see soldier boy is that the answer to all your problems are right in front of you, I've been looking for a competent serving man for a while now and if you would like the job then you'll have enough for all the rest of your life”

  “That does sound like a good deal”

  “Trust me” Lucifer smiled like a particularly diabolical tiger “Let's call it a seven year contract and my only condition is you can't wash, comb your hair or even cut your nails”

  “That's an amazing specific list sir. I take it there's a union?”

  “Naturally. I am the devil after all”

  1

  Caveat. The Devil calls everyone friend. Be wary of this.

  Contrary to popular belief the requirement for infernal arrangements to be signed in blood is something of a bureaucratic technicality, the exact date of invention will be clarified at a later point.

  Suffice to say this particular arrangement was sealed with a simple handshake and a quick walk down into the Stygian depths.

  When they arrived at the infernal abode it was, despite what certain theological estate agents would have you believe, a tasteful structure with a commanding view of the twin lakes of fire and a constant stream of visitors who seemed to make an equal amount of noise and mess.

  “Keep the house clean, make certain everything is kept in order and poke the fire under the kettles in the kitchen” the soldier looked over the rest of the pages which were covered in increasing amounts of minutia “doesn't look too difficult”

  “You'd be doing me a favor really, I used to do all this stuff myself but you know how it is. The business is growing and as soon as I start one thing ten people turn up with important jobs which need doing right away” he waved at the crowd waiting for his attention “QED”

  “No prob boss, you can count on me” the soldier got on with his work and, quite unlike Cinderella, didn't languish about the place, talk to cats or wait for some half rate fairy godmother to turn up and start waving her sparkly wand2.

  A few days later the prince of darkness emerged from his office “Looks like you've got a handle on things, I've got some business I need to take care of so I'll be gone for a while”

  “It feels good to be doing honest work for a change” the soldier looked up from the washing without a hint of irony.

  “Glad to hear it” the Devil looked down as a minor imp arrived with the infernal steed and a few pieces of coloured papers which trembled in his hand as he offered them to the diabolical presence “what are these?”

  “Bureaucracy sir, the R&D boys are trialing it before general release. They say it’s guaranteed to make everything easier and bring things to a screaming halt at the same time”

  “That's what I like to hear” his infernal majesty smiled and quickly stamped the infernal forms required for taking the infernal stallion from the infernal stables “keep up the good work, may the forces of evil never sleep and all that”

  Left to his own devices the soldier got on with his work and eventually found himself in the kitchens where three oversize kettles were slowly simmering away. Overcome with curiosity he opened the nearest kettle to discover the thoroughly miserable form of his former general.

  “Have you come to release me?”

  “It's a possibility. How did the war go?”

  “Not well. The weather turned and the soldiers started dying. The ones who didn't desert or join the enemy mutinied in the middle of the night and, well here I am”

  “I'm not the one who decides these things but I think this is the one place you need to be. I had friends in your army” the soldier put the lid back on the pot and a fresh load of wood on the fire before turning to the second pot which contained a particular lieutenant who had once delighted in making his life as hellish as possible.

  2

  A minor point should, perhaps, be brought to the attention of the reader at this point. Despite the fact that it would have taken a metric ton of magic to render the soldier marginally acceptable to even the most desperate of Princes this wasn't about to occur anytime soon since, owing to se
veral misunderstandings and a severe breakdown in negotiations faeries, with special emphasis on fairies of the godmother persuasion, have been expressly forbidden from entering the infernal regions.

  The knowledge that there is somewhere they are not permitted to be is extremely irksome to the race as a whole and it is entirely possible that this is the entire point.

  “This is a nice turn up for the books” the lieutenant was buried up to the neck in a thick red soup

  “have you braved Hell itself to come and rescue me?”

  “Well, yes and no. Yes I have braved Hell itself and no I haven't come to rescue you”

  “Thought not” the lieutenant sighed in resignation “I'm not surprised to see you down here after what you did”

  “I was gathering much needed supplies! A perfectly acceptable military tradition showing cunning and forethought”

  “It's only gathering much needed supplies when you're doing it to the enemy. You went through ten privates and a general before we caught you”

  “Yet here I am and here you are. I hope you enjoy your new career as soup stock”

  His corporal was inside the final kettle and surrounded by all manner of strange floating things, none of whom looked happy to be in there with him.

  “Oh, so you're here as well I see”

  “Sure am. Only as I've already explained to the other two I'm here on something of a voluntary basis.

  What are you down here for?”

  “There were a lot of little things although bearing false witness at your trail seems to be the one which actually pushed me over the line. Lets hear it for irony I suppose”

  “I knew you were lying to save yourself!”

  “Don't be dense. Everybody knew I was lying, just like everybody knew someone had to take the fall and after you walloped the General over the head we all knew it would be you”

  “Well, what goes around comes around my friend. I'll be sure to mention you specifically to my boss”

  The soldier heaped wood under the kettles until the flames were so large they threatened to engulf the kitchen.

  A few days later when the aforementioned boss returned it was to a sight most strange even by the admittedly vast standards of Hell.

  Cerberus stood at the front gate snarling at a growing horde of bureaucratic imps who demanding everyone present on the other side fill out the necessary papers while an ill fitting team of devils were working to move his furniture from the inside of the house to his front garden.

  The soldier and Duke Azyamethirmatical, the tyrant de jour of the eightysixth circle3 were currently stuck on opposite ends of a piano, fighting about the best way to get it through the front door.

  “Listen you quivering mortal! Can't you see all we need to do is take the legs off and then we can wiggle it through with no problem”

  “Unless what you want is to get the thing stuck halfway through the door then it's not going to work.

  If you were out here you'd be able to see what I'm talking about except you can't actually get out here because there's a damn silly piano in the way. Can't you magic it away or something?”

  “It's like that is it? Just because I'm a demon I automatically have magic powers? That's racist”

  “Just push it back your way and we'll work around it. I keep telling you it'll be fine in the hallway” the soldier looked up as the shadow of evil fell upon him “hiya boss”

  “Do you mind if I ask exactly what's going on here?”

  “I'm pulling on this end” the duke called out “are you sure you're pushing on yours?”

  “Yeah I am” the soldier, who wasn't, shouted back “I thought you'd be gone for longer so I took the opportunity to give the place a good scrub from floor to ceiling. There's even a vampire taking care of the bats in the belfry”

  3

  Spoiler alert: The eightysixth circle of hell is not talked about much in theological circles as it is reserved for the kind of people who complain the film didn't follow the book accurately, constantly talk throughout the showing of the film and then make certain everybody knows about the huge twist at the end.

  It should also be noted that nobody has ever broken into Hell, braved the dangers therein and demanded the dramatic rescue of anyone located on this particular circle.

  “Those are still there? I thought they'd left long ago”

  “The kitchen and the front rooms are finished so you can grab a bite to eat and sit down at least although I don't recommend going upstairs since I've just put some brimstone down and it's a bit hard on the nose. It should get rid of all those blood stains on the floor though”

  “Maybe I'll just go out for a coffee and a slice of angel cake. Keep up the good work and all that but however did you manage to get all these people working together?”

  “You know what? It’s the strangest thing because first I hinted very strongly this would put them in your good books and that didn't work very well because nobody in Hell trusts anything anybody says.

  Then I pointed out this was the only property in Hell which was free of bureaucracy and suddenly everyone was eager to help”

  The Devil looked back at the gate where his dog was comfortably gnawing on the remains of an imp

  “Yes, I rather think this one might have gotten away from us a little”

  Time passed in this manner, the soldier methodically worked through his duties and never got bored or tired of working for his employer whom he had come to regard as a friend. However all things must eventually come to an end and one day the Devil went to the soldier.

  “What have you been doing today?”

  “Just the usual boss. Stoking the fires, walking the dog and giving the cat a bath”

  “Is that all?”

  “Believe me that's enough, there's elder demons who don't know as much about inflicting pain as your cat does, she should be on the payroll. Oh I've got the mail as well”

  “Anything interesting in there?”

  “Just some bills. Price of coal has gone up again and you might have already won a million pieces of gold”

  “You know, sometimes I wonder if we're not taking this evil thing a little too far. Anyway I was looking at my calendar today and did you realize you've been down here for seven years?”

  “Seven years really? But that means”

  “It does indeed my friend. Your contract is complete, you can relax for a while. Will you be going home again?”

  “I probably should, my father hasn't heard from me since I left so it would be worth it to drop in and say hello”

  “That's a good idea, now you mention it I wonder if I shouldn't pay my own dad a visit”

  “I always thought that relations between you and him were a little tight”

  “Strictly speaking you guys aren't supposed to know this but most of the stuff you hear about is just gossip. At the end of the day he had plans, I had plans and we never really got on. Then there was a thing which kicked off another thing, wires got crossed and it all led to a big row. But you don't want to stand here listening to me drone on about my boring family when you could be out in the world spending all those lovely wages”

  “Now that you mention it”

  “All right so what I want you do to is go down to the kitchens and sweep all the dust into your knapsack”

  “The dust from the kitchens?” the soldier asked flatly “that's my pay?”

  “There's a bit of a catch as well” The devil smiled as though he meant it “even though you're not in my service anymore you need to remain in your unwashed state. Also, whenever anyone asks where you're from you've got to tell them that you're from Hell. If they ask who you are just tell them you're my brother and I'm your king”

  “I'm from Hell” the soldier repeated coldly

  “Just like that. I got a call from R&D this morning and they've just invented marketing, don't ask me how it works”

  The soldier didn't know how it worked either but wisely held his tongue as he stompe
d away to the kitchens in order to collect the wages of sin.

  “Seven years! Seven bloody years and what do I have to show for it?” beside him the demon who had given the hitch-hiker a lift on the highway from hell groaned and, for the first time ever, found himself sympathizing with the plight of the tortured souls “a bag full of dust that's what and where did all that dust suddenly come from? I know I cleaned the kitchen this morning and suddenly it looks as though I haven't touched it once in the whole time I've been here”

  The rant continued long after the soldier had left the highway and walked along a path of good intentions until he reached the forest where this whole thing had started and suddenly he was dragged to the ground by the weight of his bag. Upon opening it he discovered every speck of dust he'd collected had turned into pure gold and now the only downside to everything was the fact he'd also had an egg which he'd been saving for later which was now totally ruined.

  “Evening landlord” The innkeeper looked in horror at the appreciation standing stood before him like a particularly badly made scarecrow who had given up on life “I'll be needing your finest room tonight”

  “Where in heck did you come from?”

  “I'm from Hell actually, it's a little further down the road. Now that I think about it I'm going to need some dinner as well, would you have any eggs about the place?”

  “I'll see what's in the back sir” the innkeeper was anxious to get away from the walking landfill “if I might just have your name for the register?”

  “I'm the Devils sooty brother” the soldier signed with a hand so dirty t turned the rest of the pages brown “he's my king as well you know”

  “You're a loony” the innkeeper muttered as he bustled around in the kitchen “but a loony with money is a loony who is always welcome at my inn”

  There was no shortage of food or rooms available to the soldier since there weren't any people who were willing to stay in the same inn as the Devils brother if there were any other options available and when the innkeeper, who had been fuming about this fact all night, assisted the soldier to his chambers he tripped over the heavy bag of gold.