Feeling White

by Charlotte E Hart

  His voice is so husky and coarse with lust that I just look up at his handsome face, panting and flicking my gaze between his eyes and his mouth. How the hell should I know? He wants me to speak? It’s not possible so I follow my gut instinct.

  I pull on his hand and move it to my throat. It’s safe there. I can handle it that way and then walk away from him. That wicked smile of his arrives as he licks his lips and grips onto my neck gently. He pulls his hips back deliciously slowly and starts to move. The friction is immediate and so intense that I feel myself beginning to clench around him straight away as the build of my orgasm takes hold. Increasing his rhythm, he pushes against my throat a bit more with that expert pressure of his and grabs me into him.

  “Yes,” I hiss at him as his force increases with every punishing stroke and his answering groan into my neck tells me he’s nearly there as well. His fingers bury into my hip as he uses his body to push me into the bed, with each brutal thrust almost trying to get so close that I have no way of escaping him. I couldn’t if I wanted to because the feeling of stars is nearly there as his hand tightens around my throat again and I tip my head back at his growl. The instant I do, my nub rubs against him more powerfully and I begin to explode.

  “Alex, God, yes...” I hear myself shouting as those lights start flashing behind my eyelids and that serene place beckons me. The feeling of him still moving increases the intensity and has me moaning with lust for him. His fingers grab at my face and force me to look back at him as he releases my throat and pounds into me slowly. I can feel his darkened blue eyes reaching back into my soul and tugging me back to him with every stroke as his other hand wraps under my neck and pulls me closer.

  “More, Elizabeth. Give me more.” He growls as he crushes me into him and bites at my lips. I moan in response and let every inch of myself revel in the feeling of him on me again, his muscles twisting, his scent reminding me, and his damned voice owning me again with each word uttered from his mouth. Skin slides across me beautifully as he closes the gap between us further and tempts me back towards everything I need from him. His strength, his very presence is enough to tell me there’s no going back. I love him. Every captivating thing about him seems to fit so well within me, so fluidly.

  There’s no room between us now and I feel almost part of him as our bodies move together seamlessly and he continues with his rhythm, his eyes still continuing their intense assault as I moan deliriously with each circle of his hips and feel my body tighten around him again. My hands grasp at his back in an attempt to pull him nearer, and as I feel him swelling inside me, my mouth moves to his. I’m overwhelmed and completely lost beneath him as he responds breathlessly with beautifully soft lips rolling his tongue smoothly over mine and gripping my thigh tightly.

  “I missed you,” falls from my lips before I can stop it. He hesitates slightly then continues his relentless driving as I rise to meet each thrust and give him every inch of my body that I can to increase the pressure between us as it builds. Pulling his mouth from mine, he curls his face into my neck and lets his body begin to spasm in a peaceful pulse of movement. The euphoria that hits me is mind numbing, earth shattering, just him and me in a never ending wave of joy, just this one last time.

  “I love you,” he breathes out into my neck as his jaw tightens with his release and then groans out deliciously with the pleasure of it. My eyes fly open instantly. “I love you, Elizabeth.”

  Did he just say that?

  No, he couldn’t have, but he did. He said it twice, actually. No, don’t be stupid, Beth. He doesn’t love you. What did he say then if he didn’t say that? He did, didn’t he?

  I can’t move at all because if I do, I might have to touch him again or something and the very fact that he’s still breathing rapidly into my neck means that I’d have to touch him to get him off me. My hands have stilled so completely at the shock of his words that I don’t know what to do, and much as I’d like to believe what I heard, I just can’t, because why the fuck would you leave someone that you love?

  I’m confused yet again, but I think I’m more angry than confused because I just can’t understand why he would put me through any of what’s happened if he feels like that. I was happy to just have sex and feel him on me. I made a decision to enjoy the nearness of him and just have one more time. Okay, I probably felt love on the way through. In fact, I felt every intense emotion I’ve ever felt around him but I wasn’t about to tell him that. I know that missing you bit slipped out but I was just caught up in the moment.

  But this is not what I expected and now I have no idea how I feel. Oh, sod this.

  I heave as hard as I can and quickly roll away from him when I’ve found an inch of space, grabbing the sheet as I go, and promptly stand on the floor, staring at him with narrowed eyes. The sheet is so tightly wrapped around me that I almost laugh at my own absurdity, given the fact that we’ve just had sex, but for some reason, I pull it tighter and try to process my thoughts. Perhaps I shouldn’t. Perhaps I should say the first thing that pops into my head and pressure him.

  He’s moved to the side of the bed and is sitting there looking back at me with equally narrowed eyes and a frown, but his face has an underlying tone of amusement, which causes my blood to boil a bit more because if he’s bloody laughing at me, I’ll kill him. I try desperately to look for deceit in his eyes because I know that’s what he does when he wants something, not in a vindictive manner but the man has made millions, possibly billions, out of being a manipulative sod and he’s damn good at it. But all I can see is a forthright Alex, the Alex who knows he’s in the right and is ready for a fight about it. He wouldn’t say those words if he didn’t mean them, would he?

  His face returns to cool and controlled while he studies me carefully, almost weighing up his newest opponent in a game of minds, and I can feel my nose twitching as I watch him and try to work out what I want to say. His brow slowly arches at me as he rests his elbows on his knees and supports his chin with his hands.

  “Whenever you’re ready, Elizabeth,” he says expectantly. He clearly doesn’t know what he’s dealing with so he just sits there waiting.

  “What did you say?” comes out of my mouth before I can stop it. I so wish I could put my hands on my hips right now.

  “I’m not sure I should say it again if this is the reaction I get,” he replies quietly as he runs his hands through his hair.

  “You can’t say that sort of thing. We... We had sex, Alex. That’s it. That’s all. You can’t take those words and-”

  I am abruptly cut off as he stands up in all his magnificent glory and takes a step toward me. I back up rapidly, not daring to allow him to touch me again.

  “We did not just have sex, baby, as you well know,” he says as he keeps moving and I keep retreating.

  “You don’t mean it. If you did, you wouldn’t have left,” I blurt out as I hold my hand up to him, trying to halt his progress. It doesn’t work.

  “I do mean it. Do you believe I would ever say those words if I didn’t mean them?” His sodding eyebrow arches again as he stops and stares at me with astonishment in his eyes. Well no, but that’s not the point. Why would he say it then?

  “You manipulate people. You admit it yourself. It’s what you do,” I reply as I clutch at straws for some reason for him telling me he loves me.

  “Why would I try to influence you?” is his response as he opens his palms and sighs at me. My eyes become slits. He’s hiding something; I can see it in him.

  “Because you...” I don’t know. “Because you want me back, to trust you again.” He moves forward again. Predatory Alex is returning and I realise I have to keep him away until this is finished.

  “Do you trust me?” No… Yes… But you’re not telling me the whole truth and you have to.

  “No,” I reply sharply as I hit the wall. Why am I always banging into things around him? Pathetic.

  “Liar.” Bastard.

  “No, you broke this, us,” I say b
itterly as I wildly motion backwards and forwards between the two of us with my hand.

  “Yes, I did, but I want to fix it,” he says with frown as he drops his head a little. I know I’m hitting some nerves so I decide to go in for the kill.

  “Why?”

  “I’ve just told you why. I love you,” he replies with a confused face.

  “No, not that, that’s ridiculous. I mean why did you leave me?” Did I just say that being in love with me was ridiculous? Get a grip, Beth.

  “You think me loving you is ridiculous?” His expression is one of amazement and frankly he’s got a point, but I can’t let him get away from the truth now. I’m on a roll, and while he hasn’t got any time to think, I keep pressing.

  “Yes. No... I don’t know. That’s not the point. Why did you go?” You will answer me, Mr. White.

  “I thought you were lying.” His game face has returned and I inwardly groan in frustration at his mask coming back.

  “What about?” I ask immediately, not giving him a chance.

  “Loving me.” What? Who does he think I am?

  “Why would I lie about that?” I reply as I throw both of my hands in the air and then realise I’ve dropped the sheet. It skims to my feet. Shit. Oh, balls to it. I seriously don’t care at the moment.

  “To manipulate me, to throw me off guard,” he says as he skims my body with his eyes and smirks a little at my now hands on hips stance.

  “That’s stupid. Who the hell would lie about being in love with someone?” I shout at him in utter shock.

  “Plenty of people when they want to destroy you,” he mumbles to the floor as he grabs the back of his neck and moves his head from side to side.

  “What are you talking about? I don’t understand,” I reply quietly as I notice his agitation building. He’s clearly getting frustrated and I know he’ll clam up if I don’t tread carefully.

  “No, you wouldn’t, because you are absolutely guiltless and I misjudged a situation catastrophically because I am most definitely not.” He sighs as he moves away from me and grabs his jeans. Pulling them on, he turns to the dresser and pulls out a green t-shirt.

  “Alex, please tell me what the hell you are talking about because I’m completely lost here,” I say as I stare at him and try to figure out where he’s going with this.

  “I’m not having the rest of this conversation naked, and I refuse to have that fucking bastard in our bedroom.” What? Who on earth is he talking about now? And ours? Really?

  “This is not our bedroom, it’s yours, and unless you fill me in on what sounds like some pretty relevant information, I’ll never be setting foot in here again,” I reply sharply. I feel like stamping my foot at his reluctance to just tell me what it is. He walks into the bathroom and brushes his teeth.

  “Elizabeth, please, just get dressed and come downstairs. I’ll make some coffee and we can continue with this.” I watch him as he walks by me with a frown. “Your clothes are still in the wardrobe if you’d like them,” he says as he leaves and heads down the landing.

  “Why the hell are my clothes still here?” I say to myself while I stare at his retreating body pulling the t-shirt over his head. Beautiful as it is, something looks strange about his back so I tilt my head and study him moving. Something seems off balance somehow. Then it hits me - a new run of numbers on his tattoo. What the hell?

  I frown at the door and wonder what to do now as I glance down at my body, realising that I can hardly walk into his kitchen with nothing on. Sneering at myself, I stomp across to the walk-in wardrobe and pull open the doors. He’s right. All of the clothes that he bought for me are still hanging in exactly the same place. I wander over to the drawers and pull out a brown shirt and pair of skinny black jeans and yank them on furiously. Much as I’d like to debate the stupidity of these clothes still being here, I want the conversation more and if that means I have to wear them, so be it. I can hardly wear the scrap of material that was last night’s dress. Hairband? I wonder... Wandering back across to the bedside table on my side, I open the drawer and find a black hair tie that I left here still staring at me. He really hasn’t removed a thing of mine. He did say he hadn’t been back here since he left for New York. Where has he been then? I stride to the bathroom and open the cabinet. All my creams and make up are still in there and so, thankfully, is my toothbrush. I grab at it and viciously scrub at my teeth while I try and fathom the reason he would do any of this and who he thinks I’ve been working with to destroy him.

  Looking up into the mirror, I remind myself that I am stronger now, that he made me stronger, and that I should keep looking him straight in the eye. I have nothing to hide and I’ve done nothing wrong. Slamming the cabinets closed, I give myself a quick once over and head out towards the stairs. Unfortunately, I’m met with the sound of Adele’s album drifting up to me and I hesitate as I listen to the words.

  “Should I give up or should I just keep chasing rainbows?”

  God, he’s good. Belle would be laughing at his audacity and flying in for the kill.

  I, however, desperately want to believe every word that leaves his mouth, and as I listen to the rest of the song, I know he’s trying to tell me something. Regardless of the heartless bastard that left that note for me, I’ve seen the other version of him, the one who’s learning what it feels like to be open to his feelings again and trust a bit more. Has this really all been just a misunderstanding? It’s possible, and if he did feel used or lied to for some reason, he would have done exactly what he did and reverted to the callous arsehole inside, giving no thought to me whatsoever. I’m actually surprised he didn’t throw me out by the scruff of my neck and humiliate me even more, given what he apparently thought happened. Well, either way, the only way I’m going to get to the bottom of this is to go and find him.

  My chest rises and falls heavily as I descend the sweeping burgundy carpet to the hall. I have no idea what I’m about to hear and for the time being I’m still not entirely sure what to do with the happy feeling that’s starting to flood me as I ponder whether we can get past whatever this is. However, as I reach the kitchen and see him sitting there at the table staring out into the garden blankly, my heart thuds energetically in my chest. I love him, desperately. I know because the heat of emotion that rises as he senses me and turns his head is overwhelming and I long to run over to him and tell him. His features soften into a smile as he watches me in the doorway and then stands and walks to me. His hand reaches for my face and for the first time, I nuzzle into him and close my eyes.

  “Come and sit. We have a lot to talk about,” he says as he guides me across to the table and passes me some coffee. He sits and stares at me for a moment with a smirk. “Ask away,” he continues.

  Where do I start?

  “Where have you been?” I ask as I pick up my drink and sit back in my seat, savouring the taste.

  “New York, then LA, then the apartment,” he clips.

  “Why the apartment?”

  “Because I’ve never had you there and I needed to think clearly. I struggle to do that around you. Thinking of you is distracting enough.” Well I suppose that’s a complement of sorts…

  “What do you think you saw?”

  “I saw you with Henry DeVille at the Addison’s ball.” Henry?

  “Right, and what does Henry have to do with anything?” I ask in complete confusion.

  “I didn’t know you knew him. He’s trying to ruin me so I assumed something that I now know was not the case,” he replies on a sigh with a small shrug of his shoulders.

  “What do you mean? Henry’s not like that, and why didn’t you just ask me about it?” He stands abruptly and I watch him walk over to the coffee machine and press more buttons as he reaches over to the cupboard for more glasses.

  “Elizabeth, you have to try to understand the world that I live in. It’s all lies and manipulation. That’s the way it works. If I was correct and I had asked you about it, you would have told Henry and th
en he would have stepped up his game. If I let you believe that I just didn’t feel the same as you, Henry would have assumed that you’d failed in your quest to seduce me and would have been none the wiser. It wouldn’t be that surprising to him that you couldn’t control me. Nobody else ever has.”

  I sort of get that I suppose.

  “I still don’t understand. I’ve known Henry since I was a child. He’s a good man. Besides, he said he was a good friend of yours,” I say as I cross my arms and feel myself becoming even more confused by the situation. The thought of Henry being anything other than fantastic is just plain weird.

  “I thought so, too, but now I know differently,” he replies as he sits back down with two fresh drinks, good timing given that I’ve just drained mine.

  “Didn’t you think you knew me better than that? How could you think that I’d be capable of conspiring with someone in something so disgusting?” He sighs and looks out across the garden.

  “You know, you’re right. It is quite beautiful out there,” he says, pointing his finger to the garden. I roll my eyes at the obvious deflection and keep going.

  “Alex, do not try to change the subject.” He smirks at the window and drops his gaze as he returns his eyes to mine and his face breaks into a wide smile.

  “You’re really very good at this when you get going,” he says, tapping the table with his wicked fingers. I try not to look at them because I know he’s still trying to manoeuvre to a more comfortable place by teasing me.

  “I’m glad you approve but you’re still deflecting.” I fold my arms and raise my brows at him. He sighs, pinches his brow and crosses his legs. The look of a tired man seeps into him and I almost feel like backing off and letting him just relax.