Satisfaction Guaranteed

by Karelia Stetz-Waters

Was Selena asking…? Cade kept her eyes on the fire. If she looked at Selena, Selena would see everything written on her face. If that wasn’t the question Selena was asking, it would break her heart.

  “You’re a good person,” Selena said. “You’re responsible. You listen. You don’t push things.”

  “I’m boring.”

  “You’re not.”

  The passion in Selena’s voice turned Cade’s head. She gazed into Selena’s dark eyes, then gently reached out and stroked a lock of hair off Selena’s forehead. Selena sighed.

  “I could take an accounting class,” Selena said.

  Never in the history of accounting had those words ever filled someone’s heart with the wild, reeling joy Cade felt. Selena wanted her. Cade didn’t move.

  “You’d be good at it,” she whispered.

  “I’m just saying,” Selena said, “if you wanted to push a girl to break her vow, you could.”

  All the longing of the past weeks, all Cade’s impossible hope rolled into this moment.

  “I would never push you,” Cade whispered. “I would never do anything you didn’t want me to.”

  Selena smiled.

  “Well, then, Cade Elgin, would you kiss me? I’m ready.”

  Selena sat up. They looked at each other. Selena cupped Cade’s cheek.

  “You’re so beautiful,” Selena said.

  Cade didn’t know if she moved first or if Selena did. All she knew was that Selena’s lips were warm and soft on hers and that Selena’s kiss was full of need and tenderness. They kissed for a long time. Eventually they slid down onto the futon, lying side by side, arms wrapped around each other. Cade loved the feel of Selena’s body against hers, but Cade didn’t rush anything. Selena hadn’t said what ready meant. If all they did was kiss, Cade was already in heaven. But Selena’s kisses grew more urgent. She moved from Cade’s lips to her neck. Her legs wrapped around Cade’s. Selena moaned in the back of her throat. Cade felt the same aching longing consume her.

  Selena broke her kiss long enough to ask, “Do you want to? We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

  Yes, Cade wanted to. She was trembling with how much she wanted to. But before she did, she really should mention the bit about six times, kicked-out-of-bed, and pre-orgasmic.

  “Yes,” Cade breathed. “But I’m afraid I won’t be good enough for your new first time.”

  “You will,” Selena said.

  Selena didn’t know what an optimist she was, and Cade didn’t tell her. Instead, Cade lifted the hem of Selena’s shirt and drew it over her head. Selena was even more beautiful than Cade had imagined, her breasts full in a bra of translucent black lace. Her belly was soft, her skin smooth. Cade marveled at her until Selena said, “Now you,” and pulled Cade’s sweater over her head. She unbuttoned Cade’s shirt and undid Cade’s bra with one hand. Cade loved the urgency in Selena’s touch.

  “Can I take off your pants?” Selena asked.

  This was happening. Cade wanted it so much.

  “Yes.”

  “You’re gorgeous,” Selena said when Cade was naked.

  Selena took a breath as if steadying herself. She motioned for Cade to lie in front of her. She touched Cade’s ankle and slowly caressed her, all the way up to her earlobes, rubbing them between her fingers, making Cade’s toes curl with desire.

  “It’s been a long time,” Selena said. “Tell me if I go too fast.”

  Cade wanted to tell Selena she could go as fast or slow as she wanted, but she could barely form the words, “Don’t worry.”

  Then Selena slipped out of the rest of her clothing, straddled Cade, then leaned over and kissed her, deep and desperate. Tasting her. Claiming her. There was nothing but Selena’s lips and the fire of their hips touching.

  And although Cade didn’t have experience, she found she had confidence. The confidence of running the gallery. The confidence of looking at a piece of art and knowing if she was looking at a star. Maybe it even helped that she was good with QuickBooks. She was strong and smart and thoughtful and attentive and so desperately in love.

  Love. How had it happened so quickly? Maybe because her soul had been searching for Selena her whole life without even knowing it. Her body knew where to go from there.

  She lay on top of Selena, bracing herself on one elbow. Selena’s kisses sent sparks shivering along the back of her legs, lighting up her center…or as Selena would insist she call it: her vulva. But more than her own pleasure, she wanted Selena to be happy.

  “May I?” Cade rested her hand on the dark hair between Selena’s legs.

  “Oh, god, please,” Selena moaned, guiding Cade’s hand between her legs.

  Cade had never paid attention to the shape and size of a woman’s vulva. Now she traced every swollen fold of Selena’s labia. She wanted to know everything about her. She dipped her finger into Selena’s body. She circled her clit. Selena groaned, and the sound made Cade’s body throb with a kind of hunger she’d never felt before.

  “It’s been so long since someone touched me,” Selena whispered. “It feels so good.”

  Selena was so responsive, it wasn’t hard to figure out what blend of touches worked for her, and when she was close, Selena clasped Cade’s hand to her body, moving Cade’s fingers in a fast, hard rhythm, whispering, “Yes, yes, yes, yes,” until she went mute. She clutched Cade’s shoulders. Her eyes squeezed shut. The whole beautiful length of her body arched. Then she fell back to the futon and pulled Cade to her. Cade lay half on her, half beside her, holding Selena tightly.

  “That was so good.” Selena pressed her face against Cade’s shoulder. “And I needed it to be you.”

  Cade would have been happy to have Selena fall asleep in her arms, but after they had relaxed together, Selena rose up on one elbow and kissed Cade’s stomach.

  Selena’s eyes twinkled. “I’ve wanted you since the first time I saw you.”

  “At my aunt’s funeral?”

  “I know it’s wrong.”

  “If only I’d known.”

  “Is that a yes?”

  Selena brushed her hand over the hair between Cade’s legs.

  Cade closed her eyes.

  “Yes.”

  Selena kissed down Cade’s belly and down her thighs. Then she parted Cade’s legs a little bit more. Cade felt the whisper of Selena’s breath on her.

  “Yes?” Selena whispered.

  Cade’s “yes” came out in a cry that held in it all her lonely nights, all her failed attempts with one toy or another, all the swelling love she felt for Selena.

  “Please,” Cade murmured.

  With that, Selena swept her tongue from Cade’s opening to her clit.

  “Oh,” Cade gasped.

  Selena lingered there, her tongue pressed lightly against Cade’s clit. It felt like the universe expanding and the sun coming up and the best massage ever, and every breath Cade exhaled was a yes. Selena ran her fingers through Cade’s pubic hair. Selena caressed her with her lips and tongue and chin and nose. She massaged Cade’s thighs, and the pressure amplified the pleasure of her kiss.

  “You can tell me how you like it.”

  Cade trembled. She felt like a coiled spring. She couldn’t speak.

  “That’s okay,” Selena said. “How about this?”

  Cade managed, “Yes.”

  “And this?”

  Everything felt good.

  Cade was climbing higher and higher. She clutched the futon. Her thoughts were a jumble of Don’t stop! and I can’t take it. People did this all the time. They got here, and then they went over the edge, and it was nothing surprising, but Cade didn’t know what to do with the feelings in her heart or the feelings in her body. She couldn’t bear it if Selena took her higher and there was no release. She’d explode. She’d cry.

  “I’ve never had an orgasm,” Cade blurted out.

  The part of her brain that could still form thoughts half expected Selena to sit up, wipe her lips, and say, How
is that possible?

  Instead, Selena whispered, “You don’t have to.”

  Then she placed her hands on Cade’s thighs and held her down. She slowed her kisses, circling Cade’s clit without stopping or changing her stroke. Around and around. The room disappeared. All Cade knew was the exquisite pleasure of Selena’s mouth. Then from nowhere and everywhere at the same time a wave of pleasure broke over her, and Cade Elgin learned what she had been missing.

  Cade woke slowly after the best night’s sleep she’d ever had. She opened her eyes. Sunlight filtered through the cabin window. She was swimming in a sea of blankets. Selena watched her, propped up on her elbow.

  “Hello, gorgeous,” Selena said.

  Cade couldn’t believe this was her life.

  “I had a wonderful time with you last night,” Selena added.

  “I had a wonderful time with you.”

  Wonderful did not begin to cover it.

  Selena lay down. Cade put her arm around her. Selena rested her head on Cade’s chest, trailing her fingers over Cade’s hipbone and down her thigh.

  “Are you happy?” Selena asked.

  “Yes.”

  A thousand times yes.

  “Are you happy you broke your vow?” Cade asked.

  “I didn’t break it,” Selena said thoughtfully. “I decided it was finished. And you were worth waiting for.” Selena snuggled closer. “God, you were worth it.”

  Cade chuckled. “I thought I’d be a huge disappointment.”

  Selena lifted her head for a moment. “How is that possible?”

  Cade hadn’t meant to cry out I’ve never had an orgasm. That was not how you shared that bit of information with a lover. But she was glad Selena’s kisses had undone her. Now words came easily.

  “I haven’t had a lot of sex,” Cade said.

  “I didn’t notice.” Selena took Cade’s hand and drew it to her lips and kissed her fingertips.

  “I’ve only had sex six times.” It didn’t sound so bad now. Maybe she’d been waiting for Selena all these years.

  “Did you just not want to? There’s nothing wrong with that,” Selena said.

  “No. I wanted a girlfriend. I had one in high school. Then in college I was back and forth so much between school and the gallery. I didn’t have time to date. Then I took over managing the gallery full-time, and then…it started to feel like it was too late.”

  Selena kissed Cade’s palm. “Who got to be your six times? And you don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to.”

  Cade wanted to tell Selena everything.

  “There were three people. My girlfriend in high school,” Cade said. “We slept together four times, and it was probably awful, but I was in love with her, so I didn’t notice. Then a girl from the UMass crew team on a pile of boat covers. And an art purchaser who literally kicked me out of bed because she said I sucked…not like that. Or like that in the wrong way. She said I fucked like a virgin.”

  “That’s terrible. If she said you didn’t know what you were doing, she didn’t know how to ask for what she wanted.”

  “I thought I should tell you all that before, but I didn’t know how.”

  It felt so easy now. How had she ever thought that Selena would judge her? Maybe she was just judging herself.

  “So last night was number seven,” Selena said.

  “And my first orgasm.”

  “With another person.”

  “Ever.”

  Cade could feel Selena’s smile as Selena kissed her breast.

  “I am not supposed to be proud,” Selena said, her voice glowing with pride. “You’re not my accomplishment. But I’m glad I was there.” She relaxed against Cade, their bodies melting together. After a moment, she added. “I’d have been so jealous if it was anyone else.”

  And Cade’s heart filled with so much happiness, she felt like she might grow wings and fly.

  Chapter 27

  Selena could have lain in bed with Cade all day. All week. All year. Their bodies fit together perfectly, and cuddling and talking was as sweet as making love, although Selena’s body ached for the next time and the next time and the next time. There were so many things she wanted to do with Cade, things she wanted to show her and ask her for. She wanted to learn everything about Cade’s body, and she wanted to watch Cade discover her own pleasure. Six times. Seven now. What an honor to be with someone on that journey, and not just someone: Cade. But that did not change the fact that the building appraiser was coming at three. It was noon, and they were still naked.

  Reluctantly, Selena said, “Do we have to get up?”

  “We should stay here forever,” Cade said.

  They both knew they couldn’t. That truth hung in the air for a moment.

  “Should we look at that room?” Cade asked.

  Selena didn’t want to open a room full of Ruth’s mementos. She didn’t want to think about death or foreclosures or all the reasons that soon Cade would be back in New York. But they had to.

  “Okay,” she said. “I’ll probably cry.”

  “I’ve got you,” Cade said, drawing Selena to her.

  They lay in each other’s arms for a moment longer, then rose and dressed. They found the key in a bowl of keys in the kitchen cupboard. Cade opened the door, and a draft rushed out. Selena peeked in. She expected boxes of photos and souvenirs from Ruth’s travels. Cade switched on the light. Selena covered her mouth and stepped back, knocking into Cade.

  “Oh,” Selena whispered.

  The room was full of her paintings. Beautiful Adrien hung on one wall, smiling seductively. Becket glared at her from a stack by the window. There were portraits of strangers too—Man Dancing on Burnside, Trans Girl with Cherry Blossoms. She’d forgotten how many she had painted. And Ruth had saved them. Selena had carried those paintings out to Ruth’s patio. She’d lit the firepit. And at the last minute, Ruth said, Let me do it. You shouldn’t have to see it. Of course Ruth hadn’t burned them. Ruth would never destroy something Selena had worked so hard to create. Tears welled up in Selena’s eyes.

  Thank you.

  Memories of the paintings flooded back. She could feel the wind on Burnside Bridge. She remembered the day she painted Becket and how they’d talked about God. She saw an ancient drag queen whose aggressive eyelashes and wide, Carol Burnett lips said fuck you to all the death and oppression she’d seen. She could remember every stroke, every challenging line, every time she got it right.

  Selena could tell Cade was waiting for her to speak, but she couldn’t find the words. She took a step into the room.

  “I know they’re yours,” Cade said quietly.

  Selena was still staring at her work.

  “Did Becket tell you?”

  “No.”

  “Then how?”

  “This is the best portraiture I’ve ever seen,” Cade said. “And when work is that good, you can see the artist’s soul.”

  Selena opened her mouth to deflect the compliment. They’re not. You’re just saying that because you like me. But she turned to speak to Cade, and the look in Cade’s eyes stopped her.

  “I don’t paint anymore,” Selena said quietly, “but when I did, I was good.”

  “What happened?”

  She was a fuck-up. That’s what she’d always told herself. But suddenly she saw herself from the outside, as though she were sitting for her portrait. She wasn’t a fuck-up.

  “I got scared.”

  Cade came up behind her and put her arms around her.

  “I bounced around when I got to Portland,” Selena said, “but I knew I wanted to go to art school. My dad loved to paint. He got me into it. When my mom split when I was five, she just dropped me off with my dad and told him she was moving to Santa Fe. They’re not the kind of people who get attorneys, so he just said, Okay, what does she eat? Most of my dad’s art was drawing eagles and skulls for his tattoo shop, but in the evening, he’d take his watercolors onto the porch and paint the desert.”

/>   Cade held her tighter. Selena felt the comfort of Cade’s touch throughout her whole body.

  “I must have been upset about her leaving,” Selena said, “but I don’t remember it. I just remember my dad taking out his watercolors and us sitting on the porch. He never gave me kids’ paints, always his own artist grade.”

  Selena stepped out of Cade’s embrace and moved aside a small painting to reveal a larger one.

  “This is my dad.”

  She examined the painting. There he was, laughing his gruff laugh. Next to him, his best friend, Chet, sat with hands on his beer belly and the rangeland in his eyes. She turned around.

  “Finally, I got up the courage to go to school…and figured out how to go to school. No one in my family’s ever gone to college. Then I met Alex. Professor Alex Sarta.” The name didn’t make her tremble. “She was a dragon to her other students. People took semesters off so they could get out of her classes, but when I started, she loved my stuff. She told everyone I was a genius, and then she wanted to be my advisor. And then one night I was at her house, having dinner with her and her husband. She invited me upstairs to look at something, and we had sex, standing up against the bathroom wall.”

  “You deserve more,” Cade said, her eyes full of sympathy.

  “I liked it. I was proud.” Selena shrugged. “Professor Sarta liked me. But it didn’t last. Becket says Alex couldn’t be me, so she wanted to own me. I don’t know. She started to say my work was derivative.”

  “Of what?” Cade frowned. “The grand masters of the sixteenth century and everything we’ve learned from modernism?”

  Selena picked up another piece. It felt strange to hold her work again. Strange and wonderful.

  “It is good, isn’t it?” How had she not seen it? Forget modesty. If this was someone else’s work, she’d say it was pure brilliance. “I thought I was in love with Alex. And I thought if I was good enough, if I painted a true masterpiece, she’d leave her husband.”

  “And she did,” Cade said with a shrug. “You are that good.”

  Selena laughed, walked across the room, and tucked herself back into Cade’s arms.

  “When she dumped me, she did it in her office. We were coming out of class and she actually said, Ms. Mathis, can I see you in my office for a sec? She told me I had no discipline as a painter. She said some people paint a few good things right at first, but they don’t have anything after that. I shouldn’t keep trying at something I’d never do.” Selena felt herself getting teary, but it felt good to find the words to sum it all up, get out all the hurt and bitterness and let it go. “And she couldn’t be with someone like that. She definitely wouldn’t leave her husband for me.”