Locked Out of Heaven

by Shirley Benton

  “So, are you ready?” Willie said to me in the porch of the church a few minutes later.

  Annie had arrived and was fluffing the back of my dress to make herself look useful.

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  “I feel like I should say something really deep now,” Willie said.

  “The Pacific,” I said. “There. I’ve said it for both of us. Annie, get in front there and start walking.”

  The organist started to play the second Annie was in sight. As Willie and I made a move, I couldn’t help but notice how embarrassingly empty the left-hand side of the church was. Terry had invited everyone from fifth cousins thrice removed to the man who ran his local chip shop, but I’d struggled to find people I actually wanted to invite. I had the obligatory family members who I couldn’t stand and a few people from college, but my numbers didn’t top twenty, while Terry’s were in the hundreds.

  I scanned the few heads on the left in a fraction of a second and realised that Sammy wasn’t there, not that that was a surprise. A pang of pain hit me as I realised that I was going to have to come to terms with the loss of her friendship after this, Diary – the best friendship I’d ever had.

  Worryingly, there was no sign of Cliff, either. He had of course planned to come to the wedding with Sammy, but even if she was boycotting it, I’d prayed that he wouldn’t. Yes, he was against Terry from the start and yes, he was going to think I was the biggest whore in the world to sleep with Damo and then go ahead and marry Terry anyway, but I was still his sister and after everything our family had been through, surely he’d still stick by me? Besides, if he knew me at all, he should know that Susie would have something to do with it . . . but if the empty seats on my side of the church were any indication, maybe he didn’t.

  I reached the top of the aisle all too soon. I refused to unlink Willie’s arm for a few seconds, dreading the moment where I’d have to meet Terry’s eye. Eventually, Willie prised my fingers away from his arm as subtly as was possible to do in a church full of people determined to catch every second of what you’re doing and pretty much pushed me in Terry’s direction.

  When I eventually looked up and smiled at Terry, he looked so pleased with himself and as proud as punch, so much so that I almost threw up. What an absolute shambles of a situation. Terry was a good person. He deserved more than sharing all he had to offer with someone who didn’t fully appreciate him.

  I spent the entire ceremony trying to pluck up the courage to make a run for it. I missed every cue when I was supposed to say something. Everyone tittered indulgently whenever I fucked up and probably just put it down to nerves, but even in my self-obsessed state, I noticed Terry was looking anxious. Jaysus, Diary, I can’t put into words how awful it was to feel so frozen. The helplessness of it was unbearable.

  I turned round and looked at Susie just before the vows, pleading with my eyes, but the look she gave me struck such fear into my soul that I instantly whipped my head round. I despised myself for being so weak and wished I could find the courage to run down the aisle and never look back, but I just couldn’t summon it. Then I heard a commotion at the back of the church and turned round again. It was Cliff, who’d come in with Sammy. Susie got up out of her seat and made a run for it down the aisle. Of course, everyone in the place cottoned on to potential drama and collectively craned their necks to see what was going on.

  I’d never considered myself to be selfish up until that moment, but as soon as Sammy walked in, I hoped and prayed she’d do something to stop the wedding. I fully understood how humiliating it would be for Terry, a man who’d been nothing but good to me from the day he’d met me, but I still prayed for something to happen that would get me out of this situation and change the course of my future. All it would take would be one roar out of her to stop this whole charade, but Susie was too fast.

  Before Sammy could say a word, Susie had Sammy out of the door. God only knew what Susie was going to say to her and even though Sammy was fiery, I knew she didn’t stand a chance against Mum. That only left Damo. Was he here? Had he come with Cliff and Sammy? If Sammy knew the wedding was still on, then Damo certainly knew. Would he even try to stop it, or had I hurt him so much by going ahead with this that he wouldn’t even show up?

  “Holly?”

  Terry’s voice sounded as if it were a million miles away. I looked at him slowly. He narrowed his eyes and flicked them in the priest’s direction. Father O’Connell looked back at me disapprovingly. I tried to pull myself back to the moment. The gospel reading had just been done, so that must mean that it was time to do the rite of marriage.

  “Holly and Terry, you have come to this church so that the Lord may seal your love in the presence of the priest and this community . . .”

  He probably hadn’t shown up. Why would he?

  “Holly and Terry, you are about to celebrate this sacrament. Have you come here of your own free will and choice without compulsion to marry each other?”

  “We have,” we both said, Terry more emphatically than I.

  If I were Damo, though, I would have shown up. After the night we’d just had together, I wouldn’t have been able to believe that something like this would happen unless I’d seen it with my own two eyes. Oh, God. He probably was here – that was all I could think, Diary. Susie was probably fighting with him outside the church this very second.

  I mumbled a few more vows with Terry, then it was time for the declaration of consent to marry. My entire body started to tremble so much that I could barely stand.

  “Are you okay?” Terry placed a hand on my back to steady me.

  His touch burned right through my dress and I had to force myself not to shake him off.

  I couldn’t answer him. I looked round, wondering if Susie had somehow crept in quietly. There was no sign of her. For a split second, I seriously considered running again. Then I looked back at Terry, who was staring at me with concern riddling his face, and I just knew I couldn’t do it to him.

  The priest gave us a pointed look and invited us to declare our consent to become husband and wife.

  I was sure I could hear some raised voices outside.

  The ceremony continued and Terry said, “I do.”

  All too soon, it was my turn. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me even more keenly than they would have been in the normal course of a normal wedding. Mortification flooded me for the show I was making of Terry in front of everyone he knew. He didn’t deserve this. And then, just as the priest asked me if I took Terry as my lawful wedded husband, I heard the church door open.

  I looked round and saw Mum, her jaw set in steel. The look she gave me was so forbidding that I knew I had absolutely no choice in what was about to happen. I looked at Terry’s worried face, then straight into the priest’s eyes.

  “I do.”

  Terry and I walked back down the aisle amid a sea of confused-looking faces and an air of tension. I knew everyone could see through the wan smile I’d tried to plaster on my face and nobody was buying that my behaviour was only down to nervousness. I was sure I heard someone on Terry’s side of the church saying this was better than the Coronation Street Christmas Day special any day.

  As we stood in the porch to greet everyone as they walked out, I willed each second to go by faster. Of course, as soon as that ordeal was over, we had to go through the whole photo rigmarole. There were photos taken with our parents, our parents and Terry’s parents’ parents, Terry’s parents and their neighbours, our parents and the bridal party, and every one of Terry’s relatives individually. Thankfully, my cousin had gone AWOL, probably gossiping with someone and speculating on what exactly had gone on during the wedding, so that was one less photo to endure. But just when I thought it was over, someone suggested a photo with Hawaii. She smiled slyly and knowingly while the camera clicked. I thought it would never end.

  And then, when the photo session finally concluded and we were about to make our escape, I saw him. Damo was leaning up against a wall out
side the church, watching me. His face said a thousand words. I just stared back. There were no words. None.

  “Holly, come on.” Terry took my elbow and led me to Dad’s car, the edge in his tone unmistakable.

  Terry knew, Diary, but it was too late.

  Chapter 49

  With all the furtive discussions and full-blown arguments going on in the house over the rest of the Christmas holidays, it wasn’t long before Hayley had to be told about Susie’s illness. As soon as she knew, Terry knew. A couple of hours after we told Hayley, Terry arrived at the front door with a huge bag of shopping.

  “Terry, come on in. You’re very welcome.” Susie ushered Terry into the sitting room.

  He nodded at Willie and me then handed the bag of shopping to Susie.

  “There was no need to bring over any groceries,” Susie said, taking a packet of Viscounts out and unwrapping one as she spoke.

  “It’s no problem. Are the kids in the garden?”

  I nodded.

  Terry sat down. “Hayley told me about your illness, Susie. I’m very sorry. What happens from here?”

  Through a mouthful of Viscount, Susie told Terry how advanced her condition was and that she wouldn’t be taking treatment. Although I’d been sickened to see him walk in, I was suddenly glad he was here. He might be able to talk sense into her – we all knew how much she listened to him. I waited for Terry to tell her she had to give it a go.

  Terry shrugged when Susie finished speaking.

  “I understand where you’re coming from, Susie. Chemo would be a rough road.”

  “What?” I jumped to my feet. “Terry, she at least needs to try!”

  “It’s her decision, Holly.”

  “Thank you!” Susie threw her hands in the air. “At last, somebody who’s willing to listen to me. Are you two taking notes? This is my illness and I’ll deal with it in my way. The sooner you two accept that, the better.”

  I got up and ran out of the room. I checked the kids in the garden, asked Hayley to keep an eye on them and walked down the road. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Susie could die and she wasn’t even willing to try to save herself. It was as if she wanted to die.

  I stopped and sat on a neighbour’s wall. A few minutes later, I saw Terry approaching.

  “I know this must be hard for you to accept, Holly,” he said as he got closer.

  I stared straight ahead.

  “Holly, talk to me. I want to help you. Look at me.”

  I sighed. Another problem to deal with.

  “Go away, Terry. Just go.”

  Terry stood into my line of vision. Fury overtook me.

  “What makes you think you have the right to come round here getting involved?”

  “You’re my family, Holly. All of you. As for you, you have to accept this. If Susie doesn’t want to have treatment, that’s her choice. You shouldn’t pressure her into it.”

  “You shouldn’t encourage her to sign her own death warrant, but that’s not stopping you!”

  I took deep breaths and stared straight ahead again.

  “So what are you going to do?”

  “Reverse psychology, I suppose. Say nothing for a few days and see if she comes to her senses about the treatment herself. The more I try to talk her into it, the more stubborn she’ll get.”

  “No, I mean about your living arrangements. Obviously, you and the kids can’t stay living with Susie and Willie. If she doesn’t get the treatment, she’s going to start going downhill fast and she won’t be able for the lifestyle that comes with having her daughter and her grandchildren living with her. And in the unlikely event that she gets the treatment, she’ll need a lot of recovery time and a quiet environment to return home to. Either way, you can’t stay living here.”

  I wanted to argue with him, but he’d touched on something I’d realised when the bad news had sunk in but had parked in my brain as something to deal with later.

  “I’m going back inside. I suggest you go home, Terry.”

  He grabbed my arm. “Move in with me. I have two bedrooms. You and Oran can sleep in my room and we’ll get bunk beds for the girls. I’ll sleep on the couch until we sort things out between us, which will be a lot easier to do if we’re living in the same house.

  “You’ve handled things badly, but I still love you and I’m still willing to do what needs to be done to sort us out. And if you won’t come back to me for our sakes, do it for the kids. Okay, things aren’t ideal, but think of all those other couples who stay together despite their circumstances. Did you ever consider that it might be selfish of you to insist on trying to sort everything out yourself and be independent? It’s not really working out well for you, is it?”

  “God, Terry. This is a new low, even for you – using my mother’s cancer to get what you want? I hate you, do you know that? I despise you. I pity you.”

  “You don’t mean that, Holly. I understand you’re angry and take it out on me if it helps—”

  “Oh, shut up! You and your fake concern! I can’t believe you’re cosying up to my mother after what you’ve done. You don’t care about any of us.”

  And suddenly, I was right back there in my big house, watching my life fall apart in front of me.

  The rich-looking blonde walks in. Terry goes to retrieve a briefcase. Terry places the briefcase on our occasional table and sits down while the blonde takes a seat opposite him. Oran’s face contorts in pain, his distress intensifying at the failure of anybody to pick him up. Terry opens the suitcase and removes bags, which he lays on the table.

  A discussion ensues between Terry and the blonde. Terry opens one of the bags and rubs its contents into his gums. Terry takes the blonde’s hand and dips one of her fingers into the bag, but only very lightly and quickly. She puts her finger in her mouth. Terry glances at Oran in obvious annoyance as he continues to cry. My precious son, an inconvenience to his drug dealing.

  The blonde must like what she’s tried, because a transaction takes place. Her eyes flicker towards my son, too, and a look of disdain is evident on her face, her obvious dislike of having my son’s distress impinging on her day mirroring Terry’s impatience of him. She leaves with her stash and when Terry returns, he starts to pack his goods back into the briefcase.

  His eyes flicker towards Oran and he stops his work. He gets up, moves towards him and stands beside him for several seconds, then throws himself back on his seat and claws at the briefcase until it’s open. He takes out a bag, spills some on the table then takes out a note and a bank card from his wallet. He doesn’t even glance at Oran as he shapes the drugs into a line and hoovers it up his nose through the note. He then sits back, a faraway look on his face.

  And Oran continues to cry.

  “You knew my feelings about drugs. You, of all people, know how they destroyed me and my family. How can you sit there and talk about loving me?”

  And then I was slapping him, showering him with blows to his arms, his chest, his face. He just stood there and took it.

  Afterwards, I staggered back down the road towards Susie and Willie’s house, my legs shaking. Terry followed.

  “I swear to you that I did it all for you and the kids, Holly. Believe me, if there had been any other way . . .”

  It was laughable.

  “How about honesty as an option, Terry? You should have known I’d have supported you no matter what – before I found out what type of person you really are, of course. Or if that’s too much for you to handle, here’s a simpler solution: downsizing. We both grew up in shoeboxes and lived to tell the tale. Don’t you dare try to twist this so that I’m to blame for the choice you made!”

  “Who are you fooling? Do you actually think a shoebox was going to be enough for you? I haven’t forgotten everything you told me about how much you hated your life here.”

  “I hated Blackbeg, not the fact that I grew up in a small house. Maybe you’re the one with the small-house complex.”

  “I wouldn’t ha
ve cared where I was as long as I was with you.”

  That wasn’t even worth acknowledging.

  “You take drugs yourself. I saw you.”

  “I just have to test the stock sometimes.”

  “After the addict – sorry, the rich middle-class Sorrento Hill client – has gone? While you’re minding our children? I saw it all. Was that why you slept in the spare room when you came in from work late, because you’d been taking stuff and didn’t want me to notice?”

  “I didn’t take it often, I swear, and I don’t take it at all now—”

  “Do you think I actually believe that?”

  “Considering you’ve been insisting on supervised visits at Susie and Willie’s house, I know you don’t, but you’re wrong. You have to believe me.”

  “Why would I? I wish to God I could go away somewhere with the kids – start over and never have to see you again.”

  “If you ever go anywhere, Holly, I’ll find you. Remember that. I’d have a private investigator after you and know where you are a few hours after you’d left.”

  As if I was in a position to go anywhere! It was laughable.

  Still, I couldn’t resist saying, “Private investigators don’t come cheap. You seem to be forgetting you squandered all of our money.”

  “I’d get the money somewhere.”

  “Oh, just get out of here, Terry. And don’t come back.”

  He went reluctantly, amid talk of working things out, giving it time and other nonsense that meant nothing.

  Whatever happened, Susie couldn’t find out. That much was certain. The effect would be slow at first – she’d internalise the damage, as she always did, but little by little she’d start fading away. It seemed like only the Viscounts were keeping her alive as it was. Knowing that her precious son-in-law not only took drugs, but was also a drug dealer – that he’d been dealing drugs with her grandson in the room beside him – would kill her.

  And the saddest thing of all was that that wasn’t even the worst of it. I just didn’t know it at the time.