Trusting Again

by Lo'Ren A Mayler

  “Nikki why…” Mia asked. Her agitation showing not only on her face but in her tone of voice.

  “Let me finish,” Nikki steadied herself again. Rushing to finish her thoughts before Mia could get upset again, “Mason was more than happy to relinquish it. I then spoke with Richard. He agreed to make the change. All of the coaching staff confirmed my thoughts, that you were, are, the best candidate. I’m assuming he will be speaking with you soon.”

  Mia didn’t know what to say. Nikki clearly went to a lot of trouble today to help her.

  “Just like that?”

  “Yes. Actually, Richard wasn’t surprised by the request. In fact, he assumed I would want you back from the beginning.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Nikki thought Mia would be happy with the news, but her face told another story. She wasn’t upset or angry, possibly confused. Like she didn’t know what to say or ask. Simply caught in a fog that showed no way out.

  “Mia, he knows you’re more than willing to dedicate yourself to the wellbeing of the students and you will push more than anyone else to help them. You give your time, attention and patience. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, half the battle is staying in the moment and remaining calm enough to listen. Somedays I know you could just slap someone upside the head, just so they will get the point…like me. You find enough time for everyone. I’ve seen how you care. I can’t imagine how hard it is to keep a straight face when all you want to do is laugh or scream. You make the job seem as easy as breathing.”

  Mia fought the blush that threatened. Nikki’s attention and scrutiny were not something she expected. She didn’t know that Nikki had been watching her. She was right though. Everyday presented a new challenge. She hadn’t noticed lately as she was so focused on keeping the wall up between herself and Nikki.

  Suddenly it hit her between the eyes. A glaring miss step caused warning bells to sound in her mind. There was a hole in the story, something off about Nikki’s description of today’s events.

  “If everyone agreed with you, why was it a bad day?”

  Nikki didn’t seem shocked by the question, however, the shift in topic added weight to her shoulders. The ever present confidence sagged. Mia watched a stream of emotions cross Nikki’s face, the most prominent being pain and betrayal. There was almost a purple tint as the waves in her eyes swirled in a calm storm.

  “I had a talk with Sam today as well.”

  Nikki took a long slow drag of her beer.

  “What did you talk about?” Mia asked cautiously as she ran her fingers along the couch. She knew she was fidgeting, but Mia needed to let the nerves out in some way. Seeing Nikki this way made her ill at ease.

  “I told her that she had to stop hitting on me and telling people that we are an item. I accepted her flirting as a part of her character. I had no idea she would go this far.”

  Mia’s heart skipped a beat.

  “How did she take it?”

  “Well, first she thought I was asking her out and got all excited. Which made the conversation even more awkward. Then she tried to tell me that she would never spread such rumors. Her flirting was meant to be a joke between friends. She didn’t want to go out with me. How do you get excited and then pretend it never happened? I tried to have a real conversation with her and she lied to my face. How could she just…” Nikki’s hands fell into her lap. Her shoulders drooped even lower, as if the weight she bore had gotten heavier. Mia could see the thoughts running through her head. The frustration she carried just below the surface.

  Nikki almost jumped when Mia’s hand fell upon hers. At some point, unbeknown to Nikki, she had slid closer on the couch. Suddenly the betrayal was wiped from her thoughts, the hurt erased. Mia took over her mind so completely, she had to struggle to find words again.

  “I’m sorry.”

  Mia’s voice was light and soft. Caressing Nikki from the inside. Reaching places in her heart that had never been touched before.

  “I guess I just don’t understand how it got so out of hand. Why didn’t she…I don’t know, talk to me. We work together, every day for years. We were never really friends, but I just don’t understand why she would lie. To you. To me. What kind of person does that?”

  Mia did not try to answer the question and it seemed to hang in the air.

  “How long has this been going on?” Mia asked.

  “Since I started here. She always flirted. I thought Sam just liked the attention. There was always that girl that flirted with all the jocks in school, you know. I thought it was like that.”

  “What made you finally confront her about it?”

  Nikki looked into Mia’s eyes knowing exactly what had changed, gotten the fire under her, “You.”

  Mia’s hand went to her chest in disbelief, “Me? What do I have to do with it?”

  “Mia, I knew if there was ever to be a chance for us, I would need to make sure that Sam couldn’t intervene. I want you to be able to trust me. I don’t want her to be a factor anymore. And after what you told me, that Sam told you we were together… I knew enough was enough.”

  For the second time in one night Mia was wordless, there were no words to describe her feelings. No possible way of letting Nikki know what was running through her mind. Nikki took her breath away, made her feel like she was the only woman within a million miles. The look in her eyes made Mia believe no one else existed. It was more significant than that, she jeopardized her personal and professional relationships for her. It was as if the further she pushed Nikki, the closer she got. Seeing Nikki filled with pain, Mia knew she was telling the truth. She could feel it. She scooted up to Nikki until their thighs were touching. Mia stared into the crystal clear blue eyes as the storm subsided.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you so much trouble.”

  “It’s my fault. The Sam situation wouldn’t have gotten so out of control if I had just stopped her to begin with.”

  Mia leaned into Nikki and kissed her. Unlike the truck, this kiss was soft and slow. Mia’s hands ran through Nikki’s shaggy hair. She was forgetting all the reasons she did not want to get involved with Nikki. The school didn’t exist, neither did Sam. All that mattered in this moment, was the thoughtful woman sitting before her.

  Nikki broke the contact, “Mia are you sure? We don’t have to…”

  “Shhh.”

  Mia pulled Nikki back to her. When their lips touched again, Shantel’s face flashed in her mind. Mia jerked back and looked at Nikki through frightened eyes. You can’t get involved again. You can’t care. You can’t have attachments. How could you forget for even a moment?

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t know why… ”

  Mia got up and walked into the kitchen.

  “Mia what’s wrong? Why are you sorry?”

  Mia returned from the kitchen with a new drink, now half empty. She stood just inside the living room, staring at the wall. Nikki followed her gaze to the pictures.

  “Do you want to talk about it, about her? Maybe it will help.”

  “It won’t.”

  Gone was the sweet, soft melody of Mia’s voice. It had been replaced by the gruffness life often caused. Nikki got up and went to stand next to Mia. The hair on her arms stood on end from Mia’s proximity. She wanted to reach out and take Mia into her arms. Nikki forcibly restrained herself by shoving her hands into her back pockets. What she needed didn’t matter, Mia’s pain took precedence over all else. She was visibly aching from the loss.

  “Sometimes talking can be a good thing. Maybe help you deal with the pain… and the guilt.”

  Nikki held her breath, waiting for Mia to explode.

  Instead she just stared, completely taken aback. She had never told anyone about the guilt, because she knew they could never understand. How could she possibly know or comprehend how I feel?

  “Mia I know it. I can see it in your eyes. Every time we get close, you pull away. What I don’t know is why. W
hat is eating at you?”

  Taking Mia’s hand, Nikki soothed it with her thumb. Trying to draw her out. Hoping against hope that Mia would confide in her.

  “I don’t see how this can help. I have talked to people about it. Friends, family and a counselor, no one understood.”

  Nikki lifted Mia’s chin, staring deep into her eyes. Trying to relay with her mind that she was safe. You can trust me. I’m here. Let me help.

  “I’m glad you tried to talk to someone, but maybe it was too soon. You can trust me Mia. Let me be here for you, let me in. You can’t bare this alone. Whatever it is.”

  Mia debated a minute, she knew Nikki would never stop asking. It was either bare the truth now or deal with Nikki probing her repeatedly for as long as she was in Greenville.

  “Maybe you should sit down.”

  Finishing her beer in one large gulp, Mia followed Nikki to the sofa. Once she started recanting last year’s events, she was sure her legs would no longer hold her. I must be crazy to willingly recant that day. Why would I put myself through so much pain? What could possibly be gained by it? Staring at Nikki, Mia did not want to contemplate the answer.

  “I had been helping Shantel for two years. Even though she was in High School, she frequently came back to see me. We would discuss her home life, mostly her parents. They were pretty messed up. Her dad was a drunk and would take all of life’s problems out on her mother. The mother was usually so doped up, I’m not sure she even knew what was happening. I think it was a coping mechanism, the only way she knew how to handle him being drunk. Anyway, Shantel had gotten a job at the local supermarket. She would use the money to make sure there was food in the house and clothes on her back. Of course it didn’t cover everything, but she understood something was always better than nothing. Plus she got a discount at the store, so the money went a little further. Between school and work she wasn’t home much to listen to the fighting. Unfortunately, the arguing was always worse during the night. That was usually when the alcohol caught up with her father or when he got home from the bar. I spoke with her a few times about living with another relative. I didn’t want her staying in a bad environment. I was nervous that one day her father would start to beat her too, but she didn’t want to leave her brother. If I reported to child protective services, they could be split up or everyone would play nice while DHS was there. There was always the concern that when child services showed up at an “inconvenient” time, you could ask them to return later. Just pretend you were on your way out the door. Then the parents might abuse the student for getting DHS involved. It was a lose - lose situation.”

  Technically there was no physical abuse to the students, but Mia could see the mental repercussions. Whether it be from neglect or from verbal abuse. Even something as simple as Shantel thinking this is acceptable behavior. Mia would hate for the cycle to continue. For Shantel to allow anyone to treat her the same way.

  “Tyrese was younger than her. She did everything for him. As far as I know her parents had been this way since before Shantel was born. She never spoke of a time when things were better. She had started taking care of her brother as soon as he was born. She changed his diapers and fed him. She would have only been about three or four when he was born, but she had always looked after him. She was more like his mother. Shantel wanted to be better for him. She was determined to go to college. She was going to work hard, get a good job and rescue him. That was the plan. I would have done anything to help her succeed. To see Shantel attain such a beautiful goal. She had such a good soul and a caring heart. All she could think about was making a better life for him,”

  Mia stopped to collect herself. It was visible that she was struggling to find the words. Her throat sounded tight. Her hands were shaking slightly.

  “So one day, Shantel was on her way home from work. She was almost there when she heard a loud bang, then another. There were drive-bys all the time, it wasn’t unusual. She knew the sound well. Shantel ran the rest of the way home, just to be sure, to check that Tyrese was safe. When she got there, he was lying on the sidewalk with blood pouring from his chest.”

  “Tyrese was only twelve. He had been playing in front of the house when the shooting occurred. I saw a picture in the paper Monday morning. Who would do that? Take a picture instead of calling for help?”

  Mia stopped talking and looked as if she was lost. Searching her mind for the millionth time, asking for answers that would never come.

  “What was the picture of?” Nikki asked wanting Mia to continue.

  “You could see Tyrese lying in Shantel’s arms. The basketball he was dribbling rolled under a parked car and …”

  Nikki held Mia’s hand tightly and ran the other hand along her back in, what Nikki hoped was, a soothing motion.

  “Mia I’m so sorry.”

  Mia couldn’t feel the hands or hear Nikki’s comforting words. She wasn’t on the couch, or in her living room. She was there, watching from somewhere just out of reach. Always out of reach.

  “I didn’t find out about the shooting until Monday. My girlfriend had surprised me with a weekend away. I wasn’t there for Shantel. While I was off at a B&B, she was worried about burying her little brother.”

  “Mia you couldn’t have known this would happen.”

  Mia held up her hand stopping Nikki.

  “As it was a surprise, I did not have time to pack and forgot my cellphone. When I got back, I had twenty missed calls. Shantel had tried to reach out, but I wasn’t there. So she did the only thing she knew to do.”

  Mia had tears streaming down her face. She was staring at the palm of her hands. She could still hear the pleading voicemails, begging her to call back. Still hear Shantel sobbing into the phone. Her heart broke into a million pieces every time. She never deleted the voicemails and listened to them often, a constant reminder. As much as it pained her, they also were the only piece of Shantel she had left. She refused to let go or forget.

  “Shantel joined a rival gang to avenge her brother’s death. They were more than happy to have her. Of course they were, they raped and beat her.”

  Nikki tried to still Mia’s hands. The more she spoke, the more they shook.

  “Everyone knew this was how women got into a gang, but she did it anyway. Why would she subject herself to such torture? Why couldn’t she just wait to talk to me? Why couldn’t I be there to help?”

  Mia seemed to get off track, lost in the what ifs. The zillions of questions that had zoomed through her mind in the months following the incident.

  “She was too lost in her anger, in the grief. Too blind to see this wasn’t the answer.”

  “Mia I had no idea,” Nikki started, but Mia stopped her from uttering another word. Nikki knew there was more that Mia wasn’t sharing. She was only telling a story, not sharing her thoughts and feelings.

  “Please just let me finish. I don’t think I can do this again.”

  Nikki tilted her head slightly. She had thought that was the end of the story. How could there possibly more? Mia had said kids in gangs made the wall…

  “Shantel died during initiation.”

  “Oh Mia,” Nikki tried to hold her, but Mia wouldn’t allow it. She stayed still as a statue.

  “Please,” she said motioning Nikki to stay where she was.

  Mia took a shaky breath. She had to finish. Get all of it out there, everything.

  “She suffered internal bleeding. Instead of taking her to the hospital when she passed out, those bastards left her in an alley to die.”

  Mia’s voice broke and she finally dissolved into a shaking ball of tears. Nikki wouldn’t tolerate Mia keeping her away any longer. She reached out and enveloped Mia in a tight embrace. Mia’s body shook in violent fits. She finally leaned into Nikki, allowing the strong arms to comfort her.

  “It’s okay. I’m here. I have you,” Nikki said trying to soothe Mia, “I’m so sorry.”

  Nikki just sat rocking Mia, trying to wipe away the pain. She kne
w it was no use, she could never erase the hurt. Never reach far enough into the depths of Mia’s soul to sooth away her sorrow. Nikki did the only thing she could, waited for the tremors to ease and Mia to push her away again.

  Finally Mia was able to stop crying. Embarrassed by her need to be close to Nikki. She sat up and wiped at the tears that streaked across her face. As soon as Nikki was no longer touching her, Mia just wanted to scoot closer and lean her head on Nikki’s shoulder. It had felt so safe in the warm embrace. Breaking the connection to Nikki felt as if it she was adding to the pain, to the burden she was meant to bare.

  “Which one is she?” Nikki asked.

  Mia pointed to the top. There was a picture of a boy and a girl next to each other. Tyrese and Shantel.

  They were so young, innocent looking. Nikki couldn’t imagine the pain Mia was going through. Clearly she put all of the blame for Shantel’s death on herself. That was why she didn’t want any personal attachments. She was scared of losing someone again. Nikki was sure, when Mia got back from her impromptu vacation, she dumped the girlfriend first thing Monday morning. Blamed her as well for making Mia unavailable, for taking her away. Nikki could almost see the fight that followed her listening to Shantel’s messages. The tears and heartache it caused. How long until she found about her death?

  Mia finally spoke, pulling Nikki back from the pictures, “Nikki?” Mia’s voice was weak and strained from crying, “Will you stay with me tonight? I don’t want to be alone. I…”

  The sound of Mia’s voice so full of sorrow broke Nikki’s heart.

  “Of course I’ll stay. I wouldn’t dream of leaving you,” Nikki wiped away a tear on Mia’s cheek with the back of her hand. “Just tell me what you need.”

  How could she tell Nikki what she needed when she didn’t know? Mia couldn’t speak, it hurt too much. It wasn’t just her throat, her chest ached. There was a hollow place somewhere deep that never managed to fill. Somehow Nikki seemed to understand. How could she possibly begin to grasp how I feel when I don’t even know?