Accidental Makeovers

by Carol Maloney Scott

But I know the answer, and I did it, too. As Claire would say, Dr. Mason is the rock star of gynecologists in the Richmond area. Until I had Mick, Planned Parenthood worked fine for me.

  Oh my God, Eric is still on hold.

  “Eric, are you there?”

  “Yes, I’m still here. Is everything all right?”

  “No, not really. My friend’s son ran off and I can’t find him, and I must get her to the hospital, and her husband isn’t answering his fucking phone.”

  “Wow. Okay. Good thing I was in the navy…”

  Shit, now he can add foul-mouthed to my list of bad employee qualities.

  “Bianca, I’m kidding. So how old is this child?”

  I continue to scan the area while responding, “Two-and-a-half. I’m headed to the river now—that’s my biggest fear.”

  “Is there a playground at this park? You know, with swings and monkey bars?”

  That’s what all playgrounds have, but I don’t want to add smartass to the list.

  “Yes, there is one. We hadn’t made it that far before Cassie started…hold on, I’m getting another call.”

  “Bianca, it’s Jon. Are you going to take Cassie to the hospital? And where the hell is Owen? Why didn’t she bring the stroller? I swear that woman is going to kill me!”

  “Calm down. Yes, I’m going to take her. I think I know where Owen is. I’ll call you as soon as we get in the car. Just meet us at the hospital.”

  I should have told him to come here. I still have to corral Cassie, both kids and the stroller in the car. We’re definitely taking Cassie’s minivan.

  “Eric, I’m back. You think he’s at the park? That’s a good idea. I can’t think straight. I promise I am much more level headed when applying eyeliner and foundation.”

  I attempt to lighten the conversation, but my fear is mounting every second I can’t find Owen, and Cassie labors on a park bench with my toddler son for company.

  Eric laughs and says, “I’m sure you are. Don’t panic. I’ll stay on the phone with you while you search. In the meantime, can I tell you why I called?”

  I can picture his smile as I hear the warmth of his voice. He was so reassuring about the job and my ability to handle it. But he’s probably like that with everyone.

  “Sure, please do. But if there’s anything complicated I have to remember, I’ll probably have to call you back. I’m sorry.”

  I spot the playground and my eyes dart around trying to locate the little asshole. This will be a great story for the siblings to share one day. On my birthday, Mom was in labor and this jerk ran off…

  Hopefully it won’t end with…and Mom gave birth to me on the park bench with a red-headed toddler screaming.

  “Please stop apologizing. I wanted to ask if you would have dinner with me on Saturday night. We’d like you to start at the salon on Monday, and I have a number of things to discuss with you to get you up to speed. I’d invite you to my office tomorrow, but my calendar is booked solid.”

  “There he is! Owen!! I’m sorry, Eric. That sounds great. I’m available.”

  I reach Owen, and he kicks and fights me.

  “Listen, kid, your mother is about to pop a baby out in broad daylight. No one wants to see that, least of all me. Now get your little butt over here. Now!!”

  “Wow, I will remember not to cross you, Bianca.”

  Eric is laughing, as I momentarily forget how phones work, and that he was still there while I was yelling at a small child, like a lunatic.

  “I’m so sorry. I know, I should stop apologizing, but this is so embarrassing. Now I’m getting another call. I hope Cassie’s okay. It could also be her husband. I really need to go.”

  I am holding Owen on my hip now, and looking at him with narrowed eyes.

  Hopefully he will forget all of this and forgive Aunt Bianca.

  And hopefully no one has witnessed this scene, or the cops are on their way. To the casual observer, it would appear I’m abducting this little Back Street Boys lookalike.

  “No worries. I’ll give you a call later with the details. We’ll meet at seven, if that’s okay. Someplace downtown. Once I’ve made a reservation, I’ll let you know. And Bianca, I hope your friend is okay.”

  “Thanks, Eric.”

  I breathe heavy from the running, and the stress of delivering this monster back to his mother.

  “Hey, how did you know Owen was at the playground? I’m a mother and I didn’t think of it.”

  “You were in a panic and I wasn’t. Sometimes you need a partner who can see things clearly when you aren’t able to. And I was a little boy at one time, too. I was the monkey bar champion.”

  I smile and say, “Well, you’ll have to tell me all about that on Saturday. Cassie is within view now, so I am going to get everyone to the hospital. Thanks again.”

  “My pleasure.”

  A partner who can help see things clearly? That will be refreshing for a change, even if it’s only a business partnership.

  Eric

  Well, that was a bit intense. I can’t imagine why a woman who is imminently ready to give birth would be walking in the park, but who am I to judge? I have zero experience in that area, and will keep it that way.

  I smile as I replay Bianca’s words, though. She was really laying into that little kid. She’s a feisty one, and if she’s half as talented as Raven thinks she is, she’ll be a huge success. Plus watching her interact with that snooty clientele, and all the drama queens at the salon, will be quite entertaining.

  I could have seen Bianca in the office this afternoon, but I didn’t want to appear unprofessional asking her to come in with no notice, and I just now solidified the final plans with Jennifer, the salon manager.

  Plus, I like the idea of taking her out to dinner. She probably doesn’t get taken to fine restaurants and she deserves a bit of special treatment.

  Raven said she works hard and her boyfriend does nothing for her. He hasn’t even bothered to marry her, and they have a child together. Not that I would be keen on the child, but if it was mine…anyway, she’s going to be fun to work with. She’s a little rough around the edges, but I am known to excel at smoothing…

  My cell is ringing and I retrieve it from my briefcase. “Eric Kimball.”

  “Hello, Eric Kimball. It’s your boss, Raven Alexander. So what’s up in boring old Richmond?”

  “Are you drunk? It’s only…never mind, you’re in another time zone, right?”

  Raven has been hopping all over the world since she was left at the altar, less than a week ago. Well, actually she was left at the end of the reception, which is so bizarre.

  I warned her that getting married was a stupid idea in the first place, although I did not peg her fiancé as playing for the other team. I thought maybe he was just refined. After all, I’m sure some of the people in Bianca’s circle would think I’m gay because I don’t have any tattoos or ride a Harley.

  “I am a teensy bit drunk…” I imagine her showing me how drunk she is with her fingers pinched together. “…but I’m having an amazing time. The men are so manly here. I may stay for a while. Hold on a second. Bartender, excuse me. Oh, wait, you don’t speak English. Barman, oshte edno pitie, moyla.”

  “What language was that?”

  “Bulgarian. I’m in Sofia. Bianca recommended it. She has friends who are from here. Anyhoo, the men and the drinks are top notch here. It’s like a hidden gem.”

  I shake my head at my boss, and former lover’s, antics.

  “Raven, they don’t even use the same alphabet, do they? I tried to take Russian in college and I gave up. How could you possibly know how to speak their language already?”

  “You know I have a gift. And besides, there are only a few phrases I need to master in order to enjoy myself here.”

  “Like, ‘where is the library,’ right?”

  Now she’s laughing so hard that I think she dropped the phone. It wasn’t that funny. I’d be worried about her if she were a normal woman
, but she clearly isn’t. I can attest to that, in so many ways.

  “So, have you gotten everything straightened out with Bianca? And I meant to tell you—no funny business with this one. She’s got a boyfriend and she’s a mother.”

  Funny business? She must be in a past time zone. Who says things like that?

  I sigh and reply, “Yes, I just spoke with her. I’m taking her out to dinner on Saturday, but before you get accusatory, I just wanted to treat her to a bit of class. She could use a little refinement, and I want to prepare her for what awaits her on Monday.”

  “And her flaming red hair, gleaming blue eyes and perfect figure don’t have anything to do with that plan, right?”

  “It sounds like you’re interested. Did Corey convince you to switch teams? Oh wait, never mind. You’re making your way through the Bulgarian Most Eligible Bachelors.”

  “Just consider yourself warned. Okay, I have to go. I just spotted a guy I met last night. I think I went home with him, but if I go talk to him, I’ll know for sure. And if so, I really would like round two. Bye, Eric. Be good and keep making me lots of money. I’ll be home when this gets boring, too.”

  “Goodbye…”

  She’s already hung up. That girl is a whirlwind of insanity. Brilliant, beautiful and blessed in so many ways, but very self-destructive at times. It’s like there are two Ravens. The out of control party girl and the shrewd business woman/socialite.

  It’s a good thing for Corey that he’s gay, or else he would have married her when she was in a good phase, and it would be too late by the time she ran off and started banging random foreigners.

  However, she has a soft spot for helping other women. She’s like a fairy godmother of sorts. Bianca is the latest in a line of projects, but she means well and usually the subjects of her charity succeed and make it on their own. Raven just gives them a start.

  It’s my experiences with them that vary, and I have a feeling that my new alliance with Bianca will be both challenging and rewarding. Professionally…and personally.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Max

  “Congrats on the new little princess, man!”

  I shake Jon’s hand and peer into the room where they keep all the fresh babies.

  Jon and Cassie’s daughter, Sofia, is tiny and pink. Jon insisted that naming her after the capital city of his mother country was a cliché, but Cassie loves the name.

  And apparently unlike me, Jon wants to make his woman happy.

  “Thanks. We’re very excited.” Jon looks behind him and lowers his voice. “Do you know Bianca will be here soon? Cassie’s resting, but pretty soon the baby will go back to her room, and all the women will swarm her.”

  “That’s alright. It’s not like we’ll never see each other. Plus how is she gonna remember how charming and good looking I am unless I drop in a few reminders?”

  I smile at my buddy, but Jon keeps staring at me with those sad eyes. The women are bad enough, but now even the dudes are pitying me.

  I’m not happy about the way things went down, but I’m not ready to give up. And I don’t want anybody’s sympathy.

  Well, except Diamond’s because it involves food.

  “Yeah, well I guess you’re—”

  “Oh my God, where is she?”

  I’ve never been so glad to hear Claire’s overly enthusiastic voice.

  Brandon is tagging along, playing the dutiful husband. I keep wondering if his days are numbered, too. No matter what he does for her, that woman is never happy, either. It’s like her and Birdie are twins separated at birth.

  Jon shakes Brandon’s hand and hugs Claire. “She’s right here. Thanks for coming.”

  “Well, of course we wanted to come as soon as we heard the good news.” She lowers her voice a notch and says, “But I am on the lookout for my asshole doctor ex. He works in this hospital sometimes, and I surely don’t want to run into him.”

  Claire practically sticks her nose on the glass, and starts making stupid faces at the baby.

  Brandon rolls his eyes and walks towards me. I’ve moved away from the viewing area to give other people a chance to see their babies.

  “Your wife sure loves babies. And hates that doctor guy. What was his name?”

  “That she does, my friend. On both counts. His name is Nathan, and if I see him I will punch him in his arrogant face. I actually almost did that when I took Claire to confront him when they broke up. We’ve come a long way from that drama.” He slaps me on the back. “So how are you holdin’ up? If you make a getaway soon, you’ll miss Bianca.”

  “That’s okay. I’ll be leaving soon, but I don’t care if—”

  “Oh, isn’t she cute?”

  Bianca has arrived and joined Claire at the window. Even my tough girlfriend…I mean… ex-girlfriend…

  This does suck. I need to devise a…

  “Hi, guys. Max, I’m sorry I didn’t bring Mick. He’s with my mother.”

  Bianca turns to greet me in a purposeful way, with her eyes intent and her lips set in a sickly looking smile, like she’s trying way too hard to act like everything is normal.

  Well get used to it, Birdie. I’m not going anywhere.

  “No problem. This is not the place for him anyway. And I’ll see him tomorrow night, right? The guys were talking about taking all the little people to the bounce house, right Brandon?”

  I give him the silent eye communication, and he picks up on it.

  “Oh…yeah…absolutely.” Claire glares at him and twists her face, as he continues. “I forgot to tell you, honey. Since you all have a girls’ night out planned tomorrow, we…the guys decided we’re gonna take the kids on a fun father outing.”

  This is why I need him around. I can’t think of that many words off the cuff if my life depended on it. It pays to have a writer in your inner circle.

  “Okay, well that sounds nice. I guess my mother could watch Aurora or maybe I won’t go. Bianca, did you know we had a night out planned?” Claire isn’t so easily tricked after all.

  “No, I didn’t, but I could see if Katie and Zoe are available. Speaking of Zoe, is she coming to see the baby?”

  Jon finally joins the conversation. “She said she’s going to stop by later on her way home from work, before band practice. Sorry I have to miss that.”

  He gestures towards his baby as if we may not remember what pressing engagement might keep him away.

  “Really? You’re not gonna leave your wife and new baby to practice?” Brandon rolls his eyes. A habit picked up from his bride. “Obviously, man. Take all the time you need. I can cover for you on the bass, and we can take Owen any time this weekend if you need a break.”

  “Absolutely.” Claire loves any mom tasks. I don’t see Bianca volunteering to do any babysitting. Probably because her hotshot new job starts soon.

  Jon says, “Thanks, guys, but both sets of parents will be here by the weekend, so we’ll have more help than we want or need. Speaking of help, Bianca has definitely done her share. Did you tell them the fiasco you endured getting Cassie to the hospital with Owen and Mick in tow?”

  Bianca’s face lights up, now that she has an audience and doesn’t have to talk to me directly. Or answer any questions about us. I know how she is.

  She smiles and begins. “Owen went AWOL right about the time Cassie announced she thought she was in labor. I was running all over the park like a jackass trying to find him, and then I finally got a tip that he could be at the park.”

  “Who gave you a tip?” Claire asks the question that immediately popped into my mind.

  “Oh…um…I got a phone call, and the person on the phone gave me the idea.”

  Before Claire can be her usual nosy self and press her for more details, Bianca continues. Now she’s looking at Jon and they’re both cracking up.

  Jon says, “Wait until you hear this part. But listen guys, I need to get back to Cassie and see if she’s awake. If so, they’ll bring the baby to her and you guys, or girls
, can visit.”

  He gives out more hugs and handshakes before disappearing through the swinging double doors.

  All eyes are back on Bianca. “So, oh my God! I finally grabbed that little beast and dragged him back to his mother, who by now was doubled over. Mick was screaming and crying, and as soon as I got near the stroller I smelled fresh poop that almost made me hurl. I’m used to dealing with crappy diapers, but after my manhunt I was in no mood for smelly pants. So I ran to the van and pulled it as close to Cassie as I could, and quickly loaded the kids, and then Cassie, inside.”

  “This sounds like a nightmare. And the whole time you were probably worried that Cassie was going to start delivering the baby.” Claire is fully sucked into the drama.

  “Yes, I was terrified! I am awful in a medical emergency. She was basically crossing her legs while we smelled Mick’s poop, and then right when we got off the exit…I kid you not...Owen announced that he also shit his pants.”

  “He said it just like that, Birdie?” I wink at Bianca and she glares at me.

  Maybe I should have avoided her for a while. I don’t think my charms will take effect until she has some time to miss me.

  “No, Max. He lives with people who speak properly in front of children. Not some Neanderthal—”

  “Okay, that’s enough. Max, why don’t we take a walk? Let the girls visit with Cassie and the baby.” Brandon motions his head towards the doors, and freedom from a possible domestic disturbance in the new baby nursery.

  I keep my mouth shut, since this is not the place to fight, and I can see Bianca is in her hard-headed, bitch mode. Nothing I say will make any difference.

  “Fine. See you later, Claire.”

  I then stare at the woman I still love, until she is forced to meet my eyes. “Bianca, I’ll be by tomorrow after work to pick Mick up.”

  “I’m not sure I’ll be home. But I’ll let my mother know to expect you.” She looks at her fingernails and then plays with her nose ring.

  Brandon puffs out his cheeks and kisses his wife on the forehead. “Okay, everything’s settled. I’ll be outside.”

  “Oh, honey if you see Nathan, please don’t punch him. We really don’t have time to bail you out of jail.” Claire smiles, but I think she’s at least half serious.