A rose should be red: Part 1 - Secrets

by Akaku Red

  That’s what I liked about her; she always did that. She talked about her day, about the people who annoyed her, and she was gushing over Dean and Tyler like a fangirl.

  Even though she was much older than all of us together.

  Sandra was finishing her last year at work before she would retire.

  A lovely woman who always did her work with a smile on her face, regardless in which situation she was in.

  She was a little chubby which matched her friendly appearance, and her white hair was always made into a bun.

  Her energy was a blessing from god.

  “I think you are glad that you can finally take a shower, right? I always saw how you were looking at your own body. Your eyes were screaming for a good shower.”

  I nodded as she helped me get out of bed.

  We moved to the bathroom. She helped me sit down on the bathtub before she went out to get me a new patient gown.

  Because my wounds needed to be constantly checked, I couldn’t wear my normal clothes.

  Also, the tiniest bit of skin contact was a burning hell to me. The wounds were still fresh, and every little touch was as if a knife was stabbing me again.

  “Do you need my help with showering?”

  I shook my head.

  “Okay, but the door won’t be locked. I will be in your room. When you are finished, I will help you get changed.”

  She placed the gown on a basket, then she helped me out of the one I was wearing and carefully removed the bandages.

  Sandra had already seen my ravished body, which was why I wasn’t really ashamed of showing her…

  Days prior, Sandra had helped me clean myself carefully with a cloth, but I didn’t feel clean enough doing it like that.

  To take a shower was really something I had wanted to do since the first day after I had woken at the hospital.

  But due my wounds I hadn’t been allowed to do so.

  I just felt so dirty, so … damn dirty.

  Now that I could finally take a shower, I felt somewhat relieved.

  I just wanted to take a long shower in the hope that the unclean feeling would disappear with the water down the drain.

  “Ah! By the way, I also brought you a sponge. Well, Jeffrey didn’t allow it, but I am sure you want to clean your body properly.”

  Grateful, I took the sponge and smiled.

  “T-Thank you!”

  “Oh wow, so you can talk! What a surprise! I will leave you alone now, but if I have the feeling that anything is wrong, I will come in without knocking on the door,” she warned me before leaving the bathroom.

  Now that I was alone, I looked at my naked body in front of the mirror. I was shaking.

  All the wounds were deep and red, some scabs were beginning to form. The stitches circled all around my wounds— I followed the long line of the cut from my left arm to my chest and down my right arm.

  This cut tore my sweatshirt apart.

  Then I looked over to the other cuts.

  My left arm where the knife had been stuck, before I had pulled it out myself, was hurting badly.

  But I was feeling so much pain all over my body that I couldn’t really tell which wound hurt the most.

  Even the painkillers were not enough to mask the pain.

  I sighed…

  Now, it wasn’t only the old memories which flashed into my mind. Now, it was that after all the old memories, the new ones pictured in my mind … A mixture of Thomas and Daniel together, and then Daniel alone…

  Up until my fake mother Cindy showed up, torturing my mind.

  I started feeling dizzy from all the bad memories.

  My heart felt heavy in my chest, I wiped away the tears which continued to fight their ways through my closed eyes.

  As my eyes went up to my neck, I could see Daniel in front of me, how he had kissed me and bit me.

  The spot on my neck was purple and green.

  Disgusting.

  I took my eyes away from the mirror and moved into the shower.

  I let the hot water wash over me and sighed quietly.

  It was comfortable and awful at the same time because some wounds were burning whenever they were met by the water.

  I knelt down in the bathtub and let the water fall down on me until I decided to shampoo my hair.

  My head was still hurting bad from the punches I had taken from Walter and the harsh grip from Daniel.

  Unconsciously, I started to press my hands harder against my head, with the shampoo still in my hair.

  I only realised what I was doing when my head started to throb painfully.

  I stopped and washed the foam out of my hair.

  After turning off the water, I started soaping my body with the sponge. When I reached my neck, it was all over for me.

  Daniel was in front of my eyes. I felt his hands and his lips everywhere.

  I tried to get him out of my mind. The more I tried it, the harder I scrubbed my body. I wanted him to go away— I didn’t want to feel him anymore.

  My ugly body had been defiled by this person.

  Yet, no matter how hard I scrubbed, I could still feel his touch on my skin.

  ‘I told you, you will never be happy in this world!’

  It started again.

  I started hearing voices again.

  ‘Isn’t it tiring to always fake a smile around the people? Can you even live with a fake smile on your lips?’

  This voice was talking to me as if it was right next to me, hovering around my violated skin.

  ‘You are hiding your emotions. Again and again, it is going to eat you alive.’

  I felt the presence of this voice touching my body.

  ‘It doesn’t matter how many times you take a shower. You will never get away from him. You will always feel his touch, his hands, how they move aggressively on your skin. How he captured you alive! Mentally and physically! He is everywhere.’

  No! No! I started scrubbing my body again, this time with a lot more pressure and urgency.

  ‘You are foolish! But someday, you will realise that I am telling the truth.’

  I didn’t stop, I kept scrubbing— I felt disgusting.

  The warm water was pouring down my neck, and I was still scrubbing harder and harder.

  “JENNY!” I heard someone screaming. My hands were violently pulled away from my body. The nurse was standing in front of me.

  “OH MY GOD!”

  I looked on the same spot for a long time as if I was under a spell.

  “Jenny! Oh god! How could you?”

  She was in pure shock as she stared at my skin.

  Slowly, I looked at my hands and noticed that it wasn’t warm water which was pouring down.

  I had turned off the shower before I started to soap my body.

  My hands were smeared with blood. It was dripping down from my fingers.

  I was looking now at my body which was also covered in blood.

  The sponge, which was supposed to be in my hand, was on the ground. Then I looked again at my fingers and discovered pieces of skin under my nails.

  “I-I will clean you up. Oh my god!”

  The shock was written all over her face.

  She took the showerhead and started to wash off my blood and the foam.

  It burned like hell, but I didn’t flinch.

  I felt like an empty shell…

  My body started to shake, and my vision began to turn black.

  “Jenny, talk to me, please!” the nurse pleaded. She covered my body with a towel, then she brought me a cloth, which she instructed me to press against my neck. But my body failed.

  I dropped to the ground.

  “JENNY!” the nurse yelled. She tried to talk to me but to no avail.

  I stopped holding my neck and pressed my knees against my upper body.

  I hugged myself and dug my nails into my skin.

  Even though I just took a shower, I still feel dirty.

  I bit my lips.

 
I really wanted to scream. I really, really wanted to scream loudly, but Daniel had always loved it when I screamed.

  So, I bit my lips hard until I tasted metal again.

  The nurse was overwhelmed. She desperately ran her fingers through her hair.

  Just leave me alone, I pleaded in my head, but the guilty feelings took their turn.

  I am sorry, I am so sorry.

  Everyone was trying their best to help me, but what do I do?

  A deep, gentle voice spoke to me.

  “Jenny.”

  Slowly, I was becoming aware of my surroundings.

  “Everything will be okay.”

  Tyler was looking deep into my eyes. I noticed how tears were dripping down from his face.

  “I am here with you,” he said again. Then he touched my face and brushed over my cheeks with his thumb.

  “Please, stop torturing yourself.”

  He bent over, so his forehead touched mine.

  “We will get through this.”

  I slowly released my teeth from my lips. He wiped the blood away from it.

  “I-I am sorry.” My voice was hoarse.

  “You don’t need to apologise to anyone. Just don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve suffered enough already.”

  He placed a soft kiss on my forehead and brushed my wet hair away from my face.

  Then he took the cloth and pressed it against my neck.

  Tyler smelled like he had just come freshly out of the shower.

  His hair was tamed, his beard was gone, and he had new clothes on.

  Was he finally getting better?

  I stared at him as he wiped away my blood with one hand. The other one was still in the sling. He raised his arm to accept a new cloth from the nurse, but at this moment, I pressed my body against his and wrapped my arms around him— I sobbed loudly.

  “I am sorry. I am truly sorry.”

  I leaned my head against his chest. My voice was muffled from his shirt.

  Tyler gently patted my back to calm me down.

  “Everything will be fine.”

  His strong arms were like a feather around me, as if afraid to hurt me.

  Slowly, I started get calmer. I moved away, and the nurse seized the opportunity.

  “Thank you for your help, but please wait outside now. Jenny needs to get dressed.”

  I noticed that my towel had fallen partway so Tyler could see half of my chest.

  The nurse was blushing as Tyler stared at me.

  I looked away and pulled the towel back up, so I was covered again.

  His stare made me a bit uncomfortable since I didn’t feel that there was anything on my body which could be admired.

  “Get out.”

  The nurse pushed Tyler out of the bathroom and helped me up.

  “You scared me, Jenny.”

  She dressed my wounds and helped me get into some clothes.

  “If the handsome guy hadn’t shown up, I think I would have called Jeffrey.”

  She sighed.

  “Please, don’t do anything like this again.”

  “I-I will try.”

  “That is a good call.”

  She blow dried my hair, and then she guided me back to my bed.

  Tyler was sitting on the chair next to my bed again.

  He looked at me with sad eyes. I lay down on the bed and noticed the new bedsheets.

  Now … I really felt a bit cleaner now.

  I looked over to the nurse. She was smiling, yet she looked tired.

  She approached me to adjust the pillow.

  “In ten minutes, I will get you your dinner.”

  Before she could leave, I grabbed her arm.

  “Thank you.”

  She nodded, relieved to hear me talk.

  “No problem!”

  She was beaming from ear to ear. She patted Tyler’s shoulder before she left the room.

  Now, only the both of us were in here. But we didn’t speak.

  Even when the nurse came back with our dinner.

  I had no appetite. However, I felt like I needed to eat something for Tyler’s sake.

  He would only eat if I also ate.

  It wasn’t that he forced me… I just couldn’t take it to see him like that because of me.

  He was really hard on himself.

  After we finished, the nurse came back to take the empty dishes away. then we were left alone again.

  Elise would normally come to stay with me, but today she needed to rest at home.

  Well, not at home, necessarily.

  She had to stay with Bob now since Daniel was still out there, and who knew what he would do next.

  My gaze was on the window. The clouds were thick and grey, and the rain was pouring non-stop. It was really depressing…

  Then my eyes went around the room.

  It was petite but comfortable.

  A single room with one bed, a table next to the window with some chairs for guests.

  Everything was white in this room, only the table and chairs were wood-coloured. I followed the wall until my eyes stopped at the person next to me.

  Tyler was looking down, he looked insecure… as if he was not sure if he was allowed to talk to me.

  His insecurity was written all over his eyes. He was deep in thought, but then I broke the silence.

  “I just wanted to know your name.”

  He lifted his gaze, clearly puzzled by my words.

  “You told me … when we would meet again that I should tell you what I had wanted to say.”

  It took him a moment before he realised what I was talking about, but then his eyes widened in surprise.

  The mesmerising blue began to light up. He was clearly touched by my words.

  “Y-You remembered?”

  It was the first time that I heard him stutter.

  He looked baffled.

  “Yeah … I wanted to know your name, thinking I would never get to hear it. But it was as if you had read my mind because you answered my question with the rose.”

  He was speechless.

  “Tyler… I thought it was a beautiful name which I could never forget— But I did, I lost my memory about important people.”

  The sky started to darken outside, and the rain was still pouring down, even louder and stronger than before.

  “I am sorry. You kept your promise, but I didn’t-” I began.

  “No! I didn’t! I should have been there for you, but you suffered because of me! And I couldn’t protect you.”

  His eyes were red again. He was blaming himself.

  Well, he couldn’t protect me because Walter had hurt him badly! He had attacked Tyler from behind with an iron bar, had hit him on his head, just the right spot to make Tyler defenceless.

  “Everything… would have happened eventually. If it hadn’t been on that day, then maybe it would have happened some days later…”

  Because they had Dean, and I would have helped him.

  “Nothing like this should have happened!”

  He roughly ran through his hair with his hand and sighed.

  “Nothing should have happened.”

  “Yeah … But it did.”

  Silence fell between us again.

  I wanted to tell him that he should get some more rest, but he didn’t look like he would want to leave me.

  He wanted to stay next to me, so he could watch over me. He wanted to make sure that I was safe.

  I moved my legs, so he could put his head on the mattress.

  The bed wasn’t big enough for the both of us, but I tried my best to give him some space.

  He wanted to say something, but he swallowed his words.

  Without waiting for me to ask him, he lay his head down on the mattress.

  He used his uninjured arm as a pillow. It was stretched out on the side, his eyes followed his finger which almost touched my leg.

  His eyebrows twitched. He was evidently unsure whether he could touch me. Yet, he took the courage and g
ently placed his hand on my leg.

  I felt his warmth through the blanket.

  “I am sorry,” he muttered. “I should have told you everything. But I was afraid… people lose their memory for good reasons. And someone told me that it was best to wait until the person remembers it without the help of others. Also, you had suffered a lot, so I didn’t know if this was your way to help yourself get better…”

  He sighed and closed his eyes.

  “I should have told you from the start. About everything…”

  I stayed silent after his comment because I didn’t want to think about this right now.

  “You … If you don’t want to see me, then tell me. I wi-”

  “You should rest, Tyler,” I interrupted his speech because I didn’t want to hear him say it.

  He was a person I never wanted to lose, and his presence helped me stay calm.

  We just needed to talk everything out.

  But not now; once everything got a bit better, then we would talk it out…

  It was late at night when I started to feel my trembling body.

  My wounds were pounding hard. The painkillers had stopped working.

  But I didn’t want to call a nurse since I didn’t want my body to get used to the pills.

  Not again…

  I heard a whisper.

  “I am sorry, Jenny.”

  “I am so sorry, I really am the cruellest friend you ever had.”

  Something warm was dripping on my arm.

  “If I could turn back the time, I never would have agreed to this. But if I hadn’t agreed to this, then I wouldn’t have known you. I am quite a shy person. I never would have talked to you because I never had many friends. And the ones that I had were the ones who approached me.”

  Linette?

  I wanted to open my eyes, but somehow, I was afraid that if I did that, she would run away.

  “I really had a beautiful time… together with you. We did things I never did before. I was always the girl who stayed at home watching series and reading books. I never went out, not even with Charlotte or Amy. I was always afraid to ask, and I didn’t want to intrude… What if they didn’t want my company after school? Only when I met you, I started to feel good. We had so much fun, even though I lived in fear that you would find out about the things.”

  She was speaking so fast and quietly that I barely managed to hear everything.

  “I am deeply sorry. And … I can’t help but think that I am the cause of your best friend’s death… Alice. She was a real friend, not me. I found an article … She jumped off a bridge because of a broken heart. And I am sure this happened because I stopped you from finding her. She died earlier this year in February. The letter which I received had been meant for her. If she had this letter, maybe she still be alive…”