Lost Soul

by Cindy Pike

  “Be back after I take him for a walk, then we can watch a movie if you want.” He rests the top of his head against mine as he looks into my eyes. I love the way his deep voice seems to vibrate down my entire body.

  “Okay, G Man.” I whisper back. He stands and gets the lead for Cain hanging on a hook next to his front door, clipping it to his collar. They head out and I turn back to Sara.

  “So, how’s being a new mom? I’m surprised you didn’t bring the baby.” I had expected Sara to have her new baby girl in tow, so when it was just her, I was slightly deflated. I was looking forward to baby cuddles!

  “Tiring, but worth it when she opens her big green eyes. She needed some alone daddy time, so Anne and Levi are on their own for once. I just hope she doesn’t wear him out.” Sara gets this soft look on her face that emanates all the love a mother can hold for her child. I’m not sure if I’ll ever want kids, but I do know, for now, I’m nowhere near ready.

  “How was your first self-defense session today?” She gets a sheepish look on her face, explaining, “Heath asked me to come over in case you needed someone to talk to who’s been where you are. I guessed it was your first session today since this is about the time they start them, if you’ve progressed enough in your therapy. He didn’t break your confidence; I want to reassure you of that.”

  “Thanks, it was… harder in some ways, and easier in others. I think having Heath as my instructor helped, he is very patient and I’m comfortable with him. He isn’t a stranger so that probably helped more, but his size makes certain aspects more challenging. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but your brother is a giant!” We both chuckle at my joke, “How are you two related? You’re so tiny, even compared to me.”

  “They switched babies when he was in the nursery at the hospital.” Sara shoots out quickly, making me burst out into full laughter. “Our dad is a big guy, not as big as Heath, but close. Mom’s smaller than me by a couple inches, so I know where I get it from but him…” She shrugs her shoulders as she trails off.

  “Nora, if you’re up for it, I’d like to share what happened to me and why Heath started Flex, building it from nothing into the amazing place it is today. He said it was alright to share his part with you.” She gets serious as she reaches out, taking hold of my hand resting on the table. I swallow my laughter and look into her eyes, seeing the past pain, that I suspect, women who have been through what we have will carry for the rest of our lives.

  “I’m open to hearing it, if you want to share.” Giving a sad smile to her, she starts.

  “I was in college, attending a frat party with some friends, talking to this guy I was casually dating. Hanging out in the backyard with music playing, drinking. A typical college party. We were all having a good time and I had to use the bathroom. I never made it to the bathroom, my date followed me in and tried to get me to go upstairs with him. I wasn’t interested in his offer to go upstairs. Well, he wasn’t taking no for an answer. I’ll spare you the details, but he forced me upstairs where he beat and raped me. When he was done, he hit me so hard in the head it knocked me out for a bit. I came to and found someone willing to let me use their phone to call 911. When I got to the hospital, I was in shock until they talked about performing a rape kit. I lost it and they had to sedate me. When I woke up, Heath and Owen were both there. He’s always had a temper but it got infinitely worse and more aggressive after my rape. He threw himself into his fighting career, using all his rage and hate for the man that did that to me on each opponent he faced in the ring, and even some out of it. It wasn’t healthy and he started spiraling out of control, drowning in his anger. Mom and dad had their hands full with trying to help me. Bless them, they tried but there just wasn’t an option that worked for me. Until Flynn, who was studying to become a psychologist at the time, brought the idea that eventually became Flex to the others. They all had a hand in helping Heath and I get better and developing a system for Flex. Heath channeled his emotions into Flex, working tirelessly for months to get it up and running, all while going back to get a degree in psychology and still competing so he could funnel the money from his winnings into Flex.” Through her whole story, I listened, with tears for her, and myself, falling as we shed them along with her story.

  After hearing her story and Heath’s struggle, I felt like I understood them a bit more, and I felt that Sara was a sister in the women’s club that I could turn to who would not only understand, but also wouldn’t judge. I stood and started to clear the table. If I was going to brave my story with someone other than my therapist, I needed to keep my hands busy.

  “I’m sorry for what you and Heath endured, thank you for sharing.” Sara helped me clear the table then put the leftovers away and clean up from our dinner. Then I shared my story, minus the gory details. I’m sure she knew all too well what they were, or at least could guess close enough. I feel like we were really bonding over our sordid pasts. After sharing our stories, we talked about other things that occurred in our lives. Before I knew it, we were sitting on Heath’s couch, sharing all kinds of stories, eating dark chocolate and drinking hot cocoa. Our laughter rang out as the door opened and Heath came back in covered in sweat, with Cain panting.

  Surprised I looked at the time and was astonished that over an hour had passed since Heath left to walk Cain. Heath checks us with a long look and then unclips the lead from Cain’s collar.

  “He needed a long run, so did I. I’m going upstairs to shower then we can catch the movie. You staying Sara?”

  “Actually, I’ve been away from my baby girl long enough. Nora, you have my number, call or text me anytime, even if it’s just to have me give my big brother an earful about anything.” She gives me a wink then snags her purse. She hugs her brother and he returns it, ruffling her hair as she pulls away. Sara gives a pet to Cain, breezing out the door as Heath and I call out our goodbyes back.

  “Pick the movie, Sweetheart, I’ll be down in a second.” Then Heath jogs up the steps and Cain comes to lay down in front of me on the floor. I queue up his Netflix and select Bright.

  It’s less than five minutes when Heath descends the stairs in a pair of maroon sweat shorts cut off just above the knee. Muscled thighs, broad shoulders, and glistening abs, oh my!

  “Get up real quick for me, Sweetheart.” He grabs the blanket I’ve been keeping on the couch for when I’m here. He keeps his AC low, so I freeze if I don’t keep covered. I stand and Heath moves behind me, stretching out along the couch (his preferred position when we do this) at an angle with his back against the back rest, then I lay down in front of him. He tucks me in close to him and covers us with my blanket.

  “You okay?” I knew he set up Sara coming over. I look up at him to make sure he understands the depth of my feelings for that.

  “I actually am really good. She told me about her rape and how you fell apart when it happened. Then she told me how you eventually focused your feelings into Flex, and why you started it. Thank you, not just for asking her to come over tonight, but for being you and caring enough to make a place where women, who conventional options don’t work for, can go to and get the help they need. You’re amazing.” Heath buries his head into the space on my neck that meets my shoulder and holds me for several minutes.

  “I’m nothing compared to women like you and Sara, who’ve been through what you have and still have the outlook you do on life. That amazes me, the strength and thirst for life, that you have in order to overcome the things done to you astounds me. Even knowing it isn’t going to be an easy road and you’re going to encounter pain and have to endure those nightmares again, is awe-inspiring. And that’s exactly why I made Flex a reality, because you deserve it and I’m glad to give it.” His words gut me, they leave me bleeding with nothing to stem the flow of emotions spilling from his beautiful thoughts about me and his reasons for Flex.

  Pushing back from him, I align my mouth to his and seal it with a kiss of gratitude. His lips are gentle on mine, as they’ve alway
s been. After we both come up for air, I settle back down against Heath in our customary positions and we enjoy the movie.

  5 Riding with Owen

  I Don’t Know About You by Chris Lane

  The next morning Owen pushes the big barn door open, as he does, I check him out. Other than the first night at Kyle’s this is the most casual I’ve seen him. He’s got an aqua blue t-shirt on and a pair of charcoal gray jeans with black leather belt and matching lace up riding boots his pant legs covered for the most part. It’s a very, very nice look on him. His hair is perfect as always, but he’s absent his usual watch today. I’ve got on similar clothes, blue jeans and a deep purple t-shirt that’s sporting my love of coffee with a printed phrase of ‘Touch my coffee at your own risk, unless you’re filling my cup!’ in a bright teal color on the front. My boots are brown and new, they were sitting by the back door on our way out here. I’ve got my hair in a tight French braid thanks to Heath this morning (it’s not as good as Silas does, but it’s better than I can manage to do, so I’ll take it). A shockingly cool blast of air hits me in the face. It brings my attention back to the door, it’s one of those hanging barn doors just on a bigger scale than the ones you see in houses nowadays. The outside of the barn is a light tan color with white trim. This is the first time I get to see his horses up close. Until now, I’ve only seen them from afar, as Owen didn’t think I was well enough to be around them, in case they moved too quickly. He only has two, but they are retired thoroughbreds that used to be racers, so they’re high strung.

  “This is a fancy set up you’ve got.” I point out the luxuriousness of the barn.

  “It gets hot here, even hotter inside with no way for the air to circulate.” Leaving it at that, he enters the barn and heads to one of four stalls. Each stall is placed in each of the four corners of the barn with two open bays in the middle of each stall along the sides. There’s a soft nickering, I inhale the horse smell that takes me back to my younger years when I had taken riding lessons. He goes over to the closest stall on the left and unlatches the top guard railing, leaving the space exposed. A big beautiful blue roan horse head peeks out over the gate from inside.

  “This big guy is Wren, he retired almost three years ago from racing. I purchased him at a racing auction, had him gelded and he’s been my primary Polo pony since.” Owen’s got Wren’s head over his shoulder and one hand on his muzzle absentmindedly stroking it. I step up next to the door, reaching my hand out and feeling the soft coat along the front part of his head, between his eyes.

  “He’s beautiful…” It’s been so long since I’ve done anything with horses (I didn’t realize how much I missed this) that I’m slightly speechless. Owen moves back from the stall door and I slide over so he can open the door. Wren tosses his head and starts dancing around a bit, letting his pent-up energy show.

  “Beautiful, and in serious need of some exercise.” Owen takes the halter and lead off the hook next to the stall door. It’s black leather and looks like it costs a pretty penny. It’s just another thing that shows he’s got more money than what comes from just being a doctor.

  “Owen,” I pause to wait for acknowledgement, when he looks at me over Wren’s withers I continue, “Can I ask you a personal financial question?” None of the guys talk about money around me, yet they all seem to have it in spades, it makes me curious. Not that I think any of them aren’t successful, but the amount of money they’ve all got in their homes, cars, clothes, hobbies, and just general spending is more than just being a success.

  “Nora, you can always ask me anything. That doesn’t mean I’ll answer, but if I don’t, I won’t just not answer. I’ll always explain why, alright?” He finishes securing the strap that goes over and behind Wren’s head and ears, then slides his hand down the lead and starts out of the stall. When he makes it to me, he stops and waits.

  “You can totally tell me to go to hell and that it’s none of my business.” I pause, with my unease starting to creep up. Owen motions for me to continue with his hand so, I do, “How do you afford all this on a doctor’s salary? I know your salary isn’t anything to sneeze at, but just your house and clothes cost a whack. Are you secretly wealthy?”

  “That’s your question, Gorgeous?” Owen’s got a shit eating grin on his face. I don’t get what’s so amusing, but whatever, at least he’s not mad at me.

  “Well, yeah. What did you think I was going to ask?” I’m truly puzzled about his reaction, but Owen never really reacts the way I think he will (hell, none of the guys do).

  “Your lead up had me nervous and thinking you were going to ask for advice.” As he passes by me with Wren behind, I hear him try to stifle his chuckles (Really, I do not see how this is that funny).

  “I doubt it’s been lost on you, but I don’t exactly have extra cash just laying around to ask for advice on what I should do with it. Most of what my mom left me is set aside for my schooling. Other than what I make at King’s, I don’t have money.” I trail behind Owen and the big blue roan.

  “Gorgeous, I’m not making fun of you, I promise. That’s just not what I expected. You’ve been with us for a good eight weeks now. Most women ask me that question as soon as all that I have hits them in the face, so generally, when they find out I’m a doctor.” Owen ties Wren to one of the hitching posts along the side of the barn in the shade. There’s already a big palomino colored horse tied along the other end of the same post. I don’t know how I didn’t notice him earlier, he’s huge! I’d guess Wren to be about fifteen or sixteen hands high, the palomino has got to be seventeen or more. Owen must’ve noticed my stare.

  “That’s Thor, he’s my other gelding. Heath likes to ride him; he has to have a bigger horse to ride.” Owen moves over to Thor and checks the saddle that’s already on him. It’s a western one, which surprises me because I thought polo saddles were English. “I’ll be riding Wren today; he hasn’t gotten any decent exercise lately and I have a feeling he’s going to be a handful. Don’t let Thor’s size scare you, he’s a gentle giant.” Owen moves back to Wren and grabs an English saddle from the saddle stand it was resting on. I step back so I’m not in the way and move over to meet Thor. The saddle’s got the bridle and reins secured to it as Owen throws the blanket over Wren’s back.

  “I took a guess as to your riding style. Are you okay with a western saddle, or would you prefer an English one?” Owen asks me as he cinches up the girth on Wren.

  “I’ve never ridden in an English saddle; I don’t think today is the day to learn. This is perfect.” Thor bumps my shoulder gently with his nose and I smile and stroke the sides of his head along the bridle straps. “Hello, Thor.” Yep, I’m talking to all animals now, just call me the animal whisperer. God, I’m losing it. I roll my eyes at myself and duck under the horizontal bar to stand next to Thor.

  Owen comes around to Thor, “Ready?”

  “Yep.” The excitement of getting back on a horse sets the butterflies off in my stomach (it’s absolutely not how close Owen is standing next to me, nope) as a smile breaks out on my face. Owen returns my smile and slowly moves behind me to help me up. Just as he does Wren dances into Owen, knocking him into me and me into Thor. Thor lets out a deep snort and tosses his head in agitation. Owen throws up his hands to catch himself on Thor, making me flinch.

  “Sorry, Gorgeous…” He puts pressure on Wren’s side to move him away, then grabs my hand, ducking under the pole so we’re on the other side and can’t get bumped again. “You okay, Nora?”

  I’m shaken up, more from his quick movements with his hands than getting jostled around some.

  “Yeah, just your hands going up quickly like that got to me some. But I’m not hurt. You weren’t kidding about Wren being a handful, huh.” I try to laugh off the rest of my nerves, knowing horses can sense things like that. I want this ride to go well, I really miss riding.

  “He’s nothing I can’t handle, are you sure you’re alright?” Owen checks with me again. It’s as sweet as it is irr
itating. He needs to trust that I’m being honest with him.

  “I said I’m fine.” I snap at him, then guilt over it gets to me, “I’m sorry Owen, I didn’t mean to snap. I need you to trust that I’ll tell you if I’m not. Okay?”

  “Alright, Gorgeous.” He doesn’t get upset or lash out at me which is relieving. “Come on, I’ll help you, let me just move Thor so Wren doesn’t bump us again.” Owen unties Thor and moves him back out of Wren’s reach; I move to his side and gather the reins in my left hand on the saddle horn and put my right hand on the rear cantle. I slide my left foot into the stirrup and Owen helps hoist me up with his hands under my right foot, once I’ve got my upper body above the saddle, I swing my right leg over and gently sit in the seat of the saddle. My right foot finds the stirrup on that side and I check that they’re the correct length by standing. They feel good, so I sit back in the seat and gather the reins in both hands.

  “How does the length feel? The seat size?” Owen makes sure I’m comfortable before he moves away.

  “It’s perfect, actually. Almost like this was just for me.” It does seem like this saddle was made for me, making me highly suspicious that he might have done just that.

  “I like to keep several saddles on hand just in case one of the other guys want to ride, other than Heath.” Sure, he does.

  “Does that happen often?” I watch with avid fascination as Owen swings his trim body up into the saddle.

  “Flynn likes to ride more than Silas and Kyle, but they all do, even Sara before she got pregnant.” Well, crap. He’s got me there, I let my suspicions go, for now. My original question about his wealth is long forgotten and I follow Owen as he guides Wren along a path to a huge paddock.

  “Let’s start with a walk, I don’t want to go too quickly until you’ve gotten into the swing of Thor and his disposition.” Owen’s trying to coddle me and I’m not having it right now. Thor must sense my mischievousness because I feel him get alert and his ears swivel back toward me. I signal him into a gentle canter letting out a loud whoop!