Something Honorable (Dirty Southern Secrets Book 2)

by J. L. Leslie

And I can’t bear it.

  “Helene, I’m not saying we should try right away. I’m only letting you know that when you are ready, I will be ready with you,” he explains. “If that’s in two weeks when –”

  “Two weeks?” I cut him off. “Are you serious right now?”

  “Dr. Newlin said we could have sex again in two weeks, or whenever you stop bleeding from the miscarriage, so I only meant that if that was when you wanted to try again, we would do whatever you wanted,” he replies, his face apologetic.

  “Is that all you think about?” I yell at him. “If sex is all you’re worried about, then go screw Abby or Cindy or whoever else you can find!”

  Tauren touches my arm, and I slap his hand away. “Baby, I don’t want anyone else. I thought I made that clear when I said my vows yesterday.”

  “We both know you only said those vows because I was pregnant,” I say. “You thought you were doing the honorable thing, right? Well, look at where that got us! God doesn’t want us to be together, Tauren! I think he’s made that pretty clear!”

  “Baby, you’re upset, and I get that.”

  “Yes, I’m upset!” I scream, throwing my arms up in frustration. “We lied about our relationship, had pre-marital sex, and got pregnant! We have done everything wrong, and we are being punished for it!”

  “We’re being tested, Helene, not punished,” he argues.

  “You don’t really believe that, and neither do I,” I state and turn, going into the house.

  I go back to his bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind me, before crawling back onto his bed. Running and hiding from him is the coward’s way, but right now, it’s the only thing I know to do.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Tauren

  I wasn’t surprised when Helene declined my offer to come with me to get her things from Jenna’s house. She didn’t even open the door to tell me she didn’t want to go, simply answered with a muffled “no.”

  “She’ll get through this,” Jenna promises me, helping me box Helene’s belongings. “You both will.”

  “Mama thinks we should ask the church for prayers. Officially announce what happened and all that, but I can’t stomach the thought of asking that smug motherfucker for anything.”

  “I assume you mean Pastor Jacobs and not God,” Jenna comments.

  “He wouldn’t even come to his own daughter’s wedding. Asking the church for prayers is the same thing as asking him for prayer, and I don’t want to do that,” I tell her. “Shit, the church should be praying for us without us asking anyway.”

  “I’m sure they are.”

  I carry a few boxes out, Jenna toting one herself, and come back inside to finish up. It really doesn’t take us all that long. Helene didn’t have a lot of things to move over here in the first place.

  “Your mama wants everyone to come to supper tonight,” Jenna says. “You think Helene will feel up to it?”

  “I doubt it. She hasn’t left our room since yesterday morning,” I answer. “She didn’t go to class today, which I didn’t expect her to, but she hasn’t even come out to eat.”

  “I can’t imagine how she feels.”

  “It doesn’t seem real,” I admit. “We were finally getting started with our life together, and now it’s all fucked.”

  “Take it one day at a time, Tauren. Things will start getting back to normal.”

  I take her word for it because if I don’t hold onto hope that Helene and I will get through this, then I won’t have anything to hold onto. I have to cling to the idea that this will get better. That it’s only a speed bump on our journey.

  We finish up, and my car is loaded down. I thank Jenna for helping, knowing she was tired from work, and let her know I’ll do what I can to get Helene to supper tonight.

  When I get back home, I unload all of Helene’s things. She doesn’t even come out to unpack and won’t unlock the door for me to bring the boxes into our room. I place them in the corner of the living room, hoping she will venture out soon and will want to put her things away. I do take one thing out of the box that I know she would love and hope it will make her feel better. I hang her mama’s dreamcatcher on our bedroom door.

  I kill some time working on my race car in the garage, opting to give Helene space. Not sure if it’s what she really needs, but she doesn’t seem to be able to stand the sight of me, which breaks my fucking heart.

  I lie to myself while I change the oil. I tell myself I’m only imagining her distance. The way she shrinks away from my touch is all in my head. I lie and tell myself these things because facing the truth is not an option.

  Helene

  The doorknob shimmies before I hear Tauren knocking. I lay there, wrapped in his sheets, pretending that I don’t hear him. I have been in this exact same spot all day. Not moving. Barely breathing.

  “Helene, I need to get in there!” he calls out, and I hear him mumble a curse.

  Reluctantly, I get out of the bed and go open the door. Tauren stands there, a towel around his waist, water dripping from his hair down his bare chest. If I were the type to use sex as an escape, I would find that escape in him. In my husband.

  But I’m not that person and sex will not solve anything.

  Tauren steps past me, brushing against me as he does, and I shudder from his touch. I have always reacted this way to him, but now there’s a small part of me that tells me it’s wrong. That the way I feel about him, the way I have always felt about him, is wrong.

  “Mama wants us to come eat supper tonight,” Tauren says, breaking my thoughts. “I would like for you to come if you’re up to it.”

  “I, um, I’m not sure.”

  I can hardly get the words out because my attention is drawn to his naked body. He’s getting dressed, but his bare behind is on full view a few moments before he pulls his boxer briefs up and then steps into a pair of cargo shorts.

  He slips a t-shirt on, tugging it down his chest as he walks over to me. He attempts to kiss me, but I turn my head, causing his lips to land on my cheek. I can see the pain that move caused written all over his face.

  “We have to try to keep going, Helene,” he whispers sadly, and then walks out of the room. “Keep putting one foot in front of the other.”

  I know he’s right, but I don’t want to keep going. What if I forget about her? I never saw her, never held her. What if she fades from my memory each day that I go on without her?

  Then, I ask myself if I’m dishonoring her memory by behaving like this. If I were still pregnant, I would not be lying around, shutting the world out. I would be living my life, excited about being married, and having a baby.

  I grab my suitcase and find a soft, cotton sundress to put on. Something simple and comfortable. I run a brush through my hair and brush my teeth, God knows they need it.

  Tauren is sitting on the couch playing a video game when I emerge looking for a pair of sandals or flip-flops. I opt for the flip-flops.

  “You’re going?” he asks, surprised.

  “Yes, I’ll go.”

  He doesn’t waste any time turning the game console off. Once outside, he opens the passenger door for me. The short ride to his parent’s house is in silence until we arrive, and I notice other vehicles.

  “I thought it was only us coming for supper,” I say.

  “My brothers too,” he replies and gets out of the car before I can protest.

  I wasn’t expecting to be here with a group of people, but I get out of the car and trudge inside. Kaler, Jenna, Willow, and Kipton are here, and they are all in the kitchen. Angie and Neil are setting the table, and everyone is laughing and talking. I start to back away but Tauren’s firm hand at the base of my back stops me.

  “There’s our newlyweds!” Neil calls out in a welcoming tone.

  Angie and Neil both approach us, hugging us and telling us they love us. Angie lingers with me, her arms holding me tight. She promises me everything will be okay. That in time, I will be fine. Not to give up.r />
  “Thank you,” I murmur.

  Tauren leads me to the table, and I sit down beside him. I try to tune out as much of the conversation as I can, desperate to be alone again. Even when Kaler and Jenna announce they were married weeks ago, I hardly register it.

  “Did you know about this?” Tauren leans over and asks me.

  “Oh, um, yes. I found out Saturday.”

  Everyone focuses on the news, and I’m grateful. No one asks us about our honeymoon or the miscarriage. No one asks if we have plans to try again. They simply let us sit there and enjoy our supper. Tauren digging in with gusto while I only pick at the food, eating a few bites here and there.

  When we’re all finished up and calling it a night, Angie and Neil inform us they have a surprise for us. A wedding gift.

  Inwardly, I’m groaning. Our wedding might have been the best day of my life, but it was immediately followed by one of the worst.

  “It’s not all that nice, but you can trade it in if you want,” Neil explains, leading us to the back yard. “It does run really good though, Helene. A/C and heat works as well as the CD player.”

  I stare in disbelief at the black Nissan Maxima. “You got me a car?”

  “Yes, sweetheart,” Angie confirms. “We got you a car.”

  I look at Tauren. “Did you know about this?” I ask him the same question he asked me only an hour ago.

  He shrugs. “I found out Saturday.”

  Neil hands me the keys, and I go sit in the car. My car. I remember feeling as though part of my freedom was taken from me when my daddy took my car away. The stress I felt at having to constantly worry about transportation.

  “One foot in front of the other, baby,” Tauren smiles.

  I’ll give it a try.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Tauren

  I had no expectations or dreams about what being married would be like because it was never my intention to take that step. I didn’t sit around as a kid or teenager and ever think of what my future wife would be like or imagine the type of husband I would be. I doubt there are very many men who do this.

  When I asked Helene to marry me, I didn’t think too far into the future. Planning it all out did not cross my mind. I threw together our wedding and figured we would make all other important decisions later because in my eyes, they weren’t all that damn important.

  I didn’t give a shit about how much it would cost to add her to my health insurance or if she wanted to be on my bank account or have her own instead. It did not matter to me if she wanted to redecorate my house with all of her things or buy a new place. Those decisions were insignificant because I knew that I would allow her to make those decisions.

  What I never expected was for my wife to essentially be my roommate. To live in the same house with me, but barely speak a word to me. When we returned home from my parent’s house, she unpacked her things, not allowing me to help her. She told me she was going to try to move on.

  She woke up the next morning and went to class. Resumed her normal schedule like everything was exactly that, normal. I went to work only because I couldn’t bear to be alone but falling into our normal routines hasn’t helped. We are like strangers, and the more time that passes, the gulf between us grows and grows.

  My mama has cooked for us each night the past two weeks, bringing us supper, but I haven’t seen Helene eat a bite of it. She’s lost weight, and I can’t mention anything to her about it for fear she will completely shut me out. At least, for now, she still lives in my house. If you can even call it living.

  I thought we had some sort of breakthrough the night we were at my parents. She was happy when they gave her the car. She started making an effort to move on, put the miscarriage behind us.

  I thought her going back to school and work was going to help, but when she’s at home, she’s in our room with the door closed and locked. I’ve been sleeping on the couch, managing to only get a couple of hours sleep here and there. I suppose it’s a good thing that we’re sleeping apart. Then she can’t see me breaking down each night.

  Her grandparents call, and she speaks to them, making it sound as though we’re the happiest newlyweds who have ever walked this fucking planet. My brothers have come over, Jenna and Willow too, doing the best they can to cheer us up. It’s easy for us both to plaster a smile on our faces in front of everyone. I can pretend right along with Helene. It’s when we’re alone that the masks are removed. We stop pretending.

  “I know your car is fine, so what the hell was that?” Kaler asks, approaching my side. I take my helmet off, so lost in my thoughts that I’m unsure how long I’ve even been sitting here.

  “Can’t focus,” I admit, climbing out of my car.

  “You shouldn’t race tonight,” Kipton states. “Take another weekend off.”

  I toss my helmet onto the seat. “I need to race!” I yell, unwilling to allow another weekend to go by without being out on the track.

  I need some semblance of fucking normalcy in my life and racing is it. I have no idea how to get my wife to speak to me, how to pull her out this self-induced hell she’s in. We are both fucking drowning and can’t seem to find the shore.

  “You’re starting the race in sixth place, so you have an uphill battle to get into first,” Kaler says, glancing over at Kipton. “Moulder is riding that Camaro hard, and he’s taken first place both Friday and Saturday night the past two weekends.”

  “Yeah? Well, I’ve had a lot going on,” I grumble.

  News of our miscarriage spread through town, like we knew it would, but not like a wildfire. It was actually done with grace. No one has hounded us, questioned us about anything. It was a devastating thing that happened and everyone, for the most part, has offered their condolences.

  Everyone except Helene’s daddy and his piece of shit sidekick that I’m racing against tonight. Only silence from the two of them.

  “Where’s Helene tonight?” Kipton questions me, and I glare at him.

  We might have put on a good show when they were at our house, but he could always see right through me. Right through the bullshit.

  “Where’s Brynn?” I counter, and Kaler looks back and forth between us.

  “What the hell does Brynn have to do with where your wife is?” he asks, and I notice Kipton’s jaw tick.

  “Nothing,” I answer. “Helene is at work.”

  I assume that’s where she is anyway. When I left, she was locked in our room, but as far as I know, she was going to work at seven.

  “Maybe the two of you need a weekend away,” Kipton suggests. “She’s working all the time, and you’re throwing yourself into your car and driving like a fucking maniac.”

  “A weekend away? What a great idea! Because our last weekend away went so well, you know, with us having a miscarriage!” I rage, slamming my hands onto the hood of my car.

  “If you want to kill yourself out there on that track, then be my guest, but your wife needs you!” Kipton yells, giving me a hard shove. “Get your shit together!”

  He stomps off, and Kaler follows behind him. I climb back into my car, sitting there with my helmet in my lap. I can’t lose racing too. I won’t have anything left.

  Day thirteen of being a newlywed.

  Completely lost.

  Helene

  My first night working at Happy’s my cheeks were hurting from smiling so much. I don’t have that problem tonight and haven’t since I started back. People are still tipping me though, and I’m aware that it’s out of pity. I can see it on their faces.

  The majority of them look at me with this sadness, knowing that I’ve lost a child. Then there are others who look at me with pity, believing that I’m in a loveless marriage that only took place because I was pregnant. They wonder how long it will be before I’m divorced. I wonder the same thing.

  We are simply co-existing in the same home. We don’t share meals together. Don’t sleep in the same bed. We hardly even speak to each other.

 
When I go into his room, I lock the door behind me. I don’t want him to see me crying. I don’t want him to see how devastated I am when he appears to be so strong. I can’t move on from this loss as easily as he has, and I don’t want to bring him down.

  I promised myself I would start living again, taking it one day at a time. I’m doing that as best as I can. I go to class and work, following my usual routine. The only thing I can’t form a routine on is my marriage.

  The physical evidence of the miscarriage is gone. I’m no longer bleeding, and essentially, I can resume all normal activities. Only nothing about my life is normal anymore. My happiness was snatched away in a matter of moments, and I can’t get it back.

  Being here each night, seeing everyone smiling and laughing when I walk away, it makes me wonder if I’ll ever smile and laugh again. I watch the crowd and then take a break, heading back to the bathrooms. When I turn the corner, I run into Deputy Moulder.

  “Helene, it’s good to see you,” he says.

  He’s in a racing suit, and I can’t recall if I knew that he was racing at Down ‘n’ Dirty or not. The last time I was really around Deputy Moulder was when he and my daddy were beating the crap out of Tauren.

  “Please, excuse me,” I tell him and attempt to move past him.

  He puts his hand on my shoulder. “Your daddy misses you. He wants to see you, Helene.”

  “I highly doubt that.”

  “He heard about what happened with your baby,” he lets me know. “He wants to help you get through that. Pray with you.”

  “My daddy hasn’t contacted me in quite a while. He made it clear that he had nothing else to say to me. That he no longer considers me his daughter.”

  “Helene, he cares about you,” he replies, cupping my cheek with his hand. “And so do I.”

  Before I can respond, Deputy Moulder is shoved away from me, his body slammed into the wall. Tauren grips the lapels of his racing suit, his own suit stripped down to his waist, the sleeves tied.

  “That is my wife!” he rages.