The Undead Love Toys, Toys, Toys!

by Sam Alexander

a stockyard where cattle get slaughtered, the modern big box store is designed with long, straight, tall aisles. It is a very efficient way to move shoppers from one fantastic sales item to the next fantastic sales item. It’s not so great for side to side movement, which is critical when I’m fighting the zees.

  It doesn’t take long and the zees have spotted me. Next thing you need to know about the undead: They have two speeds – slow and shuffle. Thank God (or Allah, or Buddha, or Vishnu, or Flying Spaghetti Monster, or whatever Supreme Being allows stinking, undead corpses to roam the earth) for that. If zombies stayed super fast runners like when they are first infected, we’d all be toast.

  Anyway, these zees are in the shuffle mode. This wouldn’t be such a problem, but these aisles really mess up my rhythm. I beat feet to the back of the store, it’s darker, but it’s clear for the time being. I turn left and start to high step over some knocked down shelves. The shelves, boxes and toys are hard to get over and slow me down a bit, but they slow Zeke down even more. My plan is to make a lot of noise back here, then double around and escape through the front.

  It is not a bad plan, all things considered. To beat a zombie you must think like a zombie, which is to say, don’t think that they’re going to think. Zombie Fun Fact: Zombies are dumb. Like, dumb as a rock. On the downside, it’s impossible to scare them off. I could kill a hundred zombies, but that one hundred and first zee would still not get the hint and keep coming for me. On the plus side, the zombies would not think to leave some other zees behind to cover the exit. That just ain’t where the food is. The food is at the back of the store, carrying two dolls, a hammer and a flashlight.

  So, I make it over the shelves and head up another aisle to double back. I’m halfway up the aisle when three zees block my path. I stop and turn in time to see two more following me. Dang! How many zombies did they trap in here?

  Since two is less than three, I double back and make for the two following me. Here’s another thing about zombies: They’re sad and disgusting at the same time. The sad part is that I know that every single one of them used to be a living, breathing person and didn’t choose to be undead. They’re disgusting because, well, basically they’re a walking, moaning corpse. Most have bite marks, cuts, gouges, gashes, slashes, missing arms, legs, ears, noses, jaws. Have I mentioned the brown ooze? No? It’s really just...fantastic.

  The two I’m about to hammer smash were probably originally in their thirties. A man and a woman, maybe they knew each other before, maybe not. Probably not. Neither is really big or anything, which is always nice. The woman is slightly ahead of the man. She’s wearing sweat pants and a sweat shirt. The lower half of her jaw is gone, which is yucky, but at least she can’t bite. She can still infected me with her fingernails or her upper teeth, but I’ll take every advantage I can get.

  I move on her, set my feet and swing. I think that turning into a walking corpse messes up their bone density or something. When my hammer hits the top of her head, her skull makes a “smush” sound. Normally, I’d expect a “crack”, but not with a zee, they smush.

  Anyway, it’s a pretty good hit. Clean, dropped her quick and I got my hammer back easy. If I swing too hard, Super Hammer plants too deep and it’s hard to pry out. If I swing too light, the zee doesn’t drop and I have to waste energy by swinging again. So, I’ve learned to swing just right. It’s an art.

  Making sure not to slip in the brown ooze that is seeping out of her head, I step slid to the dude zombie. He looks like a classic horror movie zombie. Dark suit, white shirt, dark tie, black frame glasses with a big chunk of flesh taken out of his neck, making his head tilt to one side. Classic. I don’t have time to stand around for Zombie Appreciation Day though. Not when Super Hammer has work to do. Swing, smush, drop. Zoom, I’m through! Still three zees are behind me, so no time for a touchdown dance.

  Okay, that aisle was out. Cool. No sweat. I’m not standing still, I can tell you that. Left didn’t work, so I try right. I trot around the back end of the store again. It’s clear of zombies, but I know that they are close. Still a lot of them between me and the front. No big deal. I’ll find a way out.

  Another aisle, sporting goods. The aluminum baseball bats look pretty good. I make a mental note to try to pick some up if I ever get back this way. A good bat is worth a lot these days.

  I trot up towards the front and am blocked again by zombies. Pretty large group this time. Six? Seven? Can’t tell for sure from the flashlight, but more than I like, I can see that.

  I turn and run back to the back end of the aisle. I normally always (always!) pay attention at intersections. At this particular intersection, I did not. That’s when Big Freakin’ Zombie grabs me. When they’re close, they can reach out quick. Once they get a hand on you, their grip is strong. BFZ grabs me by my backpack and my feet fly out from under me. BFZ is right on top of me and did I mention that he’s big? Yeah, like six five or something and heavy. This guy ate a lot of burgers before he died, I can tell you.

  I roll out of my backpack as he lunges down to take his first bite. I leave the book bag with him and scramble away. I get back on my feet and turn to face him. Normally, at this part of the confrontation, I just run away. I’m outnumbered, maybe surrounded, and I still haven’t found my way out. But the reasons why I am there in the first place are in that book bag, and I am not leaving without them.

  I spin on BFZ as he lunges for me, backpack in his right hand. Over his shoulder I see more zees coming up at a quick shuffle. I had to move. BFZ moves on me, a wheezing, stinking growl escaping from his mouth. I let loose with a full, overhead swing with Super Hammer and bury it in his forehead. BFZ drops and I grab my backpack. Getting Super Hammer back takes a few extra tugs, which gives the zees behind BFZ more time to move on me. I get Super Hammer back just in time to use it to pop the lead one in the face. Didn’t stop it for good, but I slow it down long enough for me to get away.

  I run away, slipping the book bag back on as I go. The front of the store just isn’t working out. I don’t want to do it, but I have to look for an exit in the back. The back store room probably has a door, but it is probably heavy and locked. I have to check. I’m not feeling too good about this whole situation. I run to the storeroom and almost enter when the door opens and a couple zombies come out to greet me. Crap! More zees follow them as I veer left.

  So, zees behind me, zees to my left and zees to the right. Really, this is about as bad as it gets. Actually, if they catch me, it’ll be a bit worse. I jigged right as a small one closes in on me. A boy about my age. He looks familiar. Old classmate? Maybe. Set, swing, smoosh! The zombie kid drops and I keep moving.

  I come to an area of knocked over shelves and start high stepping over them. That slows me down more than I like, but I need to get to an outside wall. The undead moans are getting really loud. They know that they are going to eat soon and they are getting excited. I’m getting scared, I admit it. Panic is sort of bubbling up, but I push it back down. I have to find a way out and the only way to do that is to keep following the wall.

  The zombies are stumbling over the knocked over shelves. They’re getting closer and closer. I keep moving along the wall and swing Super Hammer whenever one gets too close. A lot of them are getting too close. I am about five seconds away from getting swarmed when my flashlight beam shows me the most wonderful sight in the world: A metal door, painted red. EMERGENCY EXIT ONLY! ALARM WILL SOUND! This does seem like an emergency. I push on that big, beautiful red lever and bright sunlight blazes through. The alarm does not sound. I run through and put my shoulder onto the other side of the door to keep the zees from following me. It clicked closed as a zombie thuds against it.

  I run to my bike. It won’t take long for one of the zees to get lucky and randomly hit that big red lever on their own. My bike was where I left it. I fumble with the lock and hop on. I can
see a dozen more zombies are about a hundred yards away, heading toward me. The moans from inside the toy store must have attracted them. I pump on those bike pedals like my life depends on it, which of course, it does. Soon I am up to top speed and no walker was going to catch me.

  The wind blows against my face and the sun makes me squint. I have the dolls on my back and with every pump of my legs I am getting closer to the compound, closer to home. I head south, to the river, to the Trolls, past the Librarians and the train tracks. It’s time to see my sister, time to face Mrs. Miller. Time to go home.

  It feels great to be alive.

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