Shelter Me Home

by T. S. Joyce

  At a gesture, she turned slowly to find Miles sitting on the porch swing. His muddy eyes, ones she once thought so alluring, searched her face questioningly. His hair was cropped short to ease his receding hairline, and he looked older, more tired than when she’d left New York. Without a word, she shoved her way past Erin.

  “Did you see that?” the atrocious woman asked. “She laid hands on me, too!”

  Gasping for breath that didn’t want to come from lungs frozen in shock, she jogged for the door to the root cellar and climbed down. It was dark, and she pulled the string that turned on the swaying light bulb.

  “Dodge,” she whispered. “It’s me, Farrah.”

  A whimper sounded from the corner, and she stepped around a crate of sawdust and potatoes.

  He sat huddled in on himself, arms wrapped tightly around his middle like armor.

  “Oh Dodge,” she said, dropping to her knees. “It’s okay, buddy.”

  He jumped into her arms and sobbed. “Mommy scared me.”

  “How, baby?”

  “She broke your house and yelled at me.”

  “So you came down here because you knew she wouldn’t try to find you here?”

  “Yes.” His answer came out so softly, she could barely make it out.

  For long minutes, she sat there holding him until he was cried out. She had to let Aanon know he was okay before he worried himself into a frenzy, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave Dodge in the dark, cold root cellar.

  “Guess what?” she asked.

  “What?”

  “Daddy is here. And he wouldn’t ever let anything happen to you. Right?”

  Dodge nodded.

  “So I think we should go tell him you’re okay because he’s very worried.”

  Another nod, and he slid his tiny hand into hers as she stood. She led him through the back entrance that took them outside and called for Aanon as soon as she hit fresh air.

  “Did you find him?” he called.

  “Yes. He’s okay.”

  When he reached them, he slid the last couple of feet on his knees and hugged Dodge to his chest. “Son, you scared me so bad. Don’t ever hide like that from us again, okay?”

  “Aanon,” she warned. “He’s afraid of Erin. He hid there so she wouldn’t find him. Apparently, he saw her trash the cattleman’s cabin, and she was yelling at him while she did it.”

  Aanon just stared at her like he didn’t understand the words coming from her mouth. Slowly, life returned to his eyes, and he asked Dodge if it was true.

  Dodge nodded and gave a brave attempt at stifling a second round of tears.

  “Go help Ms. Farrah clean up her clothes by the cabin, and I’m going to go talk to Momma, okay?”

  His little lip trembled, threatening to break Farrah’s heart, but he nodded. Brave little man, so much like his father.

  She and Dodge piled the strewn, snow-dusted clothing into the big suitcase. One of the wheels was busted off, and the word whore was scribbled across the front in her favorite color of pink lipstick. She sent a silent thank you into the clouds that the little boy was too young to read. Aanon’s deep and muffled voice could be heard from the porch, and Erin shrieked a lot, but Farrah did her best to hurry Dodge inside so he didn’t have to hear the poison his mother was spewing.

  Miles let himself in as she lit the wood burning stove.

  “I didn’t want to see you like this,” he said, gesturing to the big house. “I didn’t know what that woman was about. She called and told me where you were, said you needed help. I never meant for any of this to happen. I didn’t know I was part of some big elaborate plan to hurt you. I was just worried about you. About the baby.”

  She pulled a disheveled blanket from the floor and wrapped it around Dodge’s shaking shoulders. “What do you want from me?”

  “I want you to move back to New York. Let me put you up in a nice place and take care of you and my child. I’ll pay for everything, Farrah. You won’t have to work until you want to. Or you could stay at home with the baby even.”

  “Her. You can call the baby her.”

  “A girl?” A flash of something hard crossed his features. “That’s okay, my offer still stands.”

  “Your offer for me to be your kept woman? Would your wife ever know about our daughter?”

  “Farrah, please.”

  “Would she?”

  His dark eyes were stern, serious. “No.”

  “She could have a life here.”

  “Here?” Bitterness touched his voice. “With the animals? Do you even have running water? Is there a hospital within a hundred miles of here? I cannot even fathom where you’re going to have this child when the time comes. I drove through town. There’s nothing there Farrah! This is no place for you or my child. You chose wrong.”

  Sniffing, she nodded her head slowly. “Yes, I did.” How could she not have seen how wrong he was for her when they were together? He stood for nothing she needed in a man. She couldn’t blame it on the absence of a father figure, showing her what to look for. He’d made the decision not to be part of her life, and she’d accepted that a long time ago. It was on her to choose to be with a man who cared for her above himself. Good grief, even a man who respected her at all would’ve been a better option than Miles.

  Erin’s obnoxious voice grew louder, and the door crashed open. “I have demands if you ever want to see your son again,” she finished.

  Aanon brushed past her and stood in front of Dodge. When he did a double take at Miles, Farrah muttered, “Aanon, Miles. Miles, Aanon.”

  Aanon dropped his face into his hands and rubbed his eyes like he hadn’t slept in days. “Jesus, Erin.”

  “Yeah, I called him. So what? Your ex needs a ride into town and plane fare. And I’m not paying for that shit. Her baby daddy is responsible for that business.”

  “Wow,” Miles muttered.

  “Here’s how this is going down. I’m moving into the big house with Aanon. And Dodge, of course. You”—she jabbed a finger at Farrah—“are evicted, effective immediately. I don’t want you around me or my son. She pushed me, Aanon. You should be defending me right now.”

  Farrah shrugged unapologetically when Aanon looked at her. She would’ve claw-slapped her angry face if she hadn’t been in such a hurry to find Dodge.

  “I’m glad you called the police. I’m going to file assault charges. You’ll be having your baby in prison if you don’t get off my property. Right now!”

  “Yeah, that would never hold,” Miles said. “I’m a lawyer. I’d know.”

  Erin’s mouth opened and shut like a landed salmon.

  “Really, none of what you’ve said would.” He swung a tired gaze to Aanon. “Empty threats, I’m afraid. I can get you primary custody of your son just based on what I’ve personally seen and heard in the last four hours. She hit him with flying debris on multiple occasions during her psychotic tirade on your house, and she cursed out your son for being just like his father. The kid didn’t even act like it was an abnormal occurrence.”

  Aanon looked sick as he shook his head. “Erin, tell me that’s not true.”

  She crossed her arms and arched her perfectly plucked eyebrow. “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present.”

  “Have you filed for a custody hearing yet?” he asked Aanon.

  “I did,” Erin replied.

  Miles narrowed his eyes at the interruption but ignored her. “Judges don’t like taking children from their mothers without good cause. That’s where it’s going to get sticky unless you have a good lawyer. Do you?”

  “Can’t afford one,” Aanon said low. “I pay everything I make to Erin so she can take care of Dodge.”

  Miles’s empty glare landed on Farrah, but his words were for Aanon. “I’ll hire the best lawyer in Anchorage to fight for full custody of your son.”

  Aanon followed his gaze to her and frowned. Suspiciously, he asked, “What’s the catch?”

  “Farrah seem
s to care for you and the boy. I’ll pay all the fees, every penny of them, if she comes back to New York with me so I can be close to my child.”

  Farrah gasped, and Aanon shook his head. “No,” he said. “Absolutely not. I don’t want that. I’ll sell this place and afford the lawyer myself.”

  “Wait,” Erin said. “This isn’t how this is supposed to go. Dodge is mine, not yours.”

  “He’s more than a game piece, Erin,” Farrah whispered as the first threads of defeat stretched for her heart. If she gave in, Dodge would be safe. Aanon could have his son and be free to live his life. He could keep the homestead and give it to Dodge when he was old enough to run it. She closed her eyes and absorbed the visions of Aanon teaching him how to run cattle and fix fencing. They could have it all if she made this sacrifice.

  “I want you to sign a contract and hire a lawyer before we board the plane,” Farrah said in a strangled voice.

  “Done.”

  “No!” Aanon said. “This isn’t done. I don’t want this. Farrah,” he said, pleading. “Don’t leave. Don’t go back with him. Stay here with me. We’ll find another way.”

  “What other way? She’ll take you to court before you’re ready.” She dragged her eyes to Dodge where fear pooled in the little boy’s eyes, and she couldn’t stand it. “I can’t stay here and risk him being taken from you. This place is amazing, Aanon. If I stayed and you sold it, it would be the greatest tragedy. One I’d never forgive myself for.” Siren’s sounded in the distance and Farrah inhaled a burning breath. “It’s what I want. It’ll be better if my child knows her father, and she can’t know him from here.”

  Because they were lies, the words created little embers in the pit of her stomach. Her child would be just fine not knowing Miles. She’d always be shamed and hidden, the secret daughter of a powerful man’s mistress. Farrah would have to make up for Miles’s inadequacies.

  The cabin grew quiet, and she left before she drowned in the sorrow of Aanon’s gaze.

  An hour later, after the reports were filled out and the sheriff satisfied, she loaded up her suitcase into Miles’s rental car and bit her lips against the tears that filled her eyes. She smiled at Dodge and waved as Miles pulled away. Aanon knelt by Luna, holding her pink collar so she wouldn’t follow, and she barked uncontrollably as they passed. It was Aanon’s face that would haunt her all her days, though. She’d never seen him cry, but a tear had slipped his cheek just before she turned away.

  Winter trees, bare of their leaves, and evergreens passed, and she tried to remember every one. It was the last time she would see this road.

  Thickly, she said, “I won’t ever be yours to keep. All I want from you is what you promised. Pay for Aanon’s lawyer and get him custody of his child. Other than that, I don’t want anything, just like I told you before. I don’t want an apartment or for you to pay my bills. I’m nobody’s secret.”

  “How do you plan on raising a child with no money?”

  “I’ll work and provide for us, just like I was going to do here.” Her imaginings wavered like a mirage and disappeared entirely. She wouldn’t be raising the baby in Cooper Landing alongside the people she’d grown to love. At the new absence of her dreams, her chest hurt, as if someone were standing atop it. A sob burst from her throat, and warm tears fell from her damp eyelashes as she doubled over from the pain of her loss.

  “Hey, it’s not so bad,” Miles said. “It’s just a place, Farrah. You can do better than living on some hippie commune.”

  “You’re wrong,” she said, gasping for air. “There’s no better place. That back there? That piece of land was my only chance at happiness. Real happiness—the kind people search their whole lives for.” Oh, what was the point in explaining it to someone who was incapable of satisfaction?

  In town, she begged him to stop at Briney’s. The man had given her a job when she so desperately needed one and had offered her trust at running his bar. She couldn’t just leave without saying goodbye, and when she returned to the SUV with the fancy tires and rental plates, she wiped her eyes and told Miles she was ready. He wouldn’t see any more of her tears. They didn’t mean anything to him, so he wasn’t invited to share that part of her life anymore.

  No one would be allowed to share her worry ever again.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Three Months Later

  The walls of Farrah’s one bedroom apartment were bare and boring. Beige colored every surface, but she couldn’t bring herself to decorate or paint. It didn’t feel like home, so what was the point?

  All of the lights were turned off except for one lonely bulb that illuminated the kitchen as she waited. Worrying the hem of her coat, she shifted her weight and wished for the tenth time that day that she could see her feet.

  Oleanna. That’s what she’d write on the birth certificate when she finally got to lay eyes on her precious daughter. She’d found it in a Norwegian name book and thought it beautiful, perfect. If she couldn’t have a life with Aanon, she’d honor his kindness by gifting her child with a name like his.

  The cell phone she gripped trilled, and she accepted the call. It was Miles. Besides a few acquaintances she sometimes met up with for lunch, he was the only one who had the number.

  “I’m downstairs,” he said.

  “I’ll be right there.”

  The building was old and didn’t have a working elevator, so she made her way carefully down three flights of stairs. Miles tapped his foot impatiently as he waited at the bottom.

  “How much longer,” he asked, staring at her belly.

  “I’m full term next week, so then Oleanna could come at any time.”

  “I still think we need to talk about her name.”

  “You talk, I’ll listen,” she said, gifting him with a very fuck you expression.

  “Mmm,” he said as he offered his arm to escort her to the car he had waiting out front. “You look huge.”

  This night was already starting to exhaust her. “I think you meant fantastic. You look fantastic, Farrah.”

  “I mean…” He backtracked. “I’m just not used to you looking so…round. You don’t look bad, just…bigger. They say with the first baby, you’ll lose the weight easy, though.”

  “Stop. Miles, I’ve gained eighteen pounds, not a hundred. The doctor has been encouraging me to gain more. Can we stop talking about my weight?”

  “Fine,” he muttered. “What do you want to talk about?”

  She inhaled the city smog and pursed her lips. “You know.”

  “Oh, no.” He opened the car door for her and helped her in. “If I tell you about the court hearing too soon, you’ll shut down on me just like every other time I mentioned him. I don’t want to have another uncomfortable dinner. Just be patient.”

  She sighed miserably as she buckled the safety belt. Her entire life revolved around patience. Be patient with the customers at her job at the phone bank. Be patient with the pregnancy jokes and whistles from chortling passersby. Patiently wait for Oleanna to arrive. But the worst of all was waiting for news of Aanon. It was her only lifeline to the man she loved. She wouldn’t torture him with phone calls or letters. She was stuck in New York, and she’d never ask him to leave Cooper Landing to inhabit a place neither one of them belonged. The city was an iron cage for creatures like Aanon.

  But she had this. Miles took her out to dinner once a month and filled her in on what Aanon’s lawyer told him about his custody hearings. She’d counted down the days since last month.

  The car ride into the heart of the city was quiet, heavily so. Miles didn’t force conversation or try to hold her hand. That wasn’t their relationship anymore. No feelings lingered between them. They were friends, and that only out of necessity. If there wasn’t a baby between them, she doubted he’d even wave if he passed her on the street.

  It was the beginning of March, and rain drops dotted the window, casting tiny prisms as the city lights passed. If she squinted, she could see miniature replicas of
shops in the watery globes as they drove by.

  She smiled at the valet and followed Miles inside. When they were seated, he asked, “How’s work?”

  To soothe her impatience, she sipped water and then gave him an empty smile. “Wanda got fired for boning the boss and telling his wife about it. Ricky got promoted in her place. I was promised a raise if I return after my maternity leave, and Rhonda has foot fungus. She told me over lunch yesterday.” The discussion still made her want to gag.

  By the look on Miles’s face, he had similar feelings. He inhaled deeply and mirrored her vacant smile. “Fantastic.”

  Well, he’d asked.

  She ordered grilled chicken and creamed spinach, and she forewarned him she was going to inhale a desert and to not make snide comments. It wouldn’t help. He’d do it anyway, but at least she’d warned him so she couldn’t be held responsible for verbally filleting him while they waited for the valet to bring the car around. It was becoming tradition, and it was clear Miles didn’t really learn from past transgressions. That he simply didn’t care was more likely.

  When she’d finished her meal, she set the silverware down, perfectly aligned with her plate, and waited with her hands clasped in her lap.

  He made a show of slowly chewing the last few bites of food, and then put his napkin over his empty plate.

  “He won.” Those two words, so simple, so important, so vital to what she’d sacrificed her happiness for. He. Won. Dodge was Aanon’s to raise.

  “Primary custody?”

  “The boy testified in a meeting with a social worker and the judge. It seems Erin had been doing a lot of unsavory things in front of him.”

  She swallowed hard as tears stung her eyes. Poor Dodge had to sit in front of a room full of strangers and tell them about the things that had frightened him. He was so young, so small. She wanted desperately to hug him and make up for Erin’s shortcomings.

  “Was Aanon happy?” Her voice was choked with emotion.

  “How would I know that, Farrah? Was he happy? I imagine so.”

  Her nails dug into the palms of her hands until they hurt, but she smiled and nodded. “Thank you for the information,” she said robotically.