The Keeping Score Box Set

by Tawdra Kandle

  Part of me was thinking, I wish I knew the answer to that question. I lifted one shoulder before I spoke. “I don’t think so. I was pretty upset about Nate, and so was Leo. He was just . . . hugging me. Trying to make me feel better.”

  “Hmmm.” Sheri raised one eyebrow. “Was that all it was?” Before I could answer, she gave her head a little shake. “Never mind. Forgive me for being nosy. Quinn, I hope you know I love you. I love Leo, too. I want all of you kids to be happy. But Nate’s my number one priority. He has to be. And I don’t think I’m betraying any secret when I say he thinks he’s in love with you.”

  I opened my mouth, but misery and guilt made it impossible to say anything.

  “It’s all right, Quinn. It’s nothing you’ve done. You’ve always been Nate’s best friend, and I wouldn’t change that for anything in the world. All I’m asking is that you don’t abandon him. Whatever happens between you and Leo—or anyone else—please don’t forget about Nate.”

  “I never could.” It was my turn to cry, warm tears trickling over my cheeks. “Sheri, Nate’s one of the most important people in the world to me. I love him.” I swallowed hard. “I wish I could say that I felt the same way. But Nate’s always been like my brother. My best friend. I can’t imagine not having him in my life. I just don’t see him . . .” My gaze slid away from hers. “Any other way.”

  Sheri sighed. “Believe me, honey, I understand that. I’ve always been able to see it, but Nate doesn’t. Or if he does, he’s just too stubborn to admit otherwise. I’m not asking you to lie to him, or to pretend to feel something that you don’t. I just want you to keep being the best friend you can. And if—” She broke off as we both heard the sound of wheels at the door. An orderly backed into the room, steering Nate’s gurney around the corner.

  “Well, if it isn’t my daredevil son.” Sheri jumped to her feet, her eyes taking in Nate’s form under the thin blanket. She set her shoulders and pasted on a smile, and if I hadn’t seen her crying a few minutes before, I’d have never believed she had been.

  “Hey, Mom.” He glanced at me, a small frown on his face. “I guess you heard what happened?” It was more question than statement, and by the way his eyes bored into me, I knew I was the one he was asking. He needed to know if I’d gone along with his story.

  “That you tried to take all the steps in one bound? Yeah, I might’ve heard a rumor about that.” She leaned over and kissed his cheek.

  “I’m going to be fine, though.” His gaze darted between the two of us. “What were you two talking about?”

  “Nothing special. Just girl talk.” Sheri smiled wider and winked at me. “Right, Quinn?”

  “Yup, that’s all.” I nodded, hoping that neither Nate nor his mother could sense the turmoil and confusion whirling inside me.

  I was more than ready for this day to be over.

  Nate

  I’d had some killer headaches in my day, thanks to the side effects of medication and other treatments, but this one was a definite contender for the worst one. I lay in my hospital bed, staring at the ceiling tiles and waiting for the dose of painkiller I’d just been given to take effect.

  “Nate.”

  Quinn’s voice was soft and questioning; she wasn’t sure if I were truly awake or not. I steeled myself against the pain and turned my head just a little to track her movement toward me.

  “I’m awake.” My voice sounded faraway and kind of slurred. Yeah, maybe those meds were kicking in, after all.

  “My mom and I are going to leave in just a minute. Is there anything . . . do you need anything before I go?”

  I managed a smile. “Nah, I’m good.” My lips felt dry and numb, and I licked them, wondering idly if Quinn might be turned off by dry lips. Should I ask her? No, I decided. I shouldn’t point out any of my deficiencies, on the off chance she might not notice.

  “Okay. Well . . . I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. The doctor told your mom and dad that you’d probably be released in the afternoon, so if you want to text me when you get home, I’ll come by. If you want.”

  “Of course, I want. I always want you, Quinn. Always. Everrrrrry day.” My eyelids had become too heavy to keep open, and I groped blindly for Quinn’s hand. When I felt her slim fingers close around mine, I relaxed. “I always wanted to hold your hand. And kiss you. Do you like when lips are dry? I use lip balm sometimes, but I don’t have it here.”

  “Nate, I think you’re sleepy.” Quinn’s tone was strained. “You go to sleep, and I’ll see—”

  “You didn’t tell anyone what really happened today, right? I don’t want them to know. ‘Spartly my fault, you know. I made ‘em mad. I pushed Brent. Teased him.”

  “No, Nate. That’s not true.” I recognized that emotion. Quinn was mad. Or frustrated. Which usually meant Leo was involved.

  “Where’s Leo?” I managed to open one eye a little bit. Quinn looked fuzzy and odd, but I didn’t miss the raw hurt on her face when I mentioned his name.

  “He went home. Or I guess actually, he went to football practice.” Yeah, there was definite bitterness there. “He said he’ll see you when you’re out of here.”

  “You’re pissed at him.” Only my tongue felt a little big in my mouth, and it came out “pithed”. I’d never lisped, never had any speech issues, and it made me want to laugh now, hearing myself talk like this.

  “Why do you say that? Oh, you mean because you two boys concocted a cover story so that the jerks who let you fall down the steps—or maybe even outright pushed you down—will get away with it? And you expect me to go along with that? Why would that make me mad, Nate?” Quinn was practically hissing. Shit, she was really upset.

  “Don’t be mad, Quinn.” My eyes were both closed again. Keeping even one open was too hard. “This is better, this way. Trust me, honey.” The endearment slid off my tongue like butter. Some distant part of my brain went into panic mode that I’d said it, but why shouldn’t I? I loved Quinn. She was my girl. I should tell her how I feel. Holding back . . . why I had been doing that? I was just wasting time.

  “I love you, Quinn.”

  The meds were pulling me deeper now, dragging me away from Quinn and from this conversation, and that was okay, too. Because the pain was dulled, and I could sleep.

  The last thing I heard before I fell deep into the drugged sleep was Quinn’s voice. She sounded sad.

  “Love you, too, Nate. Sleep well. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Leo

  By the time I made it back over to the high school and changed, the afternoon light was gray. Everyone was on the field, running drills, but I stopped on the sidelines where Coach Cramer stood, holding a tablet that looked just like the one the doctor had used at the hospital.

  “Taylor.” Coach nodded at me. “Mr. Platten filled me in on where you were. What’s the news on the kid?”

  I shrugged. “Far as I know, doing okay. Doctor said he might have a mild concussion, and they’re keeping him overnight, probably.” I worked hard to keep the worry out of my voice. This entire afternoon had been a mess, from beginning to end. I wouldn’t have minded just forgetting the whole damn day. The image of Quinn’s eyes, soft and luminous when she’d looked up at after our kiss, filled my head, reminding me that maybe not all of it had been so bad.

  But no. Kissing Quinn had been a mistake of monumental proportions, and now I had to figure out an exit strategy. I’d seen the expression on her face just before Sheri had interrupted us. I knew Quinn was reading love, commitment and always into that kiss. All of those things made me panic.

  Coach was staring at me, curiosity etched between his eyes. “You okay, boy?” Clearly my thoughts about Quinn must’ve been playing out across my face. I relaxed my expression into a grin and nodded.

  “Sure. I’ll get out there and get to work, okay?”

  He nodded. “Give me a couple of laps around the field first.” When I raised my eyebrows, he shook his head. “Not punishment. Just getting you warmed up so you’re
ready to run a few plays. Lampert’s been throwing to Simmons, so he needs to get in some passes to you before we shut down for the night.” He gave me his trademark swat on the ass. “Get moving. Tomorrow’s going to be a tough one.”

  “You got it.” I took off down the sidelines, keeping my strides long and my breath even. Matt bellowed out my name as I passed him, but I just gave him a wave and kept going. I spotted Brent, Karl and Tim on the field, too, and I felt their eyes on me. I didn’t acknowledge them at all. Let them sweat it out a little longer. I wasn’t going to compromise my team—or put Nate in a bad position—by spilling my guts to the principal, but fuck if the three of them were going to get away with this totally.

  Guilt trickled down my back, thinking about them. I heard Quinn’s voice again, accusing me of valuing the team over my friends. Was she right? I’d told myself I was thinking of Nate, of what he wanted, but then again, I’d lied to the principal about how everything had gone down, and that was before Nate had asked me to cover for the guys.

  Truth to tell, I wasn’t sure what Quinn would do. She hadn’t seen what had happened, but nothing was stopping her from going to Mr. Platten with the suspicions she had. I tried to focus on those worries—what Quinn might decide to do—rather than let my mind wander to the more dangerous topic: why in the hell had I kissed her?

  I hadn’t planned on it. I’d followed her outside the hospital just to make sure she understood that I hadn’t meant any of those things she’d accused me of saying. Yeah, I’d gone too far when I’d jeered about the way she dressed, but she’d pushed my buttons, too, lashing out about the slut buddies. Where did she even get those terms, anyway? Among the guys, we called the girls who showed up at every game, party and celebration the pussy pack. Crude, yeah, and my mom would’ve smacked me in the back of the head if she ever heard me use those words, but at the same time, the chicks themselves used the name, too. Most of them were unashamed of their availability, and as long as everyone understood the expectations upfront, I didn’t see any problems. I was smart and I played safe, and I never fucked a girl who was so drunk she couldn’t say yes, loud and clear.

  But all of that was so far removed from Quinn and her standards that I felt a little dirty even thinking of them at the same time. As much distance as I’d had lately from her, I still knew who Quinn was. She was good, and kind, and pure. She hadn’t dated anyone as far as I knew. I’d overheard some of the cheerleaders snickering about her being gay, referring to her as queer Quinn, but I was pretty sure that wasn’t the case, either.

  Okay, if I was going to be honest with myself, I knew it wasn’t true. I’d known Quinn had been crushing on me for a while. Deep down, I’d known I felt the same, which was why I’d stayed away. Quinn wasn’t the type of girl who’d understand and accept the pussy pack. She’d rail and rant about it and cause trouble, and before we knew it, she’d probably have those girls either hating her or coming around to her way of thinking.

  But it was more than that. I couldn’t stand the idea that Quinn would see the real me, the guy I’d become. I knew for sure she’d hate this side of me, the one who partied and fucked around and acted like a jerk. The prospect of seeing her face when she realized the truth about me was just something I couldn’t handle. I swallowed hard and picked up the pace as I rounded the corner of the field.

  Which meant that I was going to have to figure out how to deal with the ramifications of that kiss. I had a sneaking suspicion that it might’ve been Quinn’s first kiss, and that sliced me even deeper. When I’d given in and touched her lips with mine, I hadn’t planned on doing anything other than keeping it simple. Testing it out. Tasting her. But the minute our mouths had met, all rational thinking had flown out the door, and every bit of logic had fled. At the same time, all the blood in my body seemed to have surged between my legs, swelling my dick until it pushed against the zipper of my jeans, painfully hard.

  I’d wanted to touch her everywhere. I’d wanted to hike her up against that rough stucco wall, fill my hands with her tits and grind into her core. When she made that tiny breathless moan, I knew I wanted to hear that sound again and again, and I wanted to hear her call out my name while I filled her. I wanted to taste the tempting heat between her legs.

  I wanted it all, and I wanted it from Quinn.

  Only her shivering had pulled me back from the brink. I’d realized that she was cold, out there in the late autumn chill wearing only a thin T-shirt and jeans. And needing to keep her warm and safe had made me pull back long enough for reality to come crashing in on me.

  I wasn’t sure what I’d planned to say to her when we’d both spoken at the same time. Was I going to pretend it didn’t mean anything? Tell her I’d made a mistake? Maybe. That would’ve been the smart thing to do, but then again, nothing about this day had been smart.

  Still, now that I had a little distance, I knew that my only option was making it clear that there could never be anything between us. Nothing but friendship, and fuck if I could handle even that now. I didn’t trust myself to be around her at all, not when I knew how she tasted and knew the electricity between us.

  Unfortunately, I also knew that maintaining that distance meant hurting Quinn. In the long run, it was better for her, but in the short term, she was probably going to hate me.

  But wasn’t it better that she hated me like this, as the guy who’d stolen her first kiss and then pretended it didn’t mean anything, instead hating what I’d really become? Or maybe it didn’t make any difference. Maybe those two were one and the same. But if she was going to end up detesting me, better it should happen now, when she was still only a little hurt, than later, when things could be much, much worse. Right now, she was still the same Quinn. But if I dragged her into my world, she’d be spoiled and ruined. I wasn’t going to let that happen.

  I finished the last lap, not breaking stride as I jogged onto the field. Matt met me on the thirty-yard line, punching me in the shoulder.

  “Heard you had to rescue the gimp, dude. What happened?”

  I glanced over his shoulder. Tim stood about ten feet away, frowning in my direction. I narrowed my eyes, giving him a steely glare, and then turned back to Matt. “Tell you later, man. Hey, Coach says you warmed up with Simmons. What the fuck, dude, you cheating on me now?”

  Down the line, Dylan Simmons cracked up, shaking his head. “No worries on my part, Taylor. You and Lampert have something special. Something magical. It’s a love for the ages, man. I’m not getting in the way of that.”

  “Damn straight!” Lampert wrapped his arms around my middle and tried to haul me up. “We’re like Romeo and fucking Juliet.” Without pausing for breath, he added, “Dibs on being Romeo.”

  “No problem, Houdini. You keep delivering your balls right into my waiting hands, and I’ll be your Juliet every time.” I batted my eyes at him, and all the guys around us fell apart, hooting and laughing.

  “Taylor, what the hell? You get on the field and suddenly no one’s taking anything serious?” Coach blew his whistle, and we all snapped to attention. “Get moving on those passes before I come out there and kick your sorry asses. Do I have to remind you that we’re playing Franklin Township tomorrow? Those farm boys are going to roll in here and hand you your asses if you don’t watch out. Move it. Now!”

  I shoved Matt. “Get down there and show me some love, buddy. Make it a good one.” I puckered my lips and made a kissy-kissy sound. “Remember, I’m your one and only!”

  Matt trotted back across mid-field to his own twenty-yard line, where he scooped up a football. He held it in one hand, and I grinned, watching him go into the zone, where opponents only he could see threatened to sack him. He had the uncanny ability to fake being in a tight situation, even in the middle of the the most laid-back practices. He stuttered forward a few feet, eyes darting downfield to where I waited. Simmons stepped into the role of safety, trying to both distract me and intercept the pass. None of us were wearing pads today, since there wasn’t
any hitting on the offensive line the day before a game, but I knew Simmons would give snagging the ball his best shot, short of tackling me.

  Lampert finally let go the ball, sending it spiraling through the air. I tracked it, falling into that place where nothing else existed but an oblong piece of inflated leather and me. I measured the arc with practiced eyes and stepped backward at the last minute, feeling the rough and welcome texture even before it fell neatly into my waiting hands.

  Twisting away from Simmons, I tucked the ball securely against my chest and sprinted toward the goal line, crossing it without even getting winded. Behind me, a few teammates clapped, and I heard some hoots of praise from the sidelines, where the cheerleaders had just finished their own practice. Standing a little apart from the crowd, I recognized one girl by her jet black hair, caught up in a high ponytail. She waved and cupped her hands over her mouth.

  “Nice moves, Lion!”

  I made a show out of giving her a little bow and went back to my team.

  ***

  If I’d thought I was going to get off easy by coming in late to practice, I was sorely mistaken. Coach had all of us receivers do a series of route running drills, separation drills and some three hard aways. By the time he finally blew his whistle and sent us into the locker room to shower and change, I was dripping with sweat even though the air had gone from chilled to downright cold.

  I was bringing up the rear, dragging my feet, as I tried to figure out how I was going to deal with Brent and his buddies. I’d just cleared the field and was passing the stands when I heard my name.

  “Leo. You looked good out there today.” Sarah Jenkins stood just on the other side of the low wall that separated the bleachers from the sidelines. She was wearing an oversized hoodie on top of the shorts the cheerleaders all wore for practice, and her hair gleamed in the low lights from the field. Her legs were long, slim and still tanned, probably from being outside for practices. The sweatshirt hid her other assets, but I knew from previous experience that this girl had curves for days.