The Keeping Score Box Set

by Tawdra Kandle

  I sat in the front row next to Gia. Her face was pale, and her eyes were hollow. Quinn had whispered to me earlier that Gia was on some kind of medicine to keep her calm, because she’d been hysterical for hours. She looked a little like a zombie, and every time we had to change position—there was a lot of kneeling, standing and sitting in the funeral liturgy—her eyes darted to me in panic, mutely asking me what she was supposed to do next.

  As if I was supposed to know.

  Matt’s grandparents sat closest to the aisle. They were stoic, although his grandmother dabbed at her eyes now and then.

  Quinn sat on Gia’s other side, holding her hand tightly. When I’d seen her a few days before, she’d hugged me tight, and holding her was the first good thing I’d done in over a week. I hadn’t wanted to let her go, but I was conscious of our new situation. The girl I held wasn’t mine anymore. She belonged to Nate, and the small gold ring on her left hand reminded me of that fact.

  The service ended, and we all shuffled out of the church. Classmates from high school whom I hadn’t seen in almost four years grabbed my arm and embraced me, weeping softly. I heard murmurs among a few teachers who’d come about waste of potential, and I wanted to smack each and every one of them.

  Of course Matt had wasted his potential, but he’d begun down that trail long before he’d taken that fatal dose of pills. It had started back in high school, maybe even earlier. And none of the people who were crying or talking had done a damn thing to stop him.

  Just beyond the boundary of the church’s grass, the police were holding back a small knot of reporters who were covering the tragedy that was Matt Lampert’s life and death. My lip curled in derision. Fucking vultures.

  “Can I catch a ride over to the Lamperts’ house with you and Gia?” Quinn laid her hand on my arm. “I don’t want to be by myself right now.”

  “Sure.” I cleared my throat. “Surprised Nate didn’t come.”

  Quinn’s eyes shuttered. “He can’t be in crowds. His immune system is so damaged right now that he could pick up anything.”

  I nodded. “I’m sorry. I can’t quite wrap my mind around the fact that our friends are dying off when we’re only twenty-two.”

  She winced, and I felt like shit for what I’d said.

  “Come on. My car’s over here. Let’s go.”

  I hadn’t been back in Eatonboro at this time of year for a long time. We drove the short distance from the church to Matt’s grandparents’ house in a silence that was only broken by Quinn’s soft assurances to Gia, who stared unseeing out the window.

  The huge house was already filled with people when we arrived, and I realized a good many of them hadn’t bothered to come to the church. That pissed me off; they didn’t care enough to pay their respects to Matt’s memory, but they were willing to kiss up to his wealthy and influential grandparents. Fucking idiots.

  Quinn and I settled Gia on a chair in the study, where it was quiet. She leaned against the side of it, sighed and closed her eyes. Within a few moments, I could tell she was out.

  “The meds make her sleepy.” Quinn rubbed her hands together, her forehead furrowed as she watched her friend. “I think I’ll just stay in here and keep my eye on her. If she wakes up and doesn’t know where she is, she’ll freak out.”

  I sat down next to Quinn. “I’ll keep you company.”

  She smiled. “You don’t have to. There are probably a lot of people who want to catch up with you. I saw your parents were at the church, too. That was nice of them to come.”

  “They loved Matt. I think my mom feels bad that she wasn’t more proactive in his life when we were younger. She didn’t want to interfere with his grandparents, but God. No one did. If someone had, maybe we wouldn’t be here today.”

  “Matt made his own choices, Leo.” Quinn’s voice was weary. “You were a wonderful friend to him, always. And he had this enormous potential, so much going for him, but he took a different path. No one is to blame for that.”

  “I know that in the rational part of my brain. But then there’s that voice that keeps telling me there was more I could’ve done. Why did I go out that night? I needed to blow off steam, and I was . . .” My eyes slid to Quinn’s left hand. “Still dealing with a lot of my own shit. But I should’ve realized he needed me. I let him slide down, and I just shook my head and thought, that’s Matt.”

  “He didn’t make it easy to help him. Please, Leo. Don’t take the blame for this, okay? Don’t let it drag you down, too. Matt wouldn’t want that. You’ve got so much coming up—the draft is in ten days, and your whole future is wide open. Don’t lose sight of that.”

  I laughed, but there wasn’t a speck of humor in it. “My future, huh? It doesn’t feel that bright and shiny, Mia.” I used her special name for the first time since the day she’d left me in Carolina. “All I ever wanted was to play football and be with you. One I’m going to get, but it came at the expense of losing the other.”

  She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the back of her chair. “Leo, please don’t. We’ve been over this so many times. I can be your friend, but that’s all. I can’t, and I won’t, compete with football, and I can’t deal with the stress of being the Lion’s girlfriend. I still get the occasional hate message, you know? And I know I can’t handle it.”

  I reached into her lap and gripped both of her hands in mine. “It doesn’t have to be that way, Mia. I’m about to graduate. I’m going to sign with—well, I’m not going to say and jinx it, but after the draft, things are going to change. You wouldn’t be the Lion’s girlfriend. You’d be my wife.”

  Her eyes flew open, and she stared at me, surprise and pain mingled there. “Leo, don’t. Please don’t. You know I can’t. I promised Nate, and I won’t go back on that. I can’t.”

  “Quinn, you’re making a huge mistake. You don’t love him. Not like you love me. You and Nate don’t have what we do. We’re meant to be, babe. We’ve always said it, and we’ve always known it. What the hell happened?”

  “Life happened, Leo. And football happened. I never said that I don’t love you. You know I do. You know this kills me, too. But this . . . being married to me . . . it’s all Nate wants. It’s his last wish, really. Am I going to deny him that, when it’s in my power to say yes?”

  “So you’ll ruin your life to make his dream come true?” I hunched over, lowering my voice. “Quinn, did you ever think, what’re you going to do if Nate doesn’t die? What if you’re stuck in this marriage?”

  Her eyes flared. “That’s a horrible thing to say, Leo.”

  “It may be, but it’s true. Isn’t that what Nate always says? Don’t waste time not telling the truth. Well, there’s my truth, Quinn. I think you’re making the biggest fucking mistake of your life. And it is killing me.”

  She sighed. “I know that. I would give anything for you not to be hurting, Leo. But I can’t give Nate what he needs without taking away what you want. I wish I could make you both happy, but it seems like that’s always been an impossibility. And right now, Nate needs me more than you do. You have your friends, football and years of life ahead of you. Nate has me, and that’s it.”

  I snorted. “Nothing’s promised us, is it? You think I have years of life ahead, but who’s to say I don’t get hit by a bus tomorrow?”

  “Shut up.” Quinn spoke through clenched teeth. “Leo, how can you say that? Do you not see that I’m going through hell, too? Can’t you give me a little fucking break, and maybe try not to make this harder on me than it already is?”

  “I’m sorry.” In the face of her anguish, my own anger retreated. “Mia, I’m sorry. I’m just torn up over all of this. You and Nate. Matt. Why do things have to be like this?”

  “Because life’s not fair, Leo. It never was, and it never will be. We take the good things and give thanks, and we help each other through the shitty stuff. That’s all we can do.” She looked so sad, so tired, that I only wanted to pull her into my arms and hold her. Offer her com
fort and maybe a little distraction.

  “Mia.” I touched her face, gladness swelling in my heart when she leaned into my hand, turning so that her lips pressed my palm. “Come with me. I know this house. There’re rooms—I know where the bedrooms are. No one will notice. I need you, Mia. I need you so much.”

  For a second, I thought she might actually agree, and then she shook her head. “Leo, are you insane? We’re at a funeral. I’m not sneaking upstairs with you for sex. Not to mention the fact that you and I aren’t together anymore, and I’m engaged to someone else. To Nate.”

  “But can he give you what I can, Mia?” I dropped to my knees in front of her, bracketing her ribs with my hands. “When he kisses you, does your heart speed up? When he touches you here . . .” I palmed her tit, smiling a little when her mouth fell open. “Does it send a spark right down to your center? And when you hear him say your name, does your pussy get wet?”

  “Stop, Leo.” She pushed against my shoulder, but her hand didn’t use any real pressure, and there was still indecision in her voice. I capitalized on that, raising up and kissing her, open-mouthed, pouring all of my longing and pain into that connection.

  “No.” She twisted away, and tears filled her eyes. “Please, Leo. Don’t do this. I can’t tell you no. If you . . . if you keep pushing, I’m going to give in. I’ll let you take me up there to an empty bedroom and fuck me silly. I’ll let you do anything you want to me. I can’t tell you no. But please. It’ll destroy me, after. I won’t be able to live with myself. Please don’t ask me to do that.”

  She was tearing me up, ripping out my heart, and I couldn’t do it. I sat back on my haunches and gazed up into her tormented eyes.

  “Okay. All right, baby. I’m sorry.” I held her hands. “But just so you know. I wasn’t asking you to go upstairs so I could fuck you. I want to make love to you, the way I always did. The way we always did. It was never just sex with us, Mia. It was always love. Every single time.”

  She nodded. “I know.”

  Because I was a fucking masochist, I asked the question I dreaded. “Does he . . . have you and Nate . . . do you . . . sleep together?”

  Pain and embarrassment crossed her face. “You shouldn’t ask that, Leo. And I sure as hell shouldn’t answer it.” When I didn’t say anything, she rolled her eyes. “No, okay? No. We’re not having sex. Nate can’t, uh—it’s a side effect of the disease and the treatments. I mean, I can touch him, but he can’t maintain . . .” Quinn’s face was bright red. “I don’t want to talk about this. It’s not fair to Nate.”

  “All right. Sorry.” But I really wasn’t, because knowing Nate wasn’t having sex with Quinn was the best news I’d had in months. I knew for a fact that I was the only guy Quinn had ever been with. The idea of anyone else making love to her, even Nate, when she was going to be his wife, absolutely killed me. I felt bad for Nate, of course, but at the same time, I was fucking relieved for myself.

  “Leo, you’re going to come, right? To the wedding?” She bit the side of her lip. “I really want you there, but I understand if you don’t want to.”

  I forced a smile. “If you want me to be there, and if Nate’s okay with it, of course I’ll be at your wedding.” I stood up, releasing her hands. “Anything for you, Quinn. Remember that. Anything for you. No matter what.”

  Yeah. Like I’d said. Fucking masochist.

  Senior Year

  May

  My wedding day dawned clear and warm. I was awake as the sun rose over the ocean, sitting up in bed to watch the colors spread over the blue water and shoot rays of gold onto the sand. Today was the happiest day of my life, and I wasn’t going to miss a single minute of it.

  My mother had worried that having both graduation and the wedding in the same week would be too much for me, but I knew that nothing was going to stand in the way of me marrying Quinn. I briefly considered not walking at that ceremony, just sitting in the audience to cheer for Quinn, Gia, Tuck and Zelda, but it was important to my parents that I walked onto the stage to receive my diploma. I wanted to give them every memory I could, because I knew they were going to need those someday soon.

  We’d driven down to the shore the day after graduation, and I’d settled into the same bedroom where I always slept. Quinn popped in now and then, bringing me updates about how preparations were progressing. I could hear voices rising and falling, and I knew Carrie and my mom were cooking, but I stayed put in bed, resting so that I was sure to be strong enough for the big day.

  Of course, not everyone was as blissful as I was. Carrie walked around with a tight smile on her face, and I’d noticed she couldn’t quite look me in the eye. Quinn had told me that her mother was less than happy about our decision. I understood that, but I didn’t have time to worry about it. I knew Carrie was trying to understand, out of her love for both my parents and me, but seeing her only daughter marry a man whose death sentence hung heavy on his head couldn’t have been easy.

  And then there was Gia, who had turned into a nearly-silent shadow of her former self in the weeks after Matt’s suicide. She never smiled or reacted. She showed up where she had to, and she responded to questions when she was forced to do so. But beyond that, she was almost a zombie. I knew Quinn was worried about her, and I missed her bouncy laughter.

  We weren’t doing a rehearsal or anything else that might wear me out prematurely. The ceremony was going to take place in the living room, with just our families and close friends present. Gia and Zelda were both maids of honor for Quinn, and I’d asked Tuck to be my best man.

  “Hey, sure. Just don’t ask me to stand up for you.” He’d winked at me, smirking, and I smiled back, thinking that Eli Tucker sure did seem happier these days. I was pretty sure I knew why, too.

  Leo would be there, as well. I’d asked Quinn if she thought his feelings would be hurt if I didn’t have him as my best man, and an odd expression had crossed her face.

  “No, I think he’ll understand.”

  We didn’t talk about Leo much anymore. I wasn’t stupid; I was fully aware that Quinn still loved him. I knew they were still in love. If I were an unselfish guy, the type who only wanted to see his best friends be happy, I’d have released Quinn from her engagement to me and told them both that seeing them together would be enough for me. But I wasn’t that guy, and honestly, I wasn’t certain they were capable of being happy together. I wasn’t convinced that Leo understood yet what Quinn needed.

  But he was enough of a friend to be in the room when his two best friends tied the knot, no matter how he really felt about it, and I had to respect him for that. He’s been drafted by the Richmond Rebels in the first round back in April, and I knew he was excited to play for them. His graduation had been three days before ours, so he’d made it up in time to cheer the four of us across the stage.

  Everyone had plans for the future, it seemed. Leo had football, Tuck was going into teaching, Zelda had gotten a job with a non-profit farm-to-table group, Gia was going to grad school and Quinn had been offered a position with an on-line news agency. She’d be able to work from home, which was a relief. The only one of us who didn’t have a job or a plan was me; my only focus would be living as long as I could and making Quinn happy.

  My dad came into my room around nine the morning of the wedding, carrying my suit. “Hey, hey, I thought I was going to have to wake you up. You ready for some breakfast, bud? Mom’s making up a tray.”

  I swung my legs over the side of the bed. “I can come out and eat with everyone else. She doesn’t have to bring it to me.”

  “Nope. All the women folk say you need to stay put, so you don’t see the bride before it’s time. Bad luck and all that, you know.”

  I snorted. “Dad, all due respect, I don’t think luck has anything to do with this whole deal. Unless it’s in making sure I stay alive through the ceremony.”

  My father frowned. “Are you feeling that bad, Nate?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “I was making a joke. So
rry. Dark humor.”

  “Oh, yeah. Ha.” He sat down on the edge of the bed with me. “You’re sure you want to go through with this, right? I mean, there’s no shame in changing your mind.”

  “Dad.” I leveled a glance at him. “This is the one and only thing in my life that I’m sure about. I want to live the last part of my life as Quinn’s husband. I haven’t made much of my twenty-two years, but if I can say Quinn Russell was my wife, I’ll die a happy man. I know that doesn’t make sense to anyone else. But it does to me, and it does to Quinn.”

  “I understand, Nate. I’m just checking.” He paused. “Leo got here last night.”

  “Ah.” Something ugly twisted in my gut that had nothing to do with my disease. I didn’t want to think the worst of the two people closest to me, but . . . “Did they . . . was Quinn . . .”

  “She behaved exactly as you’d expect a girl getting married the next day to behave. She was happy to see him, and Lisa and Joe, too. But she didn’t go off alone with him, if that’s what you’re wondering. She slept in her room, with Gia and Zelda.”

  “It’s okay, Dad. I trust Quinn. I was just. . .” I shrugged. “Curious, I guess. It’s hard being stuck in here and just hearing everything going on out there.”

  “No one’s making you stay in bed. You can come out any time you want.” He grinned. “Except now, of course. Now you’re a prisoner until it’s time to say I do.”

  “I wanted to save all my energy. I didn’t want anything to possibly go wrong with today.”

  “I get it.” My father gazed over my shoulder, out the window. “I wanted to talk to you about tonight, Nate. About your wedding night.”