The Keeping Score Box Set

by Tawdra Kandle

  “Uh huh. I think I’ve got that covered, Dad. But thanks.”

  “Have you and Quinn talked? Does she know about your limitations?”

  I fucking hated that word. Limitations. “Yes, Dad, she knows. She knows that I’m physically unable to have penetrative sexual intercourse.” My voice held a tinge of derisive mocking.

  “But you know, son, you can still . . . bring each other pleasure.”

  “Dad.” I laid a hand on his arm. “I know. I did research, and I talked to Dr. Randall. I know what I’m doing.”

  He nodded. “Okay. Well, then, I’ve done my fatherly duty. I’m going to go get on my suit, and then I’ll be back in a little while to help you with anything you might need. If you do need anything.”

  “Thanks, Dad.” I closed my hand around his arm to keep him from moving away. “Really. I appreciate everything you and Mom have done, and I appreciate you understanding why I need to do this. Thank you, for just—everything.”

  His throat worked, and his lips pressed together. “Nate, I hope you know we’d do anything to make you happy. Anything. You’re our son, and we—” He shook his head again.

  “I know that, Dad. I know.”

  At high noon on the Saturday after we’d graduated from college, I saw my every dream come true when I married Quinn Russell.

  The ceremony was brief but filled with meaning. I hardly heard a word of it, because I couldn’t take my eyes off my beautiful bride.

  Quinn wore a short light pink sundress, with flowers in her hair. Her eyes were clear and steady, and when the minister pronounced us man and wife, she kissed me with warmth.

  We celebrated afterwards with barbecued chicken and a variety of cold summer salads, because those were my favorites. Carrie had made a cake, and Quinn and I sliced it together before we fed each other the first bite.

  My father lifted a glass of champagne and made a toast, and we all got tears in our eyes when he mentioned Bill, and how much we missed him. It made me wonder if Quinn would have married me, if her father were still alive; would Bill have understood? Or would he have talked her out of it?

  And then it was my turn to speak. “I told my dad earlier how much I appreciate what he and my mom have done to get me to this day. That goes for all of you. For all the really crappy stuff that I’ve had to deal with in my life, I’ve been blessed by having all of you as my family. We don’t all share blood, but we share a bond that goes even deeper, and that has made every day of my life better. Fuller.

  “Today has been perfect for me, because marrying Quinn is all I’ve ever wanted. I know you don’t all understand the whys of that, but you’re here anyway.” My eyes traveled over every face, resting briefly on Leo’s. He returned my gaze, and there was no acrimony or accusation there. Only a sort of sad resignation. “That means a lot. You know I don’t like to fudge on the truth. And the truth is, before the year is out, you’ll probably all be gathered again, this time to say good-bye to me. What sucks is that I won’t be able to be there, to hear all the sweet things you’re all going to say.”

  Across the room, my mom gave a half-sob, half-laugh, and my father pulled her against his side.

  “So I look at today as not only my wedding day, but as our last big celebration. Being here with all of you is almost the best thing ever.” I lifted Quinn’s hand to my lips. “But the absolute best part of today is that now I can call this beautiful woman, the best person I’ve ever known in all my life, mine. My wife.”

  There was a smattering of applause, and I kissed Quinn. Just because I could.

  I lay in bed at the end of my most perfect day ever, staring out the window at the stars that dotted the black velvet of the sky. I was tired, but not exhausted; I was glad that I’d paced myself all day.

  I was even happier about that when Quinn came into our room. She wore a long white nightgown, with her hair in a dark cloud around her face. The lights were out in the bedroom, but my eyes were used to the dark, and I could see her clearly.

  “Hi.” She sat down on the edge of the bed.

  “Hey.” I shifted over, flipping back the sheets. “Slide under.”

  She slipped her feet beneath the covers and settled back. I put my arm around her, pulling her against my chest. Her hair tickled my nose, and I breathed in her tantalizing scent.

  “You know we don’t have to do anything tonight, right? We can just sleep.” Her voice sounded muffled. “I know you must be tired.”

  “Not that tired.” I swallowed hard and skimmed the back of my fingers down her arm, stopping when my arm brushed over her breasts. Her nipple reacted, coming to a hard point, and I felt myself harden.

  What I wouldn’t have given to roll over her body and make love to her fully, to sink myself into her softness and be one with her. I felt so omnipotent today, so fully myself, that I was tempted to try. What stopped me was the fear that it wouldn’t work, that I’d be so mortified, I’d ruin tonight for us.

  So I didn’t even think about it. Instead, I cupped her boob and circled the nipple with my thumb. She was holding herself very still, and I couldn’t tell what she was thinking.

  “If I do anything wrong, just tell me. I only want to make you feel good.” I shifted a little, my heart thudding as I lowered my mouth to suck her nipple into my mouth, soaking the cotton of her nightie as I did. Quinn sucked in a quick breath, but she didn’t pull away.

  “Nate.” She whispered my name. “Can I touch you? Is that okay?”

  I nodded. “I’m not sure I’ll last long, but yeah. Please.”

  Quinn brushed her hand down over my stomach, pausing at the waistband of my boxers. Her fingers shook a little as she moved her hand underneath, and I held my breath. When her fingers closed over my cock, it was the most incredible feeling I’d ever had. My hips began to pump of their own accord, everything in the world diminishing to a narrow tunnel. My balls tightened and then everything exploded as I cried out her name.

  In some important ways, I was a normal twenty-two-year old male. Over the years, I’d jerked off plenty . . . usually to thoughts of the woman whose hand was now stroking me down. But having her bring me to climax, even when it had taken mere seconds, was mind-boggling. I wanted that every day, for the rest of my life.

  And I wanted to do the same thing for her.

  “Quinn, let me make you feel good.” It was hard for me to hold myself over her, but I could lay next to her and touch her. “Please. Let me do this. Let me be your husband in this way, at least.”

  She seemed to draw back a little, and then, finally she nodded. “Okay.”

  I wasn’t smooth. I didn’t have finesse. Quinn—my wife—was the first girl I’d touched like this. My hands trembled as I shoved up her nightgown, exposing her boobs, but I fastened my lips around one nipple while my fingers played with the other. I couldn’t tell whether or not Quinn liked that, but I took my time, and in a few minutes, her breathing changed and she began to shift her hips restlessly.

  Keeping my mouth on one breast, I crept my hand down, lower, until my fingers rested just over her core. I knew I needed to be mindful of how I touched her here; not too hard or too light. I tried to remember what I’d read online and the pictures I’d seen.

  When I ventured one finger over her folds, Quinn drew in a deep breath. She wasn’t slick, the way I had read she would be if she was really turned on. But that was okay. I knew what to do next.

  I found the small knob right where the internet had said it would be, and I pressed it lightly. “Quinn. I know this isn’t what you’re used to. I know you’ve been . . . I know you have experience. If you need to think about . . . if you want to picture Leo, I understand. If you need to think about him, do it. I just want you to feel good. It’s still going to be me touching you.”

  A sob broke from her throat, but I kept touching her. I kept moving my finger over her clit and then, as she began to respond, I replaced my finger with my thumb and thrust two fingers into her.

  Quinn arched,
one hand gripping my wrist as though to hold me in place. Her mouth opened, her eyes screwed shut and she gave a short, loud cry as her channel convulsed around my fingers. It was the single most amazing thing I’d ever experienced in my life, feeling her orgasm and knowing I’d done it. I’d brought her pleasure, even if it wasn’t the traditional kind of wedding-night consummation.

  After a few seconds, she pushed my hand, rolling a little away from me. I lay next to her as her breathing slowly returned to normal.

  “Quinn . . . that was beautiful. Thank you so much.” I kissed her neck and then her lips, softly. “Thank you for . . . everything.”

  She laid one palm alongside my cheek. “I love you, Nate.”

  “I love you, too, Quinn. Thank you for marrying me.”

  Settling on my back, I kept her close to me, reveling in the wonder of falling asleep with my wife in my arms.

  She was all I had ever wanted, and she was mine. For as long as I lived.

  As soon as I knew Nate was asleep, I slipped out of bed, moving slowly and carefully across the room to where my robe hung on a hook behind the door. I pulled it on and turned the door knob, padding down the hallway to the living room, where the French doors opened onto the deck.

  Everyone had gone home after the wedding, leaving Nate and me to enjoy the house for our wedding night and the rest of the week. Nate couldn’t really travel, so this was our honeymoon. I was glad; I loved this house, and being at the beach was a balm to my stormy soul. Still, it felt strange to be here without my mom. The past few months had been rocky for us; she’d made no secret of the fact that she didn’t agree with my decision to marry Nate. Eventually, she’d gone along with it, out of love for all of us, but I knew she was worried about the future. My future.

  The night air on the deck was chilly, damp with the salty ocean scent. The beach was empty and silent aside from the rhythmic crashing of the waves.

  I sat down on the step that led to the beach, curling my toes over the wooden step below me, wrapping my arms around my middle. I felt empty, hollow and numb.

  My body was still thrumming with the aftermath of my orgasm. I hadn’t expected to be able to come, not with Nate touching me. I loved him, I had always loved him, but I had never desired him. I’d never wanted him the way I wanted Leo with every beat of my heart.

  To my shame, I’d had to think about Leo while Nate’s hands were on me. I’d imagined Leo’s face, how he looked when he made love to me, the way his eyes went soft when he thrust into me. It was only with the memory of his body inside mine that I’d been able to climax.

  What I couldn’t let myself remember was Leo’s face today. I’d realized pretty quickly how cruel I’d been to ask him to be there. He had kept his distance, both last night and today, rarely getting close enough to touch me and never speaking to me alone. I’d played along, understanding that he needed that separation to stay sane.

  But I’d made the mistake of glancing at Leo during the ceremony, and the pain I’d seen in his eyes as Nate had recited his vows nearly broke me. When it was my turn to repeat after the minister, I couldn’t help staring at Leo as I said the words meant for Nate.

  “To have and to hold, from this day forward, forsaking all others . . .” And that was the phrase that jerked me back to the moment. Forsaking all others. That was what I’d done. I’d forsaken Leo in favor of Nate and what he needed. I had a good rationale for doing it, but all the excuses in the world wouldn’t change the hurt it caused Leo.

  I looked down at my hands, at the slender gold band on my left hand. I was married now, married to a man who I loved but wasn’t in love with, a man who wanted me more than anyone else in the world. A man who would be dead within the year.

  Sitting alone, with only the waves and stars to keep me company, I laid my head on my folded arms and sobbed.

  Not Quite the End . . .

  Yet.

  Book #3

  Coming in September

  “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?”

  Eli Tuckerton, one-time star receiver for Gatbury High’s football team, a guy I’d once loved to watch play the game, looked up at me from his wheelchair. In his eyes, I saw compassion, sympathy and understanding.

  I fucking hated that.

  “No, as a matter of fact, I don’t.” I slammed back the rest of my boilermaker and signaled to the bartender. “And I’m pretty sure I just met you yesterday, dude. Which means you’re not even a little qualified to tell me what to do.”

  “I’ve known you for two years. Does that give me the right to say you need to slow down?” Standing next to the wheelchair, one hand resting on its back, Zelda cocked her head at me. Her blonde hair was twisted up, exposing the slim column of her neck, and I thought distractedly that this chick was extremely fuckable. Maybe she’d be just what I needed to take my mind off my problems. Maybe she could do what this booze wasn’t and make me forget Quinn.

  I was about to open my mouth to make a suggestion to that effect when Tuck slid one arm around her waist. I didn’t miss the way his hand curved over the slope of her ass, even though he was pretty subtle about it. Damn. Apparently the delectable Zelda was off-limits. I wasn’t the type of guy to snake a girl who was clearly taken.

  “No.” I finally answered her question. “It doesn’t. None of you are my mother, my father, or even my one of my older brothers.” I picked up the shot the bartender had just delivered and dumped into the new beer. “And you’re sure as hell not my girlfriend or my wife.”

  Wife.The sting was still there. Well, it was more than a sting. It was like a stab. A painful, throbbing stab with a knife that had been coated with poison. Yep, that about covered it.

  Satisfied with my inner-analogy, I took a long drink and wiped my mouth.

  “Leo.” Gia turned at last from the stool next to mine. Her eyes were tired, as they always seemed to be these days. “Come on. You know that’s not the answer to anything. I get that you’re hurting. It sucks.”

  I gave a bark of humorless laughter. “Sucks. Yeah, you could say that.” A lump rose in my throat, and I blinked away suspicious moisture in my eyes. “As a great man we both once knew used to say, this day sucks big giant T-rex balls.”

  A ghost of a smile flitted across Gia’s face. “That’s right. He’d say that.”

  “God, Gia. I miss him so fucking much.”

  She closed her eyes. “I know. I know you do. Sometimes I think you and I are the only ones who will remember him, in the end. To everyone else, he’ll just be a footnote or some kind of cautionary tale for college football players who go astray. Who will know who Matt Lampert really was?”

  I reached up onto the bar and took her hand, squeezing it. “We will. I promise.”

  One side of her mouth curved up a little, but it wasn’t really a smile. “Meanwhile, you really have had a lot to drink. Maybe we should go up to our rooms.” The four of us had decided to stay at a hotel in Ocean City tonight so that we didn’t have to drive home. It had sounded like a good idea at the time, but now I was wishing I’d driven back to the airport and caught the first place to Richmond. Anything to get away from New Jersey.

  “Go ahead if you want. I’m not ready yet.” I gulped the beer again.

  She sighed and leaned her head on her chin. “Fine.” Glancing back at Zelda and Tuck, she added, “If you want to go up, or wherever, I’ll keep my eye on Leo.”

  Zelda shook her head. “I’m not leaving you two. But let’s move to a table, okay? It’s too hard for Eli to get up onto a bar stool, and I want to sit down.”

  That was a compromise I could make. We settled ourselves at a nearby booth, with Gia sitting next to me and Tuck transferring himself deftly from the chair to the vinyl bench. Zelda scooted in next to him.

  For the first few minutes, we were all silent, and then Zelda ventured to speak. “It was a nice ceremony, at least. I mean . . . for what it was.”

  Gia nodded. “I guess.”

  “What the fuck, you guys
? That was some kind of messed-up shit.” Tuck shook his head. “I love Nate like a brother. We were roommates for four years, and I hate that he’s—that his time is running out. But come on. What he did to Quinn, asking her to marry him now, that was just wrong. She’s miserable. Anyone could see it.”

  The idea of Quinn being unhappy should’ve given me a perverse thrill. She was the one who’d said yes to Nate’s ridiculous proposal. She was the one who’d ripped apart what we’d shared and was now married to another man. But I couldn’t find it in me to be glad that she was suffering.

  I’d kept my distance the night before, greeting her casually and then making it a point to stay as far away as I possibly could. The last time we’d talked alone had been the day of Matt’s funeral, when I’d tried to proposition her upstairs to a bedroom, and there was a definite possibility that I’d try that again, given the chance. While that might make me feel better for the short term, it wasn’t the answer either of us needed.

  Today, during the ceremony, she’d stared into my eyes as she’d made her vows. I’d wanted to scream. I’d wanted to jump up and object, only the minister never paused for anyone to say why these two should not be joined together. I had a shit ton of reasons, but apparently no one cared.

  Afterwards, when everyone was kissing the bride, I’d taken my turn, drawing her into my arms like old times and touching her smooth, cool cheek with my lips. I’d intended to leave it at that, stepping back away from Quinn, but she’d clung to my shoulders for an extra moment, moving her mouth to just below my ear.

  “I’m sorry, Leo. I’m so sorry.”

  After that, I’d had to get away. Each minute under the same roof with them was excruciating, and when at last everyone had begun to clear away, I’d rounded up Gia, Zelda and Tuck and insisted it was time for us to take off.

  “What are you going to do, Leo?” Zelda pinned me with a stare now. “Do you . . . will you wait for her? Or what?”

  The ‘or what’ option seemed to be the most attractive at the moment. I had a feeling that choice covered another boilermaker.