I sighed. “I’ll be okay.”
“What’s really going on?” she asked, sitting down on the couch.
I turned to look at her. “David.”
“What about him?”
“I feel a little guilty,” I confessed.
“For moving on with your life? He’s been gone for years, Harper. You’ve waited plenty long.”
“Having a child with another man feels like a betrayal. I feel like I’m betraying the plans and dreams we made. I was only supposed to have his babies.”
She reached out and touched my hand. “Life intervened. It wasn’t meant to be. You got one very beautiful, smart, sweet baby from David. He would be so happy to see how well you’ve done. Jace is a good kid, and you deserve all the credit for that. You are raising his child and making him into the man David would have wanted.”
“It feels strange to be having a baby with another man. I just feel like it’s wrong.”
“Not wrong. Millions of people do it every day. Every single day.”
“But I’m not one of those people,” I protested.
“Apparently, you are.”
“Not funny.”
“Harper, you’re a good person. You grieved for him. You loved him the best you could, and when he was taken from you, you didn’t fall apart. You didn’t collapse. You did exactly what he told you to do—you kept on living. Part of living is new life. New relationships and new hopes and dreams. New plans with a new man.”
I covered my face with my hands. “I think I’m afraid David is watching me from heaven and shaking his head. He’s going to be disappointed in me. I had no business getting pregnant without knowing I had a baby daddy in my life. I’m going to be stretched thin, and Jace might suffer. That is not okay. I made a selfish choice.”
“Bullshit. I’ve had enough of this pity party. You’re having a baby. It’s something to celebrate. I don’t care if Theo likes it or not. You like it. You embrace it. You make it the best damn thing that has ever happened to you. Second best or equally best with Jace.”
“Maybe I’ll just have the baby and go on with my life. I don’t have to tell Theo.”
She laughed. “Wrong. You do have to tell him because you know he should at least have the option to stay or go.”
“I feel so foolish,” I said. “‘Oh, hey, yeah, I know we just met, and we hooked up a few times, and we’re not actually together, but I’m going to have your baby.’”
She shrugged. “That’s one way to put it. As long as you put it some way, I guess it doesn’t matter. Don’t pussyfoot around it if you don’t want to. He was a willing participant in this situation. You didn’t get yourself knocked up. Just tell him the way it is.”
“I don’t want to be harsh,” I said.
“You’re not being harsh. You’re being honest. Tell him.”
“I will, but it’s something that should be said in person, don’t you think?”
She giggled. “I suppose so. If I found out I was going to be a daddy, I would like it to happen face to face and not over text. But don’t chicken out.”
“Don’t chicken out of what?” Jace asked, coming into the living room.
“Uh, the new festival,” I said, quickly covering up the real topic.
“Oh. I’m going to play Minecraft.”
“Clean up your breakfast dishes please.”
“I already did,” he called as he headed down the hall.
“See? Look how good you did with that one.” She smiled.
“That one?”
She giggled. “Come on, cheer up. Have you eaten breakfast this morning? You look a little pale.”
“I feel pale. Today is the worst one yet.”
“I’m sorry. Do you have any sparkling water?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“I can run out and get some for you,” she offered.
“No, it’ll be fine.”
“Food, come on,” she said before getting to her feet and pulling me up.
I followed her into the kitchen and watched as she rummaged through the fridge.
“I have some fruit,” I told her, picking up the tray from the table.
I popped a strawberry into my mouth before reaching for an apple slice. The cold fruit tasted good, but it wasn’t sitting right in my stomach.
She looked at me with pity. “I’m sorry, hon.”
“It’s fine. I keep telling myself it will pass soon. Today is just extra fun.”
“I’ll go get some crackers and soda for you,” she said with a warm smile.
“Thank you. That does actually sound very good.”
She left the house. I put away the breakfast stuff and loaded the dishwasher. Slowly. I wasn’t going to be doing anything fast. I started laundry and then went for the vacuum. I wondered what it would be like to have two kids to clean up after. Maybe I would hire a housekeeper. I wasn’t sure how I would juggle it all, plus run my business.
“Stop it, Harper,” I hissed. “This is nothing new. Quit being a little baby.”
I had just finished vacuuming the rugs when Kylie returned. “I thought you were taking it easy?”
“I am. Minor housework. If I sit and do nothing, I’m going to drive myself crazy. I have to stay busy, even if it kills me.”
“Let’s sit and have some crackers and soda.”
The crackers and soda did have some pretty amazing effects. I was going to start stockpiling the stuff. “Thank you. This is exactly what I needed.”
“You’re welcome. What are you guys doing today?”
I shrugged. “Jace wants to put up our new Christmas tree in his room. I planned on rearranging some stuff and clearing out the clothes he’s outgrown. Then, I need to start moving my office stuff.”
“Woah, that’s your idea of taking it easy?”
I sighed. “Yes and no. It isn’t going to be strenuous work, but I figure I only have a couple more weeks before we have to start thinking about the Easter thing and going over the plans for the next festival.”
“I think we have a little more time than that. Sheesh.”
“I don’t want to get complacent. As long as pregnancy feels, I remember stressing out while in labor with Jace, thinking about all the things I didn’t get done. I don’t want to feel like that again. Plus, work and Jace and life in general take time. I don’t have time to sit around and do nothing.”
She burst into laughter. “There’s the girl I know. Go, go, go with no slowing down.”
I smiled. “I don’t know how to slow down.”
“No, you don’t, but I have a feeling you’re going to learn. You know I’m here for you. I’ve got your back. I will take on more of the workload. You can lean on me.”
“I will be leaning on you. I’m going to be falling all over you.”
She laughed. “I cannot wait to see you pregnant!” she squealed.
“Shh, I don’t want to say anything to Jace yet. I figure the father should be the first to know. Or the second to know, I suppose.”
“I’m going to go. I have my own laundry list of crap to get done. Don’t work too hard. Try and relax a little.”
“I will. Thank you again for the quick fix.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow, unless you want to stay home. I can manage on my own. It’s not busy yet.”
“I’ll let you know. I might just go in a little later, depending on how the belly is.”
“Works for me.”
After she was gone, I went for my phone. I wasn’t going to wait for him. I sent a friendly yet stern text to Theo, asking him to call me as soon as he got in. I would go to him. I waited, not sure if he would text back.
His message was curt. He promised to call when he got back into town. With the matter as settled as it could be for the time being, I headed for Jace’s room to start the cleanout. It was long overdue.
Chapter 35
Theo
“You look like someone ran over your dog and burned down your house, all while
stealing your woman,” Sawyer commented.
I scowled at him from across the aisle. “Shut up.”
“Rawr, someone is really cranky.”
“I’m going to throw you off this plane.”
He laughed. “I don’t think I’m going to fit through one of those tiny little windows.”
“I’ll open the door.”
“No, you won’t. That would kill us all.”
I shook my head. “Always the jokester.”
He grinned, not the least bit deterred by my sour mood. “Did you talk to her last night?”
“No.”
“Did you take my advice?”
“Which advice would that be? If I remember clearly, there was a lot of shit coming out of your mouth.” I had drunk a little more than usual. Scratch that. A lot more than usual. It hadn’t been enough to get me wasted, but it had taken the edge off and allowed me to ignore most of the nonsense he’d been spouting. The more he drank, the more he had to say about my life.
He laughed. “I could write a book with all the profound things I have to say.”
“Only you think they are profound. The rest of us think it is rambling nonsense.”
He burst into laughter. “Noted. I’ll keep that in mind. With that said, did you talk to her? Is that what has you in such a foul mood?”
I shook my head again. “No. She is coming to see me once we get home.”
“So, you did talk to her?” he asked with confusion.
“No, she texted me and asked if she could come to me.”
He grimaced. “Oh. That definitely sounds serious.”
“I know. Now I have to believe she is coming to me to avoid having me in her house when she dumps me. I feel sick, physically sick at the idea of not being with her anymore. I know it was new, and I shouldn’t feel this strongly, but I do. I feel very strongly about it—her.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice solemn. “I know you did—I mean do care for her. Honestly, I was hoping it would work out for the two of you. You really deserve a woman who will see past that quirkiness and love you for the good man you are.”
I sighed, turning to stare out the window, watching the clouds go by. “I don’t think I was meant to have real love. It’s not in the cards for me. Maybe I’m unlovable.”
“Don’t say that,” he said. “Your father loved you. You have set your mind to believe love is reserved for certain people, but that isn’t true. You were loved. Hell, I love you like a brother.”
“Thanks. I’m sure he did in his own way, but it wasn’t like a real love. It was an obligatory love.”
Sawyer blew out his cheeks. “Theo, there’s something I need to tell you.”
The way he said it sounded very serious. I turned back to look at him, trying to read his face. “What is it?”
“You know I worked closely with your father,” he started.
I nodded. “I know.”
“I told you before, he talked about you all the time. He loved you. He was very proud of you. He knew he struggled with telling you. He didn’t know how to connect with you. I don’t think it was for a lack of trying, but your dad wasn’t exactly the warm and fuzzy type either. His upbringing was a little chilly. He used to talk to me about what I should do to avoid his mistakes as a father.”
“I’ve heard about his unloving parents and how he moved out when he was sixteen. It only made him stronger. I think he expected me to be stronger than I was.”
He slowly shook his head. “He didn’t think you were weak. I wish the two of you could have talked. You needed a translator, but both of you were too stubborn.”
I smirked. “That’s probably true.”
“The last few months, we spent a lot of time together, and I think he had a sense of what was coming.”
“Really? Was he feeling sick?”
“No, I think it was just something he felt. Maybe it was intuition, or I don’t know, but he started talking about what he wanted and expected me to do after he was gone. He talked about the regrets he had and how he wished he could have done things differently.”
I hated to hear that he had regrets. “I wish he would have been more open about those things. Maybe I could have tried harder.”
“He gave me something to give to you.”
I raised my eyebrows. “He died two years ago,” I pointed out.
He nodded. “I know. He told me to give it to you at the right time. I wasn’t sure when that time was, but something tells me it’s now.”
“Give me what?” I asked.
He grabbed his overnight bag, pulled out an envelope, and held it up. “This.”
“What’s that?”
“A letter.”
“From my dad?” I asked with confusion. “Why wouldn’t he give it to the attorney? Why would you wait so long to give it to me?”
“Because like I said, he wanted it to be the right time.”
“Why? Why does it have to be the right time?”
He sat down, still holding the letter. “Because you probably wouldn’t be able to accept his words back then. You were grieving in your own way. I know you. I know you were in a dark place, whether you realize it or not. You withdrew more than usual. You might not realize how much you loved your father, but you did, just like he loved you. You weren’t ready to hear his words to you.”
“What if I’m still not ready?” I asked, suddenly wanting nothing to do with whatever was in that letter.
He smiled. “You’re ready.”
“What makes you think so?”
“Because you opened your heart again.”
I scowled at him. “You’re sounding very philosophical.”
He chuckled. “I have my moments. Seriously though, you’re ready. I think it might help with your current situation. You have this idea in your head that you can’t be loved. Read the letter. I’ll give you some time.”
He got up, handed me the letter, and walked to the front of the plane. I held the letter in my hand for several minutes. I wasn’t sure I was ready to read a message from my father. I had kind of put away the memory of him. I chose to see him as the guy who started the company. That helped keep things separate in my mind. If I didn’t think of him as my dad, it was easy to not feel sad that he was gone.
“Dammit,” I growled, sliding my finger under the seal.
I took a deep breath before opening the letter. I braced myself for a lecture about not thinking big enough, about not making him proud. It made sense he would put it in a letter. He’d want his last words to me to be fatherly advice.
Dear Theodore,
If you’re reading this, I’m gone. It’s hard to guess how long I’ve been gone. Sawyer was given explicit instructions to hold the letter until he felt it was the right time. He’s a good friend. He loves you like a brother. I’m glad you have him. He seems to understand you far better than I ever did. For that, I’m grateful. I always felt like you were alone on an island and I couldn’t reach you. No one could reach you, except Sawyer.
I know a letter seems like a coward’s way, but honestly, son, I just didn’t know how to say what I felt. I tried. I tried so many times, but the words never came out right and we ended up arguing. We are a lot alike, whether you believe it or not. We couldn’t communicate because emotions were hard to put into words.
I love you. I’ve loved you since the very moment you were born. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you when I was there with you. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you felt like you were alone. I hated to see you by yourself. I hated to see you struggling so much and there was nothing I could say or do to make you feel better.
I’m proud of you. Very proud of you. Your creations were masterpieces. I know you are going to take the business to the next level. I always trusted in your keen business sense, even if it didn’t always seem that way. I was an old man, set in my ways. I was used to things being done a certain way and was stubborn. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more receptive to your ideas. I should have
been. Add that to the long list of regrets I carried with me to the grave.
Be a better man than I was. Be a better business owner. Listen to your people. Keep up with your creativity. Don’t let anyone tell you your ideas don’t matter. They do matter. You matter. You’re a good person. A far better person than I ever was. I always thought you were a diamond in the rough. You needed polishing and I couldn’t figure out how to do that.
Don’t hold yourself back from enjoying life. Never put off doing something you want. Take chances. Big risks equal big rewards—in all aspects of life. I wish I would have found love again. I let myself get caught up in the business and didn’t think about all the time I was wasting, chasing success. I was too afraid of losing another woman I loved and, ultimately, died a lonely man.
You are going to make a very good father one day. You’ll be a much better father than I was. I hope you will be better. I’m confident you will be. Just remember to say what you feel. Open your heart and don’t be afraid to be hurt. Love is a precious gift that life gives us. Don’t be afraid to take it.
Love. Be loved. Live. Really live. Sawyer can manage the business. The two of you divide and conquer.
I love you. I’ve always loved you, and most importantly, I’m so proud of you. I’m proud that you turned out good despite me not being a great father. I have some regrets, but you will always be the one thing I did right. I wish I could have been a better father, but I know you. You’ll learn from my mistakes. You’ll be ten times the man I ever was.
You are my greatest accomplishment. I love you.
Love,
Dad
I folded the letter and slid it back inside the envelope. I didn’t know what I was feeling just then. It felt like I had been hit with a giant ball of emotion. I stared at the envelope, the words I had read echoing through my head.
Sawyer returned to his seat across from me. “You okay?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yes.”
“I’m sorry I waited so long, but I wanted to make sure you read the letter.”
“Have you read it?” I asked.
“Nope. He gave it to me, and it has been in my safe at home since that day. I got it out a couple of days ago with the intention of giving it to you, but things got a little hectic.”
All About The Treats Page 22