“No! I don’t do relationships, you know that.” Maybe if I reminded him we’d talked about my love life before, he’d remember I was still the same person he used to be friends with. Maybe he’d take pity on me.
But that wasn’t happening. “So when you say ‘seeing,’ you mean you’ve been sleeping with her? You’re throwing your whole career away for a quick fuck?”
“Max!” I held up my hands, my heart pounding. “It’s not going to be the end of my career. I’m already planning to change jobs.” At least, I was now.
“I have to report this,” he said. “I can’t let it slide. You’ve already been warned. Maybe it’d be different if this was the love of your life, but if it’s only sex? How would I know you won’t do the same with other clients?”
“I would never.” I couldn’t even imagine it. “I never planned this. I wasn’t abusing my power. She just – she happened. I fought it every step of the way, but somehow she pulled me in. I swear to God, I couldn’t help it.”
He tilted his head to one side. “Are you sure you’re not in love? Because you sure sound like it.” He waved a hand. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter – not to me. Sylvia, you can go home. Your position is terminated, effective immediately.”
I sucked in a breath. “Max, you don’t mean that. You don’t have anyone to cover the visits for the rest of the day. And it’s me. You don’t want to fire me.”
“You’re right, I don’t want to. You put me in this position.” His eyes were fiery. “As for who’s going to cover the visits, I’m the one who’ll figure that out. It’s not your concern anymore.”
He was serious. “Max, please. You can’t…”
“I can,” he said. “I have to. You don’t seem to understand, this is serious. You can’t just do what you want and expect there to be no consequences. You avoided them for a while, and now they’re catching up to you. I gave you a second chance, and in return, you spat in my face.”
My nausea was worse. I felt like I was going to throw up at any second. “Please,” I whispered. “We used to be friends. Can’t you just…”
“I’m already doing you a favor by not calling security,” he said coldly. “Now pack your things and get out of here before I have to do that.”
In the parking lot, I stopped in front of a garbage can. I stuck my finger down my throat, urging myself to vomit. The sickly taste of bile would fit so perfectly with how I felt right now. I wanted to be disgusted. Maybe it’d stop me from feeling so utterly disgusted with myself.
As hard as I tried, nothing came up. That was fitting, too. I was a failure in every way possible.
I dumped my box of belongings in the passenger seat and got into the car. Tears blurred my eyes as I drove.
When my roommates trickled in later that night, they left me alone – until Arlene got home. She let herself into my room when I wouldn’t open it, then took one look at the box of belongings on the floor. Deedee had made a comfortable seat for herself inside, blissfully ignorant as to what box meant.
“Oh, honey,” Arlene said, “you didn’t do something stupid. Tell me you didn’t.”
Lying front side down on the bed, I pressed my face back into the pillow.
“Sylvia…” she said warningly.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“This was about that woman, wasn’t it?”
She wasn’t going to leave me alone. Reluctantly, I rolled over. “Why would you guess that?”
“Because you’re damn good at your job, and the thing that happened with her was your only mistake.” She sat on the side of the bed. “I can’t think of anything else that’d have you home in bed at this hour with the box of shame lying on the floor.”
“Okay, I got fired.” The word was sour in my mouth. “And it was because of her. You caught me. Can you leave now?”
“Sylvia, it’s going to be okay. There are other jobs, but you only have one soulmate.”
“Who said she was my soulmate? We were hooking up. That was all.”
“Really? Because the way you’ve been walking on air these past few months, I was going to ask when you two were getting married.”
I blinked. “Wait. You knew?”
Arlene shrugged casually. “I guessed you were seeing someone. I didn’t know if it was her. Come on, you were suddenly out all the time, and you were humming to yourself with a dopey smile on your face when you were around. It wasn’t hard to figure out.”
Had I been doing that? I rolled onto my front again. “It doesn’t matter anymore,” I said, my voice muffled by the pillow. “It’s all over now. She wanted a real relationship, and I couldn’t give that to her.” It felt like half my heart had been ripped out of my chest.
“Why not?”
“How could I? There’s my job, for one thing. Well, not anymore.” I laughed bitterly. “Mostly, I just don’t do relationships. You know that.”
“What exactly do you not believe in?” Arlene asked. “Love? Because if you ask me, you’ve already found it.”
“Of course not. Don’t be silly.”
Max’s voice echoed through my mind. Are you sure you’re not in love? Because you sure sound like it. That made two people in one day who thought I was in love with Jenelle. I’d certainly considered whether I might have feelings for her – and I’d concluded that I didn’t! Why was everyone so keen to believe I did?
“If you’re not in love with her, then you’re totally fine with not seeing her anymore?” Arlene asked. “You’re not going to miss her or anything?”
“Of course I am. I’m fucking devastated. I was a wreck, even before I got fired.” I turned my head to the side so I could look at her. “That doesn’t make it love. I’ll miss the sex, and yeah, I enjoyed her company. It’s just like how I’d miss you if you moved out.”
“You’d be devastated if I moved out?”
“Well…” That was different. I’d be a little sad, but I’d get over it. It wouldn’t be anything like this all-consuming loss I felt right now.
“I get it,” Arlene said. “You wouldn’t be heartbroken.”
“That’s not what I am right now!”
“Why are you so eager to deny it?”
“Because it’s not true.”
“Let me ask you this. Have you ever felt how you feel for her about anybody else?”
I scratched my head. “No, but…”
“No buts.” She punched my shoulder lightly. “What are you so afraid of? It seems like you two are practically a couple already. What do you think would happen if you made it official?”
“I don’t know.” I tried to think her question through so I could give it a fair answer. “I guess things would be pretty similar to how they already were. Maybe even better – for a while.”
“And then?”
“These things always go bad. Somebody cheats, somebody lies. You get bored, or they do. The other person starts holding you back, dragging you down like an anchor around your neck. Next thing you know, you’re breaking up and your ten-year-old daughter is wondering why Mommy is crying all the time and Daddy doesn’t talk to her anymore.” I slapped a hand over my mouth.
“Now we’re getting somewhere.” Arlene sounded almost smug. “You’re still traumatized by what happened to your parents when you were little.”
“It’s not just about that. I’ve seen it happen over and over. Relationships lead to misery. I’m better off on my own.”
“If that’s true, then why are you so miserable right now?”
“I let things go too far. We were too close to being in a relationship. I should’ve kept it to just sex. Better yet, nothing at all.”
“Sylvia.” Arlene rested her hand on my shoulder. “You were happier than you’ve ever been, can’t you see that? And you just told me, things might be even better if you and Jenelle were officially together. Sometimes you have to go through the downs if you want to have the ups. You have to take the risks, or else you risk missing out on life comple
tely.”
“But I’m safe by myself,” I said stubbornly. “I’m not risking anything.”
“Tell me, hasn’t your life been better since Jenelle’s been in it?”
“No.”
I didn’t even expect her to believe me. The past few months had been pretty damn spectacular – and that was after taking into account all the guilt and worry. If I was able to date Jenelle openly, without hiding… I didn’t want to think about how amazing that could be.
“Quit kidding yourself. It’s not working. How do you feel about her?”
“I… like her.”
Arlene’s eyebrows shot up. “Is that all?”
“I… guess I care.”
“And? Say it. You know how you feel.”
“I can’t say it.”
“You’ve known it for a long time. You just have to open your heart.”
I swallowed hard. “I don’t know how.”
“You just have to let yourself do exactly what you feel,” she said. “It’s going to feel so amazing when you don’t have to keep those feelings shuttered up in your heart. When you can let them spill out, and when she gives her heart back.”
“But…”
“Tell me how you feel. Say it out loud.”
“I love her, okay? You caught me. I’m in love with her, and I don’t have a damn clue of what to do about it.”
“That’s fantastic!” she shouted. “Saying that was a huge step. Now you just have to tell her that, and then you can be together forever.” She went all dreamy-eyed. “You don’t even know how lucky you are. People search their whole lives for the kind of love you stumbled straight into. And she loves you back. It couldn’t be any better.”
Maybe I was lucky, but it didn’t feel like that right now. “I just wanted it to keep going how it was,” I said in a small voice. “Why couldn’t we be friends who also had sex?”
“Because that’s not how it works. You’re head over heels for her, and the only thing keeping you from telling her is your fear of being hurt. But look at you – you’re already hurt. It didn’t work. You might as well go for the whole enchilada.”
I sat up straight so I could look her in the eye. “Was that a sex joke?”
“Only if your dirty mind made it that way.” She leaned over to give me a quick hug. “You see that I’m right, don’t you?”
“Maybe a little bit.” Okay, or a lot.
“Good.” She grinned. “Now, how are you going to get your girl back?”
Twenty-Four – Jenelle
The day was finally here. The court was half-empty as I walked in for the review hearing. My lawyer, a middle-aged man in a sloppy suit, sat sleepily at my side. I shuffled through a folder of notes, then pushed them over to him. Now that I had more time after work, I’d been able to research what the judge wanted to see and construct an argument for why I should get my baby back.
“What’s this?” he asked.
He hadn’t given me any time to meet, so I hadn’t been able to show him beforehand. “Some information you can use today.”
He flipped through the pages. “Hmm.”
“Are you going to use it? Because I put a lot of time and effort into putting that together, and if you’re not going to use it, I’ll stand up and say I want to represent myself.” I’d read that that was a possibility, and given how useless he was, I was ready to take advantage of it.
His brow furrowed as he continued to scan through the information. “No, that will be fine. This looks… thorough.” He looked up, and his eyes met mine. Was that a hint of guilt, maybe? Was he aware that he hadn’t really been doing his job? “Thank you.”
I sat back, satisfied with myself. “You’re very welcome.”
Mercy came in with her foster parents, and I waved. She had new jeans on, ones those two must’ve bought for her. She’d grown what seemed like a foot since she’d been taken from me, and her old clothes didn’t fit anymore. Those two wouldn’t let her run around in clothes she’d grown out of – but I refused to let that make me feel guilty. Once she came home to me, I wouldn’t let her, either. I’d make sure she could have anything in the world.
The hearing started. I paid as close attention as I could, even if a lot of the legalese went over my head. Things seemed to be going better than they had at the last hearing – then again, that wasn’t saying much. If things weren’t good enough, the judge could decide to keep Mercy with the foster family for another six months. That would kill me. The past six had been hard enough, and I truly didn’t know how I could get through six more.
Please send Mercy home. Please send Mercy home.
At last, the judge banged his gavel. “I’ve heard enough. Mercy Emory is cleared to return to her mother, contingent on…”
I stopped listening at that point. Whatever I needed to do, I’d do it. Tears flooded my eyes, and I rushed across the courtroom to snatch my baby up into my arms. I spun her around and around, both of us clutching each other and sobbing. My heart was too full – it was overflowing.
I’d been given a second chance, and I wasn’t going to mess it up this time. I’d take full responsibility for what I did wrong, and I wouldn’t blame anybody else for my failures. I was going to be the best damn mother I could be, and I’d love my daughter more whole-heartedly and passionately than anybody ever had. I was getting my baby back. She was coming back to me!
I only reluctantly put Mercy down when the lawyer came over to us. “I can meet with you to follow up on that parenting plan. If you don’t meet the court’s requirements, you can still have her taken again.” It was like he felt guilty for being such a shitty lawyer before.
“Just email me whatever I need to know,” I said, fluffing up Mercy’s hair. “I’m sure you’re awfully busy.”
I turned toward her foster parents, my heart twisting in my chest. All these months, I’d thought of them as the people who’d kept my baby from me. But they’d kept her safe, given her food and shelter. Now that I was getting her back, I felt oddly warm toward them. Their home was going to be as empty and cold as my apartment had been, now that Mercy would be leaving them.
“Thank you,” I said quietly – words I’d never imagined myself saying to them. “You looked after my baby for me.”
Stephen gave me a slight smile, and I could’ve sworn Linda was on the verge of tears. “She’s going back where she belongs,” she said. “She’s been dying to go home to you – although we’ll miss her terribly.”
I had a lump in my throat, and I knew my tears would start flowing again if I were to speak. I gave her a slight nod. Mercy and I would have to go back and collect her things from their place later, and there’d be time to say whatever we needed to say. For now, it was time for us to leave – together. The part of me that had been missing for so long slotted back into place.
Something kept me from being completely elated as I walked toward the door of the courtroom, and it took me a moment to figure out what it was. This wasn’t quite how I’d imagined. It was close – but in my fantasies of this moment, Sylvia had been here, too. I’d imagined her hug would enfold me after the judge’s announcement, and that one of us would be on either side of Mercy as we left.
I’d thought people might notice that she was more familiar with me than a social worker should be, and if I were to be totally honest, I’d kind of pictured her standing up and announcing our relationship. I’d thought we’d go back to my place together, and that I’d explain to Mercy that Sylvia was more than a friend to me. And that from that point on, maybe we could start to be… a family.
But that didn’t matter. Those were silly ideas in the first place. Raising my head high, I put my hand on my daughter’s shoulder. She was all I cared about. I didn’t need anyone or anything, so long as nobody came between me and my daughter.
Just outside the courtroom, a familiar face made me stop in my tracks.
Sylvia leaned against the wall like she was waiting for a hearing to let out. I averted my eyes. S
he was probably here for one of her other clients – this was part of her job, wasn’t it? She didn’t want to see me, and I didn’t want to see her. That was the absolute last thing I wanted.
“Jenelle.” She’d spotted me, and her voice was soft and pleading. “Mercy.”
“Sylvia!” Mercy burst out. “You came!”
I started to glare at Sylvia for speaking to my daughter, and the quietly desperate look on her face stopped me. “What are you doing here?” I glanced her up and down. She wore jeans and a light sweater, no make-up. She couldn’t be here in any official capacity.
“I came for you.” She reached out as if to touch me, then drew her hand back. “Things went well in there?”
“I get Mercy back, just like I should,” I told her defiantly. If she’d come to gawk at my pain, she could go to hell.
She spun a lock of her hair between her fingers. A nervous tic? “I’ve been thinking a lot over the last couple of weeks. Jenelle… I fucked up, and I’m sorry.”
“You said a bad word,” Mercy put in.
Sylvia looked down at her. “Yes, I did, and I’ve made other mistakes too. One was big enough to get me fired. But the biggest was not realizing what I had when I had it.” She paused, letting that sink in. “Not wanting to let myself feel what I should’ve known I actually felt.”
My heart pounded. “What are you saying, Sylvia?” I chose my words carefully because of Mercy. “If you want things to be… the way they were before… that’s not enough for me. I already told you that.”
“I know, and that’s not what I want. I want this to be real. I want all of you.” Her eyes shone. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I hadn’t figured it out myself. I love you, Jenelle.”
I tried to swallow. This was exactly what I’d been hoping for, and I couldn’t believe it was happening. “I – I don’t know what to say,” I finally stammered. “I – I can’t even…” Believe this? Breathe? Both were true.
Mercy was silent beside me, taking it all in.
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