Survivor's Guilt

by Michelle Arnold

  Lola chuckled. “So he knows now what Abi is like,” she said.

  Greta couldn’t help laughing. “Yes, it sounds like he does.”

  Once Lola had calmed back down, she insisted on cooking a big brunch for the three of them. She decided, eventually, that she was glad to have found out what had happened to Abi’s father, but that everything had worked out for the best.

  When Greta left, Abi walked her out into the hallway. “Thanks for coming,” she said.

  “It’s what friends do,” Greta said lightly, although it meant the world to her that she was the one Abi had called on.

  “Did you mean what you said, about already not being able to imagine your life without me?”

  “Yes,” Greta admitted. “Sometimes it feels like my life was in black and white before, but it’s in color now, since I met you. Like when Dorothy went to Oz.”

  “Yeah, I can’t imagine life without you either,” Abi admitted. She hugged Greta goodbye, and Greta reveled in the feeling of Abi’s arms around her.

  5

  A Suitor

  July 2018

  Abi did not know what she would have done if Mercy ER hadn’t been renewed for a second season. It would have turned her life upside down, that was for sure. Thankfully the first season had been a success, and now they were all returning to start work on season two. It was nice to have Greta back in the makeup chair, although she had seen her regularly over the hiatus. Greta had taken Abi to many of her favorite New York haunts, including some Abi definitely could never have gotten into without Greta.

  “I used to hate coming to places like this because everyone’s so, well, fake,” Greta had said one night while they were at some fancy charity dinner, while Abi sat next to her, feeling slightly out of her league wearing a Dolce & Gabbana dress she’d borrowed from Greta. “I feel like there’s a script everyone’s following, but I never got a copy. I feel like that at all high-brow events.”

  “So why do you feel differently now that you’re here with me?” Abi had asked with raised brows. “I certainly didn’t get the script either.”

  “Because you’re always unapologetically you no matter where you are,” Greta had replied. “And that makes me feel free to be myself and not care what anyone else thinks, because I know you like me the way I am.”

  And she did. She really did, more than she should. Which was why she was not really pleased when Jeff, a guest writer working on the next episode of the show, seemed to take a special interest in Greta during filming. Even worse was how charmingly nervous he was when he tried to talk to Greta between scenes. This was no cocky showbiz guy who thought he was entitled to whatever beautiful woman he set his sights on. He was a shy, humble writer with a very understandable crush. He was actually a very nice bloke, the bastard. He might actually deserve a woman like Greta.

  “Jeff certainly seems smitten with you,” Abi said while she was removing Greta’s makeup at the end of the day, trying hard to sound casual.

  “He does seem interested in talking to me, doesn’t he?” Greta agreed, her cheeks reddening even as the blush came off.

  “He can’t take his eyes off you. So are you going to go for it?” Abi had to work hard to keep all emotion out of her voice.

  “I don’t think so,” said Greta. “I’ve never had much success with relationships.”

  “Well, anyone who’s single could say that. They all fail until you find the one that sticks, ya know?”

  “I know, but I never seem to be what the other person was expecting. It’s almost always the other person who ends the relationship, and I always feel like such a failure. It’s just the story of my life. I never seem to be what people want me to be.”

  “Now you listen to me, Greta Lang,” Abi said, taking Greta’s chin in her hand and turning her face upwards to look at her. This was one thing she had missed during the hiatus: having an excuse to put her hands on Greta’s face. “You are exactly the person you should be, and I for one think you’re just right the way you are. Anyone who deserves to be in your life will feel the same way. So if you are interested in that man, don’t you dare hold back because you think you aren’t good enough. The question is whether he is good enough to handle you.”

  Abi spoke the words with conviction. She might not like the thought of Greta being with Jeff, but she did want Greta to be happy, and she couldn’t stand the thought of her feeling like she wasn’t good enough.

  “I guess I’ll just…see what happens,” Greta said uncertainly.

  Abi had to admit she was hoping nothing would happen, but she knew she would support Greta no matter what, because damn it, she loved her. There was no use lying to herself about that anymore. And when you loved someone, you put their happiness before your own.

  Jeff continued making awkward attempts at conversation with Greta throughout the week. Greta seemed flattered, but hesitant. Abi kept reminding her that she was amazing and desirable.

  “Jeff asked me out to dinner tonight,” Greta told Abi when she came in to take her makeup off Friday evening.

  “Really,” said Abi. “What did you say?”

  “Well, I’m still nervous, but I thought about what you said, and I decided to take the chance,” said Greta. “He really seems like a great guy. He’s the quiet, intellectual type, which really…that’s what I need.”

  “Definitely. You wouldn’t do well with some loud stupid bloke, that’s for sure.”

  Greta smiled. “So, I don’t know where it will go, but I figure I’d be stupid not to give it a shot, right? I mean, I don’t meet guys like him too often. It’s been ages since anyone decent even showed an interest in me.”

  “No, I think you should go for it. Whatever makes you happy.”

  Greta looked up at Abi. “Will you do my makeup? I mean after you’re done taking off the stage makeup, can you do just regular date makeup?”

  Abi smiled grimly. “Yeah. I can do regular date makeup.”

  6

  The Prodigal Mother

  August 2018

  “Dating a writer isn’t going to do much for your career, you know,” Sylvia pointed out. “If you dated an actor, maybe someone with a leading role, you could generate some interest.”

  “I don’t make dating decisions that are also career moves, Mom,” Greta insisted as she changed from her tailored hospital scrubs into her street clothes. “I’m dating Jeff because he’s really good to me, and he gets me. He understands that I’m happy with my career just the way it is. I would be crazy to waste this chance.”

  “Well, if you feel that strongly about him, does that mean there’s finally going to be a wedding? The media love weddings.”

  “Mother please, I’ve only been dating him for a few weeks. I haven’t developed strong feelings. But I like him, and he treats me well, and that should be all you care about.”

  “It is, honey, but I worry about you. You are such a beautiful woman; you always have been. You could have been getting leading roles, and any man you wanted, all this time if not for the two things you lack: confidence and ambition. It pains me to see my only child missing out on life—”

  “Mother, for the last time, I’m not missing out! I don’t want what you want.”

  There was a knock at the door, and Abi stepped in. “Sorry, is this a bad time?” she said.

  “No, not at all,” Greta sighed. “Just…as you can see, my mother’s in New York. Abi, this is the famous Sylvia Strong. Mom, this is my makeup artist, Abi.”

  “Oh. Hello, Ms. Strong. I’ve heard a lot about you,” said Abi, extending her hand.

  “You’re close with Greta, are you?” Sylvia asked, shaking Abi’s hand. Greta felt self-conscious about Abi seeing this woman who looked like she herself probably would in thirty-five years, except with more garish clothes and makeup, and definitely more Botox. Greta couldn’t see herself ever letting people stick needles in her face, but her mom went in for injections like they were relaxing spa treatments.

  “Yes,
I am close with Greta,” Abi admitted.

  “Wouldn’t you agree that a woman as beautiful and talented as her could have taken her career much further by now?” Sylvia asked her.

  “I would agree that she could have,” Abi said cautiously. “But I respect that she didn’t want to.”

  “Of course she wants to, she’s just scared!” Sylvia exploded. “Everyone wants to be a star! Greta, I’ve had a word with Michael, the producer, and he sounded very open to the idea of exploring your character more this season.”

  “Mom, there’s no way he’s going to explore my character more!” Greta shouted in exasperation. “I’m part of the supporting cast! And if my stage mother starts causing trouble trying to get my character developed more, I could get fired!”

  “Ms. Strong,” said Abi. “Before we make a scene, why don’t you and I go have a drink? I know a lovely bar right down the street, and you and I can get to know each other better. I think we should, as we may be the two people who know Greta best.”

  “Oh, I suppose,” said Sylvia. “I certainly don’t want to keep hanging around here if I’m embarrassing my daughter.”

  “But you haven’t taken my makeup off yet,” said Greta, puzzled.

  “Well, you know how, don’t you?” said Abi.

  “Well, yes, I know how.”

  “So, join us at the Mermaid when you’re done.”

  Greta took her time removing her makeup. She missed the feel of Abi’s gentle fingers on her face, but she knew her friend must have a good reason for shirking her duties. Besides, it was nice to be rid of her mother for the moment. She’d been having this same argument with her for her entire adult life, and she was sick of it. She remembered her very first role, a recurring guest role she’s had on a show in her late teens, playing a major character’s girlfriend. That had been her first kiss: in front of a camera, with a boy she hardly knew. Her mother had gotten her fired for bugging the producers to expand her role, and she had done her best to keep her mother well away from any parts she’d played since then.

  Her mother might have had more of a point with Jeff. She was wrong on the part about dating a writer, of course. Greta had dated an actor once and never planned on doing it again. She needed someone who was well away from the spotlight, someone who could be her respite from all this. But Jeff...well, maybe he would turn into that. He was a great guy, probably the best she’d ever dated. But still…she wasn’t sure she had any business with him when she still had a crush on Abi. She still found herself staring covertly at Abi when the artist was busy with something, just taking in her graceful form; her ebony skin; her long, neat braids with the interwoven gold string. And she could listen to that low, rich voice with that sexy accent forever. Sometimes she would let Abi drone on and on about the history of her favorite soccer team just to listen to her voice.

  This was why she had hesitated to go out with Jeff. It didn’t seem fair to him when she was already hung up on someone else. But Abi’s encouragement had made it clear that she was not an option, so Greta knew she had to stop thinking of her like that one way or another, and she would have fallen for Jeff in a heartbeat if she’d met him before Abi. Maybe her feelings for Jeff would develop over time. He certainly deserved them. And it was nice, sometimes, just to have someone to hold her. He really was wonderful.

  Yet somehow, the afternoons spent watching boring soccer games next to Abi filled her memories more fondly than the romantic evenings with Jeff.

  She finally made her way to The Gilded Mermaid and found her mother and Abi sitting at the bar, talking and laughing with Lola. She walked over to them, uncertain where she should go.

  “Here, you can have my seat,” Abi said, moving down a stool so Greta could sit between her and Sylvia. “We’ve just been talking. Everything’s okay now.”

  Everything was okay now? How was that even possible?

  “I’m sorry for being so hard on you about your career,” Sylvia said, taking Greta’s hand. “I didn’t realize I was making you feel like a failure. I just want what’s best for you, that’s all.”

  “Sometimes what’s best for our kids is not what we think it is,” said Lola. “For so long, I thought my Abi was going to be a scientist, or a surgeon. Her whole childhood, she read books about every kind of science there is, things I never even heard of! She wanted a telescope, she wanted a chemistry set, she wanted one of those clear Ken dolls with the organs you can take out.”

  “He wasn’t a Ken doll, Mum. It was just an anatomy model,” Abi interjected.

  “Whatever you call it, I never thought you would end up as a makeup artist,” Lola said. “An artist of some kind, maybe. You were so talented with art too.” She turned back to Sylvia. “We thought if she didn’t become a scientist or doctor, she would have paintings hanging at Tate Modern! She drew and painted and made things with clay. She won awards in school. I was a little disappointed when she decided to study art in university instead of science, but I couldn’t believe it when she decided to specialize in makeup! Where did that come from? How could someone with so much talent and such a big brain decide to be a makeup artist?”

  Sylvia looked at Abi. “How did you decide to become a makeup artist?”

  Abi shrugged. “I loved theatre, but never wanted to perform. I just wanted to be part of it. And I discovered that the art of makeup is just as complex as painting or sculpting. I’ve never had any regrets. I love my job.”

  “It took a long time for me to accept that Abi is using her brains and talent, just not in the way I expected,” said Lola. “But she’s using them in the way that she wants, which means she’s happy. And that’s what we want the most, isn’t it? For our children to be happy?”

  “Yes, of course!” said Sylvia quickly. “I’ve always wanted Greta to be happy. That’s why I push her to be the best that she can be.”

  “But maybe it’s time for you to see that she is being her best, that what she has is what makes her happy,” Lola said. “One of my favorite things about Abi’s career is the wonderful people she’s met, and she’s only brought the best of those into my life. Greta is a joy to be around. Anyone can see that she is quite pleased with her life. I know you live far from Greta, but when you’re around her, do you take the time to just enjoy her for who she is, or are you always trying to push her to be something better?”

  Sylvia turned to Greta with a troubled look. “No, I guess I don’t enjoy our time together as much as I could.”

  “You can’t, if you two are always butting heads,” said Lola earnestly. “You have to accept her for who she is, and then you can enjoy how truly wonderful she is.”

  Sylvia squeezed Greta’s hand. “I’m so sorry, my dear. I’ve been so busy trying to make you into who I thought you wanted to be, I haven’t taken the time to really listen to you, and I suppose that means I am missing out on enjoying my time with you.”

  “It’s okay,” said Greta softly, holding back tears. “I just want us to be a regular mother and daughter.”

  “Our time on this Earth is limited,” said Lola sagely. “We must love each other while we can.”

  “Oh Greta, I do love you, you must know that,” Sylvia said, her voice breaking. “And if Jeff is the man you want, then I’m sure he’s perfect for you. I can’t wait to meet him.”

  “I’m not sure we’re at that point yet, but I’ll let you know if we get there,” Greta said.

  Sylvia pulled her into a hug. “I’m glad I did meet Abi and Lola. They appreciate you more than I ever have. But I promise, Greta, I’ll change that. I’ll be better.”

  Greta never knew exactly what Abi had said before she got there, but she got the impression over time that she hadn’t been as gentle as Lola. Whatever it was, it seemed to get the message across. Greta couldn’t believe that after spending years and years of trying to get her mother to see her point of view, all it took was one conversation with Abi and Lola to get her there.

  7

  A Friend Lost


  September 2018

  Abi was excited. She was about to make her first trip to Los Angeles. Mercy ER had been nominated for a Primetime Emmy, which meant the entire cast had to attend the ceremony. Greta was paying for Abi to come with her and do her makeup, but first, she had to figure out what to wear. Jordan, the head of the wardrobe department at Mercy ER, was only too glad to help out. Everyone loved Jordan. The man was queer as fuck, like most good wardrobe designers, but that was just fine with Abi. He was also the wittiest person on set, and he had a big heart. He was responsible for making Greta’s nurse’s scrubs accentuate her sexy curves instead of just hanging on her the way real scrubs would. He was only too happy to have the chance to dress her in something more exciting for a change.

  “Okay, I have a bunch of choices, and I’ll just take back whatever you don’t like,” he explained to her in her dressing room, while Abi watched in amusement. “I got a wide variety, so…what do you think of this? A sheer gown with feathers by Zuhair Murad.”

  “I guess I can try it,” Greta said uncertainly.

  “You will be the foxiest lady at the Emmys in this, trust me,” Jordan said, handing over the gown, still in its garment bag.

  She went behind a screen to put it on, and then they heard her muffled voice. “Jordan, this gown is too sheer. I won’t even be able to wear underwear in this.”

  “Underwear is so out of style. Come out and let us see.”

  “Jordan, I’m not wearing this.”

  “Just let us see and then you can take it off.”

  Cheeks red, Greta came out from behind the screen. She wasn’t kidding about it being see-through. Strategically-placed beads concealed the front of her breasts and her pubis, but her hips were fully visible, as were the sides of her breasts.

  “This is not happening,” Greta informed him. “Give me the next dress.”