Survivor's Guilt

by Michelle Arnold

  “Fine,” said Jordan with an exaggerated eye roll. “Try this blue tulle dress from Oscar de la Renta.”

  Greta disappeared behind the screen, but as she went, Abi observed that her bum was on full display through the sheer fabric. She quickly averted her eyes, not because she didn’t want to see, but because she very much did.

  “This is pretty, but it’s still a little more see-through than I would prefer,” Greta said a few minutes later, emerging in a deep blue gown with a design sewn on in green fabric leaves. Although the skirt was opaque, you could pretty much see through the bodice, though the leaves ensured there were no nipples visible.

  “Okay, so what you’re saying is, you want something modest,” Jordan said with a sigh.

  “More modest than this!”

  “Okay. I don’t know why you don’t want to show off that beautiful bod, but I respect a woman’s right to do what she chooses with her own body. What about this one? Blue tulle, not at all see-through.”

  “Thank you.” Greta snatched up the newly proffered garment bag and went back behind the screen. She emerged a few minutes later wearing a stunning dress with a beaded bodice that dipped low in the front, showing just a little cleavage.

  “Oh, Greta,” Abi said, unable to stop herself. “That shade of blue contrasts perfectly with your hair.” In her head she was already working out what color eyeshadow would look best with this.

  “Does it show my boobs too much?” Greta asked self-consciously.

  “No, no, it hardly shows them at all,” Abi promised, thrilled just to have the opportunity to talk about Greta’s boobs without it seeming weird.

  “You look perfect,” Jordan promised. “Now we just need to find shoes to match.”

  Greta lit up. She loved shoes. “What do you have?”

  “Try these. Manolo Blahnik, satin heels with crystal embellishments.”

  “They’re perfect!” Greta grabbed the shoes and put them on, then strutted gracefully around the small room while Abi and Jordan applauded her. She finally began to look excited about making her first trip to the Emmys.

  “Did you enjoy seeing Greta in those see-through dresses?” Jordan asked Abi later, when she was helping him pack away Greta’s rejects.

  She scowled. “I’m a lesbian who’s not dead, so yeah, but what’s your point?”

  “I knew she would never wear that dress. Modest and classy, that’s Greta’s preferred look.”

  “So why’d you have her try it on?”

  “Two reasons. One, as a favor to you. You’re welcome. And two, because if I’d given her that pretty blue dress first, she would have rejected it outright because it shows cleavage. But because I started with something completely unreasonable, she is now happy to be wearing that fabulous gown that she will blow everyone away in, including you. Again, you’re welcome.”

  Abi couldn’t help laughing. “You’re quite the schemer.”

  “You have no idea.” He sobered for a moment. “But I don’t have the time or the energy to Parent Trap you two, so do me a favor and promise you’ll ask her out as soon as she’s done with this Jeff nonsense.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You know perfectly well what I mean. Jeff is a great guy, I’d shag him myself if he went that way, but he and Greta have no chemistry. You know who Greta does have chemistry with? You, the lady who’s still her favorite person even now that she’s been dating the perfect guy for two months.”

  “You’re making that up,” said Abi, looking down.

  “I’m not. Maybe no one else can see it, but I have a special talent. I can tell when two people are meant to be together. You know those two extras who are getting married? I’m the one who introduced them. Two jobs before this, I told a stunt guy to ask out a particular stunt gal. She’s pregnant with their second baby now. I’m telling you, I’m never wrong.”

  “She’s not interested in me,” Abi told him quietly. “She wouldn’t be with Jeff if she was.”

  “Look, she may be an actress, but she’s shyer than a librarian, and she never expects anyone to like her. I’m telling you, once Jeff’s gone, make your move.” He shrugged. “I’m just trying to do you a solid here. You two would be great together.”

  “Tell Greta that,” Abi mumbled.

  “Maybe I will,” said Jordan, turning to walk away.

  “No, don’t!” Abi said, her eyes wide. “Seriously, don’t!”

  He cast back an enigmatic smile and continued on his way.

  The Emmys were a success. Greta looked perfect in her gown, and it was a good thing too, since Mercy ER won its Emmy, so she did have to walk up onstage with the rest of the cast. She looked so perfect and natural up there, Abi couldn’t help feeling proud. But when Jeff called later and Greta lay back on her hotel bed, gushing on the phone about how much fun she’d had, Abi knew Jordan’s well-intentioned advice had been wrong. Greta was clearly into Jeff, not her.

  Still, Abi enjoyed the first-class flights, and the nice thing about flying coast to coast was that she got to see quite a few states from the air. She also bought a bunch of postcards at LAX to send to her family and friends back home.

  When they went to work the next day, Jordan wasn’t there.

  Nobody knew what to make of it, but everyone’s costumes were already planned out for the day, so filming commenced as usual.

  It wasn’t until after lunch that Michael, the showrunner, called everyone on set for an emergency meeting. They all came to the biggest set they had, which was the ER lobby and waiting area. Abi stood next to Greta, both of them wondering what this was about.

  “Some of you may have already heard in the news that the F-train had to be stopped last night shortly after three a.m. when a man threw himself onto the tracks and was killed,” Michael said with difficulty. “It grieves me to say that the man was identified as our very own Jordan Manning.”

  There was an audible gasp, and Abi felt like her heart was being ripped in two. Next to Greta, Jordan was the closest friend she’d made since coming to New York. He’d become the person she hung out with when Greta was busy, and he was always ready for a drink at the Mermaid. “I had no idea he was suicidal,” she said weakly.

  “Those of you who have worked with Jordan in the past know he has struggled with mental illness for years,” Michael continued. “I don’t know what happened last night, but he appears to have made an impulsive decision that unfortunately ended up being very final. I know this probably comes as a shock to everyone, so I’m going to stop filming early today, let you all go home and have some time to process and spend time with loved ones. But Jordan would agree that the show must go on, so I will expect you all back here at eight a.m. sharp tomorrow. I will have grief counselors available if anyone needs to talk.”

  Abi was still staring in disbelief, but she realized Greta was sobbing beside her. She turned and gathered the redhead in her arms.

  “I should have seen that he was struggling,” Greta said. “Maybe I could have helped him.”

  “No love, you couldn’t have known,” Abi soothed her. “I had no idea either. He mentioned having mental health problems once, but I thought he had it under control. He always seemed so happy. He was excited about getting everyone ready for the Emmys.”

  “But maybe if I hadn’t been so focused on the Emmys, I would have noticed something was off.”

  “That’s what people who are struggling do, Greta. They hide it so they can function normally. And like Michael said, it was an impulsive decision. Maybe he wasn’t suicidal when we last saw him, but something tipped him over the edge last night.”

  “I wonder what it was,” Greta said tearfully.

  “I don’t know. I wish I knew. I wish we could have stopped it,” Abi said, beginning to cry now herself as the news sunk in more.

  “I wish he’d reached out to someone instead of jumping in front of a train,” Greta sobbed, her face crumpling.

  “I know.” Abi gave her a squeeze. “Come on, le
t’s get you back in your street clothes so you can go home,” she said, leading Greta to her dressing room. “I’ll take your makeup off. You won’t be needing it anymore today.”

  “Will you stay at my house tonight?” Greta asked as she settled into her makeup chair. “I don’t think I want to be alone.”

  “Of course. Of course I’ll stay.”

  Greta went home on her own while Abi took the subway to her apartment to gather a few things, like her toothbrush and clothes for the next day. It was impossible to ride the subway without thinking of Jordan jumping onto the tracks (though at least it had been a different line), so she was quite emotional by the time she got home.

  “You’re home early,” Lola said, pausing in the middle of mopping the kitchen.

  “Yeah, we got let go early,” Abi said, her voice wavering. “Jordan killed himself last night.”

  “What, that young boy? But he always seemed so happy!”

  “Well I didn’t know it, but apparently he struggled with depression,” said Abi.

  “That’s horrible,” Lola said, her face crumpling. “He was a good boy. A good boy.”

  “Yeah,” said Abi wistfully. “Well anyway, I gotta get my stuff and go to Greta’s. She wants me to stay with her tonight. She’s pretty upset too.”

  “She asked you to stay instead of her boyfriend?”

  “Mum, Jeff doesn’t know Jordan. I…I knew him really well, so it makes more sense for Greta and me to be together right now. I understand how she feels.”

  And that explanation did make sense, but as she stuffed her necessities into a backpack and headed back out, the idea did give her a little satisfaction in the midst of her grief. Greta had asked for her, not Jeff.

  When she got to Greta’s house, the redhead answered the door with her eyes red and puffy and a crumpled tissue in her hands.

  “You look like you could use a cuppa tea,” said Abi. “Come on, let’s go down to the real kitchen.” She led her friend down to the garden level and brewed two cups of tea in the big, airy kitchen. “I’m British, so this is what I do when someone’s upset,” she said. “I make tea.”

  “I’d be grateful for some tea right now,” said Greta with a small smile. “We could drink it in the garden. It’s warm enough.”

  So they went outside with their teacups and sat at the wooden patio table, surrounded by vine-covered brick walls and potted plants of varying sizes. There was a slight coolness in the breeze and a dampness from earlier rain.

  “It was hard riding the subway home,” Abi said, breaking the silence. “I took a cab here. I just…couldn’t go down there without picturing Jordan throwing himself onto the tracks.”

  “I don’t blame you,” said Greta quickly. “It’s hard to imagine…such a gruesome way to go, and so traumatic for everyone involved.”

  “I think he must have been in a frame of mind where he couldn’t think about that, how his actions were affecting others,” said Abi. “I know Jordan would never want to hurt anyone else. It had to be that he just didn’t realize, didn’t fully understand what he was doing.”

  “It makes you think, though, doesn’t it? Everything can change in just an instant.”

  “Yeah. I know.”

  “I wonder who’s managing his funeral arrangements?”

  “Don’t know. His family, I’d imagine, since he was single.”

  “I think I’d want you to manage mine,” said Greta thoughtfully.

  “Don’t tell me you’re having suicidal thoughts now?”

  “No, no, not at all. And if I did, I’d tell you straight away.”

  “Good, because I’d come after you and I wouldn’t let you out of my sight until those thoughts were gone.”

  Greta smiled. “It’s nothing like that. I’m just thinking, if something happened. I mean, it’s New York. I could get run over by a bus crossing the street at work.”

  “Those bloody tourist buses,” Abi agreed. There were always loads of them outside the studio.

  “But really, I should call my lawyer and get everything set up,” said Greta. “You’re the person who knows me best, the person I trust most. You’re the one I’d want by my side if I were sick or hurt, and you’re the one I’d want making decisions for me if I weren’t able. Otherwise it would fall to my mom, and…I know she loves me, but honestly, you know me better than she does. I fully trust that you would act in my best interest.”

  “Of course I would. But why pick me and not Jeff?”

  Greta looked surprised by the question. “I’ve only been dating Jeff for what, two months? You’ve been my close friend for over a year. Really I spend more time with you than I do with Jeff, and I don’t even know where my relationship with him is going. You, I hope, aren’t going anywhere.”

  Abi sipped her tea. “Nah. I’m not budging.”

  “So it’s really no contest, is it?”

  Abi set her cup down on its saucer. “Well, I would do my best to do what you would want if you needed someone to make decisions for you, should the worst happen. And of course I’d want to be there with you if you were ever sick or hurt. Where else would I be?”

  “Even if I got sick while I was traveling?”

  “I’d come find you no matter where you were.”

  “Power of attorney,” said Greta suddenly. “That’s what it’s called. Remember that episode we did with the gay man who was in a coma, and his boyfriend wanted to make his medical decisions but instead they called in his estranged parents? The doctors told him their hands were tied, because they weren’t married and he didn’t have power of attorney, so they had to get next of kin to make decisions. That’s what I should give you, at least for now. You have your mom to make decisions for you and I’m sure you trust her since you two are so close, but I’d rather it be you in my case.”

  Abi gave her a reassuring smile. “I’m sure it won’t be necessary,” she said. “But I’ll sign anything you want me to sign. Whatever makes you feel better, I’m here.”

  Greta smiled gratefully. “I’m so glad you came into my life.”

  “Me too,” Abi said quietly. “And I’m glad I got to know Jordan, even if it didn’t end up being for long.”

  “He was an artist, like you,” said Greta. “He would take each person’s looks and personality into account and come up with the perfect unique style for them. He was always giving me advice on what would look good on me, even if it wasn’t work-related.”

  “Hey, I didn’t even need special clothes for work, but he would take me shopping sometimes. He knew all the places that sold used or heavily discounted designer clothes, things from past seasons, and he’d try to ‘style’ me.” She stopped just short of repeating the one thing Jordan could say to get her to splurge on something: “Greta will love you in this.”

  “I noticed you would sometimes come into work wearing really nice casual clothes,” Greta observed. “And you had your own designer dress to wear last time I took you to a nice restaurant!”

  “Yeah, that was his doing. And he was always trying to convince me I’d look good in heels, but I get all wobbly.”

  “Oh, I love heels! He and I talked about shoes a lot.”

  “I know you love heels. You can walk in them, even dance in them, no problems. Not everyone has your incredible balance.”

  “It helps if you start learning at an early age,” Greta giggled. “Sometimes Jordan would try to talk me into buying these outrageous shoes. One time he did talk me into buying a pair with fish heels.”

  Abi was just taking another sip of tea, but she came up spluttering. “Fish heels?”

  “Yeah, they were normal-looking high heels except that each heel was a sculpted fish. A really colorful fish.”

  “Okay, this I need to see.”

  “Come on, I’ll show you.”

  So they went inside, up two flights of stairs, to the dressing room attached to Greta’s bedroom. Greta opened the door to her shoe closet and extracted the pair she was talking about.
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  “Well, fuck me,” said Abi. “The heels are fish.”

  “I haven’t even worn them yet. Jordan convinced me they were ‘fun’ and ‘making a statement,’ but I’ve never been able to figure out where I should go to make that kind of statement.”

  “Tomorrow after work, I’ll take you out for seafood and you can wear the fish shoes then. In Jordan’s honor.”

  “I think he’d like that.” Greta put the shoes back into their spot.

  “You really do have a lot of shoes. You could run your own wardrobe department.”

  “I like shoes,” Greta said defensively. “They’re all so…different. Each pair is a work of art with its own personality.”

  Abi supposed that statement did have merit. Although Greta had practical shoes as well, she was mainly crazy about heels. There were shiny silver ones, sparkly red ones, lacy black ones, white ones with black leather flowers sewn on, pink satin ones, green ones…

  “I like these,” said Abi, picking up a pair of purple satin heels with gold dragons embroidered on them. “Not for myself, but they’re certainly interesting.”

  “Oh, I love these! I haven’t worn them in a while.” Greta took the shoes from Abi and put them on, strutting around the room.

  “I’m sure Jordan loved them,” observed Abi with a smile. “And these…these are party shoes if I’ve ever seen them.” She pulled out a pair of white leather pumps covered in a riot of multi-colored rhinestones.

  “Oh, I did get those for a party. Aren’t they fun?” Greta swapped shoes and did a little dance in the new ones, likely something from her Broadway days.

  “They are. And so are these.” Abi picked up some black velvet shoes with colorful rhinestones sewn on in the shape of flowers.

  “Oh yes, those are one of my favorites!” Greta swapped shoes again and took Abi’s hands, dancing with her around the room. Abi couldn’t help thinking that if Jordan could see them right now, he would be pleased.

  But as the hour grew later, the news seemed to sink in more and more, and dancing around in party shoes became unimaginable.

  “Where do you want me to sleep?” Abi asked grimly.