Survivor's Guilt

by Michelle Arnold

  “If you go upstairs, there won’t be much point in you being here, will there?” Greta asked. “We’ll still both be alone.” She motioned to her big, luxurious bed. “There’s plenty of room for us both here, if you’re comfortable with that.”

  “No, yeah, I’m fine,” said Abi. “I’ll just…get changed in the bathroom.”

  She put on a pair of flannel pajamas and came out to find Greta sitting at her vanity in silk pajamas, brushing her gorgeous red hair. Surmising from the book on the nightstand that Greta favored the right side of the bed, Abi slid stiffly into the left side with her phone. Greta joined her after a bit, reading quietly on her side for a while before turning out the lamp.

  It was there, in the darkness, that it fully hit Abi that she would never see her friend again. It hit her because just for a second, she thought, I can’t wait to tell Jordan I actually slept in Greta’s bed. And then she remembered that she couldn’t tell Jordan, that she wouldn’t even be here if he were still alive, and the sobs overtook her.

  She felt Greta’s arms wrap around her from behind, and she turned around to press her face to Greta’s chest. For the first time, Abi held and was held by the woman she loved, until they both cried themselves into exhaustion.

  8

  One Door Closes, Another Opens

  December 2018

  Greta’s relationship with Jeff ended when he said “I love you” and she couldn’t say it back.

  She had been curled up in his arms in front of the fireplace in her living room (she always took him to the living room and Abi to the library, which in retrospect seemed quite telling), and he had suddenly murmured those fateful words: “I love you.”

  She had frozen, unsure what to say. She knew what he wanted her to say, but she also knew it would be a lie. What did you say when someone loved you and you didn’t love him back?

  Finally, after a few moments of horrible silence, Jeff said carefully, “I guess when I imagined this moment, I always heard you saying it back.”

  She reluctantly pushed herself into an upright position. “I’m sorry, Jeff. I do care about you very much. I enjoy being with you. But…I’m not in love.”

  He looked stricken, but then he took a deep breath. “If you were going to fall in love with me, you probably would have by now, wouldn’t you? We’ve been dating almost five months.”

  Greta closed her eyes. “Yes. I probably would have by now, if I were going to.”

  “Then…is there any point in continuing this relationship? I mean the last thing I want to do is break up with you, but I’m not really sure I can go forwards knowing you don’t feel what I feel.”

  “I think,” she had said, her voice trembling, “that you have a point.”

  She felt horrible. She had enjoyed every minute she spent with Jeff, and she was very fond of him. But even though he was perfect for her in every way – supportive of her career, understanding of her quirks, kind and considerate, happy to spend a night in instead of going out and schmoozing with other showbiz types – she just didn’t fall for him. She wished she had realized sooner that he was falling for her, so she could have gotten out then. She knew she had just broken his heart, and she hated it. A man like Jeff didn’t deserve to have his heart broken. But at least now he was free to find a woman who deserved him.

  Greta was devastated after the breakup. Abi brought great ice cream and watched funny movies with her, thinking she was just sad because she missed Jeff. Greta, however, was puzzled by her feelings. Usually the amount of sadness she felt after a breakup was in direct proportion to the amount of happiness the relationship had brought her, but she had mostly just felt comfortable with Jeff. She decided she needed to get away and think.

  Just after Christmas, she flew down to the Turk and Caicos Islands by herself, renting a little villa on the beach. She sat alone on white sands, looking out over brilliant blue waters, trying to sort through her feelings. She was still grieving the loss of Jordan; that was certainly part of why she felt out of sorts. And she felt bad about letting Jeff down. But there was something else.

  She realized, then, exactly what it was. She couldn’t love Jeff because she was already in love with Abi, and had been for some time. It wasn’t just a crush; it was the kind of love that came along once in a lifetime. As much as she tried to deny it, she had feelings for Abi that she’d never felt before, for anyone, and it was a complete waste of time to get romantically involved with anyone else.

  The question was, did Abi feel the same way? Jordan had thought so. The last time she saw him, when he was giving her the Emmys dress after he’d finished tailoring it to fit her perfectly, he had said out of nowhere, “You know Abi is crazy about you?”

  “Crazy how?” she had asked.

  “You know what I mean. She wants you.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” Greta had said. “She’s the one who told me I should go out with Jeff. I probably wouldn’t have done it otherwise.”

  But Jordan had been insistent that Abi loved her and just didn’t think she had a chance. Maybe he saw something she didn’t.

  A calm came over Greta as she sat there in the sun. Maybe Abi did love her, and now that she was single, there would be a chance for them. She wasn’t sure how it would happen – she certainly didn’t want to make a big move and find out she was wrong about this – but she resolved to start watching Abi for signs that she might be interested. For the first time, she felt hopeful that this was something that could happen.

  When she returned to New York, everything was the same except for her. The weather was still cold and dreary. Christmas lights still glowed around the city, combatting the dreariness as best they could. Abi had been housesitting for her, bringing in the mail and watering the houseplants, and since she was trying to get used to driving in New York, Greta let her use her Mercedes to pick her up from the airport.

  “Do you want to drive on the way home, since it’s your car?” Abi asked as Greta loaded her luggage into the trunk.

  “Only if you don’t want to,” said Greta. “I’m exhausted from the trip. I don’t know why plane travel always wears me out, since all I do is sit there.”

  “I can drive you then,” said Abi. “I’ll never complain about being behind the wheel in this beauty. It’s weird being on this side of the road, but the New York traffic isn’t so much worse than London.”

  “At least if someone yells profanities at you in London, they do it with a British accent,” said Greta, stifling a yawn as she got into the passenger seat.

  “That doesn’t make any difference to me,” Abi laughed.

  “It does to me. It seems politer, somehow.”

  “That is a delusion only an American can have. Believe me, it’s every bit as rude.” Abi glanced over at Greta as she started the car. “It’s New Year’s Eve. Are you gonna be able to stay up until midnight? Usher in 2019?”

  “Yeah, I’ll just take a quick nap first,” said Greta. “Do you want to stay and watch the ball drop on TV with me? I have champagne in the wine cellar.” Abi had talked Greta into actually taking her to Times Square last year, but as they had struggled to extricate themselves from a noisy, drunken crowd just after midnight, Abi had shouted “Never again!” several times.

  “Sure, but I need to warn you, my mother is in your kitchen right now trying to figure out how the fancy appliances work. She wants to cook us dinner.”

  Greta chuckled. “She can stay too.” As romantic as a New Year’s Eve kiss sounded, Greta wasn’t planning on putting any moves on Abi just yet, so it was just as well that Lola was there.

  “Good. She was worried you’d be lonely tonight, without Jeff.”

  Greta shook her head. “I’m at peace with that now. It wasn’t meant to be.”

  “So your Caribbean thinking trip helped?”

  “Yeah, it helped. I’m ready to move forward now, into the new year and the next phase of my life.”

  Abi grinned. “Sounds great.”

  At midni
ght that night, Abi spontaneously threw her arms around Greta, pulling her into a celebratory hug and kissing her cheek. Greta, remembering that this was normal friend behavior where Abi came from, gave her friend a kiss on the cheek as well. She remembered the old saying that whomever you kissed at midnight on New Year’s Eve was the person you would spend the whole year with, and she hoped cheek kisses counted.

  9

  A Missed Chance

  January 2019

  “I think 2018 had to be the worst year ever,” Abi said with a sigh, settling down on her couch next to Greta. “I'm glad it's over. This year can only be better, right?”

  “Well, I wouldn't say it has to,” said Greta, sipping her own beer. She smiled at Abi's eye roll. “But I share your hope that it will.”

  Abi slumped against the back of the couch. It was the second night of the new year, and Greta was scheduled to leave in the morning to attend a big charity event in LA that her network was sponsoring. She would only be gone for a few days, but she still wanted to spend as much time with Abi as possible before leaving, especially since she’d only just gotten back from her trip to the Caribbean. Even one day without Abi was hard to bear, and Greta finally understood why.

  “Let's see,” said Abi. “In February, I finally met my dad, online anyway, but only because he has cancer and wanted me and my mum to forgive him for abandoning us. The wife he’s had since before he went to London and got my mum up the duff is still not to know about me.”

  “And in March, Sloan came to work drunk and hit one of the directors, and he had to go back to rehab.” Sloan Keaton played the male lead on the show. He was immensely popular with fans, but substantially less popular with people who actually knew him.

  “Fucking nightmare with the press trying to find someone who had seen what happened and the network telling us not to talk to anyone,” Abi groaned. “Not that they had to tell me twice. I don’t need those arseholes following me home.”

  “The nightmare was trying to film the season finale around his rehab.”

  “Hey, at least you got some extra lines.”

  “Everyone got extra lines. And poor Tricia had to do the talk show circuit to tell everyone how much we were all pulling for Sloan and how he’s a really great guy with a horrific illness, even though in reality she can’t stand him. But the media can’t know that since their characters’ romance is such a big part of the show now, and viewers have to think they’re good friends in real life or it ruins the onscreen romance for them.”

  “It’s why I never became an actress. Imagine having to snog some bloke you can’t even stand the sight of.”

  Greta laughed. “Then in July, I met Jeff.”

  “That wasn't a bad thing,” Abi reasoned

  “No, but it's a bittersweet memory.”

  Abi nodded. “Oh also, Liverpool didn’t win the league, again.”

  Greta laughed. “I don’t know how that can be so disappointing. They’ve never made the league since you’ve been watching.”

  “Which means they’re about bloody due to win the league!”

  Greta shook her head. “Maybe you should just find a different soccer team to support.”

  “First of all, it’s football, not soccer. And secondly, I can’t just support a different team. I’m a lifelong Liverpool fan.” She gave Greta a playful nudge. “If you don’t get the terminology right, I may have to start punishing you.

  Greta giggled. “This is America! Here we call it soccer!”

  “And I’m trying to help Americans learn that they’re calling it the wrong thing! Repeat after me: Liverpool Football Club!”

  “Liverpool Soccer Team,” Greta giggled, then squealed as Abi playfully slapped her.

  “Anyway, before you get in any more trouble, I’ll continue this painful recap of last year,” said Abi. “So in August, you and your mum had quite a falling out.”

  “Yes, over my lack of ambition and all the years I’ve wasted in my career.”

  “And I ended up taking her for drinks at the Mermaid and having a serious talk with her.”

  “Yes, but that turned out to be a good thing, because then your mom and my mom talked about how we both took different paths from what they envisioned for us but we’re happy anyway, and that got my mom to finally listen to reason, and we’re getting along a ton better now. Plus now our moms are friends, which we would never have expected.”

  “Yeah, it’s weird. You couldn’t easily find two more different women, but they really get on.” Abi heaved a sigh, picking at the label on her beer bottle. “And then in September, Jordan died by suicide.”

  “Yes.” Greta looked down sadly. “I’m still having a really hard time with that.”

  “Me too. He was the one person you could always count on for a laugh, you know? Even when things were really tense on set.”

  “And he was a truly kind person.”

  “Yes, he was.” Abi took a swig of beer. “And in December, you broke up with Jeff.”

  Greta smiled sadly. “It was a turbulent year.”

  “So what are you hoping for this year?”

  Greta looked at her. She knew exactly what she was hoping for. “Well, when I was in the Caribbean on my own last week, I was able to envision new possibilities, and I would love it if those possibilities became reality this year. But if not, I can be patient.”

  “New possibilities? Like with your love life?”

  Greta hesitated. “Yes.”

  Abi took another swig, looking up at the ceiling. “Hoping to find another bloke like Jeff?”

  Greta shook her head. “The problem with Jeff is that he looked perfect on paper, but I didn't really feel much for him. I should have. He was the best guy I ever dated. He was a writer, he understood my little quirks, he supported my career but understood me not wanting to take it any further. He was super sweet, and I was attracted to him, but I just…never fell for him.”

  “Don't tell me you’re one of those who can only get into bad boys.”

  Greta chuckled. “No, it's not that. He just wasn't the right one.”

  “Ah. So you're hoping to meet the right one this year.”

  Greta looked down, her heart pounding. “I think I already have met the right person. I'm just waiting to see if that person will eventually return my feelings, or if it's hopeless for me.”

  Abi's mouth fell open. “You're already in love with someone? Who is it?”

  Greta bit her lip. Did she dare say it?

  “Greta, come on, you can tell me!” insisted Abi. She looked closely at Greta. “Come on love, I've never seen you like this.” She tilted Greta's chin so the redhead was looking at her. “It's okay, just tell me.”

  Her eyes gazed into Greta's with such a tender expression. Suddenly Greta felt a calmness come over her. Abi knew who she meant, and she just needed Greta to tell her! It was just like she had imagined while she sat alone on that sunny beach. Heart pounding, she leaned forwards to capture Abi's lips. But just before she reached her goal, Abi pulled back with a look of surprise.

  “Whoa,” she said. “That wasn't what I was expecting.”

  “I'm sorry,” said Greta, standing up quickly. “I should go.”

  “No, Greta, you don't have to go.”

  Greta went for her coat, shoes, and purse, her face burning. “No, I should. It's getting late, and my cab is picking me up at 6:30 a.m. I'll see you when I get back.”

  “Okay, if you're sure,” Abi said. “We can talk more when you get home.”

  “Or we can just pretend this didn't happen,” Greta said quickly, avoiding eye contact.

  “Greta, I'm not…from what you just told me, I think this is a conversation we need to have.”

  “I'll see you Saturday. Have a good night.” She opened the door.

  “Greta, wait.”

  Greta stopped with one hand on the doorknob, finally looking at Abi's face.

  Abi smiled gently. “Have a safe trip.” She pulled Greta into a hug, and Gre
ta savored the feeling of Abi in her arms, wondering if it would ever happen again.

  “Goodbye Abi,” she said quietly before rushing out of the building.

  On the drive home, she had to do a lot of blinking to keep tears from completely clouding her vision. How could she have been so stupid? She had read Abi all wrong. She should never have thought Abi would welcome a kiss from her.

  She realized it had been wishful thinking to believe she had a chance with Abi. Jordan might have believed it, but he had made a mistake too. It was clear that Abi did not love her like that, and Greta might have done irreparable harm to their friendship just now. When she went to bed, she cried until she was exhausted, and then she finally fell asleep.

  ***

  The cab picked her up as scheduled in the morning. She checked her phone for messages from Abi, but there was nothing. She flew out to LA feeling more alone than she had in years.

  The charity event was okay, but she would have enjoyed it more if she could have shared every detail with Abi. There was nothing stopping her from doing so, of course, but after her enormous blunder, she felt it was best to give Abi some space and let her initiate contact when she was ready. And apparently she wasn't ready, because Greta heard nothing from her during her two days in LA. They didn't FaceTime as they normally did when they were apart, nor did they even text – until the second night.

  She was getting ready to take what she hoped would be a relaxing bath before bed when her phone jingled to announce a new text message and she grabbed for it, heart pounding. It was Abi.

  Abi: Hey, how's the charity thing been?

  Greta: Good. How is everything back home?

  Abi: It's good. What time does your plane get in tomorrow?

  Greta: 5:35 p.m.

  Abi: Okay, I'll pick you up and then maybe we can have dinner at your place? I'll order in.

  This was encouraging. This was normal. That sounds lovely, Abi, she replied.

  The next text from Abi was less encouraging. We need to talk about what happened, before you left.

  Greta: Yes. I suppose we do.