Who I Used to Be

by Alexa Land

  The penis posse finally caught up to us. Dante had hiked his costume up to his knees so he could move faster, and carried Nana under one arm and her girlfriend Kiki under the other. Nana’s husband and the two other seniors were lagging behind and rounded the corner a moment later. All of them were panting and sweating. “Is that the punk?” Dante asked as he put the ladies down and caught his breath. When Vincent nodded, he said, “Want me to kill him for you?”

  “Great, now the giant dick wants to kill me, too,” Darwin muttered.

  “Nobody’s killing anybody,” Josh said. “You’re all acting like crazy people, and Uncle Dante looks like he’s about to die of a stroke.”

  “You try running in a dick suit while carrying a couple grandmas,” Dante told him.

  “We need to hear what these two boys have to say about this,” Nana said. “But first, we all need to go to the food court, get a cold drink, and calm the fuck down. Joshie is a good boy, you’re acting like you’ve forgotten that. I know this took everyone by surprise and tempers are running high, but I for one am willing to hear what these kids have to say before we fly off the handle.”

  “Thanks, Nana,” Josh said. When he gave her a hug, the top half of her sagging dick suit puffed up and stood at attention.

  “We know Josh is a good kid,” Vincent said, “so this other guy must be to blame for all the lies and deception.”

  Nana grabbed the sleeve of Vincent’s jacket and began towing him to the food court, and he took Trevor’s hand and pulled him along. Nana said, “Come on, drinks first. I’m sweating like a nun at a cucumber farm! While we cool down, Joshie is going to tell us what’s been going on. Then, if we find out this other boy’s done anything to cause our Joshie harm, you’re all going to have to get in line behind me to kill him.” Dante started to say something, and Nana grabbed one of his suit’s inflatable balls and dragged him with her.

  Darwin said, “And now a tiny old lady dressed like a pink dick is threatening to murder me. Oddly enough, I feel like she’d be the one to actually make good on it.”

  “You’re not wrong.” Josh gave the boy a quick hug, which made his dads bristle, and said, “I’ll talk to you in a few minutes.”

  Emma said, “Come on Dar, I’ll hang out with you while they get this ironed out.” The two of them went into the shop.

  As the rest of our group headed for the food court, TJ touched my shoulder. When I turned to look at him, he smiled at me, and I slipped my arm around him. We paused for a moment to share a kiss, then trailed behind our group. Needless to say, everyone stopped and stared. Several people even pulled out phones to film the penis procession.

  When I asked him what he thought about the night’s events, TJ said, “Josh is the most rational person I’ve ever met, despite his age. I’ll bet he’s going to have a good explanation for this.”

  “Unless he’s in love. That has a tendency to push rational behavior right out the door.”

  “True.”

  After a moment, I said, “I never asked. Were you in love with Trevor’s mom?”

  “No. We were just two lonely kids from abusive families who recognized something in each other. You know I became a dad at seventeen, but I was only sixteen when I got her pregnant.”

  “Just two years older than Josh is now,” I said.

  “Yeah. I was so happy when I found out I was going to be a dad, even at that young age. I’d always wanted to be part of a loving family, and suddenly, here was the chance for one of my own.” TJ sighed and said, “I wanted to do right by Trevor. My own dad was an alcoholic, and I swore I’d never be like him. And I wasn’t. Instead, I became an addict and made a whole new set of horrible mistakes.” I picked up his hand and squeezed it, and he leaned against me as we walked.

  “Are you still in touch with Trevor’s mom?”

  TJ shook his head. “The person I knew doesn’t exist anymore. Years of drug abuse turned her into a monster.”

  “How so?”

  “I can’t talk about it right now.” He was obviously struggling to keep his emotions in check, so I held his hand tighter and let the conversation drop.

  Jessie and Kai found us at the food court, and we all got frothy orange drinks and pushed a bunch of tables together. Nana pulled her arms into her costume, and when she popped them out a moment later, she was holding a silver flask. “Thank heavens I always carry a few essentials in my bra,” she said as she poured a generous splash of booze into her cup and Ollie’s. When she handed the flask to Dante, he chugged what was left of its contents and handed the empty container back to her.

  A few moments later, Dante’s husband joined us. “Man, serves me right for showing up late to Sunday dinner. Looks like I missed all kinds of excitement,” Charlie said, his green eyes sparkling with delight as he came up to Dante and gave him a hug. I was impressed that he managed not to laugh.

  “What you missed was the agonizingly painful death of the last of my dignity.” Dante kissed Charlie’s forehead, then picked up his hand and said, “Come on, we’re going shopping. I’m not spending one more minute in this dick suit.”

  “Sure.” Charlie flashed him a big smile. “I’ll buy you something purdy.”

  Dante grinned at him, then turned to Nana and said, “Everyone’s hungry, so why don’t you order some dinner while Charlie and I pay a quick visit to that sporting goods store across the way? We’ll be back in a few minutes, and then I want to hear what Josh has to say about all of this.”

  “That’s a damn fine idea.” Nana’s hands disappeared inside her costume again. A few seconds later, she produced a big wad of cash and said, “Dinner’s on me, and it looks like we have a great selection. We should do this more often!” She took a long drink from her spiked cup, and then she and Ollie bustled off to peruse the food court’s offerings.

  Dante returned about fifteen minutes later, dressed in track pants, an oversized t-shirt and new sneakers, all black. His costume was stuffed unceremoniously in a shopping bag. He and Charlie took a seat as the food started to arrive. Nana had taken full advantage of the food court’s variety, and had ordered enough for all of us (and about twenty more people). Tray after tray of Mexican, Italian, Japanese, Chinese, and Korean food were piled on the tables, accompanied by stacks of soft pretzels and cookies. It looked like she’d ordered everything on each menu. TJ and I shared some sushi as Nana turned to Josh and said, “Okay, kiddo, now that we’re all here and everyone’s fed, start talking.”

  Josh sighed and slumped in his chair. “I knew all of you would freak out about the age difference, and I just couldn’t bring any more negativity into Darwin’s life. He already puts up with so much crap from his own family every single day, because he’s transgender. He didn’t need any more from my family.”

  “He’s…oh,” Vincent murmured. It was news to me, too.

  Josh continued, “Dar and I started as friends and didn’t plan on this turning into anything more. He works three jobs, one of them’s at that used bookstore on Bryant that I love. That’s where I met him this summer. We were both surprised when we realized we were attracted to each other.” Josh turned to his dads and said, “He’s not taking advantage of me. We’re not even sexual with each other, if that’s what’s freaking you out. He’s super uncomfortable with his body since he’s pre-op, so the most we’ve ever done is kiss. I know I gave you a huge reason not to trust me by sneaking around behind your back, but please believe me when I say you don’t have anything to worry about.”

  Trevor put his hand on his son’s shoulder, and his voice was gentle when he said, “If you’d just told us all of this from the outset, nobody would have gotten mad. What upset us was the fact that you’d been lying and sneaking around for months.”

  “Darwin’s a few weeks from turning eighteen. I didn’t think there was any way you’d be okay with this,” Josh said, staring at the tabletop.

  “You didn’t give us a chance to be,” Vincent told him.

  “I just couldn’t
take the chance that you’d forbid it. This is too important. He’s too important. Darwin says I’m the only thing in his life that feels right. He spends every day in the wrong body, getting bullied mercilessly in school while living with his hateful family, who call him by his dead name and won’t accept him for who he is. They even make him see a psychiatrist, who keeps trying to tell him he needs to accept the fact that he’s a girl. I don’t even know where his parents found someone willing to back them up with that kind of ignorant B.S. in this day and age!” Tears tumbled down Josh’s cheeks, and he told his dads, “I’m sorry I lied and snuck around. I hope you can at least sort of understand why I didn’t tell you the truth, and I hope you’ll still want to be my dads after this.”

  “Oh God.” Trevor took his son’s face in his hands. “Joshie, we’re your dads for life, and we love you so much! Nothing will ever change that!”

  The boy began sobbing and said, “I know I was just a consolation prize. You wanted to adopt your cousin’s baby, but you couldn’t. I just happened to come along at the right time, and I know you just took me in because you felt sorry for me. But now, you’re getting what you always wanted. You’re having a baby of your own, and I’m just going to be in the way. Plus, I’m causing trouble now, and—”

  Vincent cut him off by pulling his son into a fierce embrace and whispering, “I love you so damn much, Josh. Trevor and I both do. You were never a consolation prize, you were the answer to our prayers. Haven’t we shown you that?”

  “You have. I’m just so scared of losing you, like I lost my mom,” Josh admitted through his tears.

  “You’re never going to lose us,” Trevor told him. “I promise.” He put his arms around his husband and son, and the three of them held each other tightly.

  I turned to look at TJ. A tear snaked down his cheek, and he got up and left the table. “We’ll be right back,” I said softly when a few people in our group glanced at us, and I jumped up and followed him.

  He’d rounded the corner and was leaning against the façade of a children’s clothing store. When I caught up to him, I touched TJ’s arm and said, “Hey. You okay?”

  He nodded. “That all just struck a chord. Seeing Trevor swearing he’d always be there for his son reminded me all over again how much I’d failed him.” TJ wiped his face with the back of his hand. “And Joshie broke my heart. I had no idea he was that insecure.”

  “Josh talked to me once about being worried the new baby will displace him. I’m glad he’s finally bringing it up with his dads. He probably needed to hear them say they’ll always be there for him. Even if he already knew that, the words can be reassuring.”

  TJ pushed off the wall and tilted his chin up. “There are a couple worried-looking teenagers over there. Maybe we should go talk to them.” I glanced over my shoulder and nodded when I spotted Emma and Darwin in front of the shop.

  “Hey,” Emma called as we approached them. “How’s Josh doing? Are his dads totally pissed off at him?”

  TJ said, “They were hugging him a minute ago, so I think everything’s going to be okay.” He walked up to Darwin, assessed him for a moment, and stuck his hand out. “My name’s TJ Dean. Josh is my grandson.”

  Darwin’s expression was guarded as he shook TJ’s hand. “I suppose you want to kill me, too.”

  “Nobody wants to kill you. It just scared us when we found out a total stranger had been sneaking around with a fourteen-year-old kid behind everyone’s back. You know how that sounds, right, a senior sneaking around with a freshman? It’s no wonder his dads went into Papa Bear mode.”

  “It was Josh’s idea not to tell his family what was going on. I didn’t think we should keep it a secret, but that’s what he wanted. I mean, I didn’t tell my family either, but I never tell them anything.” Darwin held TJ’s gaze and told him, “I’d never do anything to hurt Josh. Not in a million years. Please believe me.”

  “I do.” Darwin looked relieved, and TJ added, “Now that your relationship is out in the open, I hope you’ll spend some time with the family and give everyone a chance to get to know you.”

  “I doubt I’ll be welcome.”

  “Sure you are,” TJ said. “This is all going to be fine, you’ll see. The Dombrusos might come in like a wrecking ball, but they’re good people when you get to know them.”

  The teen grinned a little and asked, “Did you just quote Miley Cyrus?”

  TJ grinned, too. “I might have accidentally done that.”

  Darwin tossed his head to swing the hair from his face. He was a cute kid with flawless skin and interesting multicolored eyes, and when he smiled, I could begin to understand what Josh saw in him. “I won’t tell anyone you did that, Mr. Dean.”

  “It’s just TJ, and thanks. This is my boyfriend, Zachary Paleki.” I grinned at that introduction and shook Darwin’s hand.

  “I’ve heard a lot about both of you, and it’s nice to have faces to go with the names,” Darwin said. “The part Josh left out is that his dads and grandpa are all the same age. That’s kind of freaking me out.”

  Emma smiled as she linked her arm with Darwin’s and said, “Come on, we should go inside in case your boss calls. You know how much he loves to check up on you.”

  They started to leave, but then Darwin turned back to us and said, “Tell Trevor I’m sorry I got in his face and made it seem like I was ready to fight. That was a dick move. I spend a lot of time trying to act like a boy, because…well, you can probably figure out why. But there’s a line between being tough and acting like a jerk, and I crossed it back there. It probably just confirmed his worst fears about me.”

  “It’ll go better next time,” TJ said.

  The teens returned to the shop, and I picked up TJ’s hand as we walked back to the food court. “This turned out to be quite an evening,” I said. “Are you sorry I talked you into having dinner with your son-in-law’s family?”

  “Not at all. They’re completely certifiable, especially Nana. God, and Trevor’s brother-in-law Dante, what a riot! I know the family has mafia ties, so he’s probably as tough as he looks. But he still lets his tiny, little grandmother rope him into these insane situations! That’s love.”

  “That’s the Dombrusos for you.”

  “I wouldn’t have missed this night for anything, and I’m glad I got to share it with you.”

  “Your boyfriend,” I said with a grin.

  “That just kind of slipped out. So much for taking it slow.”

  I kissed his cheek as we rounded the corner and said, “Keep letting it slip.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  One Month Later

  I shifted on my stool and picked up my buzzing phone from the workbench. The text message from Gabriel said: Hey. Can I call you?

  I called him instead, and he answered on the first ring with, “I’m not bothering you, am I?”

  “No, not at all.”

  “What’re you doing?”

  “I’m at TJ’s shop, building wind-up toys.”

  “Is he there with you?”

  “Not at the moment. He’s the building super, and one of the tenants had a mini-crisis, which basically stems from the fact that he’s too helpless to work a plunger.” I switched the phone to speaker and set it on the tabletop, then asked, “How are you, Gabriel? How’s Martinsville?”

  “It’s hell. Not only is this the most boring place on the planet, but it’s like I’m fifteen all over again. Whenever I go anywhere, my mom’s all, ‘Gabey, mijo, where you going? Who will be there? What time will you be back?’ I’ve been trying to find a job so I can move out of her apartment before I go completely insane.”

  “How’s the job hunt going?”

  “I had a couple leads,” he said, “but nothing came of them. There aren’t a lot of jobs here. The one big employer in town is the artichoke packaging plant where I worked in high school, but they’re not hiring right now. I can’t work the street corner, either. The town’s way too small. Word of what I was
doing would get back to my mom in about five minutes.”

  “I didn’t realize you’d ever worked as a prostitute.”

  “Sometimes that was what it took to survive, or to pay for my next fix. It may not be easy to find a job, but finding someone to use my body was never a problem.” He sighed, and then he added, “But hey, you got out of the life, so I know it’s doable. Once I’m on my feet, I’m going to figure out how to get my best friend Scottie out, too. He hates turning tricks.”

  “I wish I could help.”

  “I know. I think we’ll both figure it out eventually.” There was a rustling sound on the line, as if he was shifting the phone to his other ear, and then he asked, “Are you still waiting tables at that Irish pub?”

  “Yeah. I’m working two lunch and two dinner shifts a week now.”

  “That’s good, right?”

  “It’s not bad. I’d like more hours, but I doubt they’ll sign off on that. My bosses are still treating me like I’m fragile, even though I’ve been back about a month.”

  “That must be annoying.”

  I said, “A bit, but I get it. It’s their way of showing they care. I could do without being asked how I am half a dozen times each shift, but at least they were willing to give me my job back.”

  He was quiet for a long moment before asking, “Do you still think about using?”

  “Yeah, a couple times a day on average,” I admitted. “It’s getting easier, though. My counselor is helping a lot, and I’ve learned it’s good to stay busy. When I’m alone and idle, I start to feel the pull.”

  “You’re doing better than I am. I think about shooting up probably five times an hour, and that’s when things are going well. I haven’t done it yet. But I don’t know how long I can hold out.”

  I picked up the phone and said, “Gabriel, this is too big to tackle on your own. Is there a local support group you could attend?”

  “There’s exactly one support group for drug addicts in town, and it’s a joke. Sitting around whining about my shitty life isn’t going to keep me clean.”