Who I Used to Be

by Alexa Land

  “It’s so important to find some help during your recovery. Did you try Monterey? You’re only about an hour from there, and a city that big has to have a lot of resources.”

  “It’s an hour if you have a car, which I don’t. My mom doesn’t either, she borrowed one from her cousin when she came up to the city to get me. It’s close to three hours by bus, because it makes a million stops along the way.” Gabriel sighed and added, “Look, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. I just wanted to compare notes, you know? We’ve been clean about the same length of time, so I was wondering if you were still craving it like I was.”

  “I want you to know I’ll help in any way I can, Gabriel. I’ve managed to save a little money since I’ve been back at the restaurant. Want me to send it to you? It might be enough for a cheap used car, which could get you back and forth to Monterey.”

  “You don’t have to do that,” he said. “I know you’re struggling to get on your feet just like I am.”

  “If you change your mind, just let me know and the money’s yours.”

  “Thanks, I appreciate the offer. I just wish I could come back to San Francisco. I miss you and Scottie, not to mention the fact that there are about a million resources for people in recovery in the city.”

  “I miss you, too.” I paused a moment before saying, “If you gave back what you took from your ex, maybe you could come back here. I mean, I don’t know him, and I don’t know if he’d forgive you, but that seems like a start.”

  He sighed and said quietly, “Not what. Who.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I wasn’t being entirely truthful when I called Mason Simeck my ex. He’s actually a sadistic Dom, and I was his sub. Well, one of them. There was also this boy, Riley. He was just nineteen, and so innocent. He didn’t know a thing about the lifestyle and didn’t understand the difference between BDSM and straight-up abuse. Simeck did, of course, and he got off on crossing that line every chance he got.”

  I murmured, “Shit.”

  “What Simeck was doing to Riley was killing him. Not physically, though he did come close a couple times and probably would have gone too far eventually and offed one of us. But in the meantime, he was destroying that kid from the inside out. I couldn’t sit back and do nothing, so one day when Simeck was out of town, I packed up Riley and put him on a bus to Reno. He has family there, and they said they’d take care of him. Simeck was so far beyond pissed off when he found out what I’d done. He’d spent almost a year training Riley, and twice as long training me, and he lost both of us in one afternoon. So see, it’s not what I took from him, it’s who.”

  “What does he hope to accomplish by tracking you down? You left him. Riley’s gone.”

  “He can’t accept that. I’m sure he thinks if I tell him where Riley is, he can make the kid come back. He probably could, too, since he destroyed Riley’s entire sense of self-worth. I bet he’d go back without question if Simeck showed up at his door.”

  “So that’s what Simeck wants from you, an address?”

  Gabriel said, “That and a pound of flesh. He always made it perfectly clear that if I crossed him, he’d hurt me in ways I couldn’t even imagine.”

  “He can’t do that to you against your will! Besides the fact that he’d be breaking the law, it also violates every rule of BDSM!”

  “Here’s the thing, Zachary. This was not BDSM. I was naïve and thought it was at first. So did Riley. But it was something else entirely. It was the world according to Mason Simeck. What he did to us had absolutely nothing in common with the BDSM community, with their safe words, and clubs, and safety guidelines. Simeck was a total sadist. I called him my Dom only because there was no other word for him. Well, besides sick fuck. He got off on breaking boys like me, idiots so desperate for total domination that we’d agree to no limits, which he gladly pushed to the furthest extreme.”

  I whispered, “Oh God, Gabriel.”

  “I never talked about it, because no one would understand. I didn’t understand it myself. He let me come and go as I pleased, unlike Riley, who was kept locked up. And I just kept going back for more, for nearly two years. I hate myself so much for that, and for taking so long to help Riley.”

  “Simeck needs to be arrested.”

  “They won’t arrest him. Riley and I were both consenting adults, we agreed to the things he did to us. And now, yeah, he’s trying to bring me in against my will, but he always sends thugs to do his dirty work and none of them would roll over on him. The man’s a criminal, and he knows how to work the system.”

  “So, he just gets away with it, and you spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder?”

  “Pretty much.”

  “Shit. I hate that.”

  “Me too, but it is what it is.”

  The door to the shop opened just then. I was surprised to see Elijah hesitating in the doorway, and called, “Hey. Come on in.”

  “I’d better let you go,” Gabriel said. “Sounds like you’ve got company.”

  “Wait, you don’t have to—”

  “No, it’s cool. I have some stuff I need to do. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?’

  “Alright. I’m glad you called. Remember that I’m here any time you need to talk, day or night.”

  “You’re a good friend. Take care of yourself, Zachary.” The call disconnected, and I looked up at my housemate.

  “I’m sorry to interrupt,” he said. His voice was always so soft.

  “You’re not. Pull up a seat.” I put my phone down and asked, “What’re you doing in this part of town?”

  He hugged his blue backpack like a stuffed animal and perched on TJ’s stool. “I wanted to talk to you. I’m always asleep when you get home from here, so I thought I’d come by.”

  “I’m happy to see you. Did you take the bus here?” He nodded and tucked a strand of blond hair behind his ear, and I told him, “You should have called and asked me to meet you at home. You hate taking public transit.”

  “I do hate it, but I’m tryin’ to grow up, you know? Colt and Cory ride it all over the place, they don’t even bat an eye. It still makes Cory’s dad nervous, but the kid’s totally adapted to it. And he’s not only younger than me, he grew up in an even smaller town than I did! If he can deal with life in the big city without freakin’ out, why can’t I?”

  “You and Cory are very different people, don’t compare yourself. There are plenty of things you can do that he can’t.”

  “There’s actually only one thing I’m better at, and no actual life skills go along with bein’ a big, giant math nerd.”

  “You have a gift, don’t sell yourself short.”

  “I wonder sometimes if it’s a gift or a curse,” he said. “Actually, this is kinda related to what I wanted to talk to you about. I’m dropping out of Berkeley.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Elijah nodded. “I’ve been givin’ this a lot of thought. I feel so lost, and I just don’t think it’s where I belong. So, I did what you and Finn suggested and talked to my counselors about transferring to Saithmore University next semester. They found a spot for me there.” As he was talking, he carefully ran a fingertip over an aluminum wind-up dog on the workbench.

  “Alastair goes to Saithmore. Want me to see if he can give you a tour of the campus?”

  “That’s exactly why I’m here. Alastair and I started texting after the last family dinner you invited him to. He offered to give me a tour this evening, but I don’t know him real well. I’d feel better if you went with me, since he’s your friend and all.”

  “Sure, I’d be glad to go along.”

  “Thanks.” He hesitated before saying, “There’s something else, too.”

  “What is it?”

  “You’re gonna think I’m an awful person.”

  “No I won’t.”

  “You don’t know what I’m about to say.”

  “It doesn’t matter. Nothing would make me think that.”

  He
chewed his lip for another moment, then blurted, “I’m breaking up with Colt.”

  “Oh!”

  “See? I’m a terrible human being. He’s never done anything but love me and take care of me, and this is how I repay his kindness.” There was heartbreak in his blue eyes as he looked up at me.

  “I’m sure you have your reasons.”

  “I’ve been thinkin’ about this for months. The thing is, I love Colt, but I love him like a brother. When we met, he saved me from a terrible situation. I think you know I was hitchhiking across country to get away from my abusive family and ended up stranded, broke and half-starved at a convenience store in southern Wyoming. I started out totally indebted to Colt, because he gave me a home, and fed me, and took care of me. I’ll always love him for that. But I’ve come to realize there’s a difference between loving somebody and bein’ in love with them. You know?”

  “Yeah.” I understood that all too well. At some point, I needed to have an awkward conversation with my best friend Chance. Long ago, before he and Finn got married, I’d told him I was in love with him, and I couldn’t just leave that hanging over us forever. It took falling for TJ to learn the difference between the real thing and a crush.

  Elijah said, “And then, Colt’s family took me in, and his brother’s husband became my legal guardian, and we moved to San Francisco together, and…God, Zachary, what am I gonna do? They’re all gonna hate me, and they’re the only family I have!”

  “They’re not going to hate you, Elijah. I promise.”

  “Colt might. This’ll break his heart. He calls me the love of his life. I wish I could be that, but I’m just not. I’m only seventeen! I don’t even know who I am yet, let alone who I belong with long-term.”

  “I get that.”

  “He deserves someone who can love him back with all their heart and soul, and that’s never going to be me. I just don’t feel the same way he does. Even if I did, I have so many limitations. Do you know he and I have never even slept together? Not once in all this time! I just couldn’t go there after all the stuff that had been done to me as a kid.” Elijah paused before adding quietly, “At first I thought that was the problem, the fact that I was holding back. I thought maybe as I healed I’d be able to love Colt the same way he loves me. But I just…don’t. I hate myself so much for that, Zachary.”

  “Please don’t beat yourself up, Elijah. Colt will get over this. It’ll take time, but I can see the two of you ending up as such good friends in the long run.”

  He looked up at me. “I hope so, but that’s not gonna happen overnight. Even if the rest of his family forgives me, it’s gonna be so awkward livin’ with them. That’s actually the reason I’m bringin’ this up now. If I transfer to Saithmore, I'll want to live on campus. It’s too far to commute back and forth every day. But what do I do during summer vacation, and winter break, and on holidays? Where am I gonna go if Colt’s family doesn’t welcome me anymore?”

  A voice behind me said, “You can stay with us.” I turned to look at TJ, and he came up to me and rested his hand on my shoulder. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I just came downstairs and heard that last part. Zachary and I won’t let you become homeless, Elijah. Your family loves you and I don’t think they’d kick you out, but if it becomes too awkward to stay there after the breakup, we’ll take you in. Our apartment’s not very big, but we can make room for you.”

  I said softly, “Our?”

  TJ touched my cheek and told me, “I know we’re not ready to live together yet, but it’s where we’re headed. I mean, if that’s what you want.”

  “You know I do.”

  We grinned at each other before TJ turned to Elijah and said, “There’s a sun porch at the back of the apartment. I use it for storage, but we could clean it out. The room’s not very big, but it’s cozy and warm. It could be your bedroom if you end up needing a place to stay.”

  Elijah exhaled slowly. “I can’t even tell you what it means to have this safety net. I had no idea what I was going to do if I had to move out of the warehouse. You’re both so kind, and I want you to know I appreciate it more than I can say.”

  “We’re happy to help,” TJ said.

  “So, what’s the plan for tonight?” I asked. “Is Alastair meeting you on campus, or driving down from San Francisco with you?”

  “He’s already down there. He has apartments in the South Bay and here in the city. I think he’s loaded, but when I asked him where his money comes from, he just said his family owns a shop.” I had to grin at that description. Elijah said, “I’m planning to take transit down, but that’s kind of nerve-wracking, so could you maybe go with me? Finn would drive me if I asked him, but he doesn’t know I’m planning to break up with Colt and live on campus, so I don’t want him to come along. I’ll just end up feeling guilty the whole time for keeping that from him, and I want to be able to see Saithmore without a cloud hanging over me.”

  “I have a car, I’ll drive you both down,” TJ said.

  “I appreciate it.” Elijah got to his feet and asked, “Should I come back at five? Alastair’s not meeting me until seven, but there’s always traffic.”

  “We’ll pick you up at home,” TJ told him. “It’s on the way.”

  “Okay. I’m gonna let you get back to your day, and I’ll see you soon.” Elijah slung his backpack over his shoulder and added, “These wind-up toys are the cutest thing ever, by the way. When I get some money, I’d like to buy one, if they’re for sale.”

  “Which one do you like?” TJ asked.

  “All of them, but especially that little dog. He reminds me of a puppy I had when I was a kid.”

  TJ picked up the mechanical canine, popped it into a carton, and handed it to Elijah. “It’s yours. Enjoy it.” The boy clutched the box to his chest like it contained a treasure and thanked him, and TJ said, “Do you want us to drive you home so you don’t have to take the bus?”

  Elijah shook his head. “I gotta grow up sometime, might as well start now. I mean, here I am, talkin’ about transferring to a new school and livin’ on campus. If I think I’m capable of that, I should also be able to take public transit without actin’ like a chicken in a thunderstorm.”

  I grinned and asked, “How do chickens act in thunderstorms?”

  He grinned too and said as he headed to the door, “They’re afraid of everything. If you scare ‘em with a loud enough noise, they get so twisted up inside that their eggs come out moon-shaped.”

  The door swung shut behind him, and I turned to TJ. “Do you think that’s true about the moon-shaped eggs?”

  “Probably. I know the rest is true. It’s right there in the name: chicken.” I chuckled as he went over to the door, locked it, and flipped the sign to closed. “Come on, let’s go make some lunch. You must be hungry.”

  *****

  When we got upstairs, the cat hissed at me, jumped off the couch, and hid under it. “Chaplin still hates me,” I said. “He’s not going to like it when you inform him of your master plan to move me in here with you.”

  “When you put it that way, it sounds a bit nefarious. Kind of like I’m going to implement my plan for moving you in right after I unleash my plot for world domination.”

  I put my arms around him and gently pushed him against the closed front door. “I think it’s sweet that you’ve been thinking about us living together.”

  “I know it sounds like such a contradiction when I’ve also been saying all along that we need to take it slowly, but this has felt like our apartment for a long time. I don’t know when that shift in perception happened exactly, but it did. I think in terms of ‘us’ now, not just ‘me’, and I have to say, it feels pretty great.”

  I kissed him and nuzzled his cheek before saying, “It’s not a contradiction. You and I are both looking to the future, but we’re not sprinting to get there. I’ve enjoyed this slow pace. It’s given us plenty of time to get to know each other, and it’s let me focus on my recovery, which you
have to admit is going well.”

  “It’s going great. I’m so proud of you.”

  “We’ve been very good, and very patient, but I need you to know something, TJ.”

  “What’s that?”

  I leaned against him and looked in his eyes. “If you don’t fuck me soon, I’m going to go out of my ever-loving mind.”

  He laughed self-consciously and mumbled, “Oh. Yeah. That.”

  “Yeah. That.” I punctuated my words with a kiss on his neck. “We’ve been saints.” I pulled aside the collar of his dark green henley and kissed his collarbone. “No one could accuse us of rushing this. While I’ve certainly enjoyed our little interludes, we have to take that next step. I can’t wait any longer.” I kissed his shoulder, then nipped him gently, and his breath caught. Over the past month, we’d jerked each other off a few times, but we’d never taken it further.

  “Are you sure? It’s a huge step.” He sounded nervous.

  I leaned back a little to look at him again. “Don’t you want to?”

  “I do. God, I do. But….”

  “What?”

  He broke eye contact and said softly, “It’s been a while for me. A long while. Not only am I out of practice, I’m also…you know.”

  “What?”

  “Well, I’m not exactly an Andrew Christian model. I’m just this guy over forty with an average body, and I don’t want you to be disappointed.”

  “Disappointed! I think you’re absolutely beautiful, TJ. Don’t you know that?”

  “I’m glad you think I’m kind of cute, but—”

  “No, not kind of cute. Beautiful. You’re the most beautiful person in all the world to me,” I said as I cupped his face in my hands.

  “You could do so much better,” he said. “I don’t have a clue why you’d settle for…this.”

  “Settle? Are you nuts? As if ending up with a gorgeous, kind, sexy, intelligent, warm, giving, loving man is settling? You have such an inaccurate picture of yourself!”

  “Or you have a very overinflated opinion of me.” I kissed his cheek and picked up his hand, and as I led him to the bedroom he stammered, “Are, um, are we doing this now?”