Who I Used to Be

by Alexa Land

  “Like what?”

  “For one thing, I’m trying not to feel completely inadequate around your very young, very rich friend Alastair.”

  “Why would you?”

  “For starters, I could only dream of helping you the way he is with your father. I hope it works out, but I also wish I’d been the one to ride in on a white horse with a posse of lawyers and save the day. I know that’s petty of me, and I also know the important thing is that your father gets out of prison, not who’s providing the help. But still.”

  “You’ve helped me in a million other ways. I don’t even know where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for you, and I’m not just talking about all you did to help me through my recovery. Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?”

  He rested his chin on my shoulder. “You don’t have to make me feel better. I’m happy you have good friends who care about you and want to help you.”

  “I get it, though. I remember that day, long before you and I were dating, when Alastair came by the shop and picked me up for a date in his red sports car. I saw the look in your eyes.”

  TJ grinned a little. “I wanted to punch him in the face for absolutely no reason. I’m a terrible person.”

  “No you’re not, you just felt territorial. I think part of you already knew, even back then, that I was meant to be yours, but here was this kid, sniffing around your property.”

  That made him chuckle. “Now I sound like a caveman.” He lowered his voice several octaves and grunted, “Zachary mine!”

  That made me laugh, too. “I am yours. Damn glad about it, too.”

  “You don’t think you’ll regret it somewhere down the road, choosing me over him?”

  I turned to face TJ and took him in my arms as I said softly, “It was never a contest. Alastair’s become a good friend, but I’m totally in love with you, TJ. You’re home to me, where I belong. I’ve never been as sure of anything as I am of you and me.”

  That made him smile, and he kissed the tip of my nose and said lightly, “Alright, you can stop reassuring me. My fragile little ego will survive somehow, even when faced with that far-too-rich-and-perfect Brit in the observatory.”

  “That’s good news. I was worried about it.”

  I kissed him and turned back to the view, and he put his arms around me and kissed my neck. After a while, he asked, “Will you go away with me this weekend? This setting reminds me that I’m overdue for some time in the woods.”

  “What, like camping?”

  He chuckled at that. “Exactly like camping.”

  “I’ve never been.”

  “Not even as a kid?”

  I shook my head. “My dad wasn’t a fan.” I ran my hands over his arms and asked, “Do you have a tent?”

  “I do, and everything else we’ll need. Does this mean you want to go?”

  “Of course. I’d go anywhere with you, even to the forest to live among the bears and insects.” He was smiling as he nuzzled my ear. After a moment, I ventured, “I’m going to be stepping out of my comfort zone by camping, so maybe in turn, you could do the same for me.”

  “What did you have in mind?”

  “Every time I’ve invited you to dinner at Chance and Finn’s house, you’ve had some excuse for why you couldn’t go. It’s time you said yes, don’t you think?”

  He was quiet for a moment before saying, “What if Chance doesn’t like me?”

  I turned to look at him. “That’s what you’re worried about?”

  “He’s your best friend, and I know what he means to you.”

  I said, “He does mean a great deal. For a while, he was the most important thing in my life. I’d isolated myself after my dad went to jail, not that I had a ton of friends before that. In the midst of using drugs, and turning tricks, and feeling so out of control, I met Chance, and he became this solid, dependable thing in my life, if that makes any sense. It meant so much to find a true friend, and he’s more than that now. He’s my family, so he deserves a chance to get to know my boyfriend.”

  “You’re right.”

  “Is that a yes to coming over next week?”

  “I’d do anything for you, Zachary,” he said, “even going to super awkward dinners with your family.”

  I flashed him a big smile. “You really must love me.”

  TJ kissed my forehead and said, “You have no idea.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  I’d been looking for an opportunity to speak to Chance, and one materialized the next day, at the end of a lunch shift at Nolan’s Bar and Grill. When I found myself alone in the restaurant with him and asked if he had a minute, he smiled at me and said, “Of course. What’s up, Zachary?”

  I wasn’t sure how to say what needed to be said, so then I began with, “I wanted to say thank you. Your friendship has been a constant in my life since I met you, no matter what I’ve been going through, and I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much that means to me. Thanks for being my friend, Chance, and for giving me a safe place to live when I couldn’t manage to keep a roof over my head, and for sticking with me even when I was a drugged out mess.”

  “You don’t have to thank me.”

  “I want to, though.” We both sat down on adjacent tabletops, and I said, “I feel like I need to say I’m sorry, too. You’ve always been this amazing friend to me, and I know I wasn’t there for you in the same way. If you ever felt like you needed a friend but I was too caught up in drugs and my own personal shit to help you, then I sincerely apologize.”

  Chance grinned a little. “I was never the type of person to reach out to others when things got bad. You weren’t, either. I practically had to beg you to move in with Finn and me when you needed a place to live.”

  “Thank you for doing that, and for never giving up on me, not even when I was so withdrawn.”

  “I’d never give up on you, Zachary, not in a million years. That’s not what friends do.”

  I chewed my lip before blurting, “I’m also sorry that I made things weird between us when I told you I was in love with you. For the record, I do love you and always will, but as my best friend. I know it’s lame to sit here and tell you I was never in love with you, but I always felt like it was this awkward thing hanging over us, and I need to clear the air. I did have a crush on you back then, and why wouldn’t I? You’re fucking awesome.” He chuckled at that, and I said, “Until TJ came into my life, I didn’t have a damn clue. I didn’t know what being in love felt like. And I’m telling you all this because…well, apparently I decided the way to clear up any lingering awkwardness between us was with a super awkward conversation.”

  “I’m actually glad we’re having this talk. I felt guilty when you told me you were in love with me and I didn’t feel the same. I wondered if maybe I’d led you on somehow.”

  “All you ever did was be a great friend to me. I was so lost and lonely that I misinterpreted that friendship.” I got to my feet and grinned a little. “I’m done making speeches now. Go about your business.”

  Chance got up too and held his arms out to me. “You know what needs to happen. Come on. Hug it out.” I sighed and pretended to be reluctant, but then I gave him a big squeeze. He said, “I’m thrilled you found TJ and fell in love for real. I’ll always be grateful to him for helping you through your recovery, and for making you happier than I’ve ever seen you. Now you just need to tell him to get his ass to our house for dinner, so we can all get to know each other.”

  I let go of him and said, “I finally convinced him to come over next week. He’s afraid of your disapproval, that’s why he’s been so reluctant. This is the equivalent of bringing him home to meet my family, you know.”

  “He doesn’t have a thing to worry about.”

  “That’s what I told him!”

  As we headed back to the employee locker room, I said, “Okay, now that we’re done with the awkward speeches, let’s talk about something else. Are you getting excited for your photography show at Chri
stopher’s gallery? It’s only about a week away now.”

  “Terrified is more like it.”

  “Why? It’s going to kill. Look how great you did at that new artists show a few months back.”

  “Maybe that was a fluke. Maybe it was just those six pieces that people responded to. Maybe—”

  “Maybe you need to give Jamie and Dmitri two weeks’ notice. It’s time to quit waiting tables. After your show, you’re going to have no choice but to call yourself a professional photographer.”

  “That’s been the dream for so long. Next week, it’ll either come true, or it’ll crash and burn once and for all. It could go either way.”

  “There’s zero chance that your one-man show will be anything less than a smash hit. I know that for a fact. Your photos are brilliant, and so are you. I’m thrilled that a lot of other people are going to discover what I’ve known all along.”

  “Unless nobody shows up. I don’t know why they would, frankly. I’m a total unknown.”

  “That’s all going to change after the show. Christopher is becoming a big deal in the art world. His paintings have gotten international attention, and his gallery is building a great reputation. When he hosts a spotlight event like this, people take notice. And as soon as they take one look at your work, you’re not going to be able to hide in the shadows anymore.”

  “Now I feel like throwing up.”

  “I didn’t mean to freak you out,” I said. “I just want you to realize, when this event succeeds like I know it will, how extraordinary you and your photos are.”

  “You have so much confidence in me.”

  “Of course I do, and not because we’re friends, but because of that incredible gift you have. What I wouldn’t give to be even half as good at anything as you are at photography!”

  “You just haven’t found your thing yet,” Chance told me.

  “I don’t have a talent, not like you do. I’ve found what makes me happy, though. When I’m with TJ and we’re building those little wind-up toys I keep bringing home, I feel so content. That’s more than enough for me.”

  “The things you’re making are amazing. I wouldn’t call them toys, they’re miniature works of art.”

  “Thanks. We’re working on setting up a site and selling them online,” I said. “The problem is, shipping them safely pretty much doubles the five-dollar purchase price, and we don’t know how well that’ll go over.”

  “Five dollars, come on! They’re worth twenty times that!”

  “Seriously?”

  “Without a doubt.”

  I thought about that, then said, “TJ’s designs are, for sure. But all the ones I’ve made, which are the only ones you’ve seen, are just these tiny little things, and they’re not perfect yet. I’m still learning.”

  Chance shot me a look. “You’re doing what you’ve always accused me of, undervaluing yourself and your work.”

  “But you make art. I make toys.”

  “You need to think of them a different way,” Chance said. “When TJ first showed you what he could make, weren’t you impressed?”

  “I was floored. I think he’s brilliant, and the stuff he makes is amazing. But like I said, you’ve only seen the ones I made. And even with TJ’s incredible creations, I wonder if anyone else would appreciate them like I do. Not everyone sees beauty in things made from recycled bits and pieces.”

  “But your audience isn’t everyone, it’s those people who can see the magic and the artistry in found object sculpture. What you and TJ are doing is exactly like what our friend Skye does, only on a miniature scale.” I was stunned by the comparison. Skye was a brilliant metal sculptor, and I’d always admired his talent.

  “Do you really think so?”

  “Let me prove it. I’m going to the gallery after this to take a look at the set-up for my show. Come with me. On the way, we’ll stop and pick up some of your and TJ’s wind-up creations so we can show then to Christopher and get his opinion. Just watch, I bet he falls in love with them.”

  “Another time maybe, but not now. You’re busy getting ready for your first solo show. Right now needs to be all about you, not me.”

  Chance shook his head. “No excuses. We’re doing this, Paleki. You’ve always believed in me, and now I’m returning the favor. I know you said you and TJ are going camping this afternoon, but you can spare half an hour.”

  I knit my brows, but after a moment I said, “Fine. I’ll ask TJ to meet us at the gallery with a few of his favorite creations, and we can leave from there. Just don’t be surprised when Christopher confirms the five-dollar price point and directs me to a toy store.”

  We’d reached the locker room, and Chance pulled out his phone and fired off a quick text as he told me, “That’s not going to happen. I’m asking Christopher if it’s okay to bring you over, incidentally. He’s the nicest guy in the world, but since his husband and mine are cousins, I always worry about making him feel like he’s obligated to indulge me.”

  “That’s good, I don’t just want to barge in. And I trust him to give us his honest opinion. He’d never say something’s good if it isn’t, just like he’d never display your photos if he didn’t truly believe they’re something special.”

  My friend glanced up from his phone and grinned. “Way to slip in that affirmation. Christopher swears giving me that show isn’t nepotism, but you know I worry about that. If it totally tanks, then I’ll know he was just being nice to the dork who married into his family.”

  “The show’s not going to tank,” I said as I pulled off my work shirt and tossed it in the laundry bin. “There’s no way.”

  His phone beeped, and Chance glanced at it, then shot me a smile. “Christopher’s excited to see your stuff. This is going to be great.”

  “God I hope so,” I said, “for TJ’s sake.”

  *****

  About an hour later, TJ and I stood on the sidewalk in front of the C.R. Andrews Gallery, staring at each other. He asked, “Did that really just happen?”

  “It did.”

  “How could a high-end art gallery want to show toys made from recycled junk?”

  “According to Christopher, they’re found-object kinetic sculptures. Maybe it’s all in the branding.”

  “Was I hallucinating when I heard what he wanted to charge for them?”

  “I always said what you do is something special,” I told him.

  “But that’s…I mean, we’re talking real money, not just pocket change.”

  “I know.”

  “Who’d be crazy enough to spend a couple hundred dollars on a wind-up toy? And that was just for the smallest ones!”

  “Art collectors, apparently.”

  TJ thought about it for a moment, then said, “Do you think he’ll actually sell any?”

  “I hope so. But if not, all that means is that Christopher’s price point was kind of—”

  “Insane?”

  “Yeah. He sure sounded like he knew what he was talking about, though. He had that whole argument about perceived value, and price shaping perception, and…well, I was a bit dazed at that point after hearing what he wanted to charge for them, so I wasn’t fully processing it. But what I heard seemed to make sense,” I said.

  The door to the gallery swung open, and Chance jogged over to us as he exclaimed, “That went great! You guys must be thrilled!” He was all smiles.

  “We’re kind of stunned, actually,” I told him.

  “I was like that too, when people actually wanted to buy my photos at that new artists show.”

  “Thank you for this, Chance. I owe you one,” TJ said.

  My friend told him, “You do owe me, and here’s what I want in return: dinner at my house, next Wednesday night. Please be there.”

  “I will. Sorry I put it off so long. I just….”

  “I know. Now go camping you two, and try not to get eaten by a bear.”

  “I’m pretty sure there aren’t any bears in Big Basin,” I said.

/>   Chance flashed a thumbs up. “Excellent! Then there’s no reason to miss dinner on Wednesday!”

  After we said goodbye and he headed to the SUV he shared with his husband, I turned to TJ and said, “He seems happier about our stuff ending up in the gallery than he is about his own photos.”

  “Well, sometimes it’s easier to believe in other people than in yourself.” TJ turned to me and changed the subject. “Now come on, let’s go find out if there are any bears in the South Bay, besides the ones that hang out in leather bars.” He smiled cheerfully and took my hand.

  Chapter Twenty

  Big Basin Redwoods State Park was only about an hour from the city, but it felt worlds away. Since it was mid-November, it was nearly empty and we had our choice of campsites. We found the perfect one after driving around a bit. It was sheltered by a half-circle of redwoods, and backed up to a trickling stream.

  TJ went to work setting up the tent while I unpacked the car. He claimed to be rusty, but he completed the task fairly quickly. It was late afternoon by that point, and after he finished with the tent, he got a fire going to counteract the cool breeze. I layered a jacket over my flannel shirt and T-shirt, and pulled a couple folding camping chairs from the trunk of the car. One was well-worn, the other brand new.

  After I pulled the price tag off the new chair and put them side-by-side next to the fire pit, I paused for a moment, then asked, “Did you buy this chair just for me?”

  “Yup.” TJ lifted the lid of the blue and white cooler, which I’d put on the picnic table, and pulled out a couple sodas. He smiled at me as he said, “I wouldn’t have minded you sitting on my lap the entire time, but I thought you might like to have an option.”

  “So, when you went camping before, you did that by yourself?” When he nodded, it made my heart hurt. I knew TJ had led a fairly solitary existence before I came along, but this just amplified it somehow. Camping by yourself, to me at least, seemed pretty lonely.

  He dropped into the worn chair and said, “Let’s take a little break before we cook dinner.” I brought him his jacket from the car, and after he put it on, I climbed on his lap and put my head on his shoulder. TJ chuckled and gave me a hug. “Guess I didn’t need to buy that chair after all.”